Us v. Them

Credit BGN News

I don’t spend a lot of time bemoaning the state of the world. As overwhelming as the news can be, I believe that the world is a good place worth bringing children into. 

That is not to say I am immune to fear.

I worry about climate change and the growing power of ISIS. Like the rest of the world, I saw those babies’ lifeless bodies on the shores of Turkey and thought, “How could things have gotten this bad? What kind of world are we leaving to our children?”

Yet, there is an undercurrent of fear I’ve noticed when people discuss the problems plaguing our planet and its people. I’ve noticed it when people talk about the refugee crisis in Europe. I’ve noticed it when people talk about Kim Davis. I’ve noticed it when people talk about the Black Lives Matter movement.

Then, as I listened to an episode of This American Life, it hit home.

Entitled “The Problem We All Live With”, the episode examines failing inner city schools and the one solution that has worked.

Integration.

Credit Robert Cohen/St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Nikole Hannah-Jones, an investigative reporter The New York Times, has spent her career reporting on failing schools and has seen integrating schools work. She shared the story of the Normandy school district outside St. Louis, MO. The school district Michael Brown graduated from before he was killed in Ferguson.

That same year the district lost its accreditation. Students could chose to travel 30 miles to the predominantly white middles class school district of Francis Howell. This American Life shared the audio recordings of the Francis Howell school board meeting, where parents shared their “concerns” over the integration. It made me sick to my stomach. 

Here’s the transcript:

“Woman 1
My question is when a child who is coming from an under-performing school with low test scores comes into a math class at Francis Howell, how will they ever possibly cope?

Woman 2
Once Normandy comes in here, will that lower our accreditation?
[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Nikole Hannah
The woman says she was an education professor and warned Frances Howell officials not to be naive about the type of students they’d be receiving.

Woman 2
So I’m hoping that their discipline records come with them, like their health records come with them.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
...
Woman 3
Years ago, when the MetroLink was being very popular, Saint Charles County put to a vote whether or not we wanted the MetroLink to come across into our community. And we said no. And the reason we said no is because we don’t want the different areas— I’m going to be very kind— coming across on our side of the bridge, bringing with it everything that we’re fighting today against.

Nikole Hannah
A mother named Beth Cirami approaches the microphone

Beth Cirami
This is what I want to know from you. In one month, I send my three small children to you. And I want to know, is there any metal detectors?
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
I want to be clear. I’m no expert. I’m not you guys. I don’t have an accreditation. But I’ve read. I’ve read, and I’ve read, and I’ve read.

So we’re not talking about the Normandy School District losing their accreditation because of their buildings, or their structures, or their teachers. We are talking about violent behavior that is coming in with my first grader, my third grader, and my middle schooler that I’m very worried about. And I want to know— you have no choice, like me— I want to know where the metal detectors are going to be. And I want to know where your drug-sniffing dogs are going to be.

This is what I want. I want the same security that Normandy gets when they walk though their school doors. And I want it here. And I want that security before my children walk into Francis Howell, because I shopped for a school district. I deserve to not have to worry about my children getting stabbed, or taking a drug, or getting robbed because that’s the issue. I don’t care—

Nikole Hannah
To be clear, Normandy did not lose its accreditation because of violence. It’s easy to judge these parents. But I think part of what makes it seem so startling is that we rarely fight these battles anymore.

The reaction to large numbers of black children moving into white schools would probably sound no different in New York or Chicago or Boston. It’s just that in most of the country, no one is even trying. These parents don’t want to try, either. So one of them offered a helpful solution.

Man 1
You’re absolutely right. We have to do this. We have to follow the laws. We don’t have to like it, and we don’t have to make it easy. Has anyone considered changing our school start times, moving start times up 20 minutes, maybe 40 minutes, making it a little less appealing?”

It’s there. It’s in every statement.

Us v. Them. The poor kids. The black kids. The immigrant kids. The refugee kids. The kids of gay parents or gay kids themselves.

THEY ARE NOT MY PROBLEM. All that matters is that my child has the best. All that matters is that my kid’s life is safe and clean and perfect.

We all want what is best for our children BUT…

I don’t want my children to just have a better life. I want my children to live in a better WORLD.

Because my children - your children - live in the WORLD. No man is an island, even if that man is a little man with a very, very protective mom with plenty of resources. 

