Talking to your children about death

Recently, I was listening to a phenomenal story on This American Life about The Sharing Place, an organization in Salt Lake City that provides grief support for children. The story focused on the difficult task of discussing death with children. 

I will never forget the first time I discussed death with one of my children. I’ve written here about how a friend’s struggle with cancer and the horrific car accident of another friend have affected me. What I wasn’t expecting is how it would affect Griffin. 

The day we learned Amelia might not wake up Griffin was in a house full of kids playing all manner of good guy v. bad buy games. At one point, he screamed above the fray to the young daughter of a friend of mine, “I’m going to kill you!”

I lost it.

I screamed for so long and so loudly I silenced a house full of five adults and eleven children. When I was finished, everyone – including Griffin – was looking only at me. 

“DON’T YOU EVER EVER EVER SAY THAT!!!”

He didn’t look scared. He looked more shocked. After I’d had a moment to realize my preschooler wasn’t mocking the overwhelming sorrow I felt at that moment, I took him aside and tried to explain what it meant to kill someone and what it meant for someone to never ever come back.

I could tell he didn’t understand me.

Then, a few weeks later, it came up again. We were sitting quietly at the breakfast table when he started talking about death. He explained he was never going to die. 

I took a deep breath.

“No, sweetie, that’s not true. Everyone dies. You will die. Amos will die. I will die. Daddy will die. Hopefully, this will not happen for a very long time but everyone dies eventually,” I told him.

My voice filled with emotion and my eyes filled with tears as I watched my firstborn’s face crumple with sadness. 

“But that makes me so sad,” he started to cry.

I held him close and told him I knew it made him sad. I told him that it made me sad, too. So very, very sad. I didn’t use the promise of heaven to make it better. Not because I don’t believe in heaven, as I’ve stated before I’m not quite sure what I believe. 

However, at that moment, I felt like I was telling my child something very difficult. Sometimes things are hard and you just have to be in the moment and feel the heaviness of that – without excuse or attempts at solutions. 

It took me a long time to understand that.

I’m not foolish enough to believe that I taught the entirety of that lesson to my son in one small conversation at three-and-a-half years old. However, I have always felt strongly that my job as a parent is not to protect my son from the hard things in life but to help him deal with those things when they come.

In other words, that conversation was hard but I hope it’s the first of many. 

Have you talked to your children about death? How did you tackle it?

5 Lessons About Motherhood I Learned From 'Steel Magnolias'

Today I'm on The Mid sharing the mothering lessons I've learned from my favorite movie of all time - Steel Magnolias.

Twenty-five years ago, Steel Magnolias hit the big screen, and the women of Chinquapin Parish took up permanent residence in many of our hearts. Like every other woman of a certain age, I've seen Steel Magnolias so many times I can quote it by memory. The movie centers on the relationship between M'Lynn Eatenton (Sally Field) and her daughter Shelby (Julia Roberts), and has taught me and a generation of women some of the most important lessons about motherhood.

1. You can't control your children.

M'Lynn wants her control over daughter, Shelby, to be as firm as the "brown football helmet" she calls her hairdo. However, she learns—as we all must—that our children make their own choices and travel their own road no matter how much we wish they would just do what we say. We are all much better off taking the Truvy (Dolly Parton) approach and finding something—anything—nice to say about our children's choices. "Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly."

2. Sometimes mothering is a team sport.

M'Lynn is Shelby's momma, but Truvy, Ouiser (Shirley MacLaine), Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) and Annelle (Daryl Hannah) drop everything to celebrate and support her through all of life's ups and downs. They not only support Shelby as she gets married, has a baby and ultimately falls ill, they support M'Lynn as well. These women understand that motherhood is hard and you need all the help you can get—even if that means signing up to get slapped!

3. You can sacrifice everything, and it will not be enough.

After Shelby risks her health to give birth to her son Jackson, M’Lynn donates a kidney in order to save her daughter. To give of your own body is the ultimate illustration of how far we all are willing to go to help our children. We would do anything, and the heartbreaking ending of Steel Magnolias showed us that, tragically, sometimes that isn’t enough.

