What having 3 boys means... and what it doesn't
Last week, we found out the sex of our baby. The only tears shed this time were when the nurse found the heartbeat. After an intense week surrounding the due date of the baby we lost in April, finding out whether or not this baby was a boy or girl seemed so secondary to confirming it was still alive and healthy.
Of course, that was until I saw the “boy parts” on that giant flat screen television.
Then, I was facing the reality of THREE sons. All boys. No daughters.
Last week, we found out the sex of our baby. The only tears shed this time were when the nurse found the heartbeat. After an intense week surrounding the due date of the baby we lost in April, finding out whether or not this baby was a boy or girl seemed so secondary to confirming it was still alive and healthy.
Of course, that was until I saw the “boy parts” on that giant flat screen television.
Then, I was facing the reality of THREE sons. All boys. No daughters.
Let’s begin with what this doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean I’m a saint. It doesn’t mean I’m uniquely equipped to handle the burden of all boys. All boys aren’t a burden any more than all girls are. It doesn’t mean there is some master plan involving my skills as a parent, my future daughter-in-laws, my future grandsons or granddaughters.
It doesn’t MEAN anything on some larger cosmic scale.
It means I’m going to get A LOT of what’s really great about raising boys – mainly that they LURVE their momma.
For example, this is what happens every night when Nicholas tucks Amos in bed.
“Good night, Amos. I love you.”
“I love you, too. … I love my mom.”
And that’s progress because Amos used to answer Nicholas every time he told him he loved him with “I love my mom.”
I also get more of what’s crappy about raising boys. I get more messes and more fighting and more worries about all the dangerous crap teenage boys seem to get themselves in to. I get men who I hope and pray still have something to do with me after other women take over their lives.
Not having a daughter means the same thing only in reverse. I get less of the awesome stuff about raising a daughter – mainly the experience of raising the same sex as yourself. I would love to know what’s that like and it breaks my heart a little that I never will.
But as my wise husband said to me this morning, “I’d like the experience of having a billion dollars. Life doesn’t always work out the way we planned.”
I also get less of the drama involved with raising girls. No weddings. No prom dresses. No princesses (and to that I say HALLEJULAH!).
Either way I don’t want to be convinced that one is better than the other. There are awesome things about having boys and challenging things about having boys. There are awesome things about having girls and challenging things about having girls.
But kids are so much more than the sum of their “parts” and the experience of being a parent can’t be summed up or valued based on what those parts are.
I have been blessed with beautiful, healthy children who I am lucky enough to raise in a safe and supportive environment. I co-parent with the most amazing man on the planet and I have a wonderful family.
Everything else is just gravy.
I have an announcement.
I have a little announcement.
This little announcement is 12 weeks old and is about the size of a lime.
This little announcement is due at the end of February.
I have a little announcement.
This little announcement is 12 weeks old and is about the size of a lime.
This little announcement is due at the end of February.
I’m pregnant and our entire family is so excited. If you subscribe to my weekly emails, you already knew this exciting news (I told y’all there was exclusive content!) but it felt like time to make it real and truly OFFICIAL.
I got pregnant two months after the end of my last pregnancy, which means I’ll have basically been pregnant from 2013 to 2015. GOOD TIMES! The good news is that this pregnancy feels completely different.
I remember sitting at the end of my bed and figuring up my due date. February. It sounded like the most gorgeous word in the English language. I wasn’t filled with dread or anxiety. I just felt overwhelming joy.
Now, that doesn’t mean the first trimester has been a walk in the park. I’ve been tired. I’ve been nauseous. However, I always assumed being newly pregnant during the middle of summer would be terrible, but not so much!
You see I suffer from a peculiar combination of conditions during my first trimester of pregnancy. Despite the fact that my temperature is high, I get cold INSANELY easy. I don’t know if it’s like having a constant fever or what but my air conditioning is set on 75 degrees and I can still get chilly. Weirdly, even though I’m cold, I don’t want ANYTHING warm to eat. No hot coffee or my afternoon tea. No soups or casseroles. I like my food and drinks nice and cold. Go figure.
As you can imagine, this combination made me completely and totally miserable during the last pregnancy. I was stuck in the middle of the Polar Vortex and could do nothing at all to warm myself up. Plus, I was sick all the damn time.