If the neighborhood across town is filled with black and brown children suffering under the burden of poverty and racism, that matters to your kids. If families thousands of miles away are risking everything to escape civil war, that matters to your kids. If the children of gay parents see their family derided and condemned, that matters to your kids.

The first thing to remember is it’s not you NOW. 

As Glennon of Momastery masterfully put it, "Let us all quit acting like we have anything to do with the fact that we were lucky enough to have been born on third base, while millions are starving outside the stadium."

You’re safe in the stadium NOW, but that might not always be the case. Most of us live within a small margin of error. An illness or job loss or natural disaster could change everything we know to be true very, very quickly and then it will matter how others respond to your suffering.

Suffering is not a character flaw. I understand that it makes all of us deeply uncomfortable. To see other’s suffering is to tap a deep vein of vulnerability. We don’t really want to wonder “What if that was us?”

However, it could be us and - even if it NEVER is - it still matters. 

Because the problems of poverty and racism and war will affect our children one way or another because they affect EVERYTHING. They affect the economy and the crime rate and our education system and they will touch in small ways and large every aspect of our children's existence. 

Also, I have faith in our children. I have faith that these little people we are raising are up to the challenge. That - if we let them - they can learn how to deal with difference and change and even suffering.

That, by exposing them to the real problems facing all of us, they might even be the solutions.

But, we have to teach them there is no us... no them... only WE.

#Nuance

Welcome, Beth, who wrote the post I've been meaning to write for WEEKS. 

This summer, the internet appears to have caught a case of False Dichotomy-tosis.  With every opinion on a major news story comes a flurry of memes, charts, and comments announcing that that’s YOUR WRONG OPINION and this is MY RIGHT ASSERTION OF REALITY and our positions on this topic are mutually exclusive.  It seems we need a way to acknowledge that the limited characters in our social media discourse don’t always afford space for a complete expression of thought.  

I hate to diagnose a problem without offering a cure, so here’s my proposal: if you’re posting about current events or other controversial topics (or topics that you can’t believe are controversial but trust-me-they-will-be-when-you-expose-them-to-the-scrutiny-of-your-Facebook-friends), just end the post with #Nuance as sort of a modern footnote telling the reader, “I have more to say but I’m out of time, and you’re out of interest.  Please don’t make a bunch of weird assumptions based on this post, cool?”  I understand that the world really doesn’t need another hashtag, but it seems from scrolling my feeds that we need a short way to introduce some fine print on our tweets and status updates.  

For example: 

Post: Caitlyn Jenner is brave.  #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: My definition of “brave” is expansive, and I see bravery as a broad spectrum of risk-taking worthy of admiration.  By calling Ms. Jenner “brave,” I don’t mean to rule out the possibility that there are other brave people in the world or other people who are markedly more brave than she is.  I don’t qualify all of my statements on bravery because that seems rude.  For example, I wouldn’t say to a friend who just launched a start-up, “hey, that’s brave of you! I mean, obviously not like the bravery of our men and women in uniform or people battling cancer…but I still admire your entrepreneurial spirit.”  Or “My Dad is really my hero…he’s not like, Superman or an astronaut or a Navy Seal.  But, I still hold him in high esteem.”  

Post: Black lives matter. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: By recognizing the tragedy and existence of institutionalized racism, I don’t mean to discount other lives.  Of course, all lives matter—it’s just that we have some serious systemic problems.  Also, I think almost all police officers are dedicated public servants and heroes.  But a few aren’t, and that hurts everyone, including the excellent police officers.  

Post: I’m totally torn up about Cecil the Lion. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: By expressing my sadness about the senseless death of one of Earth’s most magnificent creatures, I don’t intend to display callousness about anything else, including (but not limited to) other endangered species, abused animals, children, the unborn, individuals living in poverty, dentists who don’t slaughter wild animals, etc.  I also don’t intend to express any opinion about (1) the type of hunting that, say, your uncle does, (2) eating meat, or (3) global climate change. 