4. A sense of humor is required.

Sometimes your kids ignore your advice and bathe the church sanctuary in “blush and bashful.” Sometimes your husband fills your Frigidaire with beer, or your dog loses all his hair. What the women of Steel Magnolias taught me was that no matter what comes your way, laughter can get you through it. Watching the full range of emotions exhibited in the movie’s famous funeral scene is a powerful reminder that, as Truvy says, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!”

5. Life goes on.

It is not an accident that Steel Magnolias begins with a wedding and ends with a birth—both scenes set in the bursting color of a Southern spring. When she tells her mother she’s pregnant, Shelby states simply, “Sure there may be risk involved, but that’s true for anybody. But you get through it, and life goes on.” M’Lynn is repeating that phrase at Shelby’s funeral when Annelle announces she intends to name her baby after Shelby. The worst can happen to us as mothers, but life goes on. We might look pretty, but we have to be made of steel.

Baby products I'm trying out for the first time

On a stroll in our Britax B-Agile 3.

Recently, I stopped by News-3 This Morning to talk about baby products I'm STILL using five years later AND baby products I decided to upgrade or try out for the first time with Baby Felix. I like to think that after three kids I'm savvier consumer and can spot the products that will really make a difference in my life - as opposed to the ones with empty promises. 

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Britax B-Agile 3

After five years, I decided it was time for a stroller upgrade. I loved my previous stroller, but I knew that there had been a ton of improvements in stroller engineering that I wanted to try out.

I started by checking out the newest edition of Baby Bargains (the baby products BIBLE) which had high praise for the Britax B-Agile 3. I also talked to several friends who loved their Britax B-Agile 3. If you want something lighter, check out these Umbrella Strollers.

The biggest selling point for me was the one-hand quick fold. My old stroller came in two pieces and was a pain to get in and out of the car. This baby collapses in second EVEN with the car seat adaptor still attached. It's lightweight, has a reclining seat, and a huge canopy. I've been using it daily since Felix was born and I'm so happy with it.

Britax is giving one lucky reader a B-SAFE 35 car seat!

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The next thing I knew I wanted to upgrade was our diaper pail. I absolutely hated the pail we had before. It was stinky and hard to use. And yet I didn't want to give up on the idea of a diaper pail altogether.

I had been intrigued by the Ubbi diaper pail since it came on the market a few years ago. The idea of steel pail that wouldn't soak up the smells like plastic made since to me and I like the fact that you can use your own bags. I also discovered Ubbi made cloth diaper liners, which was a revelation after using a regular trash can for my cloth diapers in the past. In fact, I've been using the Ubbi primarily for cloth diapers and think it's a great fit for that purpose.

My closest friend recommended I also try out the Dekor Plus. This baby holds a TON of dipaers and has a hands free design which is incredibly "handy" in the messiest of situations. It also can be used with regular trash bags, as well as having a cloth diaper liner. However, because the Dekor Plus holds so much and contains the smell so well I've found it works really well for disposable diapers.

UBBI World is giving away one UBBI pail to a lucky reader!

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Boob® Nursing Wear

I had ONE nursing dress with Griffin and Amos and I about wore that piece out. It was the only one I could find at the time and I was desperately hoping there would be more options this time around.

Boob® to the rescue!

This company has been around for a while but has greatly expanded their offerings in recent years. They have cute stylish options in all styles for all seasons. The best part is that many of the items you can wear while pregnant as well. The B.Warmer Dress became one of my staples during the colder months and now that it's turned warmer I'm wearing the heck out of the Simone. 

I know for a FACT I have nursed in these dresses and people around me had no idea what I was doing. They offer great access without feeling like you are either showing your breast or your stomach. In fact, when I'm wearing one of their designs, I don't even bother with a nursing cover!

What new baby products do you want to try?

What to do when your child fails

I became a mother six years ago and I'll always remember one of the first truths my own mother told me about raising a child.

The second you figure your child and a particular phase out - the second you think "I got this!" - they change. 