SO, being cold and nauseous during the season of steamy hot days and frozen drink has been dang near pleasant.
Of course, my physical condition is only part of the equation.
I was feeling so good when I got pregnant. Two months of intense emotional work had left me feeling like the loss of our baby was something that happened TO me – not something that was currently happening. I mistakenly assumed I would continue to feel like that.
The first couple of weeks were fine. I really wasn’t worried about miscarriage. I felt healthy and strong. I felt good about this baby. However, the closer I’ve gotten to 16 weeks, the point in the pregnancy when our last baby passed away, the harder it has gotten.
I still feel so good about this baby. I truly don’t worry endlessly about something terrible happening. It’s just I feel like I’m being forced to relive last time. Every growth milestone or every doctor’s visit where I hear a strong heartbeat is just a sad reminder of last time.
At my last visit, the nurse had trouble picking up the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler. I didn’t panic. I knew the baby was fine. The doctor came in with a portable ultrasound and showed me my beautiful baby and its little heartbeat. Of course, my beautiful baby was also asleep and very, very still.
I could see the heartbeat. I knew the baby was ok. And yet I was back in another room, watching another screen, with another baby who was very, very still and not ok.
I wish my little one had been doing backflips but I supposed it was a good reminder that this little one doesn’t know and doesn’t care about last time. It is decidedly not his or her problem or burden to bear.
And yet I don’t know how to detach my sadness over my last experience from this one.
I can’t forget. I can’t wrap up my grief in nice little package and pack it away.
I keep thinking of the Charles Valiant quote, “Joy is grief inside out.”
I feel inside out right now. There is so much sadness made stronger by joy and joy made stronger by sadness going on within me.
It’s hard. It’s intense. It’s beautiful.
Sex v. Gender: Why my boys wear nail polish
I encountered it time and time again with Amos. You see I have a thing about cutting your baby’s hair anyway. I think as soon as you cut their hair they’re not your baby anymore. Suddenly, they look so grownup and then everyone starts telling them what a big boy they are and then before you know it they’re in college.
No, thank you.
Plus, Amos just got cuter and cuter the longer his hair got and it got pretty dang long.
Over and over again, people would ask, “Don’t people think he’s a girl!?!” Or family and friends who jokingly call him girl names and tell him what a pretty girl he was.
Apparently, the mere idea that someone would confuse my little boy for a little girl was supposed to scare me into cutting it all off immediately.
I hear a similar thread of conversation among my friend’s with newborns. There is great concern with the perceived gender of outfits and bows and headbands and preventing confusion at all costs.
I just don’t get it.
I encountered it time and time again with Amos. You see I have a thing about cutting your baby’s hair anyway. I think as soon as you cut their hair they’re not your baby anymore. Suddenly, they look so grownup and then everyone starts telling them what a big boy they are and then before you know it they’re in college.
No, thank you.
Plus, Amos just got cuter and cuter the longer his hair got and it got pretty dang long.
Over and over again, people would ask, “Don’t people think he’s a girl!?!” Or family and friends who jokingly call him girl names and tell him what a pretty girl he was.
Apparently, the mere idea that someone would confuse my little boy for a little girl was supposed to scare me into cutting it all off immediately.
I hear a similar thread of conversation among my friend’s with newborns. There is great concern with the perceived gender of outfits and bows and headbands and preventing confusion at all costs.
I just don’t get it.
Now, I’m not a doctor. However, as far as I know, other people’s perception of your child’s sex has absolutely no effect on what resides between their chubby little legs. People can confuse your precious baby girl for a boy all day long and she will still be a girl. People can call your adorable baby boy a beautiful girl all day long and he will remain a boy.
Trust me. Amos was confused for a girl on multiple occasions and yet he remains a boy -completely and totally unaffected by being called a girl so many times.
My question is if it doesn’t change the sex of your child then why does it matter?
Well, I would argue because people aren’t really concerned about the SEX of a child which (for the most part) is set at birth. Sex is defined as the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women. What people get all riled up about is GENDER and that is a WHOLE other ball game.
