The Real Problem With Pink Legos

My daughter turned four at the beginning of February. She’s interested in building things, pretend play, super heroes, and animals. Between those interests and the twin gift-giving holidays of her birthday and Christmas, my partner and I have had a lot of conversations about Legos in the last couple of months.

We try to be a household with a wide expression of the gender continuum. Although he works in an office and I stay home to be with our daughter and prepare our food, we pretty evenly divide everything else. He wears his hair long and I wear mine short. We both use the power tools, we both work on the cars, we both know how to sew and how to draw. We encourage our daughter to try everything, climb everything, say what she means, express her feelings and follow her interests into whatever subjects she’s curious about.

So even though our daughter’s favorite color is purple, buying the box of Legos that came in pink and purple still gave me pause. I dislike marketing that is aimed solely at girls (or women, for that matter). It feels limiting, distracting. “Here are the toys for you, little girl. Leave those other ones for the boys.” Even the hint of that message being aimed at my strong, smart and impressionable daughter makes my inner feminist mama bear come out snarling. The girl-targeted sets start to look like a soft and floral fantasy world where girls can play with cute little bunnies, in contrast to the more realistic world presented for the boys.

And yet… Many of the “regular” Lego lines also include weapons, or figures with unnecessarily scary faces. And I haven’t found many that include female figures. Or animals. The superhero sets are predominately male figures except for a couple of of bad-guy females (which admittedly is a larger issue with equal gender representation in the superhero world - this article delves further into that issue). The Lego Junior Fire Emergency set? All male figures. The Knight’s Castle? All male. Even when they could have easily put a princess in there, still all male.

But the sets that come in pink - The Pony Farm, The Beach Trip, The Princess Play Castle - those don’t have any male figures. There are no pink firehouses or police stations with female figures. In the pastel-heavy Friends line, there is a Vet Clinic, a Hair Salon, a Cat Walk (!!), a Juice Bar and a Farm. All of these have female figures, but not male. But they do have animals.

We weren’t the only ones talking about this issue this winter. I saw this cartoon in my Facebook feed at least 3 times in the month of December and it sparked debates in the comments each time. Back in 2013, a letter to Lego from a 7-year-old girl in the UK went viral. She had noticed the male/female figure issue and it bothered her.

“I don’t like that there are more Lego boy people and barely any Lego girls...I want you to make more Lego girl people and let them go on adventures and have fun. OK!??”

— Charlotte Benjamin

I eventually realized that my real issue with Lego sets marketed separately for boys and girls was that it was doing a disservice not just to the girls, but to the boys, too.

Kids learn from what they see. When girls see male figures (but not female) in fire station sets and female figures (but not male) at the hair salon, they are given the message that fire stations are where men belong and the hair salon is where women belong.

And the boys are getting that message, too.

Our girls need to see women in a variety of professional (and strong fantasy character) roles. And so do our boys. It is still a fact of our culture that there are more men in positions of power - politics, management, the courtroom - than there are women. They are the ones making the rules. Things are changing toward more equality, and I’ve seen that shift in my lifetime. But we need our children - the girls, but especially the boys - to see more equality so they will create more equality. Women should keep fighting for those rights, but men also need to stand up for it for it to become a reality.

My ex was a foreman (“fore-PERSON” she would say) in a local sheet metal worker’s union. She installed gutters, flashing, metal siding and metal roofing materials. Most of her day was spent on a roof or a tall ladder. There were one or two other women in her local, but they worked in HVAC, not on the roof. None of them were in leadership positions. Almost every week she would come home with a new story about the subtle but pervasive gender bias she ran into in her job. Job sites with no women’s toilet. Forms where all the pronouns were “he/his.” Jokes about her period or her sexuality. Rumors that she’d lost out on good job calls because the superintendent didn’t think she was strong enough (she was).

Would those superintendents have had a different perspective if they’d played with Lego builder sets with female figures? I don’t know. I hope so. Would there be more female firefighters if kids got play with fire station sets that came with female figures, so little girls had the aspiration to get trained and little boys grew up to hire them, and maybe work for them? I hope so.

The bottom line is that Legos are good toys. They foster engineering skills, creative play, and imagination. They strengthen tiny finger muscles and increase eye-hand coordination. I think Lego is misguided in their current marketing, but I don’t want to boycott their toys entirely for those decisions.