I should have known kindergarten was going a little too smoothly. Despite my own misgivings about the beginning of elementary school, Griffin handled it well. We quickly established a morning routine that worked well for our family. Except for the occasional hunt for a rogue shoe, we have breakfast without too much yelling or prompting. There were never any tears or separation anxiety at drop off. We tackled homework easily and only had one day where Griffin went beyond "yellow" or a single warning for bad behavior. Most days he was on "green" for good behavior and seemed to sincerely enjoy going to school. 

In full disclosure, Griffin's kindergarten teacher is one of the best. She is warm, fun, and stays cool and calm at every turn. She also happens to be one of my dearest friends so we were more than a little bit spoiled on that front.

Between the great teacher and drama-free days, I had JUST started to pat myself on the back for a successful year. 

That was stupid. 

In my smugness, I had forgotten that about 40% of the drama-inducing events in elementary school are packed into the final few weeks of kindergarten. This month alone we have had a field trip to Land Between the Lakes, spring sports day, and the talent show.

The field trip was organizationally stressful but went great. Spring Sports Day was a bigger ask because my eldest child isn't exactly athletic. He basically woke up crying and I had to get my ribbons from my own elementary school days to show him that happiness could come in life without being good at potato sack races.

I actually wore one of my participation ribbons that day, which kept him smiling and giggling when he only got one ribbon himself. 

Then came the talent show.

At first, Griffin was a firm no. He did not want to participate. He did not want to sing. 

Fine. No skin off my back. 

Then, the form came back and "storytelling" was mentioned as a talent. Now, my son is not athletic and he is not a musician but my son IS a storyteller. Since he was old enough to say the word story, he has either been asking for stories or telling them himself. I mentioned that he could tell a Harry Potter story as his talent.

He was psyched.

I thought we would need to spend some time formulating the story but one day on the way home from school he basically told the entire story in one try.

"Every wizard has a wand. Every want has a story..."

I swelled with pride. I couldn't believe it. I suggested he add a small part explaining phoenixes but that was it. Over the next week or so, I would make him practice in front of different groups of adults and he always did great.

We even asked our library storyteller (and local legend) Ms. Retta for advice. She told him not to worry too much about everyone in the audience because he was giving them a gift. He was giving them a story.

I cried.

At Griffin's school, the talent show has several rounds. You perform in music class to advance to the semi-finals. Then, you perform for all the specials teachers and your own grade to advance to the finals. I asked my mommy advisors who reported that almost all kindergarteners make it through, as long as they are prepared.

Well, we were prepared!

Griffin made it through to the semifinals and we came to watch. Erma Bombeck once famously said that having children is making the decision to let your heart walk around outside your body and I have never felt the truth of that statement more profoundly than when I watched my son tell his story on stage.

He was nervous and made a few missteps but every time took a deep breath and continued on. He was wonderful. His classmates cheered. I cried (again). His face beamed with pride.

Honestly, I never even considered that he wouldn't make it through.

To my mind, he was a kindergartener who wrote an original story and then recited it on stage. His talent was unique and difficult for his age. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't be rewarded. Plus, there were only a handful of kindergartners and I assumed they would all go on to the finals.

Well, I was wrong. I found out later that evening - despite his assurances that he had made it through - that was he not selected for the finals.

I was absolutely heartbroken. I cried (noticing a theme here) and went more than a little momma bear. Why did we need to reject kindergarteners!?!? Wasn't there enough losing at Spring Sports Day? We had to tack on some more! 

I even emailed the teacher in charge of the talent show and seriously considered emailing the principal.

I'm not exactly proud of these instincts. In that moment, I felt like I had failed my child by encouraging him to sign up for an experience for which I don't think he was (or needs to be) emotionally prepared. It's easy to say kids need to learn to lose and learn to deal with rejection but DANG! when it's your six-year-old in tears NEXT year seems like a fine time to sign up for that lesson.