Gender as defined by the World Health Organization is “the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women.” In many ways, gender is defined from birth as well. In a million subtle ways, we treat boys and girls differently from the moment they exit the womb.
Now, we can debate whether or not the ways we treat boys and girls differently define those gender roles or whether these roles are found deep within our DNA. Truthfully, I don’t think it really matters. What is not up for debate is that some little boys and girls don’t fall within those predefined roles.
Some boys really love dolls and dress-up and the color pink. Some girls love football and cars and the color blue. My husband likes to cook for his family. I like to drink bourbon and argue about politics.
AND THAT’S OK.
What is NOT ok is when someone is made to feel shame because who they are or what they enjoy does not line up with society’s predefined roles for them.
People say they just want their kids to be happy but sometimes I wonder if they mean it. What if your little boy wants to stay home and raise kids? What if your little girl wants to join the Air Force? Our children are individuals wholly and completely separate from the baggage we carry about what’s “right” or “appropriate.”
And that is why I try to get out of the way when my sons show an interest in just about anything and, let me tell you, everyone else better get out of the way as well. You want to see me go all mama bear in zero to 60? Say something about Amos’s fingernail polish or Griffin’s pink fuzzy socks. I dare you.
Gender roles are an ongoing discussion in our house because it is incredibly important to me that THEY define what’s important to them – not society.
At Griffin’s four-year-old checkup, our pediatrician looked at him and exclaimed, “Griffin you’re such a pretty girl!”
Griffin responded, “I’m not a girl!”
“Well, how do you know?”
“Because I don’t have a vagina!”
The doctor burst out laughing and told me he’d never gotten that response before. I was so confused. “What do they usually say?” I asked. He told me most boys would say they weren’t a girl because they didn’t wear dresses or have long hair. (Seriously, with the hair again!?! Is anyone really debating that J-Law and her new pixie cut is not longer female? Or Ted Nugent is anything but male?!?)
I was incredulous. I told him gender is an ongoing discussion in our house. That we spend a lot of time talking about the physical differences between boys and girls and what other people think about what boys should do and what girls should do. However, ask Griffin the truth and this is what he’ll tell you.
“The only thing girls can do that boys can’t do is have babies. Everything else is up for grabs.”
What about you? How do you feel about traditional gender roles as they're applied to our kids?
Celebrating without Consumption
Or why my son didn't wear a new outfit for the first day of school.
Today is Griffin's first day of kindergarten. He had pancakes for breakfast, as requested. He walked in excitedly with me and Nicholas. He greeted his friends and found his classroom.
One thing he didn't do was wear a new outfit.
First and foremost, he didn't need one. I am incredibly blessed to have two dear friends with two boys apiece who pass down boxes and boxes of clothes to me every season. I am swimming t-shirts, shorts, shoes, and swim trunks. I would estimate there are currently 30-40 shirts hanging in my son's closet right now ranging from Mario t-shirts to collared button downs for church. Griffin calls them "pick-me-ups" and loves the idea that he and Amos wear the same clothes as his buddies Jack and David.
So, on the most basic financial level, I couldn't justify purchasing clothes we simply do. not. need.
Or why my son didn't wear a new outfit for the first day of school.
Today is Griffin's first day of kindergarten. He had pancakes for breakfast, as requested. He walked in excitedly with me and Nicholas. He greeted his friends and found his classroom.
One thing he didn't do was wear a new outfit.
First and foremost, he didn't need one. I am incredibly blessed to have two dear friends with two boys apiece who pass down boxes and boxes of clothes to me every season. I am swimming t-shirts, shorts, shoes, and swim trunks. I would estimate there are currently 30-40 shirts hanging in my son's closet right now ranging from Mario t-shirts to collared button downs for church. Griffin calls them "pick-me-ups" and loves the idea that he and Amos wear the same clothes as his buddies Jack and David.
So, on the most basic financial level, I couldn't justify purchasing clothes we simply do. not. need.
Then, I started to worry I was denying Griffin some important rite-of-passage. Sure, I don't remember what I wore to my first day of kindergarten but I'm guessing I picked it out. Plus, didn't I want to participate in the annual shopping trip tradition? I still remember taking Griffin to pick out "Pete the Cat" converse sneakers for his first day of preschool. We had a blast and he was so proud of his new shoes.