So this is what we did for our daughter. We chose a couple of sets that appealed to our daughter’s general interests. We chose a Lego Junior Fire Emergency set, because she’s very interested in helping people and animals in need, and a Lego Friends Jungle Bridge Rescue set, because it has vehicle like her dad’s Jeep and a helicopter like the one he trained with recently for his search and rescue team. This also happens to be the only Friends set that includes a male figure and the box depicts Mia, the female figure, flying the helicopter. We also got a huge Lego Technic Remote-Controlled Wheel Loader to build over several months with her dad because construction sites fascinate her and because he’s an engineer and can teach her all about those motors.

And we bought some ponytail hair pieces to turn one of those firefighters into a girl.

What do you think of Lego's girl-targeted sets? Would you buy them for your girl? 

Great discussion happening on Facebook!

Post by Sarah Stewart Holland.

Doña Bumgarner blogs about creative self care and mindful mothering at Nurtured Mama. She lives on the Central Coast of California with her partner, their 4-year-old and a collection of cats and chickens and gender-neutral building blocks.

There will come a day.

Darlene's three sons before they were grown men.

It was the kind of summer in Kentucky when the hot August day dies at the hands of its own heat and humidity. A sticky, sweaty two-year-old boy was nestled in the ring of a bathtub baby holder (no doubt long since designated as a death trap like so many other devices we were using in 1981) and I was plopped on the cool tile next to him. I distinctly remember thinking: I will be doing this for the rest of my life. Little did I know that within the next three years I would have two more boys placing me securely in what Sarah and I have termed THE MOB (mothers of boys). 

Now I’m a capable thinker and I knew in my MIND that I wouldn’t be doing that the rest of my life but at the time I couldn’t see past the long daily and rigorous chores of taking care of a two-year-old. HAD I known then that within the blink of what seemed like only a few more southern summers, I would be sitting next to a 33-year-old attorney with a high school, college, and post graduate career behind him I would have no doubt been more “in the moment” as the much maligned mantra proposes.

I’m filling in today for my sweet young friend, Sarah, who is in the throes (perhaps literally) of delivering her third boy into the world. There may come a day when she is surrounded by three little boys, ALL uncontrollably and inconsolably screaming at the same time, and think: this will never end. 

But there will come a day. 

There will be a day when the bake sales are behind you, the diapers are done with, the tears are more like mild traumas, the bikes are replaced by a banged-up VW Beetle, and the “what am I going to do with them!” translates to “what am I going to do without them?”

As one of my favorite author/mom types (Anna Quindlen) wrote some years ago, “It’s not simply the loss of these particular people, living here day in, day out, the bickering, the inside jokes, the cereal bowls in the sink and the towels in the hamper—all right, on the floor. It was who I was with them: the general to their battalion, the president to their cabinet.” 

When we inhabit motherhood we become someone new. When we hit the teenage years we become someone we may not like. When they leave us on our own, we become someone who feels loss but gains friends. 

Yeah, I know once a mom, always a mom. But there is a new joy in creating a relationship with your children that is based on a mutual history and perhaps a newfound respect. 

So young moms of the world, there WILL come a day when your full house morphs into an empty nest but believe me— the trip in between is SUCH a great ride!

Darlene Mazzone is a parent, publisher, and country girl in city shoes. She's the mother of three grown men and is the Executive Editor of PADUCAH LIFE Magazine, a feature magazine in Paducah, KY. She was the first healthcare public relations professional in West Kentucky, is in love with screenwriter Aaron Sorkin (it's OK, her husband knows all about it) and loves pasta, English novels, and of course, reruns of West Wing.

11 Pieces of General, Yet Very Important, Advice

My name is Jenny. My internet last name is On The Spot. So, Jenny On The Spot is my full name.

But you can call me Jenny.

I am female. I have aged in the the early part of my 4th decade. I have 3 kids... 9, 12, and, 15. If you do the math I will soon have TWO teenagers, one of whom will be a licensed driver by the beginning of the summer.

Yes, I need a hug. Thank you for asking.

I am in no condition to run a 5k. But neither is my friend Sarah here, but she actually has a good reason... Related: COME ON LITTLE GUY! WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BABY FACE AND BABY TOES.

And mommy probably wants to SEE her OWN toes.

I just want to thank Sarah for entrusting me with prime real estate on her blog here today.

Inviting someone to share something on your blog is a lot like allowing a someone to throw a party at your house.

As the party thrower in this, Sarah's home... I had some concern.

WHAT IF I TRASH THE PLACE?!

WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE DISH TOWELS?

There was one time I threw a baby shower at another person's house (an acquaintance). Or was it a wedding shower? In any case... I got there with a whole lot of food to prep. and did you know SOME PEOPLE DON'T USE DISH TOWELS?

I have no idea what the alternative is, but I may or may not have a *thing* about dishtowels...

Especially white ones.

Piece of Advice #1: Always have plenty of dish towels. I recommend white because you can bleach out the shame that certain messes leave on dish towels.

I also have a *thing* about baby wipes.

Piece of Advice #2: Baby wipes aren't just for babies anymore.

That's not really an advice statement.

What I MEANT to write was... Never don't have baby wipes on hand.

That's better.

If you ignore the double negative and whathaveyou.

My babies are no longer babies... but I assert - babies are not needed to keep baby wipes on hand. I keep them in the car, and in the bathroom, and in the kitchen, and in the laundry room... Baby wipes are the rich uncle to the nephew who always has to get bailed out of jail.

In short: You never know when you are going to need a rich uncle/baby wipes.

Piece of Advice #3: Don't do anything that would put you in a place where you will need to get bailed out of jail/call your rich uncle. That should go without saying, but... PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

I'm not trying to mother you, but I am a mom. Don't go to jail. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Piece of Advice #4: Don't trust anyone who offers advice without solicitation.

Except me.

Piece of Advice #5: Be kind to yourself... like that one friend you have that is way too sweet. Be her (or him), to yourself. I don't actually know how to do that, but I've read we people tend to be quite hard on ourselves and I've always wanted to take that advice.

Piece of Advice #6: Drink plenty of water everyday. That's always good advice. If I do say so myself.

Piece of Advice #7: Make time for friends. I have been really bad about this, so this is just as much a reminder for me as it is for you.

Warning: if you DO end up having to get bailed out of jail, it will probably be because of friends like my friend there on the left.

Totally worth it.

Piece of Advice #8: Don't wait until the day before you are supposed to meet with your tax guy to pull together all your stuff for your personal taxes and 2 small businesses. Just don't. Trust me.

Piece of Advice #9: If you are a dog owner... never give your dogs the benefit of the doubt. They WILL work very hard to consume the roll of tape/lip gloss/leather boots/Converse/paperback book/hardback book you left out... Your daughter's "very special" water bottle you saw sitting on the coffee table as you were running out the door very late and thought, "Oh that'll be fine."

It will not be fine.

#thugs

Piece of Advice #10: If you have children... your kids are smarter than you.

I guess that's not advice. It's a truth statement that you really need to be aware of.

Just because a person can't speak, tie shoes, or eat solid food... doesn't mean they're not smart. OH NO. They may not be able to sit up on their own but they have got you wrapped around their tiny (yet chubby) little finger. ALL OF THEIR FINGERS.

There's really no advice (a.k.a. WARNING) one can give when it comes to children and their cunning. The best I can give: Just beware.

They're worse than dogs.

But also way better.

Even at 9, 12, and 15 they still have me wrapped around their not-so-little fingers.

Piece of Advice #11: Take lots of selfies with your people...

You just have to. It's the very best. That is something you will never regret.

Your teen might regret it, but your teen is still living under your roof, so... SELFIE TIME!

The last thing I would like to add is...

MERRY NEW BABY TO MY FRIEND! I feel all the emotions when my friends add to their numbers. The excitement. The fear. Sometimes jealousy (I don't even know why I miss those sleep-deprived baby days, but golly I sure miss those days sometimes!). The joy... that new baby head smell!

There really is no new advice under the sun. Just the reminder to sleep when you can (I regret not heeding that advice), soak in all the baby goodness... revel in the beauty of new sibling love. It will never be more sweet than in the beginning. Because sibling rivalry kicks in and... I'm sorry. I am digressing... 

Kiss those cheeks, take lots of pictures (SELFIES TOO, MAMA!), let that little guy melt into your chest for long naps. It goes so fast. As you know. Those moments are THE moments. And you just can't jump back in time to do it again.

At least I don't think we can time travel just yet...

Guest Post: Holiday Safety Made Simple

My favorite child safety expert Pattie Fitzgerald is back with a new book, a giveaway, and tips to keep your child safe this holiday!

Every holiday season I get lots of inquiries from parents, usually with two concerns:

“How do I manage all those tasks and errands with kids in tow?”  