We told him and he cried and I cried (yes, again). The universal advice was to stay calm and not get upset in front of him. However, my gut told me to be honest with my child because that's all I really can be. So, I told him I was just as upset as he was and that I thought the teachers made a really bad decision. I told him that the talent show seemed to be more about music and that maybe they didn't really appreciate storytelling. 

My favorite moment was when Nicholas looked at our son and joined me in throwing the parenting rulebook out the window.

"I'm not going to tell you you can do a better job next year because I think you did a great job this year." 

Griffin immediately calmed down. Instead of trying to talk him out of being upset, we sat with him and told him we were upset, too. We didn't try to fix it and I honestly think that helped more than anything else. We talked about how J.K. Rowling was rejected 12 times before a publisher accepted Harry Potter. We talked about that creating art is the most important thing you can do and that you can't let people stand in your way.

We talked about how he had given the gift of his story and that's what mattered.

He is fine. His best friend at school (who made it to the finals to which Griffin responded, "I'm glad he made it. He's the best kindergarten singer.") reported that Griffin was handling his rejecting like "a champ."

In other words, he's handling the next stage of childhood just fine. He learned that unfair things happen. He learned that moms and dads get upset. He learned that you can face rejection and come through the other side.

I wish the same could be said for me. 

I put my heart up on that stage and it took a serious beating. Recently, I told a friend that I think my strong personality gives the impression that I'm tough and, in certain situations, I suppose I am. However, I have an incredibly thin skin when it comes to rejection and - I've learned - basically no skin at all when it comes to my KIDS and rejection.

Tackling your kid's next phase when it only involves sleep regression or teething is a cinch. Tackling the next phase when it involves facing your own personal insecurities and emotional minefields is another thing altogether.

I had always assumed that it would be me shepherding my kids through each new and exciting phase of growing up. Turns out Griffin gave me more than the gift of a story up on that stage.

He taught me that sometimes my heart will be limping behind while he shows me the way.

Top 5 Pregnancy Must Haves

From podcasts to bras, these pregnancy products will help make your pregnancy easier and even fun.

We've spent a lot of time recently talking about baby products (the good and the bad) but I have a TON of pregnant friends right now so I thought I'd take a step back and talk about the products that helped me survive pregnancy.

1.  Leachco Back 'N Belly - Contoured Body Pillow  I could write this entire post about my pregnancy pillow - "Ode to a Pregnancy Pillow" by Sarah Stewart Holland. I LOVE this pillow. I'm convinced it is the reason I avoid 90% of the back and hip pain that plague my pregnant friends. I also think it's the reason I wake up only once a night (to pee, of course) until the baby's arrival. You might be tempted to get a body pillow that only supports one side of your body. DON'T. You want the full wrap around style. Your husband might regret it but you never will.

2. Pregtastic Podcasts  Pregnancy can sometimes be a lonely endeavor, especially if you don't have any close friends who are also pregnant. All you think about or want to talk about is being pregnant, which usually can't be said about your husband, childless friends, or coworkers. That is why I love Pregtastic. Every podcast features pregnant panelists who ask the questions you are wondering about and share the worries and anxieties all pregnant women face. They also all come back after their babies are born to share their birth stories.

Sadly the show stopped being produced in 2012 but that doesn't mean it's still not an excellent resource for all pregnancy, birth, and baby information. If you find yourself totally overwhelmed by the stack of baby books on your bedside table, this is an excellent (and less stressful) way to take in all that information. I still think their breastfeeding series is one of the most helpful resources out there for the new breastfeeding mom.

3. Baby Bargains  Oh, the dreaded baby registry. It seems like something that should be fun (picking out free stuff!). It's not. It's high pressure and overwhelming. Don't believe me? A simple search for "stroller" on Amazon turns up 8,550 results. How the hell is a hormonal pregnant woman supposed to decide? Because as much as you want to tell yourself it's just a stroller, in your weaker moments choosing between Chicco and Combi feels like choosing between Harvard and Yale. Your child's future is at stake here!

