Missing

This is the post that makes me feel like an asshole.

So, let me get this out of the way. I fully understand that what I’m about to say makes me sound like an asshole. I have people in my life – people I really really love – who want what I have and can’t have it. People who just want healthy, happy babies. People who want healthy bodies. People who want happy marriages.

I have those things. Yet, here I am feeling sad about what I don’t have.

I know people will call me an asshole, just know it’s nothing I haven’t called myself.

I want a little girl. I’ve always wanted a little girl. When I was growing up – when I dreamed of being a mother, I envisioned a house full of little girls. I thought a little boy would be fun, but it was almost an afterthought. I would be Marmee with a house full of Jos and Amys and Beths and Megs.

My first ultrasound confirmed what I knew to be true. I would have a daughter.

Well, we all know how that story ended. I wonder now if I would feel differently had I known from the beginning Griffin was a boy. If I wasn’t forced to grief the little girl I named and dressed and dreamed of over and over and over again.

But it doesn’t matter. That’s not what happened.

When I’m tired and stressed and overwhelmed, this is the pity party I throw for myself. I wonder about the baby I lost. I wonder if that baby was the daughter I’ll never have or proof that I only make boys.

But it doesn’t matter. We’re done having kids. It’s hard and expensive and I’m getting too damn old.

It’s over.

The little girl I dreamed of will never be and it breaks my heart.

I do not want to feel this way. I would literally give anything to be a woman who says, “I really never cared if I had girls or boys” and MEAN it. I feel petty and small and ungrateful.

I have to find a way to let it go. I’ve been thinking a lot about what is at the root of my sadness. I know logically it’s not about “missing out” because having a daughter is no guarantee of anything. She could be a tomboy. She could be transsexual. She could choose to remain unmarried or childless or hate all things feminine.

It’s about fear. I’m afraid that my boys will move away and not call. I’m afraid that I’ll reach old age and no one will care. I’m afraid they will marry and belong to another woman and will no longer have room for me in their lives.

Deep down I think that sharing a gender with a child means we will always SHARE something.

I’m afraid that I won’t always have a connection with my boys. I’m afraid being their mother won’t be enough.

What I’m realizing with some sleep (and several long walks on the beach) is that my fear of the future is making me miss opportunities in the present. I’m missing chances to connect with my sons RIGHT now because I’m so worried about losing them down the road.

That has to end.

I have to let go of this fear. I have to grief the daughter I thought I was going to have and let go of that sadness. I have to live the life I have and stop wondering about the one I don’t.

I have to learn about Minecraft and Star Wars and – God save me – even sports because I can’t depend on the shared the life experiences that pass between a mother and a daughter.  

Or maybe I don’t. When I stop seeing what’s missing, I can’t help but notice everything that is there. I was literally writing this post as my friend painted her little girl’s nails only to have Amos join us on the porch with a giant grin because he wanted his nails painted too.

So, I stopped. I painted his nails. I held his little hand and he smiled at me and I smiled at him and we connected.

And nothing was missing.

Nothing at all. 

Until tomorrow,

Sarah

Worth

I can remember the first time someone said it to me. I can remember where I was and what I was doing. I was a summer intern with a Congressman during law school. I had worked on a project until late in the evening and then brought in a freshly baked chocolate cake the next morning.

“You must have more hours in the day than the rest of us.”

I remember how it made me feel. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt special. It must be how some people feel when they do drugs for the first time.

I wanted to feel that way again. I might not always be the prettiest or the smartest but I could be the most capable. I call it hyper-capable and I define myself by my ability to do more, achieve more, be more.

There are worse things to be addicted to I suppose then your ability to squeeze the maximum amount of accomplishment out of every day. Most of the time, it serves me well. With three kids and a husband and a home and a blog and clients, I don’t really have much of the choice.

It works great…until it doesn’t.

During times of transition or exhaustion or illness, I am forced to slow down. As Bonnie Raitt says, “You can only go as fast as the slowest part of you can go.” The slowing down, the saying no, the resting does not come easy to me.

It doesn’t feel like the ebb and flow of life. It feels like failure.