“How do I deal with those big family gatherings where there are so many friends, relatives, and kids running around – especially if there’s that one relative I’m not so sure about?!”

When my 16 year old daughter was much younger, I was faced with the same concerns that every parent with young kids thinks about.  There’s a lot to distract us (and our kids!) whether we’re at the mall, the airport, or Auntie Barbara’s house for her annual holiday bash.  

Here’s what I did – and it worked.  

1. I briefed my daughter on just a couple of do’s and don’ts before we went to the mall, the party, or where ever.  I put “safety” into the context of simple rules or do’s/don’ts, which made sense to her and reminded her that other people had to follow the rules, too.  I kept it short, sweet, and to the point so I didn’t bore her with long explanations.
2. I assessed the different environments ahead of time. Was there an arcade or play area at the mall that might distract her?  If so, the check first rule is the one I’m going to focus on.  At a party, is there one relative or family friend that gives me an “uh-oh feeling” every time I see them at a family function?  Gonna have to monitor that one!

For example, some families have that one relative… yuck! I call ours Cousin Uh-Oh because he blurs boundaries left and right.  I won’t bore you with all the details, but suffice to say, he’s been creeping me out since I was a kid, and I don’t want my daughter dealing with him, plain and simple.  If he was around, I simply told my daughter “If cousin ___________ wants you to go somewhere with him or gives you an Uh-Oh feeling, just let me know right away and I’ll talk to him.”  

More importantly, I made a “note to self” when we got to the party:  “Where’s cousin uh-oh/where are the kids?”  If he was hanging out with them when he should have been with all of us adults, I said something!  In this scenario, it’s my job to be monitoring.  I don’t have to act like I’m in the CIA for heaven’s sake, but I do want to keep an open, watchful eye on certain things because it’s easy to get caught up in the festivities.  

So, whether you’re driving across town for a shopping trip, headed to the airport or off to grandma’s for the annual soiree, here are some common sense tips to help you navigate through this busy time of year.  And remember, use common sense.  Most people and places are safe.  So, rock those holidays and enjoy!

Holiday Safe-Smarts

1. Out at the mall or other busy place?  Have kids follow the “3 Giants Steps Rule." Kids can only be 3 giant steps away from you at all times.  It’s a fun way to get the kids to stay close by especially during boring errands when they’re likely to get distracted or antsy – make it game!

2. Get smart about getting lost:  If your child can’t find you, teach them to look for a mom with kids or ask the cash register person who can make an announcement. Statistically these are the safest strangers in an emergency and can help quickly. Avoid telling kids to find a security guard, uniforms are confusing to little ones and not every place has one.

3. Child reminder:  NEVER leave the mall or store to go looking for you in the parking lot.  Let kids know that you’d never go outside to your car without them – no matter what anyone else tells them.

4. Dress children in brightly colored clothes to help keep them easily visible. You may even want to take a quick picture with your cell phone before venturing out.

5. If you have a toddler who’s prone to running off or wandering, consider using a cute harness/backpack especially at the airport or huge public places.  Kids love them, they’re fun and can give you some peace of mind!  PS – Stop worrying, IT’S NOT A LEASH!

6. “CHECK FIRST” always.  Kids should always check with you first BEFORE going anywhere in a public place, including another store, play area, or even the restroom.   Check First also applies in familiar settings as well. “Check first before going somewhere even if it’s with someone you know!”

7. Never leave kids alone at public facilities such as video arcades, movie theaters, play areas, etc. as a “convenient babysitter” while holiday shopping.  Kids who are unsupervised are far more vulnerable to “tricky people”.

8. If you’re comfortable letting an older child (at least 8 or 9 years old) use the men’s room alone, accompany them and as your child enters just call out “I’m right out here if you need me, don’t take too long!”  This just lets anyone in there know there’s a mom nearby who’s paying attention.  Good deterrent for tricky people!  If your child seems to be taking a long time, it’s ok to enter the doorway and make sure they’re ok.

9. Discuss age-appropriate safety issues with your child in a calm, non-fearful manner.  When discussing “strangers”, inform them that it isn’t what a person looks like, it’s what they ask a child to do that makes someone unsafe or tricky.  Kids have been known to leave with a stranger because “he seemed nice” or “he didn’t look like a stranger.”

10. In an emergency, a loud yell is one of the best things a child can do.  Teach them to yell out: “I NEED HELP”, “THIS IS NOT MY PARENT”.  A loud child calling attention to himself in public is a predator’s worst nightmare.