However, I also worry that too often I use consumption to celebrate important events. We buy an ice cream cone on the last day of school. We earn trips to the toy store with good behavior.
Griffin doesn't know you're "supposed to" have a new outfit for the first day of school. Why should I teach him that? He picked out his own outfit from clothes that already made him feel good. Why should spending money be part of the equation?
Look, I'm not opposed to all purchases. We went school supplies shopping and let him pick out his folder colors. Obviously, I'm not opposed to all back-to-school gear and he absolutely loves his brand-new backpack, which he needed since his last one was falling apart.
I just decided on top of all the new purchases and experiences a new outfit was superfluous. And I'm glad we took the time we would have spent roaming the aisles of T.J.Maxx checking a few more items off our summer list.
What about you? Are new outfits mandatory or do you skip them? We're having a great discussion on Facebook!
Back-to-School Gear for the BEST School Year Yet!
Recently, I was on WPSD Local 6 Today talking about all the best gear to make this school year great for both kids and parents. From backpacks to organizational gear, I found the best of the best so you don't have to!
The Coolest Backpacks Around!
Lands' End Print FeatherLight™ Medium Backpack
One name I heard over and over again when researching backpacks was Lands' End. They have several different sizes from your littlest one to your biggest kid. The patterns are fun. The personalization is great. More importantly, every Lands' End product is GUARANTEED. PERIOD.® So, you know that whatever abuse comes this little bag's way Lands' End is there with a simple promise. "If you're not satisfied with any item, simply return it to us at any time for an exchange or refund of its purchase price."
Pottery Barn Kids My First Backpack
Pottery Barn Kids came highly recommended in a wonderful post by the Harvard Homemaker called 10 Things to Think About Before Your Child Starts Kindergarten (That Have Nothing to Do With Academics). High quality products are not a surprise with Pottery Barn but I was pleasantly surprised by the choice of patterns and size. I fell in love with their My First Backpack which falls in the just big enough but not too big range for any preschoolers starting in the fall.
Pottery Barn offers personalization and free shipping on all their products as well!
MadPax Full Packs, Half Packs, and Nibblers
Chances are if you've seen a MadPax in person you've never forgotten it. MadPax is leading the way in cool innovative designs that make the word backpack seem a little bit irrelevant. They have three sizes full packs, half packs, and nibblers in a variety of styles and colors. The Warp Speed Full Pack is the current star of the show with it's solar system design and it is sure to be a hit with kids (and, let's be honest, adults) of any age.
Even more exciting? MadPax is giving away one Warp Speed Full Pack to a lucky reader!
Mabel's Labels
Beyond "buy a quality backpack," the one recommendation I've heard from parent after parent is LABEL EVERYTHING. When it comes to labels, the best of the best is Mabel's Labels. From backpack tags to iron-on labels to dishwasher and microwave safe labels for lunch boxes, Mabel's Labels has you covered!
Mabel's Labels is giving away the Stylish Scholar Combo Pack to one lucky reader!
Keeping the entire family organized!
erin condren life planner
My love of all things erin condren is well-documented. I know it sounds weird that the Queen of Technology would love a paper planner BUT I DO. I still use my calendar app to add my appointments but at the beginning of every week I put everything in my paper planner so I can see the week. I think about my life in weeks and I've found this helps me to stay organized not only in terms of appointments but also meal plans, work assignments, and school projects.
If you've ever encountered someone who uses an erin condren product, you won't forget it. It's less of a fan club and more of a cult. Trust me. Once you go erin, you don't go back!
And OH HAPPY DAY, erin condren is giving away one life planner to a lucky reader!
Cozi App and Website
For those of you who want a high tech solution to family insanity, Cozi has you covered. A website, as well as iOS and Android app, Cozi is a one-stop shop for all your family's needs. From grocery lists to to-do items to EVERYONE's schedule, Cozi has it all. Every thing all in one place. What more could you ask for!
Cozi is giving away on one year subscription to Cozi Gold to one lucky reader!
