My little secret to staying Calm

I've tried meditation on and off for years. I've practiced yoga for over a decade so I was familiar with the physical and psychological benefits of mindfulness but always struggled to make it an everyday part of my routine.

Then, last month, as I faced a fall season full of campaigning and holidays and intense scheduling I figured it was time to get serious. Plus, as I shared last week in Allison's post, I'd become a stress-monkey when it came to my kids and had decided it was time to stop yelling ... cold turkey.

I needed something to help me get through.

Drinking didn't seem beneficial to my kids or burgeoning political career so I thought I would try meditating. Every day. For 30 days.

I used an app called Calm and I loved it. It will send you reminders to meditate. It has a beginner's week of guided meditations to get you started. It has guided meditations to help with sleep, anxiety, self-esteem, focus, gratitude, you name it. Plus, every meditation comes with several choices with regards to length from 3 minutes to 30 minutes so you can pick based on how much time you have.

There is a new guided meditation every day so you don't have to think about all those options if that intimidates you. I usually end up using that choice so I don't end up in decision fatigue territory. 

I noticed a difference within the first week. It didn't feel like an uphill battle not to yell or stay calm. I seemed to just have a deeper well of patience. My stress and anxiety levels seemed to go down and I didn't feel so emotional.

The days I would forget to meditate until the end of the day I would notice that the day seemed a little harder and jumping back in the next morning I didn't seem as focused.

I know meditation can seem silly but the science on whether or not it is beneficial couldn't be clearer. I also know it can be intimidating and the idea of being confined to your own thoughts for even three minutes can seem overwhelming. However, there is no wrong way to meditate. Not even a mindfulness master sits without thoughts intruding into her practice. It's just about getting better at noticing and steering your mind back to the here and now. 

I also know that when you are busy or stressed sitting aside a small block of time can seem impossible but it's during those times that you need to the most!

Anybody already meditate and want to share their experience?

Find your Enneagram the EASY way

As I recently shared I've become incredibly interested in the Enneagram Personality Types, there are lots of ways to figure out your Enneagram from short quizzes to books to hiring Enneagram coaches.

However, this week I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts - The Lively Show - and the host Jess Lively was interviewing Leigh Kramer, an Enneagram expert. Leigh was listing the basic types and the healing attitudes that are helpful for each type. Much of what she was sharing I'd heard before but when she shared the healing attitudes it really connected me.

As in, she read the healing attitudes for my number and I started to cry.

So, here's a quick and easy way to figure out your number. Read each of these healing attitudes and see which one feels like a gut punch. I connected with parts of several of them but my number's healing attitude felt like someone was squeezing my heart. 

Type One

The need to be perfect. They struggle with anger and resentment. Their gift is serenity.

Maybe others are right. 
Maybe someone else has a better idea. 
Maybe others will learn for themselves. 
Maybe I've done all that can be done.

Type Two

The need to be needed. They struggle is pride. Their gift is humility

Maybe I could let someone else do this.
Maybe this person is actually already showing me love in their own way. 
Maybe I could do something good for myself, too.

Type Three

The need to succeed. They struggle with deceit. Their gift is honesty.

Maybe I don't have to be the best. 
Maybe people will accept me just the way I am. 
Maybe others' opinions of me aren't so important.

Type Four

The need to be special. They struggle with envy and comparison. Their gift is emotional balance. 

Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. 
Maybe others do understand me and are supporting me. 
Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Type Five

The need to perceive. They struggle with greed. Their gift is objectivity or nonattachment.

Maybe I can trust people and let them know what I need. 
Maybe I can live happily in the world. 
Maybe my future will be ok.

Type Six

The need for security. They struggle with fear or worry. Their greatest gift is courage.

Maybe this will work out fine. 
Maybe I don't have to foresee every possible problem.
Maybe I can trust myself and my own judgments.

Type Seven

The need to avoid pain. They struggle with gluttony. Their gift is joy.

Maybe what I already have is enough. 
Maybe there's nowhere else I need to be right now. 
Maybe I'm not missing out on anything right now.

Type Eight

The need to be against. Their struggle is lust. Their gift is innocence.

Maybe this person isn't out to take advantage of me.
Maybe I can let down my guard a little more. 
Maybe I could let someone else take the lead.

Type Nine

The need to avoid. Their struggle is laziness. Their gift is decisive action.

Maybe I can make a difference. 
Maybe I need to get energized and be involved. 
Maybe I am more powerful than I realize.