Post: I think Mike Huckabee’s comments on the Iran deal disqualify him from serving as Commander in Chief. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: I don’t know much about the Iran deal because I haven’t read it, and I bet you haven’t either.  I also don’t pretend to understand all of the social, economic, cultural, historic, and religious forces that influence Middle Eastern dynamics.  That said, I think the Iran deal is scary, too.  What I’ve heard worries me.  But I think references to World War II should only be used to talk about what actually happened during World War II.  I think speaking only in hyperbole jeopardizes our ability to rationally debate ideas.  And I think the leader of the free world ought to be more sensitive and careful than that

Post: Donald Trump shouldn’t be Commander in Chief. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: I, too, am fed up with the gridlock in Washington and politics as usual.  I don’t trust most politicians, and I worry about the state of our government.  I think we need leaders who have demonstrated success outside of government to have any chance at reforming government.  However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a POTUS with some knowledge of foreign affairs (aside from incendiary talking points) and some level of humility. 

Post: Hillary Clinton should never have used her private email at work. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: Yes, I’m a woman.  And I would very much like a woman to be president.  But, more than that, I value transparent and open government.  I would also like our POTUS to be more cognizant of cybersecurity issues and to be willing to be inconvenienced by 50 devices if that’s what it takes to keep our information safe. What’s that? Oh…yes, I would feel the same way if Ms. Clinton were male. 

Here’s the thing: we don’t have to stake out these extremes, and doing so is reductive and unworthy of our democracy.  Our social media discourse matters, so we should elevate it by asking questions, fleshing out ideas, and, respectfully engaging with each other.  If we can’t or won’t do those things, we can at least stop assuming that someone is against everything we believe in based on a single tweet.  You can believe in gun control and care about the Second Amendment.  You can acknowledge the existence of man-made climate change and God (for that matter, you can even acknowledge global warming on a snowy day).  You can be against drug use and pro-legalization.  You can pray every night and believe prayer in school is problematic.  We can and should examine our positions and allow for depth in both our own perspectives and the perspectives of others.  Go forth and tweet, facebook, and blog—just make space for the entirety of the conversation.    

Beth is a mom, wife, sister, friend, and HR executive. She's also on a journey to become a yoga teacher. She likes watermelon, reality television, and politics.

This post sparked a discussion between Beth and I ... that turned into an idea... that turned into a podcast - Pantsuit Politics!

Why I still stand with Planned Parenthood

My first job out of college was at Planned Parenthood of Central North Carolina. I ran the Emergency Contraception Hotline. EC was still by prescription only so all day long I would take calls and fax out prescriptions. I liked to tell people I prevented more abortions in that year than most people do in their entire life.

I learned a lot that year about Planned Parenthood the organization, about their mission, about the women they serve. I also learned a lot about abortion services and the women and men who provide them through Planned Parenthood.

These were the most dedicated, most compassionate, most authentic people with which I have ever worked.

Recently, The Center for Medical Progress, an anti-abortion group, released “sting” videos in which they falsely portray themselves as representing a company that procures fetal tissue for medical research and engage with employees from Planned Parenthood about these sales.

The highly edited videos are used to argue that Planned Parenthood is profiting from these sales. The full footage shows the employees repeatedly stating they do not make money off these exchanges and they only cover their costs.

The argument that Planned Parenthood profits off abortion is as old as Planned Parenthood itself and it is completely and totally false. Human beings are complex and human beings run Planned Parenthood. I have no doubt that there have been mistakes and that decisions have been made that neither I nor 100% of Americans agree with – just like any other organization on the face of the planet.

However, the idea that Planned Parenthood is a vast money-hungry conspiracy to increase abortions is totally and completely ludicrous. Eighty percent of the services Planned Parenthood provides are preventative, which means 8 out of 10 women served by Planned Parenthood are being helped to PREVENT a pregnancy and by extension an abortion.

If you believe that somehow Planned Parenthood is lying about these numbers – in DIRECT violation of federal law and without their well-funded and incredibly passionate opponents noticing, then I have a bridge to sell you.

Now, if you have a problem with Planned Parenthood providing abortion services AT ALL, then that is another discussion.

The other thing I learned during my time at Planned Parenthood is that women are not going to carry a pregnancy they do not want. Period.

My boss used to say, “If I had a nickel for every woman who came in here with a cross around her neck and said, ‘I don’t believe in this but I can’t have this baby.’ I’d be RICH.” (Side note: she was NOT rich. See previous argument.)

There are two discussions to be had about abortion. Pragmatic and philosophical.

First, the pragmatic reality of abortion.