Gear that makes lunch the most exciting meal of the day!
milkdot Printed Lunch Tote
Very few lunch totes are colorful for the young ones but cool enough for adults, but milkdot totes are one of the few. These insulated totes are well-designed with plenty of room for a full lunch, drink, and snack. Plus, I love the way they zip completely open eliminating all that annoying digging to the bottom for the special treat.
milkdot is giving away this adorable striped green tote to one lunch reader!
Laptop Lunches Bento-ware
We are big bento fans in the Holland house. My kids like variety and I find the sections help me make sure I'm covering all the major food groups for the day. Also, I love reusable containers of any kind and hate throwing away ziploc bags everyday. I've heard rave reviews about Laptop Lunches because of their durability and design. Plus, every container is food safe (aka NO lead, BPA (bisphenol A), phthalates, or PVC), microwave safe, AND dishwasher safe.
Laptop Lunches currently has a deal that with every order you get a $10 coupon to Mabel's Labels AND Lunchbox Love sampler (which I'm about to talk about below!) plus 20% at sayplease.com!
Use the coupon code: wastefreelunch for a 10% discount.
Pottery Barn Kids' Lunch Bags
This is another line that came highly recommended by the Harvard Homemaker, as well as many other moms I know. Just like the backpacks, there are a ton of patterns available but there are also four basic styles that offer something for everyone. I also love that the lining of each bag is made of PEVA, an environmentally friendly, food-safe vinyl that’s made without chlorine or plasticizers.
Pottery Barn offers personalization and free shipping on all their products as well!
I See Me! Off To School Personalized Lunch Box
There's just something about a classic tin lunchbox, especially when it can be personalized with your child's with your child's name like so many of the back to school products from I See Me!. The other feature I love about the I See Me! lunch box is the lid is also a chalkboard! Perfect for all those special little notes or reminders.
Lunchbox Love
Speaking of little notes, my child can't even read and I'm already getting requests for lunchbox notes. At 7am the pressure to write something beyond "Love you!" can be a little high, that's why I love Lunchbox Love. The company was started by two friends that wanted more positivity in the products marketed to children and features lunchbox notes with a meaningful message on the front and riddle or fun fact on the back!
Lunchbox Love is giving away a four volume set of Lunchbox Love for Kids plus 2 volumes of Riddles to one lucky reader!
How I Capture a Year in my Boys' Lives
Every year on the boys' birthdays I take all the random iPhone videos and school performances and milestone moments I've taken from the previous year and create a montage. I've done it since both boys were born because I decided the chance of me reviewing all the random video files scattered here and yonder is slim as the years go by. However, sitting down and watching a couple minutes for each year is easy. I LOVE going back each year and watching how they've grown.... and by love I mean I cry my eyes out.
Do you do anything special each year on your child's birthday?
Why My Family DOES Sleepovers
It’s a safe bet that I’m going to have a problem with any article that begins “James Dobson believes…” I’m not a fan of James Dobson. I’m not a fan of his views on child-rearing in particular.
So, it should come as no surprise I disagree with Tim Challies and his article “Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers,” which begins by citing Mr. Dobson.
A memory I'm glad I didn't miss.
It’s a safe bet that I’m going to have a problem with any article that begins “James Dobson believes…” I’m not a fan of James Dobson. I’m not a fan of his views on child-rearing in particular.
So, it should come as no surprise I disagree with Tim Challies and his article “Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers,” which begins by citing Mr. Dobson.
“James Dobson believes that children should not participate in sleepovers. The world has changed, he says, and has become too dangerous to allow your children out of your sight for so long. ”
Challies goes on to say he disagrees that the world is more dangerous but still has decided to make a hard and fast rule prohibiting sleepovers.
“The reason we drew the rule so firmly was that it removes exceptions and explanations. We know ourselves well and realized that if we drew up a list of exceptions we would inevitably broaden that list over time. Not only that, but we did not want to have to explain to a family why we allowed our children to stay with others but not with them. So sleepovers were just taken right off the table without exceptions or individual explanations… Aileen and I made our decision based largely on experience and observation of what happened around us when we were young. We made this decision because even in our youth—decades ago—we saw plenty of evidence of the dangers inherent in sleepovers.”
First off, I am not an expert on child molestation. I’m not going to argue with with either Dobson’s assertion that the world is more dangerous for children then it used to be or with Chillies’s assertion that it is just as dangerous as it always was because I simply don’t know.
