There will come a day.

Darlene's three sons before they were grown men.

It was the kind of summer in Kentucky when the hot August day dies at the hands of its own heat and humidity. A sticky, sweaty two-year-old boy was nestled in the ring of a bathtub baby holder (no doubt long since designated as a death trap like so many other devices we were using in 1981) and I was plopped on the cool tile next to him. I distinctly remember thinking: I will be doing this for the rest of my life. Little did I know that within the next three years I would have two more boys placing me securely in what Sarah and I have termed THE MOB (mothers of boys). 

Now I’m a capable thinker and I knew in my MIND that I wouldn’t be doing that the rest of my life but at the time I couldn’t see past the long daily and rigorous chores of taking care of a two-year-old. HAD I known then that within the blink of what seemed like only a few more southern summers, I would be sitting next to a 33-year-old attorney with a high school, college, and post graduate career behind him I would have no doubt been more “in the moment” as the much maligned mantra proposes.

I’m filling in today for my sweet young friend, Sarah, who is in the throes (perhaps literally) of delivering her third boy into the world. There may come a day when she is surrounded by three little boys, ALL uncontrollably and inconsolably screaming at the same time, and think: this will never end. 

But there will come a day. 

There will be a day when the bake sales are behind you, the diapers are done with, the tears are more like mild traumas, the bikes are replaced by a banged-up VW Beetle, and the “what am I going to do with them!” translates to “what am I going to do without them?”

As one of my favorite author/mom types (Anna Quindlen) wrote some years ago, “It’s not simply the loss of these particular people, living here day in, day out, the bickering, the inside jokes, the cereal bowls in the sink and the towels in the hamper—all right, on the floor. It was who I was with them: the general to their battalion, the president to their cabinet.” 

When we inhabit motherhood we become someone new. When we hit the teenage years we become someone we may not like. When they leave us on our own, we become someone who feels loss but gains friends. 

Yeah, I know once a mom, always a mom. But there is a new joy in creating a relationship with your children that is based on a mutual history and perhaps a newfound respect. 

So young moms of the world, there WILL come a day when your full house morphs into an empty nest but believe me— the trip in between is SUCH a great ride!

Darlene Mazzone is a parent, publisher, and country girl in city shoes. She's the mother of three grown men and is the Executive Editor of PADUCAH LIFE Magazine, a feature magazine in Paducah, KY. She was the first healthcare public relations professional in West Kentucky, is in love with screenwriter Aaron Sorkin (it's OK, her husband knows all about it) and loves pasta, English novels, and of course, reruns of West Wing.

11 Pieces of General, Yet Very Important, Advice

My name is Jenny. My internet last name is On The Spot. So, Jenny On The Spot is my full name.

But you can call me Jenny.

I am female. I have aged in the the early part of my 4th decade. I have 3 kids... 9, 12, and, 15. If you do the math I will soon have TWO teenagers, one of whom will be a licensed driver by the beginning of the summer.

Yes, I need a hug. Thank you for asking.

I am in no condition to run a 5k. But neither is my friend Sarah here, but she actually has a good reason... Related: COME ON LITTLE GUY! WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BABY FACE AND BABY TOES.

And mommy probably wants to SEE her OWN toes.

I just want to thank Sarah for entrusting me with prime real estate on her blog here today.

Inviting someone to share something on your blog is a lot like allowing a someone to throw a party at your house.

As the party thrower in this, Sarah's home... I had some concern.

WHAT IF I TRASH THE PLACE?!

WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE DISH TOWELS?

There was one time I threw a baby shower at another person's house (an acquaintance). Or was it a wedding shower? In any case... I got there with a whole lot of food to prep. and did you know SOME PEOPLE DON'T USE DISH TOWELS?

I have no idea what the alternative is, but I may or may not have a *thing* about dishtowels...

Especially white ones.

Piece of Advice #1: Always have plenty of dish towels. I recommend white because you can bleach out the shame that certain messes leave on dish towels.

I also have a *thing* about baby wipes.

Piece of Advice #2: Baby wipes aren't just for babies anymore.