Abortion has existed since the beginning of time. It will continue exist until the end of time.

Period.

If you are uncomfortable with that, I’m sorry but it is the reality. You cannot legislate an end to abortion. We have tried. Other countries have tried. And, as far as I know, there are no abortion-free countries.

We can do our best to serve hurting populations and work to end poverty and prevent rape and incest and all the other terrible things that exist, but abortion will continue.

All you do by making abortion illegal is make it difficult and, therefore, dangerous.

So, we must deal with the reality of abortions – hopefully, by making them in the famous words of Bill Clinton “safe, legal, and rare.”

Planned Parenthood does that, which is why I will continue to support this organization.

Second, the philosophical debate surrounding abortion.

My friend recently shared a Rachel Held Evans post on the religious difficulties surrounding the abortion debate.

“For a lot of pro-lifers, it seemed, abortion was all about the baby.

The woman, and the factors that might contribute to her decision to terminate her pregnancy, didn’t seem to matter much....

For a lot of pro-choicers, it seems, abortion is all about the woman.

The unborn child, and all the complicated, terrifying, and beautiful things its life represents, don’t seem to matter much. ”

— Rachel Held Evans

I have long argued that the pro-choice moment does itself no favors by ignoring the moral complexity of this issue. Any woman who has ever been pregnant or carried a baby to term would never argue that the fetus inside her is merely a clump of tissue – no different than a liver or kidney.

I certainly wouldn’t.

However, I also wouldn’t argue that that fetus is the same as a six-month-old baby or a teenager or a fully grown adult. I can’t draw a hard line in the sand as to why I feel like that. I don’t have a definitive moral or philosophical answer as to when life begins and I’m comfortable with admitting that.

Because I don’t believe the point of philosophy or ethics or religion is to give us a math equation to solve difficult issues like abortion. I believe we are entrusted with these tools as empathetic, sentient beings to do the best we can to grow and learn and cast a little bit of light on the dark parts of life itself.

And the pro-life moment does itself no favors by ignoring the complexity of my position and arguing I don’t value life.

Because, let me be very clear, I support Planned Parenthood and I support a woman’s right to have an abortion, but I have also stood on the banks of the Ohio River and scattered the ashes of my 16-week-old fetus and I will NOT be lectured to about the value of life.

I will NOT.

These issues are complicated and I think the one way in which the pro-choice movement gets it right is that there is one simple fact that cannot be debated. The fetus or zygote or baby or clump of cells or whatever you want to call it exists within the body of another life – the life of the woman carrying it.

By elevating HER choice and HER decision above all else, we acknowledge that no one is better equipped to deal with the complex moral and philosophical issues surrounding abortion than the woman choosing to have one.

Are there issues of age and consent and information that we have to deal with? Absolutely.

However, the idea that you know better than her is problematic to say the least.

The idea that a male legislator could decide the reproductive future of women he has never met is as upsetting to pro-choice advocates as the deaths of aborted fetuses is to pro-life advocates.

By acknowledging that both sides HAVE A POINT, perhaps we could change the debate. 

Three pieces of pop culture I can't stop talking about

Have you encountered me on the street recently? Or had basically any communication with me online or off? Then, you've probably had me harass you about Kacey Musgraves's sophomore album Pageant Material.

Her songwriting is clever and insightful and vulnerable and catchy as hell. She is why I fell in love with country music and is everything that is great about the genre (think Dixie Chicks not the abomination that is bro-country). 

I've fallen so hard for this album I went and bought her FIRST album Same Trailer Different Park AND tickets to see her at The Pageant in September!

---

So, I'm going to tell you I'm obsessed with UnREAL, a new drama on Lifetime, and you're going to start to roll your eyes but DON'T. I am a TV snob to end all TV snob. I don't watch trash. I don't watch reality television.

However, I WILL watch a smart, expertly written drama about the inner workings of a reality television show modeled on The Bachelor. The show follows Rachel Goldberg, one of the show's producers, as she manipulates the show's contestants while attempting to maintain her humanity. Did I mention the show's creator worked on the actual Bachelor for NINE seasons?

So. Good.

---

Do you have kids? Wait, scratch that. Do you eat? Occasionally when you eat, do you consume sugar?

Then, watch. this. movie. It's free on Netflix or you can rent it on Amazon. Either way. 