As the mess stacks up around me, I feel so overwhelmed.  As my list of want-to’s and need-to’s and HAVE-to’s gets longer, I lose myself.

If I’m not the girl with more hours in the day, then who am I?

Deep down, my fear of slowing down – of doing less – is about more than my identity. It’s about my worth. I can feel myself striving. I can feel myself desperately trying to prove that I’m worth the time, the energy, the love.

A dear friend recently encouraged me to take the DISC personality assessment and I scored a NINETY-NINE on the I for Influential – aka People Oriented. Not surprisingly, what others think about me is VERY important.

Since acceptance and approval by others is the main desire of I Personality Types, Rejection is their biggest fear.

I strive and I do and I go. I say yes to meetings and “opportunities” and cries for help because the relationships I have with other people – even mere acquaintances – are so important to me.

Meanwhile the relationship with those I’m closest too – and my relationship with myself – suffers.

And 200 more hours in the day won’t fix that.

Sleep

Y'all, I am so so tired.

I don’t remember being anywhere near this exhausted with Griffin or Amos. I suppose I was, but maybe I don’t remember? Or maybe I wasn’t because I wasn’t chasing after two other kids? Or maybe I was just younger and had more energy?

I have no idea. All I know is sleep is important to me and I’m not getting enough.

When Felix was a newborn who just slept all day, I was feeling pretty good. However, once he transitioned to a more adult-like sleep cycle, the situation got real. One middle-of-the-night feeding became three. My sweet newborn became a cranky baby who wanted to hangout on my boob morning, noon, and night.

In a fit of desperation, we decided to sleep train Felix a few weeks ago – MONTHS earlier than we had trained our other two and with no bedtime preparation to speak of. We were ill-prepared and went cold turkey on the swing and swaddle leading to a disastrous couple of nights with everybody in tears.

Our lack of preparation and the wretched result left me in a full-on guilt spiral.

In the middle of the night, everything seems worse. In the middle of the night with a screaming infant, everything seems downright tragic. I just lay in bed and cry - feeling like a failure if I pick him up and reinforce bad sleep habits and failure if I don’t because I’m letting my baby cry.

And - for some inexplicable reason - I find myself crawling into bed either to go to sleep or to go BACK to sleep only to find sleep won't come. 

I'm suddenly wired and scrolling endlessly through Facebook where everyone else's happiness feels like a million micro-aggressions.  Or I lay there in the dark and the quiet on edge - my heart racing - waiting for the baby to start crying again or for my mind to just. shut. up.

Plus, I’m not exercising. I gave up yoga and running when I got pregnant and despite the occasional morning walk, I haven’t done anything with regularity.

I feel bad about my body but don’t have enough energy to do much but feel bad about my body.

Everyone says I have a five-month-old and sleep deprivation is part of the deal and I get all that. However, I think there’s more to it than that. I got pregnant one month after I lost our last baby. As a result, I’ve been in some type of extreme hormonal phase since November of 2013. Not to mention, I had two pregnancies and two years of breastfeeding in the four years before that.

Let’s do the math.

Over the past seven years, I’ve only spent 21 months NOT pregnant or breastfeeding.

I’m rafting a raging hormonal river and trying to do it with no sleep.

I’ve also been struggling with post-partum hypertension, which I didn’t even know was a thing until my blood pressure sky rocketed a week after Felix was born. Now, once a month, my blood pressure shoots up and I have a terrible headache for two days. 

What makes it even harder is I was basically in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant in 2013 so the difference between then and now is hard to ignore. When I look back at pictures of myself, I don’t feel forgiving or grateful. I only feel frustrated and impatient. I know how good I can feel and look, which puts the current terribleness in starker contrast.

I know all the things I should do, beginning with showing gratitude for the amazing journey my body has been on over the past seven years.

And maybe I could find some space for gratitude if I could just get a little rest…

Until tomorrow,

Sarah

Confession

I made a confession in my weekly email this morning. 

I have a confession to make. For those of you closest to me, you probably have seen the writing on the wall for quite some time. For the rest of you, maybe this will come as a shock.

I. Am. Struggling. 

In every single area of my life, I feel frustrated, stressed, and plain ole overwhelmed. I'm not the wife, mother, daughter, or friend I want to be. I'm overweight and exhausted. I'm emotional and cranky and downright mean most of the time. 