That's not really an advice statement.

What I MEANT to write was... Never don't have baby wipes on hand.

That's better.

If you ignore the double negative and whathaveyou.

My babies are no longer babies... but I assert - babies are not needed to keep baby wipes on hand. I keep them in the car, and in the bathroom, and in the kitchen, and in the laundry room... Baby wipes are the rich uncle to the nephew who always has to get bailed out of jail.

In short: You never know when you are going to need a rich uncle/baby wipes.

Piece of Advice #3: Don't do anything that would put you in a place where you will need to get bailed out of jail/call your rich uncle. That should go without saying, but... PEOPLE THESE DAYS.

I'm not trying to mother you, but I am a mom. Don't go to jail. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Piece of Advice #4: Don't trust anyone who offers advice without solicitation.

Except me.

Piece of Advice #5: Be kind to yourself... like that one friend you have that is way too sweet. Be her (or him), to yourself. I don't actually know how to do that, but I've read we people tend to be quite hard on ourselves and I've always wanted to take that advice.

Piece of Advice #6: Drink plenty of water everyday. That's always good advice. If I do say so myself.

Piece of Advice #7: Make time for friends. I have been really bad about this, so this is just as much a reminder for me as it is for you.

Warning: if you DO end up having to get bailed out of jail, it will probably be because of friends like my friend there on the left.

Totally worth it.

Piece of Advice #8: Don't wait until the day before you are supposed to meet with your tax guy to pull together all your stuff for your personal taxes and 2 small businesses. Just don't. Trust me.

Piece of Advice #9: If you are a dog owner... never give your dogs the benefit of the doubt. They WILL work very hard to consume the roll of tape/lip gloss/leather boots/Converse/paperback book/hardback book you left out... Your daughter's "very special" water bottle you saw sitting on the coffee table as you were running out the door very late and thought, "Oh that'll be fine."

It will not be fine.

#thugs

Piece of Advice #10: If you have children... your kids are smarter than you.

I guess that's not advice. It's a truth statement that you really need to be aware of.

Just because a person can't speak, tie shoes, or eat solid food... doesn't mean they're not smart. OH NO. They may not be able to sit up on their own but they have got you wrapped around their tiny (yet chubby) little finger. ALL OF THEIR FINGERS.

There's really no advice (a.k.a. WARNING) one can give when it comes to children and their cunning. The best I can give: Just beware.

They're worse than dogs.

But also way better.

Even at 9, 12, and 15 they still have me wrapped around their not-so-little fingers.

Piece of Advice #11: Take lots of selfies with your people...

You just have to. It's the very best. That is something you will never regret.

Your teen might regret it, but your teen is still living under your roof, so... SELFIE TIME!

The last thing I would like to add is...

MERRY NEW BABY TO MY FRIEND! I feel all the emotions when my friends add to their numbers. The excitement. The fear. Sometimes jealousy (I don't even know why I miss those sleep-deprived baby days, but golly I sure miss those days sometimes!). The joy... that new baby head smell!

There really is no new advice under the sun. Just the reminder to sleep when you can (I regret not heeding that advice), soak in all the baby goodness... revel in the beauty of new sibling love. It will never be more sweet than in the beginning. Because sibling rivalry kicks in and... I'm sorry. I am digressing... 

Kiss those cheeks, take lots of pictures (SELFIES TOO, MAMA!), let that little guy melt into your chest for long naps. It goes so fast. As you know. Those moments are THE moments. And you just can't jump back in time to do it again.

At least I don't think we can time travel just yet...

How we talk about vaccines

Photo Credit: PAHO/WHO via Compfight cc

Let's get this out of the way. Both of my sons have received the Measles, Mumps, and Rubella vaccine. Not that I owe anyone that information, but I thought I would make it clear from the beginning considering the current fervor surround the measles outbreak.

My children have received all of their vaccinations but ... on an alternate schedule (except the flu shot). I do not believe that vaccines cause autism. However, I also do not believe that every child should be pushed through a system that treats every child (and their immune system) the same. I'm also not sure just because we can vaccinate that means we should vaccinate (I'm looking at you chicken pox).