Here's the deal. In the 1970's, my high school had a smoke shack... FOR STUDENTS.

Appalling, right? Insane, right?

Well, there's a reason Mad Men began with advertising cigarettes and ended with advertising soda. In 20 years (hopefully, sooner), we will look back and recognize the lunacy of our current situation.  We allow multi-billion dollar industries poison us and our children. We allow them to PAY schools to sell their poisonous products. We allow them to advertise directly to our children. We allow them to pay off our government so they can continue to lie to us.

It is unethical. It is immoral. It is insanity. 

If I wasn't fed up before this movie, I sure as heck am now. 

Why I’m saying goodbye to Gone with the Wind

In 2nd grade, I developed an obsession with Gone with the Wind. I don’t remember the first time I saw the movie, but I do remember watching it compulsively. I could recite every dress Scarlett wore in the order she wore them. I knew all the details of her life and started collecting Gone with the Wind memorabilia.

I dressed up as Scarlett for Halloween. I named the little gerbil I received for Christmas Prissy, an incredibly embarrassing personal factoid I have only told a handful of people up until this post.

In high school, I finally read the book. I remember loving the novel even more than the movie and reading the 1000+ pages in a couple of days.

What I don’t remember at any point during my love affair with Gone with the Wind was racism.

I am a white female and the only perspective that mattered was that of the white female heroine, followed closely by her white male love interest. It never occurred to me that slavery was more than a historical backdrop. I never wondered how Mammy or Pork or Prissy felt. I never questioned the revision of Confederate motives.

To my young white Southern mind, the antebellum South was exactly as the opening text describes it “a pretty world” that was to be glamorized and remembered as something beautiful that was gone forever.

Only in college did I begin to see Gone with the Wind with more critical eyes. My college has a complicated relationship with the Civil War and its history, but it was there I first learned about The Wind Done Gone and began to fully understand for the first time that Margaret Mitchell’s depiction of the antebellum South was neither accurate nor instructive in any real way.

I learned that Gone with the Wind was racist. I learned that writing about beautiful dresses and a passionate love affair can’t hide the whitewashing of slavery and the devastation slavery itself caused.

And yet, I am ashamed to say – even after realizing all of this – I kept Gone with the Wind. I kept my dolls and my coffee mugs. I kept a small model of Tara on my bookshelf.

In truth, Gone with the Wind had become more than the text and film to me. It represented a piece of my childhood. It held as a bond between me and the female members of my family. In particular, a beloved family friend had given me pieces of her own collection. I love this woman and I would never do anything to hurt her. How can I look at her and tell her something that brings her joy – something that used to bring me joy – only brings me shame?

However, after the deaths in Charleston and the surrounding discussion of Confederate symbols, I’ve decided saying goodbye to Gone with the Wind is a very small – but important – thing I can do.

I have heard the arguments for maintaining Confederate symbols. I know people see it as a part of history and no one is arguing that history is unimportant. However, the careful study and understanding of history is very different than the glamorization of our painful past. We don’t need Gone with the Wind or the Confederate flag to remember that the Civil War happened. Enough ink has been spilled on that period in our history to fill the Mississippi and anyone truly arguing that we’re at risk of forgetting hasn’t ever googled “The Civil War” and gotten 214,000,000 search results.

Conversely, the other argument I hear is that removing Confederate symbols is so small it won’t matter. Is taking down the Confederate flag or getting rid of Gone with the Wind memorabilia really going to make a difference to race relations in this country?

To that I say, it’s worth a shot.

Gone with the Wind was special to me at one time. However, it’s just not WORTH it. It’s not worth holding on to something – no matter how much pride or happiness or fondness it might still evoke – if it hurts other people.

For too long, we have ignored the gaping wound that slavery left in this country. We turned the other way as gangrene set in and the infection spread. The fact that it took the slaying of nine innocent black people in a church for us to finally decide to take down a flag that has symbolized nothing but pain and oppression to FORTY FOUR MILLION Americans for 150 years is depressing.

However, the state of race relations in this country is so bad that any movement at all is cause for hope.

We have to start somewhere. We have to start saying we’re sorry for the pain our ancestors caused. We have to acknowledge that our own privilege was built on the backs of other’s oppression.