11. Always teach your child, they’re the BOSS OF THEIR BODY.  Their private parts are private and not for anyone else to see or touch, especially when you’re at parties or other gatherings.  It’s okay to say “Leave my body alone!” to anyone, even a bigger kid or a grownup.

Pattie Fitzgerald is a certified child safety educator and children’s visitation monitor. She is the founder of www.safelyeverafter.com , and has been featured on hundreds of radio and television news programs, as well as in magazines and periodicals throughout the United States.  Her children’s curriculum is now used in classrooms throughout the country.

For more child-friendly ways to talk about personal safety, check out Pattie Fitzgerald’s books for kids:  No Trespassing – This Is MY Body and Super Duper Safety School.

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Another Mother's Perspective on Syria

Photo Credit: djtomic via Compfight cc

I hope that as I write these words, a true diplomatic solution is in progress for Syria.   In the meantime, I think about how conflict in the Middle East has been a given for generations, and I wonder if my two-year-old daughter will ever see an end.  As I think about her, and about how much more efficient and complex and deadly the weapons of the future will be, I hope that we will seize this moment in time to start focusing on the only weapon that I believe can bring true, lasting peace to the Middle East: knowledge.  

For the past few weeks, I have watched countless Facebook friends posting photos: “I’m against war in Syria.”  Undoubtedly, most of them mean “I’m against American military intervention in Syria.”  (And, undoubtedly, a few mean, “What did President Obama say? I’m against that.”).  But, here’s the thing: it sounds like we, as Americans, don’t know that there is already a war in Syria.  That there has been a war in Syria since 2011, and that there were many heinous atrocities and conflicts before 2011.  That the use of chemical weapons might be new, but the slaughtering of innocent people is not.  That this is another chapter in a long, tortured history.  

So, what do I think should happen in Syria? I have no idea because I don’t know enough.  My knowledge of Damascus hearkens back largely to my Sunday School days, and I’m thinking that Sunday School probably presented a somewhat incomplete accounting of socioeconomic circumstances.  This is the problem for all of us: we approach the Middle East the same way over and over and over again because our collective knowledge of the region is wholly inadequate.  It seems highly likely that much of the sustained conflict in that region results from individuals with wholly inadequate understandings of the racial, religious, social, and economic backgrounds of its people drawing artificial lines to divide it up.  

The one thing that I’m clear on is this: if violence could be transformative in the Middle East, the Middle East would already be transformed.  We have tried the same thing over and over, a hundred different ways.  It’s hard for me to imagine how military action in this particular circumstance could do anything but pile on to the death toll.  I understand international norms and red lines.  But it seems to me that norms and lines must give way to reality and impact.   

The President is working hard to explain to us why Syria matters to U.S. national interests.  If Syria matters enough to bomb, it matters enough to study.  If we, as a country, came together to better understand the people and geography of the Middle East, I believe that knowledge would be more powerful and effective than any unmanned drone.

Beth is a mom, wife, sister, friend, and HR executive. She's also on a journey to become a yoga teacher. She likes watermelon, reality television, and politics.

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The Pros and Cons of Being Childless

Photo Credit: H is for Home via Compfight cc

I've invited my dear friend Lydia to share her thoughts on being childless. It felt wrong to invite a discussion and then not share this space with someone who has actually made the decision we're discussing. I've known Lydia for over fifteen years and I knew she would do the topic justice. 

When I was a little girl, I don't remember having more than one baby doll. That sole doll was named Drowsy. I didn't carry her around like a baby, I didn't walk her in a play stroller, I didn't play "mom" to her. She was my friend - my pretty tow-headed, pink and white polka-dotted friend.

Eventually I outgrew Drowsy and grew up to be a young woman who claimed with intense conviction that she never wanted children. It wasn't until my late twenties that a feeling of indifference started manifesting itself regarding the issue. I decided that I didn't care one way or the other - if I met and fell in love with a person who wanted children, then we'd go down that path and either try to have our own children or adopt or foster. If I didn't meet a person with those dreams, then I was more than content to remain child-free. My mom made sure to place some Folic Acid supplements in my Christmas stocking - just in case. You know, as moms do!

As it turns out, I met a man who did not have those dreams and my husband and I are quite happy with our decision to not have children. We have robust lives individually and together - full of hobbies, family, a career and strong opinions about how we want to spend our time. There are many, many reasons for our decision. Just as with any family's decision, it's pretty personal, so I am choosing not to go into the details here. Let me just say that we know ourselves, we know what we want out of life, and we don't regret our decision.