I understand that our modern vaccination system has saved millions of lives. Overall, it is a medical marvel that does an incredibly good job at what it is supposed to do—prevent deaths from infectious disease. However, just because it is a good system doesn't mean it's a perfect system. It can and should be improved upon and not just by adding more vaccinations to an already crowded schedule.

For me, I approach vaccinations the same way I approach health care in general. In a nutshell, if we're talking about any kind of medical intervention, I'm going to start at "no" and you're going to have to convince me. If you want to perform a surgery on my child or inject my child or medicate my child, you better have a darn good reason. I'll listen to science and the opinion of my physician, but I'm also going to listen to my gut.

My gut said I did not want anything entering the body of my minutes-old infant except my own breast milk. So, I said no to Vitamin K drops, eye ointment, and the Hepatitis B vaccine. The reasons provided for interventions were just not good enough for me. That's not to say my children will never receive the Hepatitis B vaccine (Griffin already has), but I decided the risk of infection wasn't high enough for me to administer the vaccine at birth.

My gut also says I don't want my child receiving upwards of four to five shots at a time. First, because OUCH!. Would you want that many shots at one time?  Second, side effects are rare with vaccines but should my child have one how the heck would we figure out which vaccine was causing the problem? And third, our immune systems are tricky, tricky things and what I don't want to do is piss it off. (Scientific, I know.)

So, I've decided to follow Dr. Sears alternative schedule, which only allows for two shots per visit. As a result you come in once a month instead of once every two months, but I've decided it's worth it. I also think he does a great job of analyzing the risk of each infection with regards to the child's age and using that information to schedule the vaccines. Therefore, because whooping cough or rotavirus are particularly dangers for infants, those vaccines are given at the beginning, while chicken pox or Hep B are pushed to a later date.

Now, the mere mention of Dr. Sears would classify me for many as an anti-vaxxer worthy of scorn and there has been A LOT of scorn going around with regards to parents who chose not to vaccinate and the recent measles outbreak. 

Honestly, it makes me really uncomfortable.

First, I don't think it's productive. When was the last time someone called you an idiot and you thought, "You know what? They're right! I'm going to really examine where that person is coming from!"

Yeah, that's what I thought. Me either.

Alienating families who choose not to vaccinate their children by calling them names and insulting their intelligence accomplishes absolutely nothing. 

Second, I know a lot of these families. Families who make very different choices then I do and - let me tell you something - they love their children just as much as I love mine. Now, I understand this is not a Similac commercial. My decision to have a home birth or breastfeed or home school doesn't affect the safety of your child. However, my decision to vaccinate or not vaccinate can and does affect your child. 

That's why emotions are high. I'm about to have a newborn who will have no immunity to measles AND not be a candidate for vaccination - believe me, I GET IT. 

However, if the goal is to educate on the science of vaccines and change people's minds, then maybe we should also examine the science of PERSUASION - specifically how it relates to vaccines. 

“Facts and evidence, for one, may not be the answer everyone thinks they are: they simply aren’t that effective, given how selectively they are processed and interpreted. Instead, why not focus on presenting issues in a way keeps broader notions out of it—messages that are not political, not ideological, not in any way a reflection of who you are?”

— Maria Konnikova

So, let's stop insulting one another. As parents, our goal to keep our children safe and healthy but it is not our only goal. We also want to present examples of behavior that include empathy and compassion and understanding - behaviors worth emulating. 

There's a lot on the line but that doesn't mean we need to sacrifice our basic humanity.

Post by Sarah Stewart Holland.

How to speak to a pregnant woman

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

We’ve come to the part in our program where Sarah needs to let off some serious steam about the ridiculous things people say to pregnant women in their last trimester. Of course, I’m always gracious in the moment after someone uses the word “huge” or “miserable” or - God forbid - “twins” but here among friends there’s going to be a little less grace and a lot more honesty.