How I got to this place is complicated but how I'm going to get out is not. 

Writing has always been my lifeline and yet it is the first thing to suffer when I get overwhelmed. I don't know why I still hesitate to share my struggles with all of you when sharing has saved me so many times in the past. 

Writing is a solitary act that somehow makes me feel less alone and right now I feel very, very alone. 

Today we are leaving for the beach. At first, I thought I would close down shop but the last thing I need right now is more time alone with my thoughts.  

So, in accordance with Annie's brilliant parasite theory, I'm going to be sharing the scary every day I'm away. I'm going to be laying all the fear and sadness and anger that got me to this place out for all of you to see.  

Either you'll tell me I'm as crazy as I feel or you'll find my voices sound a little bit like your voices and we'll all feel lighter when it's over. 

But I can't stay here. I have to move forward so I'm going to write and publish everyday. There won't be any fancy Pinterest images or great tips or tricks. 

Just me and lots of honesty and maybe some pictures of the waves as I begin my long swim back to shore. 

Much love, 

Sarah  

Survive Summer with My Top Warm-Weather Gear

Summer is here and it's HOT! We all love long days full of summer fun, but all that fun can begin to take its toll after a while. Recently, I stopped by News-3 This Morning to share my favorite products that help make summer a little easier (and safer) for everyone in the family!

UV Skinz Swim & Sun Shirts

Amos in his UV Skinz.

Summer is synonymous with sunshine. However, the sun can ruin a day of fun with a sunburn, not to mention ruin much more over years of exposure. The founder of UV Skinz Rhonda Sparks learned that tragic lesson when she lost her 32-year-old husband to melanoma. Most national brands have added on swim shirt lines as an afterthought in recent years, but UV Skinz sole focus and passion is providing quality UPF50+ swimwear for the entire family.

Griffin in his reversible bucket hat.

I absolutely love the kids swim shirts and have been using them since Amos was a baby. I'm also a HUGE fan of the reversible bucket hat, which both of my boys actually LEAVE ON. 

However, my passion for UV Skinz goes beyond my kids because for the last three years I've been wearing swim shirts myself. I'm very pale and burn easy and it just hit me one day... why don't I wear a swim shirt!?!?

LIFE. CHANGING.

All that energy spent seeking shade and reapplying sunscreen is now spent having fun with my family. I simply throw on a swim shirt and a hat and I'm good for the day. We all want to be more present for our children today AND be around longer in the future so throwing on a sun shirt is the least we can do! UV Skinz has a wide variety of styles for both men and women so check it out!

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ExOfficio BUGSAWAY® Clothing

My LEAST favorite part of summer in the south is bugs... well not bugs really... MOSQUITOS. In my crankiest moments, I think mosquitos are proof the universe is fundamentally unfair. Recently, I got tired of all the natural Pinterest-inspired "No, they say this REALLY works!" remedies and decided to do some research on the science of preventing bug bites.

Luckily, one of my favorite sites The Sweethome had already done most of the work for me. 

“The most effective mosquito prevention is a simple, five-pronged approach: source reduction, larvicide, repellant for your clothing, repellant for your body and a physical barrier.”

— The Sweethome

Repellant for your clothing!?!? Wait, I can simply throw on a shirt and suffer no more! Sign me up! The Sweethome recommended ExOfficio, who sent me a BUGSAWAY® Lumen® to try out.  

“The BugsAway Lumen Hoody, featuring Insect Shield®, is constructed with a mesh weave that is ideal for hot days when you need to stay cool and protected. The drawstring hood and thumb loops provide maximum protection from bites. Permethrin, the active ingredient in Insect Shield, is invisible, odorless, and so tightly bonded to the fabric fibers that it retains effective repellency through the life of the garment. It repels mosquitoes (including those carrying West Nile virus and malaria), ticks, ants, flies, chiggers and midges (no-see-ums). Insect Shield repellent lasts 70 washings. ”

— ExOfficio

It's life-changing in the same way a sun shirt is. Throw it on and stop worrying about bug bites! 