With any decision of such magnitude, there are trade-offs between the good and the bad. I would not say that I am happier than my friends with children by virtue of my decision. The idea that I "have it all" is pretty ludicrous. It is such a subjective idea that there's no way to measure it. For example, to me, Beyonce really seems to have it all - talent, fame, fortune, Blue Ivy, etc.. Basically, we aren't ready for her jelly. However, I do not, at all, want what she has...the paparazzi, the public criticism, the inspection, etc. 

It's all about your priorities as to whether or not you "have it all." Just like with success - no one can measure it but you.

With that in mind, though, here's a list of my personal pros to deciding not to have children:

• I am able to wake up at the last possible second in the mornings because I only have to get myself ready for the day.
• I can live my life with a relative lack of scrutiny - basically, the only decision I have to defend is this one of not having children (and it is not one that causes me untold pain, as those intrusive questions can be for others who do not have the luxury of a choice or who have experienced loss of a child) - there aren't a million little scrutinies to bear regarding the conception, gestation, birthing, feeding, rearing, etc. of my children. I don't understand how parents put up with all those judgments.
• My husband and I can take a trip to an adults-only resort in paradise. Yes. That Time Magazine cover photo is a (much) leaner version of us. ONCE in our lives so far have we taken such a trip. On our honeymoon. The takeaway here, though, is that I have many fewer restrictions on my comings-and-goings. We can decide to go wherever we want with only the limitation of vacation time and funds to get there. The same goes with a spur-of-the-moment trip to the movies or out on the town.
  
• No dirty diapers to change. No nighttime sickness to clean up. Generally, none of the icky stuff that comes along with people unable to care for themselves fully.
• The ability to return a nephew to their parents after being The Most Fun Aunt Ever without having to suffer the consequences of an overly-stimulated child. (I am easily manipulated into more sugar and later bedtimes!)
  

There are cons, though. I know that.

• There are no pulls at my heartstrings when that first cry, that first word or that first step happen.
• There is not that level of love and affection that only parents can feel for their children (I'd have to mention that there's also not the fear that comes along with it.)
• There are very few pieces of child art to hang on my refrigerator. (I love kid art.)
  
• My life is now very much different than those of my friends who are in the toddler and young child years with their families. We share the affection of friendship, but I know that we don't understand one another's lives any longer. That makes me sad, but I think it will improve as their children age and become more independent.
• There is a fear that I'll regret this decision one day.
• There is also a fear that my careful planning won't result in my being taken care of and provided for in the golden years of my life. It's a very real fear, but one that I mitigate by telling myself I have a large and loving family.

Like I said, earlier, it's a trade-off. Ultimately, having children was never a priority to me. I'm not sure what influenced that, but I do know that I've had many strong female role models that do not have children. My big Catholic family features three women who chose religious orders for their life. They obviously don't have children. My eldest aunt also doesn't have children - she's always been a beacon of knowledge and talent and wonder for me. She was the adult in the family who treated my cousins and I as adults from a very young age - I loved that! I have another aunt who chose to have a child on her own. That child just graduated college, which makes me feel incredibly old. 

With this sort of family surrounding me, I've felt very little pressure to fit into that traditional role of middle-class American womanhood. I'd make a terrible soccer mom, so it's probably a really good thing! 

Everyone's story is different, which makes humanity beautiful and wonderful. Raising children, trying to conceive children, adopting children, choosing to remain child-free - all are valid choices for a fulfilled life.

Lydia Powell is a 30-ish woman, married with two spoiled puppies. She enjoys reading, writing and is currently fighting a mean Candy Crush addiction. She is in the process of following her dream of opening her own business - a bookkeeping and accounting firm servicing small businesses.

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I hate Snow White

One of the greatest tragedies for me as a mother has been discovering that I hate Snow White. I’m no fan of most Disney princesses, but I can usually draw my two-year-old daughter's interest to something in the origin story other than a beautiful girl or a handsome prince.

Snow White…I’ve got nothing.