(deep breath)

shut up shut up shut up I do not want to hear what you think about my pregnancy shut up shut up shut up before I kick you in the face for commenting on how giant I am shut up shut up shut up I don’t want to hear some unrelated and unhelpful anecdote about your brother’s girlfriend’s cousin’s baby’s daddy’s niece and her fourteen pound baby shut shut up SHUT UP!!!!!!

(exhale)

I feel better. Don’t you?

Now, let’s take a step back for some take away lessons.

I know I’m huge. I know people see pregnant women as some type of community property that must be touched, smiled at, commented on. I get it. I really do. My belly arrives in the room before I do, so I know it’s hard to ignore. And in all fairness, I had four perfect strangers come up to me in a span of two weeks and exclaim, “You look adorable/so cute/precious!” and it made my day.

I’m not saying never speak to pregnant woman. I’m just saying let’s all agree to some ground rules.

1. Never use the term “any day.” As in, “you must be due any day!” Well, no, I actually have two months left but thank you so much for inquiring. I think I got my first any day with Griffin when I was six months pregnant. It was awkward. It was unpleasant. So, let’s leave the due date prediction to the professionals and move on.


2. Don’t reference popping, blowing up, or any other type of explosion. It’s come to my attention that there are some people out there fundamentally confused about how a baby is born. (This is particularly frustrating when it is women who have had children!)  It is exciting but there is no special effects team. I am not going to blow up. My belly is not a balloon and it is not about to pop. If everything goes as planned, the baby will pass through my vagina. I’m sorry if this is disappointing for you. Deal with it.


3. Leave your assumptions about how I’m feeling at home. I love it when I’m feeling good. Nothing aches or hurts. I’m not tired. I’m bending over with ease. Everything is going as planned until someone looks at me like I’ve just stepped off a Titanic lifeboat and says, “You must be miserable!” Nope, not miserable but now a little pissed you rained on my sunny day. I also hate, “You must be ready to go!” No, I’m not ready. I have a to do list a mile long so he can just stay right there, thank you very much. Not to mention, for my friends who have dealt with pre-term labor, they probably walk around in fear of the exact thing you assume they want most of all.


4. Take your scary labor stories and shove them where the sun don’t shine. I got this ALL THE TIME with Griffin, particularly when people heard I was planning a home birth. It was like a contest to see who could tell the most frightening details of the birth that never ended/baby who weighed as much as a toddler/tear that started at your throat and went to God only knows where. (Funny how these stories seem to disappear once you’ve delivered one 9 lb 7 oz baby at home with no drugs.) It’s not helpful. It’s not supportive. If you have some issues you need to work out about your labor and delivery, I suggest you see a therapist and not take it out on the nearest pregnant woman.


5. Treat others as you would want to be treated. This is an easy one. Perhaps you remember it from childhood? Before you speak, put yourself in her very pregnant shoes. Would you want someone commenting on your weight? Would it hurt your feelings if someone assumed you were having twins and you weren’t? Is your comment helpful AT ALL? Just because we are growing a human being doesn’t mean we stopped being a human being. Like anyone else, we just need a little kindness to get through the day. Perhaps instead of commenting, you could just hold the door, offer a helping hand with the groceries, or - I don’t know - buy her a milkshake.


6. No, seriously, if you live in Paducah and you see me around town, feel free to buy me a milkshake.

How I talk to my kids about sex

Recently a video from the Break.com entitled "Parents Talk to Their Kids About The Birds and the Bees for the First Time" started making the rounds on the internet. It is HIGH-larious to watch both the kids attempt to answer basic biological questions and the parents CLEAR discomfort in discussing this topic with their children.

My favorite moment is the mom who presents a very straightforward biological explanation only to look at the camera and proclaim repeatedly, "I don't like that." Seriously, just watch it. I'll wait. 

Once I stopped laughing, I realized I have taken a very different approach then most of these parents. Instead of one BIG talk, I prefer to handle questions as they come with an emphasis on matter-of-fact honesty. 

I wish I could claim some type of greater enlightenment when it comes to sex but my attitude was influenced heavily - like everyone else - by how my parents, specifically my mom, talked to me about sex. 