As an eighth generation Kentuckian, my history is important to me. However, I have found that acknowledging the truth of that history – including the fact that my ancestors were slave owners and Confederates and deeply flawed human beings alive during a dark period in our past – is more empowering than any trite speech falling out Scarlett O’Hara’s mouth.

We have to let go of the past in order to step forward into the future.

As a mother, the future is now my focus. I’m not merely raising Kentuckians or Southerners. My three sons are Americans and I want them to grow up in a thriving forward-looking country that makes room at the table for everyone. That can’t happen if the table is buckling under the weight of old symbols and prejudices.

It’s time. It’s PAST time to say goodbye to these symbols. There is nothing disrespectful about burying something long dead so that something better can grow in its place.

So, I’m saying goodbye to Scarlett and all she symbolizes. I will not show my children the movie. The book and memorabilia are gone from my home. I’m saying sorry to those who were hurt by that story and the praise it has received. I’m apologizing for my own ignorance and pledging to do better and teach my children to do better.

It’s not enough but it’s a start.  

Why Caitlyn Jenner deserves the Arthur Ashe Courage Award

My first instinct when reading the angry - and often hateful - responses to Caitlyn Jenner and her gender transition was, "Why do people care?" After all, how does Caitlyn Jenner's journey personally affect anyone outside her own family and friends?

Then, I took a step back.

I realized her journey does affect people. Caitlyn Jenner has made her journey very public and in doing so is asking all of us to fundamentally re-examine our understanding of gender. 

That is huge. That is scary. I get that. 

But - like I tell my kids - anything worth doing is a little scary.

Over the past several decades, our society has taken the huge and scary step of re-examining what we believe about sexuality. I believe we are better because of it.

It is now time we do the same with gender.

It is not binary. It is not as simple as male and female. It never has been.

Since the dawn of time, this spectrum has existed. Some societies did a better job of understanding and valuing this unique perspective than others, but - make no mistake - there is VALUE in a culture that allows for a more expansive and embracing understanding of the human experience.

After all, we have all had personal experiences that conflicted with societal expectations.

Maybe you've gotten divorced. Maybe you battled addiction or obesity or infertility. Maybe you have chosen to remain childless. Maybe you've chosen to have a large family. Maybe you've faced bankruptcy or adultery or disability. 

Whatever it was, everyone has dealt with the shame of not always being what people want or expect us to be. If Caitlyn Jenner has lessened the burden of those swimming upstream of society's standards, then I say bravo. I say she deserves The Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

The award is for those who "transcend sports through courageous action" and there has been an outcry over those who believe Noah Galloway or Lauren Hill deserve the award more. 

Courage is a difficult thing to define, but I agree with Brené Brown's definition. 

“The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics are important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics are often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.”

— Brené Brown

Noah Galloway is a hero. He put his life on the line in Iraq and he exhibited incredibly "heart courage" by going on Dancing with the Stars and putting himself out there for all to see. Lauren Hill is a hero. Her life was literally on the line and she used her personal tragedy to raise awareness for cancer research and inspire others.

However, it is not an insult to either of these incredible individuals to recognize the courage of Caitlyn Jenner.  This is not a zero sum game. There is plenty of praise and recognition to go around. 

Courage comes in many forms and the courage to your listen to your heart and put your "vulnerability on the line" deserves to be lauded as well. 

We all want a better world for the next generation. We all want a world where everyone is accepted for who they are and the unique contribution. There are so rarely two simple options. 

I'm always saying the world isn't black and white.  I used to say that the world is gray, but that's not quite right. Gray is singular. Gray is boring. Gray is uninteresting. 

We don't find gray when we finally stop seeing things in black and white. We find COLOR. So. Much. Color. 

And, y'all, it is beautiful. 

We all want a more beautiful world - now and for the generations to come. 

Caitlyn Jenner has taken some very courageous steps to make that possible and for that she deserves recognition. 

My thoughts on the Duggar sex abuse scandal

Let me be clear from the beginning. I have never liked the Duggars. I remember watching their first couple of specials when they were still 14 Kids and Pregnant Again! and their particular brand of wholesome never sat well with me. 

I don't believe God uses miscarriages to communicate his dislike of birth control. I don't believe God sends daughters first to help take care of the sons who come later. I don't believe a woman's hair is her "glory" or that modesty is important not to "tempt" men. 