Well, Baby Bargains to the rescue! Most baby books offer generic (and less than helpful) advice like "Pick a stroller that fits your lifestyle." Gee, thanks. Baby Bargains provides actual reviews and ratings of the actual products. I haven't recommended this book to a single pregnant woman who didn't end up with a tabbed, dog-eared copy she described as her "Bible."

4. Sara Holliday: Prenatal Yoga Series   We all know how good prenatal yoga is for you. However, not everyone has access to good prenatal yoga classes or the motivation to add one more thing to her schedule. I also never liked how most prenatal yoga classes mixed women from all trimesters in the same class. My favorite thing about this DVD is each trimester has its own workout. They range in length from 35-45 minutes and are more than doable a couple times a week. I notice such a difference when I skip a week. When I practiced regularly, my body feels less sore and stiff and I feel more relaxed and less anxious overall.

5. Majamas Organic Easy Bra  There comes a point in most pregnancies where an underwire bra is simply no longer an option. I loved this bra because it is comfortable and super-soft. The best part is you can use it as a nursing bra after the baby arrives.

This post contains affiliate links.

What were your pregnancy essentials?

Top 5 Most Disappointing Baby Products

Since I recently shared the baby products I'm STILL using after three kids, I thought I'd flip the script and share the products that I quickly abandoned.  Trust me. No matter how inventive and useful they seem in the store—take my advice and skip these products.

1. Snuggle Nest

Oh, Snuggle Nest I had such high hopes for you. In fact, my entire strategy for the first few nights of Griffin's life revolved around this product. We would just swaddle him up, plunk him between us in the Snuggle Nest, and enjoy hours of uninterrupted sleep. Clearly this would work—look how happy the people in the picture are!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry. Needless to say, Griffin wasn't that interested in the Snuggle Nest and slept much better snuggled up next to me. Even if he had loved the thing, Nicholas and I were both miserable because you really need a California King in order to have room for two adults to sleep comfortably AND fit the Snuggle Nest. (Please notice the happy photo parents aren't actually sleeping.)

Now, in this product's defense, we ended up using it when he was a few months older and sleeping in his own crib. When he was still swaddled and wouldn't move that much, we'd put him to sleep in the Snuggle Nest whenever he was congested and the incline helped him sleep a great deal better.

2. Squirt Baby Food Dispensing Spoon

This little product seemed like the smartest idea I'd ever seen when I first encountered it. You put the food in the spoon! Baby doesn't grab at the jars! Less cleanup! Except, there isn't really less cleanup. You still have to get the food in the jar. The spoon doesn't quite hold a full jar and I could never talk myself into pre-loading the spoon so I'd have it ready. Not to mention, I made a lot of Griffin's baby food from scratch and it was always a little too chunky for the tiny hole in the spoon. At the end of the day, a bowl and spoon worked just fine.

3. Boppy

People are pretty passionate about the Boppy, especially breastfeeding moms. So, I was excited to add this highly touted essential to my nursery. Only one problem. I NEVER used it. I used the My Brest Friend pillow for breastfeeding (my love for his product is a post in and of itself) and the Boppy basically never saw the light of day. I know some people use it to prop their baby up but I'm not sure that's really worth the $40 price tag.

4. Adiri BPA Free Natural Nurser

A bottle shaped like a boob! Genius! These bottles came out a few months before Griffin was born and I couldn't wait to get my hands on one. I ended up getting one free from a friend who said her son hated it. I figured that was just a fluke. They had to work!

Sadly, not so much. I found the bottle leaky, difficult to clean, and Griffin was not a fan—and this was not a picky baby when it came to food. He did much better with the plain old Medela bottles. Go figure.

5. Newborn Gowns

I remember one registry recommendation list suggesting you have at least seven of these gowns on hand when the baby came home. They were supposed to be easy to use—no waistband to irritate the umbilical cord or deal with in the middle of the night when changing diapers. It all seems so logical, except by the time Griffin fit in the gowns (I could never find smaller than 0-3 months) his umbilical cord was long gone and he kicked so much the gowns always ended up bunched around his waist.

Are there any baby products you found disappointing? Was one of my disappointments one of your favorites?