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Olukai Ono

So, we've protected our skin what about our feet?

No one knows how to protect the feet from summer weather better than those who live in perpetual summer on tropical islands. That's why I love OluKai.

Inspired by the cultural tradition of Aloha, this company takes craftsmanship and comfort very seriously. In the process, they have created the most comfortable flip flop I have ever put on my foot.

The Ono stands up to the water and other tough summer environments while providing comfort and support for those summer walks!

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QUUT Sand Toys from Fat Brain Toys

We're heading to the beach next week and there will be LOTS and LOTS of sand play. In past years, I've simply picked up a cheap set of sand toys at the local drugstore and then thrown them away at the end of the trip. However, the shovels and buckets usually can't stand up to the abuse and I hate being so wasteful.

QUUT to the rescue!

Born from thoughtful Belgian design, QUUT beach toys are clever, durable, and adorable. No more cheap shovels that break within minutes. The Scoopi lets kids leverage both their hands and feet to move more sand easily and comes with a detachable sand sifter. The Ballo allows kids to drag heavy buckets on their own without spills. The Triplet is a sand sifter, scraper, AND funnel. 

In other words, none of these toys will be going in the trash after a couple of days in the sand!

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YETI Coolers, Tumblers, and Colster

Part of having a fun summer as an adult is keeping the kids entertained with cool toys like those from Quut... the OTHER part is keeping yourself entertained with a cold beverage.

So, I started hearing a lot about YETI a couple of months ago. I don't go anywhere during the summer (or really all year long) without a cup of ice water and suddenly all my friends' ice water was encased in these sleek metal cups they claimed never got warm.

Y'all.

These Rambler Tumblers are NO. JOKE.

Made from 18/8 stainless steel with double-wall vacuum insulation they can keep ice frozen FOR HOURS. No, seriously. This weekend I poured ice water into my YETI Tumbler at around 10:30 pm. I came home. I went to bed. I left my Tumbler in the car until NOON the next day in 100-degree heat. When Nicholas brought the cup inside, it was warm to the touch. 

Inside? ICE CUBES.

Unbelievable. The Rambler Colster is also amzing for those of you looking to keep more than ice water cold!

In defense of the fat baby

Fat Felix. 

"You poor thing!"

That's the response I get most often when I tell people how much my babies weighed.

Felix was 9lbs 6 oz. Amos was 9 lbs 11.5 oz. Griffin was 9lbs 7 oz.

That's over 28 pounds of baby!

People assume my boys were difficult births. I've even had a few people make references to tearing. But guess what? Don't feel sorry for me and my chunky monkeys. I'm hear to clear some things up, especially for all you preggos living in fear of anything over 8 lbs.

Fat babies are where it's at.

First of all, my births were not difficult. (Well, I wouldn't describe Amos's birth as easy but I don't ascribe that to his weight.) I progressed naturally, was able to manage the pain, and had minimal tearing. Now, I won't say their birth weights had anything to do with my easy births. However, I will argue that a high birth weight doesn't mean you will automatically have a difficult birth.

I'm not an Amazon. I'm only 5'5" and while I do have some pretty major birthing hips, you wouldn't look at me and assume I have huge babies. I simply don't think we give our bodies enough credit for what they can do. We would be a weak link in the evolutionary chain  if we regularly grew babies that we couldn't give birth to. Sure, we have better access to prenatal care (and McDonald's) but I know plenty of petite mommas who gave birth to anything but petite babies.

So, if you're pregnant, breathe easy. Big babies come out just like little babies. And believe me when you're pushing those little buggers out  you're not exactly thinking, "I bet this would feel SO much better if this baby weighed a few pounds less!" Giving birth hurts. Period. No matter the weight.

Second, in my experience, big babies are easier once they get here. My mother-in-law (and mother of five) has famously said that once a baby reaches 10 lbs they should be able to sleep through the night. And I have to say that has been my experience. Griffin was sleeping from 10pm to 7am at about one month old with one night time feeding about 3am. Now, you can't ask for much more when it comes to newborns. I thought maybe he was a fluke but Amos and Felix - although a very different babies - have  followed suit. 