I have this theory that the three of the most important things in life - sex, money, and food - don't get enough direct, honest instruction by parents. They are difficult subjects fraught with emotion and gray areas that make straightforward rules difficult and force us to examine touchy subjects we'd really rather not think about.

Now, I won't say my mother did a fantastic job teaching me about nutrition or money but I will say this without hesitation. My mom NAILED IT when it came to teaching me about sex.

I remember vividly coming home from seeing Look Who's Talking, which means I would have been around 8 years old, and asking my mom what the HECK was going on with those tadpole things. She sat me down and used these royal blue health books to explain it all to me. She covered everything from sex to periods and I recall thinking, "I wish I didn't know this."

Everything felt different all of a sudden.

Even though it all began with one big talk, what my mom did differently, and what I try to replicate in my relationship with my own children, was continue the conversation. She was always approachable, never embarrassed, and unflinchingly honest. 

The most infamous anecdote, which I think is both illustrative AND hilarious involved me approaching her with a question in middle school. My friends started talking about blow jobs, I ran to my mother for explanation. I don't remember any hesitation or embarrassment on her part. She just told me what it was and, when I exclaimed I thought that was disgusting, she responded, "You'll do it one day."

Well, then.

I remember my mother telling me about having to go on birth control if I decided to have sex, which would involve going to the doctor and putting my feet in stirrups. For some reason, in my mind, this involved a saddle and the doctor underneath you and I just decided I could wait on ALL that for a while. I remember my mother proclaiming over and over that sex was NOT like it was in the movies so I needed to let go of that notion quickly and move on. 

There was no guilt or shame or hiding. My mother and I had (and still have) open and honest conversations about sex that have served me well throughout my entire life. 

As a result, I am open and honest with my own children and don't shy away from the topic of biology or sex. Both Griffin and Amos know boys have pensises and girls have vaginas. Based on the advice of my absolute favorite child educator Pattie Fitzgerald, we use the proper biological terms every time.

Due to the impending arrival of their little brother, both boys know that the baby will come out of my vagina but that some babies also come out of their mommy's bellies. Griffin also has a basic understanding of periods and that when mommy isn't pregnant, she bleeds once a month to prepare her body for another baby.

This conversation came about because of my basic approach to this subject.

He asks. I answer.

I would much, much rather take 2-3 minute questions as they come and when he's ready to listen, then have to sit down and start from the beginning. 

The only time I've hesitated is when Griffin asked, "How did you and Daddy get three babies?" I think I understood what he was asking. He was asking, "How did you make the babies?" but he doesn't quite have the vocabulary to express that yet. Until he does, I'm not risking that he's not actually asking what I think he's asking or volunteering information for which he's not ready.

Instead, I asked him if he wanted to know how we decided we wanted three babies instead of four or five. He nodded and we talked about how every family is different and decides for themselves how big they should be.

However, if the next time his question is clear, my answer will be also.

I don't believe sex is shameful or embarrassing and conversations about it shouldn't be either - even with your own children. 

How do you approach the subject of sex with your kids?

20 Wonderful (and surprising!) Parenting Tips

I recently ran across this great roundup of parenting tips on A Cup of Jo. I loved the hacks and advice on everything from discipline to meal time and I thought, "WAIT! I have the most amazing mommy friends who probably have great tips, too!"

I was right. 

I asked for tips on Facebook and got the most wonderful and thoughtful responses I've listed below, including some of my own favorite parenting tips.

From me:

I check out audio books from the library and load them on old iPhones and iPods. I use them ALL the time to foster independent play, during long car rides, and even at night when one of the boys has taken a long nap and isn't exactly tired. They just lay there and listen until they fall asleep. 

Frozen banana + oatmeal = cooled AND naturally sweetened breakfast!

If I'm sending my children to any type of group babysitting scenario, I call it a KID PARTY! It's all in the marketing after all!

As soon as Griffin was tall enough to reach the water dispenser, I put plastic cups where he could reach them. When he says, "I'm thirsty!" I respond, "Great! Get it yourself!"