Baby products I'm still using after 3 kids

Recently, I stopped by News 3 This Morning to talk about baby product I'm still using five years after the birth of my first son. These are the products I've carefully packed away and pulled out to use with Amos and again with Felix because they are JUST. THAT. GOOD.

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Amos swaddled in his brother's Aden + Anais swaddle blanket. 

Aden + Anais Muslin Swaddle Blanket

These swaddle blankets were new to the market way back in 2009 when I had my first son. He was a summer baby so I thought they seemed like a great option for the warm weather. 

I used them ALL. THE. TIME.

Then, I used them with Amos. Now, I'm using them with Felix and they still look brand new. They don't seem to stain. They don't even wear. They've just gotten softer and more wonderful.

Now, since then Aden + Anais has greatly expanded their product line and I was psyched to try the burpy bibs®, which is a burp cloth that then snaps around the neck for a bib! I'm also really loving Aden + Anais snap bibs. 

Aden + Anais is giving away a 4 pack of their classic swaddle blankets to one lucky reader!

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Snug & Tug Swaddle Blanket

I use Aden + Anais blankets all day and then Snug & Tug blankets all night. My boys are big and there are VERY few swaddle blankets from which they can't escape. I bought the Snug & Tug on a lark when Griffin was a baby and used it every. single. night after he was born.

I'm not saying they never ever sneak a little hand up and out the top but it's very rare. 

If you're a swaddler, I can't recommend the Snug & Tug highly enough. 

Go Mama Go Designs is giving away a Snug & Tug swaddle blanket to one lucky reader!

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Trumpette Socks

I realize novelty socks are a funny thing for a mother of three to be endorsing but hear me out. Trumpette socks are adorable and come in a wide variety of styles but they are carefully packed up and handed down to each of my babies for one reason.

THEY STAY ON.

Babies kick and squirm and Trumpette socks are the only socks I've found that stay on those little feet through all that movement. 

I absolutely love them.

Trumpette is giving away one pair of My Little Cupcake socks and a set of Ballerina socks! 

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Baby Felix sleeping peacefully in his swing.

Duet Soothe Swing + Rocker in Cascade

Look, I BELIEVE in holding a baby as much as you can. However, I also believe in occasionally taking a shower and meeting the most basic needs of my other two children. A great baby swing makes that possible. 

I'm a HUGE user of the baby swing. In fact, I've already burned one up. However, I was happy to replace it with the Duet Soothe Swing + Rocker in Cascade from Graco. Graco is the undisputed leader in baby swings and for a good reason.

This swing has all manner of fantastic options but - after 3 babies - only one matters to me. It PLUGS IN. The first swing I had ran on batteries and I was constantly replacing batteries in the most acrobatic of positions to prevent the baby from waking up once the swing stopped.

I LOVE THIS THING.

Graco is giving a Duet Soothe Swing + Rocker in Cascade to one lucky reader!

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A few items I didn't have time to talk about but that I also LOVE: the Puj bath tub which is perfect for tiny, slippery infants, My Breast Friend for those of you planning to nurse, and the Moby Wrap which is the best option for baby-wearing early on. 

What are you must have products?

The Wisdom of Louis C.K.

I love Louis C.K. He is considered one of the greatest comedians of his generation but I think he is so much more. Great comedy comes from wisdom and intelligence and - most of all perhaps - vulnerability. Louis C.K. possesses all these things and while his standup is hilarious, I found his recent interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air more than just funny. I found it smart and insightful. I HIGHLY recommend the whole interview but had to share some of what he had to say here. 

On aging:

“Well, it’s an interesting thing, you know. You - when you get older and you become less in the center of things, which I think is part of getting older, you know - there’s more energy and focus on younger people - you start to resent it at first. You start to feel like, you know, somebody’s taking something away from you. But then you realize that there’s a privilege in that, and that it means that we’re all developing. And it’s part of your responsibility as a human, I think - is to, you know, get old and die. Get out of the way...”

— Louis C.K.