And let me just state the obvious - when they come out weighing nine pounds, you get to ten pounds A LOT quicker.

I can't begin to imagine how often a five pound baby eats or as a result how little they sleep, but I'm pretty sure if I had one I would strap that little sucker (no pun intended of course) directly to my bare chest and leave them there.

Now, I have nothing against tiny babies...except the self-control it takes me not to gobble up their teeny little fingers and toes. In fact, I think I would really enjoy a newborn that actually cuddles as opposed to my boys who come out holding their heads up and ready for pre-school.

Alas, I think I am destined for giants. Although they DO SAY that girls are smaller...

12 Lessons I've Learned in 12 Years of Marriage

Nicholas and I celebrated twelve years of marriage yesterday. Every year we write in a vow album. The day of our wedding we wrote our vows in a journal and then every year we write a letter to one another on our anniversary. This year for the first time I went back and read all of Nicholas's letters to me over the past 12 years and started thinking about how far we've come and how much we've learned. 

1. My marriage is my life’s work.

One of my favorite song lyrics comes from Power of Two by the Indigo Girls. "And if we ever leave a legacy It's that we loved each other well” I hope Nicholas and I leave that legacy, not only for our kids but for ourselves. Continuing to build a strong relationship with this man with whom I’ve chosen to share my life is incredibly important to me and I take it very seriously.

2. That being said… my husband cannot meet every emotional need I have.

I owe it to him to take care of myself, to pursue my own interests, and deal with my own issues.

3. Don’t take the beauty of marriage for granted.

4. Spend time together.

When Nicholas and I were still dating, he moved to North Caroline for law school while I stayed in Kentucky and finished college. We vowed then to never go longer than three weeks without seeing each other. I have no doubt that is what made our long distance relationship successful. We still spend quality time together, especially now that caring for three young kids can sometimes feel like we’re ships passing in the night. The importance of time together - face to face - cannot be underestimated.

5. Spend time together ALONE.

I know the traditional advice is to go on a date once a week but SERIOUSLY that is both unrealistic with three kids and expensive. A local church hosts Parents’ Night Out once a month where we can drop all three kiddos off for 5 hours and we always sign up for that. We usually end up going out more than that but having the once-a-month night we’ve committed to doing helps keep one-on-one time on our calendar. 

6. Fight fair.

As newlyweds, Nicholas and I fought… A LOT. We yelled and called names and took cheap shots. It took us a long time to learn how to fight in a way that is fair and constructive. We don’t agree on everything but when we disagree, we try our best not to take it personally or treat each other with contempt.

7. My emotions are relevant but they are not reality.

8. Have sex.

No, seriously. Like my friend Emily says, if you’re not having sex, what’s to distinguish the relationship from any other close friendship or relationship.

9. Don’t try to change the other person.

I won’t lie and say I’ve perfected this one. There are things about Nicholas I would change if I could and, as an eternal optimist, I keep trying. However, the core of who he is I would never change. I fell in love with the way his brain works and it’s still my favorite thing about him 12 years later. 

10. Keep an eye on one another.

This is different than trying to change the person. It’s more about understanding what makes them tick and what makes them stressed. Nicholas and I are both very good at sensing stress in the other person and not taking any snippiness personally. Plus, we usually have a pretty good idea about what the other person might need to relieve that stress and sending them on their way for some self-care. 

11. Know your partner’s world.

Early in our marriage, I read Dr. John Gottman’s fabulous book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert . One of the principles that stuck with me was being deeply familiar with your partner’s world. I make it a point to understand Nicholas’s work, what projects might be stressing him out or what’s coming up. The same goes for his interests and hobbies. I’ll never love My Brother, My Brother, and Me as much as him but I do KNOW he loves it.

12. Be vulnerable.

After 12 years of marriage, there is no one I trust more than Nicholas. I tell him my deepest fears and insecurities. I tell him what I don’t tell anyone else. Knowing he sees me at my weakest and loves me anyway – his acceptance in the face of my vulnerability – goes to the very heart of our marriage.

What about you? What are some of the biggest lessons you've learned about marriage?

Happy Fourth of July

I'm taking the next couple of days to soak up some summer fun with my family and friends. I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you next week!