Luckily, I know someone who does. After reading this post, I immediately reached out to my favorite child safety expert Pattie Fitzgerald. Last year, I did a webinar with Pattie on how to protect your children from predators and, in my opinion, she is the BEST at what she does. So, I sent her the post and asked her what she thought.
Here was her response as to the assertion that children are less safe:
“I truly understand this father’s concerns and I don’t want to criticize another parent’s choice that is right for his family, but there is one statement he makes that not quite right. Namely... that the world is worse now and that children are not safe the way they were in the “good old days”. That is simply untrue, in fact statistically kids are safer today than 20-30 years ago because we are more alert, and talk about personal safety with them, many parents are better educated about the subject. ”
So, if children aren’t less safe, I asked Pattie if sleepovers should be off limits.
“Now as far as sleepovers, I talk about this a lot in my workshops and I’ve covered this extensively on my blog. Yes, sleepovers can be a slippery slope, but so can playdates, after school lessons, a family reunion! And you can’t wrap your kid in bubble wrap. However, I do know that stuff happens at sleepovers, either with an older sibling, an adult in the home, or even a friend. So parent are wise to do their due diligence first before ever allowing a sleepover, waiting until a child is old enough, and then limiting where and when.
When my daughter was younger, there were only 3 houses where she was allowed to sleep over. She knew I felt comfortable with these and that’s all I told her. I didn’t have her do sleepovers where there were older teenage brothers, I didn’t have her do sleepovers if the parents were not great at supervising, or if they were partiers, or even having some kind of adult party or function that night. Check out my post, the list of questions a parent should ask themselves BEFORE a sleepover and please feel free to share. Once again, there is no “one-size-fits-all” answer here and I don’t want to criticize Mr. Dobson for making a personal parenting choice for his family. I understand it. ”
Check out Pattie's sleepover recommendations!
Also, not surprisingly, I find myself agreeing with Pattie. I do understand an easy NO SLEEPOVER prohibition. Lord knows exceptions and exemptions can become difficult with children. However, it is not the approach I would take.
Whether I’m dealing with sleepovers or playgrounds, my approach to parenting is very simple.
It is my job to teach my children to deal with the world - not to merely protect them from it.
Let me be clear. I hate this. I really, really do. My baby is going to kindergarten in three weeks and I am dreading every second of it. I don’t want him to be picked on or teased or so much as over-extended. I want to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle on the couch while we watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs until the end of time but that ain’t how it works.
Parenting sucks. Teaching another person to deal with the complicated, icky grey areas of life while maintaining one’s compassion, sense of humor, and a savings account is HARD but that’s the gig.
No parent wants to have to explain to their child that some people aren’t nice and might want to hurt them. No parent wants to think about how their child would respond in another person tried to touch them inappropriately.
But guess what? We have to.
We have to walk the incredibly fine line between keeping them safe and giving them the opportunity to keep themselves safe.
Because the complicated truth - like Pattie said - is your child could encounter such a person ANYWHERE and eliminating sleepovers doesn’t change that. Like I’ve said before, the presence of any risk doesn’t automatically render a behavior dangerous. For me and my family, I don’t look at “sleepovers” as an activity and see more risk than reward.
Could that change based on the individual household? You betcha. But that decision-making process is one I’m willing to tackle.
The world we live in might be dangerous but it is the world my child must live in. If I don’t show him how to navigate it, who will?
How do you feel about sleepovers?
How to make ice chalk pops
Many of you have asked for ideas on how to keep kids entertained. We had a blast recently with this craft I first saw on Reading Confetti so I thought I'd share. It's basically half cornstarch, half water then however much food coloring you want to add. I did it a little bit different by letting Griffin add the food coloring to the individual pop containers and then just pouring in the chalk. You can tell by the separation that he might have gotten a little carried away so use this approach at your own risk!
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Recently, I posted on Facebook that I was trying to stop yelling at my kids. There wasn't one rock bottom moment but there were enough bad days that I woke up one morning and thought, "I'm not going to yell at my kids today." Then, the next day I made the decision and the next and the next. Some days are harder than others but none was harder than that first day.