I don't believe a lot of these things. I also don't begrudge Michelle Duggar's right to subscribe to this particular set of beliefs. To me, feminism means choice. If you want to vacuum every day in pearls like June Cleaver, go for it! Just don't tell me - or your daughters - they have to.

The hard truth about the Quiverful and other fundamentalist Christian belief systems is obedience is built into the foundation. You can't allow your children to explore lifestyles and belief systems outside your own if you believe God requires strict adherence.

With the recent admission by Josh Duggar that he sexually abused young girls, we see that the implication of the Duggar's adherence to strict fundamentalist principles goes FAR beyond restricting their daughter's education or children's lifestyle choices. 

Libby Anne of the blog Love, Joy, Feminism does an excellent job of discussing why basing one's sexual ethics around religious law has dangerous repercussions for victims of sexual assault in her post Josh Duggar and the Tale of Two Boxes.

She states: "Progressives do not have ethical or moral problems with premarital sexual intercourse—but they very much have a problem with child molesting. To conservatives this can look like an inconsistency—even hypocrisy—but it’s not. Progressive sexual ethics center around consent. Sexual contact that is consensual is okay. Sexual contact that isn’t consensual is not okay. And because children below a certain age do not have the necessary understanding and lived experience to be able to consent, child molestation is de facto nonconsensual. 

There are all sorts of problems with putting any sexual contact outside of marriage in the same category. For one thing, victims of sexual assault, including children, may end of feeling that they are in some way guilty of what happened—after all, sexual contact outside of marriage is considered sin. For another thing, a teenager sexually molesting children may be treated as a similar offense to a teenager having consensual sex with his girlfriend."

Elizabeth Smart, abducted as a child and raped during her nine-month captivity, has openly discussed how her fundamentalist upbringing - which emphasized purity and sex inside marriage - made her feel worthless after being sexually abused.

"I think it goes even beyond fear, for so many children, especially in sex trafficking. It's feelings of self-worth. It's feeling like, 'Who would ever want me now? I'm worthless.'

That is what it was for me the first time I was raped. I was raised in a very religious household, one that taught that sex was something special that only happened between a husband and a wife who loved each other. And that's how I'd been raised, that's what I'd always been determined to follow: that when I got married, then and only then would I engage in sex.

After that first rape, I felt crushed. Who could want me now? I felt so dirty and so filthy. I understand so easily all too well why someone wouldn't run because of that alone."

I grew up in a conservative Baptist church that emphasized sex inside marriage. I signed a True Love Waits card and remember vividly the youth minister's wife telling a story about how she wanted to give a dozen roses (representing her sexual purity) to her husband on their wedding night and how would he feel if she slowly gave each rose away to another man?

I was lucky to have a mother who conveyed a more honest and realistic message at home but I still internalized the message that my virginity was my worth. My favorite phrase was, "I can be like you whenever I want but you can never be like me again." I felt special. I felt valued. 

I cannot fathom what sexual abuse would have done to me in that state of mind. In fact, I had the exact opposite experience. I did have premarital sex and NOTHING bad happened. 

Nothing.

Not a broken heart. No hurt feelings. I didn't get pregnant or get a scary STD. I didn't have so much as a pang of regret. I had sex outside marriage and everything turned out just fine.

And it STILL left me feeling angry.

I felt lied to. I felt like I had spent my entire adolescence being sold a bill of goods. I was told sex was dangerous and scary and only belonged inside marriage. I have friends who waited until marriage and found it incredibly difficult to flip and switch and treat sex as this beautiful thing when they'd spent their entire lives avoiding it. 

This is why I left my conservative sexual ethics behind. This why my children will be taught progressive sexual ethics - based around mutual respect AND CONSENT.

This is also why I never liked the Duggars. I wish I wasn't right. I wish the worse that happened to the Duggar girls were missed opportunities and frustrated dreams but so often that is not the case inside fundamentalist environments. 

I also want to say that I do not believe villanizing Josh Duggar or his family is the answer. While he should absolutely be held responsible for his heinous acts, pedophilia is a mental disorder and the longer we cast those who have it as monsters the longer they will hide in shame and not feel safe asking for help. 

I have never liked the Duggar family but I have no desire to see them suffer. We can honestly discuss the beliefs they espouse and the repercussions of the current scandal without making them two-dimensional characters undeserving of our empathy.  