I keep a little cosmetic bag in my purse. It has a tiny container of Play-Doh, silly putty, a Slinky, and whatever random cheap toys we've collected recently. When we get to a restaurant or other place that involves waiting patiently, I pull it out to keep the kids entertained. It's better than always using an iPhone (which they never want to give up) and I really enjoy the few moments of peace and quiet. 

From all my super-smart mommy friends:

I have a rubbermaid container full of fun travel games that we use only for long car trips. This keeps my kids from solely relying on screen entertainment. We have Melissa and Doug bingo, hangman, and license plate games...activity pads, blank paper, colored pencils (crayons melt and markers get everywhere and dry out), stickers, etc. The kids only see these items a few times a year, so they always look forward to playing with everything.

- Becky, mother of 3

The best advice I received was, "a lot of people will give you advice, listen, take it in and use what works for you." You get really good at smiling and nodding

- Ashley, mother of 2

Explain decisions so your child's can learn how situations/issues are handled.

- Amy, mother of 1

My husband taught me early on to tell our son what I want him to do rather than what I don't (or, in addition to what I don't). He also taught me the importance of teaching RJ what to say in response to instructions I give him. I've probably said the phrase, "please tell me, OK mom" about a hundred billion times in the past 3 years. Oh, and "quiet hands/quiet feet/quiet mouth" for time out (instead of some predetermined amount of time)....the kid then controls when they get out of time out and causes much less arguing about "stand still! face the wall! stop crying!" Once they're quiet and still, they can get out. Teaches self-control and discipline.

- Jessica, mother of 1

Learn to say 'no consciously ....instead of breaking under whining negotiation. It can develop trust/honest communication that will last your relationship for life...and help them in other relationships.

- Nicole, mother of 2

Since John was 2 I've been using my own negotiating method called "make a deal." I tell him something like "bed in 10 minutes." He says "no." I say "bed in 5 minutes now, you'd better make a suggestion or make a deal or it's going to be even sooner." John learned quickly to propose an alternative and to support it. He doesn't whine and his "deals" are very creative.

We have had issues with John sleeping in his room alone. Something scares him and he suddenly won't sleep alone. Both times this happened we put the dog in there to protect him. It works like a charm.

- Emily, mother of 2

Give the kids "jobs" and responsibilities starting from a very early age. My kids are much more motivated to do things if they know it is their "job." For example, my kids are responsible for feeding the dog dinner every night. We talk about how they feel when they are hungry and how the dog must feel when she is hungry and what it would be like if no one gave them dinner, etc.

One more to add -- the Teach Me Time clock is the best thing I have ever spent money on for my kids. I don't care what the hec they are doing in their rooms, but if their clock is still yellow, then they stay in their rooms (except for going to the bathroom) until the clock changes to green. BEST INVENTION EVER. of water outside their doors so they can watch cartoons and we don't have to be up crazy early with them.  Ok - last tip -- Amazon Prime is worth every single penny. I wish it existed when Sam was a baby. I streamline EVERYTHING in my life. Going to a store with 3 kids = miserable. Amazon = wonderful!!

- Rebecca, mother of 3

One of my favorite time savers I have come up with is putting shoes and socks by the door. We always kept shoes by the door (seems obvious, right), but when it was time to go, kids all had to go back to their rooms to get socks - my kids love to go barefooted, no matter the season. With 7 kids, anything I can do to speed the getting out the door process is huge because if one slows down, they all slow down and we just keep getting exponentially later. I was able to score an old set of lockers from the break room at my mom's workplace. They were just going to throw them out so I got them for free. Bonus! I spray painted them a cute color and put them in our mud room right by the door. Every kid has a sock locker and a shoe locker. I also have a hook on the wall in this room for each person's backpack and coat. It has helped us tons.

- Shana, mother of 7

We have a ton of cold weather accessories. this is in our coat closet and works so well because the girls can just stuff it in a holder and can go get their own mittens/hats/scarves for school.