There’s a queen obsessed with her looks (not with leading the kingdom to prosperity or even conducting ribbon cuttings at the opening of new Far, Far Away businesses) and a magic mirror that’s the equivalent of a “hot or not?” machine. The queen persecutes Snow White because of her beauty (riiiiight), and then Snow White, banished to the forest, cooks and cleans for hard-working little dudes, falls for the dumbest disguise ever, and has to be saved by a prince. The story has nothing for Snow White. She’s Rose-Nyland-naïve. She has no apparent wit, resourcefulness, or perception…nothing that I can offer my daughter, Jane, as an aspirational or even redeeming trait. Snow White is just pretty.

Well-intended people give Jane copies of Snow White and princess costumes and Barbies. They compliment her blonde hair, her cute shoes, and her pretty smile. These are people who love Jane very much, and they value her intelligence and curiosity. But their communication probably leaves her with the impression that, like Snow White, she’s just pretty.

“Pretty” worries me. Pretty soon becomes thin. Pretty becomes “my nose is too big,” “I wish I was shorter than the boys in my class,” and “I hate my skin.” Then Pretty can become eating disorder, self-loathing, plastic surgery. As a mother, Snow White and Pretty are my enemies; more than any other big-scary-world-monster they threaten Jane’s health and well-being.

It’s hard to talk with a two-year-old about the Pretty slippery slope. It’s also hard to talk with her about body image and self-respect. In this moment, I’m not sure how to tell her that being healthy and being skinny are different. That being Pretty is fine, but being smart is great. That Mommy’s “after” is still the neighbor’s “before” and that it’s taken Mommy lots of years to be ok with that. That Mommy and Daddy are still trying to lose weight but only enough to be really healthy and active and energetic.

So, I’m turning to the only tool I know that combines all of these messages in a toddler-friendly package: yoga.

At first, I started doing yoga with Jane because she, like many two-year-olds, is an investigative journalist about my whereabouts. “Mommy, you go yoga class? What do-ning at yoga class? Mommy, show me! Mommy, I do yoga, too?” And so I talked to Jane about being a mountain and taking big mountain breaths. And she LOVED it.

And the light bulb switched on. Yoga is about making yourself bigger. Through yoga poses, Jane learns to take up space, to grow taller (gasp), to stretch out wide (gasp), even to expand her belly (gasp gasp gasp). With every pose, she learns that her body is a strong work of art. She has learned to be a tree (balance bonus!). She loves to be a cat and a cow and a dog and a snake (animal sounds double bonus). And she has learned that she can always come back to her big mountain breath to calm down (triple composure bonus). Yoga is fun and productive and subtle but powerful and the perfect foundation for future discussions about health and body and even about Pretty. It's easy and free and a bonding experience. It's the only way I have to show Jane my own healthy respect for my body.

And that will have to do until Jane can handle my re-write of Snow White:

Once upon a time, there lived a young woman named Snow White. Her evil step-mother, the Queen, was seriously jealous of Snow White's expansive vocabulary and physical prowess, so she made Snow White clean all the time. The Queen's insecurity led her to consult with a magic mirror. One day, when the Queen asked, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the strongest of them all?" the mirror responded "Snow White! She's poised and tenacious." The Queen flew into a jealous rage and banished Snow White to the forest. The Queen's huntsman approached Snow White about a possible modeling contract, but Snow White turned him down, saying "you think I scrubbed floors all these years to be a human clothes-hanger?"). In the forest, Snow White happened upon a charming ranch belonging to seven coal-mining dwarfs. Snow White admired the house and sensed development potential in the area. She could market a residential subdivision here as "rustic with a touch of luxury." But, she had no capital, so she gathered wood and brush and built herself a cottage that Jeff Probst would admire. She befriended the dwarfs, who helped her secure employment at the coal mine. Snow White's work ethic fast-tracked her climbing the ladder at the mine. She shattered the glass ceiling and became the first female CEO. In her new position, Snow White converted the mine to a laboratory for exploring alternative energy sources, and she promoted all of the dwarfs to key leadership positions. The Queen, upon hearing of Snow White's success, grew more jealous and disguised herself as an apple seller, hoping to poison Snow White. Snow White immediately saw through the ruse and offered to pay for the Queen's psychotherapy. Snow White could have succeeded the suddenly incapacitated monarch. Instead, she gathered the townspeople and orchestrated a democratic election. Grumpy, using the skills he acquired from negotiating with a diverse population of dwarfs, won in a landslide, and he and Snow White, as a representative of the business community, maintained a friendly but arms-length relationship. They all lived mostly happily ever after.

Beth is a mom, wife, sister, friend, and HR executive. She's also on a journey to become a yoga teacher. She likes watermelon, reality television, and politics.

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