On putting yourself second:

“I realized that a lot of things that my kid was taking away from me, she was freeing me of. A lot of things that men hang onto when they’re younger, they’re just not good for you. And that there was this huge pride in having a kid and also that I didn’t matter anymore. The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It’s a massive gift to be able to say that you’re not the most important person to yourself... Because you’re - because you’ll always - I don’t know - because that’s always going to let you down, you know what I mean? The idea of I’ve got to get me right. I’ve got to get what I want. I’ve got to get - that’s got to be right. That’s never going to quite work. You know, life just isn’t that satisfying. But if you can be useful to somebody else, that you can actually accomplish, you know what I mean? You can go, I did a pretty damn good job today as a dad - pretty good - best as I could. That’s worth so much more, you know?

I saw a movie once where Spencer Tracy catches this woman about to kill herself. It’s a pretty dark movie for the time, but - I forget the name of the movie. But Spencer Tracy’s on a boat, and he sees a rich, young girl about to throw herself off the boat ‘cause her fiance left her for another woman. And he’s trying to talk her out of suicide, and he says to her, do you have a job? Do you have anything that you do in your life? Which was a funny thing to ask ‘cause she’s like a 1920s - you know, she’s like a socialite. And she said, no. And he said, I think you should get a job because it’s very hard to be sad and useful at the same time. And ever since I saw that, I keep that in my head.

If you can be useful - which means to somebody else, not to yourself - if you can be useful, it just makes you feel better. So I live in service for my kids, you know? That’s the first priority. And things like my career, they feed into that. They’re part of that because I’m providing for them. But also, it’s just not that important. If something’s not important, it’s more fun. It’s more of something you can look at from objectively instead of having it be this albatross around you. I’ve got to get this right. If this isn’t perfect, my life is a nightmare.”

— Louis C.K.

On parenting:

“Not all kids get a great set of parents. Sometimes they get one who puts in about 50 percent and one puts in about 20. So they’ve got to make up that 30 for themselves or find it in other people - in friends and teachers, you know.

I remember when I was on “The Tonight Show” once with Jay Leno. Rickey Minor was the bandleader for Jay Leno. And he told me that he had a son who was going to start doing comedy, and I said, oh, great. And he said my son graduated law school, but before he goes to be a lawyer, he wants to try comedy, just as a perspective. And I said, it sounds like you raised a great kid. And I asked him, what was your father like? And he said, I never knew my dad. And I said, oh, you were raised by a single mom, like I was. He said, no, my mom was a drug addict and couldn’t raise me. I said, who raised you? And he said a bunch of people. He said, I would just look for mentors in life. He said that he never took having two good parents for granted. You’d think that’s the kind of thing that people have to take for granted, but he didn’t. He found mentors and coaches. He would find - ask people for advice. He built parents in the aggregate.

And I think all kids have to do that ‘cause nobody gets a complete set, you know? No parents are perfect, by the way. It’s not just that some parents are just awful, and these poor kids - it’s part of life. Your parents are going to do the best they can, you know, so I think that’s what I got. I had a very strong working mom. She was an incredible role model for me, but also, she had a job. She couldn’t pay full attention to me all the time. I have three sisters, too, so...”

— Louis C.K.

On being honest about your mistakes:

“That’s all you can really be for your kids is present. And I think, in the end, that’s the best thing you can do for your kids when they come to you with real problems, is try to understood how they feel, and try to give them a place to say how they feel so that they can sort it out. And give them what you can about your past, you know?

I think to tell them that the world is this place where you’re supposed to act perfectly and to represent that you did is a huge disservice to your kids, you know? So, yeah, my kids know that I did drugs. They know that I’ve struggled with that kind of thing. I think it’s important to share your mistakes with your kids and - because you get knowledge from your mistakes and wisdom from it. If you can’t pass that on, what good are you? To give your kids an impossible bar to reach that you didn’t reach and to say, oh, yeah, I never did any of that and neither should you, you’re just making it impossible. But if you can say, yeah, listen, I did it. It really screwed me up. I don’t recommend it. Tell me what’s going on in your life that’s leading you to get there.”

— Louis C.K.