- Sara, mother of 2

I have entirely too many ideas, but I'll share the one thing that has served me well for every child, and through every age and stage. When your child is 4 or 5 (because that's about the age they can process what this means), decide on something physical they can carry to you when they want to tell you something they are a little nervous or scared to tell you. When they're little, it will probably be about something they broke or a naughty thing they did, etc. When my kids were little, it was a small yellow chair from a table set they had. They would sit on the yellow chair, and that was my cue to stop and carefully listen to them. My promise was that I would not freak out, but that there would still be appropriate consequences. Over the years, they stopped bringing the yellow chair, but it was more of a demeanor and a serious, "Mom, can we talk?" For the kids, it gave them the freedom to get things off their chest with the guarantee that I would listen, and not fly off the handle. For me, it was a reminder that I need to STOP (hard for a mom of many to do) and honor their courage in coming to me. It has continued to work through the teenage years, and several important confessions and cries for help. Because, in my heart, I truly believe children (even teenagers!) WANT their parents' help, and don't want to be burdened down by guilt, or fearful of their parents' response.

ps: maybe it's not a physical thing they bring, maybe instead it's a physical place. Like "Mom, can we go for a drive?" or "Mom, can we talk in your room?" Just establish a key item or place or phrase that creates a safe place to communicate.

- Stacey, mother of 5

The two things that have been my biggest sanity savers both involve "rest." First, a consistent bed time. It's gotten a little later as they've aged, but it's still early enough to give my husband and me an hour alone and ensure that our kids are rested for the next day. Second, a consistent "rest time" in the early afternoon. Once our kids give up naps, "rest time" involves listening to an audio CD for 45 min or so in separate rooms. It's good for our introverted family members to recharge during the time alone, and it's good for our extroverted family members to learn to play by themselves. (I'll add that "rest time" for the older kids involves some quiet building toys while listening to the books on CD. Legos are a favorite right now.)

- Michelle, mother of 3

What tips and tricks do you have?

Birth Plans and Feeling Guilty

I went to a baby shower recently. As often happens when women gather, the conversation turned to babies and birth. I was seated next to a lovely woman I had been acquainted with growing up, who had recently moved home to raise a family.  We were sharing our very similar stories, when I told her that I had given birth at home and had a wonderful experience.  

“I’m so jealous,” she said as she told me she had wanted a natural birth but ended up with a c-section. I could hear the disappointment and sadness in her voice. 

“But I know all that matters is my baby was healthy in the end." She gave me a small smile. 

I stopped her. 

“Actually, I don’t think that is all that matters. You are clearly still very upset and sad over what happened and I think that is a completely valid way to feel,” I told her. Her eyes filled with tears. 

“Thank you so much for saying that,” she whispered. 

Well-meaning family and friends had told her to focus on her healthy baby. They hoped to help her “get over” her birth experience. However, she confessed it never really made her feel any better...only guilty for feeling disappointed at all. 

We all enter motherhood with high expectations. Whether you’ve dreamt of motherhood since cradling that first baby doll or stumbled into it by surprise, we all are filled with visions of what we will look like as mothers. 

I saw myself as the mother of girls. I saw myself breastfeeding well into my child’s first year. I saw myself never spanking. 

Inevitably, those visions and expectations get adjusted...if not outright destroyed. Some have a harder road than others. Some of us face real tragedy and life-altering situations. However, this is not a zero sum game. One tragedy doesn’t soak up all the sadness for lesser disappointments. To quote Dr. Phil (which I assure you I RARELY DO), “If you are sitting in a hospital bed with a broken leg and the person next to you is in a coma, that does not make your leg not broken.”

So, if you are out there right now feeling sadness over a broken dream, please hear me. Do not let someone tell you what you are feeling is not valid. Motherhood is a journey filled with missteps and stumbles and it is hard enough without feeling guilty over every fall. Feel sad. Feel disappointed. 

But please don’t feel guilty. 

What disappointments have you had to overcome as a parent?

Why I'm Afraid to KEEP Having Babies

I love being a mother. I've been mothering since I was a small girl. I was always much older than my cousins so I grew up around babies. My twin half-brothers were born when I was ten years old. I remember coming home from summers in California with our father - summers spent caring for these tiny twin babies - and literally praying to God someone would leave a baby on my front porch. 