However, the two-dimensional characters they portrayed on television must come to an end.

It was NEVER as simple a family with a bunch of kids. NEVER. Just like it was never as simple as rich housewives or duck hunters with long beards or a sharp-tongued mom with eight kids.

Extreme beliefs and lifestyles make for great reality television, but the reality is not so great for those left behind after the cameras stop rolling.

Are you a fan of the Duggars? What do you think of the current scandal?

The science of parenting: How much time should I spend with my kids?

This is the first part of a series in which I explore whether or not how we FEEL about parenting issues reflects the actual FACTS. 

At least once a week, I have the same conversation. I’ve had this conversation with working moms and stay-at-home moms. It is usually during a meeting or other week night obligation and it always begins with a mommy friend expressing guilt about being away from her kids.

Despite encouragement and reassurance that her kids are fine, I always get the same response, “I just feel like I should BE there.”

Now, let's examine the facts. American mothers spend more time with their children than in any other time in history. If you were born in the 1970s and you currently work full time, there is a strong chance that you spend more time with your children while working full time, then your mom did even if she stayed home. 

Y’all, that is bananas.

We have invented a lot of time-saving technology in the past thirty years but we didn't add more hours to our day! That means we are sacrificing sleep, self-care, and practically ALL of our free time to spend more time with our kids. 

And on top of it all, we still feel guilty!

Well, do we feel guilty for a reason? Were our mothers and their mothers before them absentee parents who harmed their kids? Despite all this additional time, is there a chance our children still need more? 

Turns out. NO.

This week the Journal of Marriage and Family published the first large-scale longitudinal study of parent time which found NO (zero, zilch, nada) positive effects from spending large amounts of time with your children. The study focused specifically on maternal time and found with regards to children ages 3 to 11 it was the quality of time spent with children not the quantity that matters.

Here’s a quote from the study itself.

“Both time mothers spent engaged with and accessible to offspring were assessed. In child-hood and adolescence, the amount of maternal time did not matter for offspring behaviors, emotions, or academics, whereas social status factors were important. ”

— Does the Amount of Time Mothers Spend With Children or Adolescents Matter?

Read that. Read it again. Keep reading it until it sinks in.

The amount of maternal time DID. NOT. MATTER. 

This is what happens when we parent based on emotion instead of facts. I’ve written before about the way in which I let emotions almost ruin my marriage. If I felt like Nicholas didn’t love me, surely that meant Nicholas didn’t love me. 

Turns out. Not so much.

I’ve just recently come to realize that this principle also applies to parenting. Just because I feel like I’m not doing enough for my kids doesn’t mean I’m actually failing my children.

Emotions are based on all manner of input from our own insecurities, experiences from our own childhood, and especially outdated and sexist cultural assumptions about the role of women in the home.

We all to take a step back and look at the science, look at the evidence, look at our own reality.

We might feel guilty for working outside the home but the reality is less time with our kids is not harmful. We might feel like we should spend all our time as stay at home moms engaged with our children but the reality is more doesn't always equal better.

Don't’ get me wrong. Emotions are important. Emotions steer us in the right direction most of the time. However, they cannot be our entire roadmap.

Now, if you actually miss your kids, that's one thing. If you miss your kids, then don't let anyone guilt you into leaving your family. Stay home. Soak 'em up. By all means.

However, in the immortal words of Leslie Knope, “ 'Do you miss your kids while you're at work?' Of course I do. Everybody does. And then, you know, sometimes I don't."

If you don't miss your kids, then STOP FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT. 

Depending on their age, kids need lots of things. Babies and toddlers do need lots of time to form loving attachments with their primary caregiver. Surprisingly, at the other end of the age range, the study found that more maternal time did have a positive impact on teenagers. (Of course, when you think about the huge biological and psychological growth that happens during those two time periods maybe it’s not that surprising.)

However, from the ages of 3 to 11, your children do not need every single second of your spare time. Assuming your children live with you for 18 years that is HALF of their childhood. 

So, listen to the scientists. Take a break. Take a walk. Heck, take a child-free vacation. 

And leave your guilt behind. 

How much time do you spend with your kids? Do you feel like it's never enough?

PART TWO: How should our kids be spending their time if it's not with us?

PART THREE: Is it safe to play outside?