I was positively phobic about being infertile. While I did postpone children long enough to go to law school, I remember the constant temptation to have a child. As I struggled with career choices and job searches, there was a huge part of me that wanted to bypass it all and start having children. I KNEW there would be none of the uncertainty and self-doubt when when it came time to be a mother. 

I knew the job of mothering would be fulfilling. I knew I would be good at it. 

And I was right. It is fulfilling. I am (for the most part) good at it. So, I understand where Chaunie Brusie is coming from in her post I'm Afraid to Stop Having Babies.

“Which is precisely why I am now terrified to ever move past the baby stage in my life.

There’s no pressing physical reason that I have to stop having babies, but I know very well that my husband and I are at a crossroads of sorts. We have lived in the trenches of parenting very young kids for the past six years and while it’s been so amazing in ways hard to explain, it’s also been stifling in many ways. Our marriage has been tested and I can feel my husband struggling to come up for air, wanting — and needing — to spread his wings in pursuing his dream job.”

— Chaunie Brusie

Chaunie goes on to explain - despite all this she's still terrified to leave the baby stage behind. She hates thinking that this baby is her last baby. 

“Because the honest truth is I’m afraid of what comes next...

As moms, we hear the plea from parents who have lived through the baby stages to enjoy it, soak it all in, count every last minute as the blessing that it is. Every time I close my eyes I see my husband’s grandma’s face, telling me with eyes full of sweet sadness, that right now, this time of babies nestled in my arms, days spent around naptimes and stories and coloring and play time, safe in our cocoon at home, is the best time of our lives.

And I fully believe that with all of my heart.

But the problem is, if this is the best time of my life …

How do I ever leave it behind?”

— Chaunie Brusie

I've had this EXACT thought so many times. Every time a sweet older relative or perfect stranger tells me to "soak it up" I can feel my chest tighten.

"I AM!" I want to exclaim in a panic. "But they keep growing up on me and I can't seem to slow it down no matter how much cherishing and soaking and enjoying I do!" 

It feels like trying to grasp sand. The tighter I clench my fist the faster it all runs through my finger. After all, no one wants to lose their job - especially one they're good at and truly enjoy. 

However, the bittersweet reality is that mothering is a temporary gig.

Now, don't misunderstand me. BEING a mother is forever. I think there's a reason there is no English word for a parent who loses a child, because you never STOP being their parent. I will be a mother until the day I die - no matter what.

However, the actual job of mothering is not forever - even Michelle Duggar will eventually have an empty nest. The intense poignancy of this thing - this MOTHERING - is precisely how fragile and fleeting it is. Every day they grow. Every day is one day closer to the day they leave you.

And THAT'S THE POINT.

We want our children to grow and become happy, healthy, independent adults - no matter how much it breaks our heart in the process. We all know parents whose children don't reach independent adulthood for a million different reasons and I know each of us who walks an easier path are grateful. Still, there is a type of sadness linked to that gratitude. I am always reminded of my favorite parenting quote from J.K. Rowling's A Casual Vacancy:

“How awful it was, thought Tessa, remembering Fats the toddler, the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement.”

In the midst of grieving, I try to remind myself that, even though mothering is a very special job, I believe there is real and true fulfillment found outside parenting. Oprah seems to be doing just fine. I don't think anyone would argue Gloria Steinem hasn't lived a fulfilling life. I think of my role models - women like Sandra Day O'Connor and Nancy Pelosi. These women were amazing mothers. They raised amazing children. Then, they went out after their children were grown and CHANGED THE DAMN WORLD.

I want to do that. I want a second act and my ability to do that is limited every time I have another baby. Every baby means less time, less energy, less money to pursue goals that are important to me.

And, as seriously as I take mothering and as much of myself that I pour into the raising of my children, I want more from my life then being their mother. I want my legacy to reach beyond what my children accomplished. I want to accomplish things in my own right. I want to leave my OWN mark. 

And that's why even though I'm scared to stop having babies... I'm even more scared to keep going. 

When did you realize you were done having kids?