A Weight Lifted

Today I realized for half of 2016 I've carried a pebble of dread in the pit of my stomach.

Since we realized that something was wrong with Felix's arm and decided to consult a pediatric neurologist, the dread has taken different shapes. Dread that it would be some obscure and fatal diagnosis. Dread that he would need an MRI. Dread that something would go terribly wrong during the MRI. Dread that it would be the rare vascular malformation and would need brain surgery.

No matter what shape it took it sat there hard and cold. I'd talk myself down. I'd do more research. I'd talk to a doctor and then another doctor and then another doctor. I began the process with First Steps and got Felix started with occupational therapy. 

I would move the pebble. Smother the pebble. Ignore the pebble. Until there I'd be, holding Felix close and I'd rest my mouth on his head and the weight of that tiny little pebble would feel like a boulder.

What if something happens to my baby?

On the drive to Vanderbilt. As I handed him over to the nurse. As we waited and waited.

I could feel the weight bearing down on me until all I could do was breathe. Just keep breathing.

Then, just like I had told myself they would, the nurse called my phone and said Felix was fine and ready for us in recovery. Picking him up for the first time I felt some of the weight lift. I was so fearful of the MRI I had only allowed myself the smallest space to consider the result. I told myself we would hear what we expected to hear ... but I was prepared to wait days to hear it.

I laid down to take a nap and turned off my phone - not even considering the possibility the hospital would call. When I turned it back on, the pediatric neurologist had left a message. I called her back and she told me it was what they thought. Felix had had a minor stroke either a month before he was born or right after. There was no vascular malformation. He would need the occupational therapy he was already receiving and we didn't even need to go back and see the doctor again.

And just like that the dread I'd been carrying for months was gone. The stress of Felix's diagnosis isn't completely gone. I still worry he'll have trouble walking. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent what happened. I still watch his right hand constantly for signs of improvement... but the fear? The fear of the unknown. That fear is gone. 

As weird as it is, I realized the MRI got inexplicably linked up with another event this month. For those of you who might not follow me on social media, I won my primary campaign for Paducah City Commission. (YEAH! And THANK YOU for supporting me!)

It feels really stupid to talk about an election in the same post about my baby's stroke, but you know what life isn't neatly compartmentalized and mine is no different. 

Plus, the fear I felt about the election has been another constant companion over the past six months. Yes, I chose this path but it didn't change the stress associated with it. By the end of the campaign, I felt fairly confident that I would make it out of the primary but I had no idea in which order I or any of the other candidates would fall. What if I didn't make it? What if I'd wasted everyone's time? What if I looked foolish?

In a weird way, one scenario constantly distracted me from the other. When I would feel my anxiety over Felix and the MRI begin to rise, I would dive into campaign work. When I would begin to worry about the campaign results, I would remind myself that I had much more important things over which to worry. 

It wasn't until today - with the results of Felix's MRI finally in - that I realized that this year was half over and I'd spent all of it carrying around these tiny pebbles of dread. I'd rubbed them until they'd felt familiar - until I'd accepted their presence as my new reality. This new reality made all the easier because everyone in our lives has been so incredibly supportive and amazing. 

But it was still hard ... and then, just like that, they were all gone.

It was only then that I realized how heavy those pebbles had gotten. That the weight of that dread and fear as a constant companion has taken its toll. That I hadn't been writing as much. That's how I know when I'm really avoiding something. The words don't come.

But tonight I couldn't get the words down fast enough. The pebbles were gone. The words had returned. 

It wasn't until the weight had been lifted that I realized how heavy it had been all along. 

Enneagrams and Strengths Finder: Why I love self-exploration

Y'all. I've fallen down a personality test rabbit hole. 

I'm currently working my way through Tsh Oxenreider's Upstream Field Guide. It's an eight-week self-paced course to help you better understand yourself, unearth more of your purpose, then use your wisdom to make a plan so that your life makes more sense.

I'm REALLY enjoying it. (Side note: The course is currently included as part of this super awesome Ultimate Bundle which is half the price of the course alone.)

As part of the second session, Tsh recommends that you find your Enneagram Type and complete the Strengths Finder Assessment to help you better understand yourself, your values, and what types of actions to take moving forward.

I'm a total junkie for self-growth and self-exploration - obviously since I'm taking this course so I was ALL. IN.

The Enneagram Assessment is a model of human personality which is basically structured around nine interconnected personality types.

I've always been a tad intimidated by it. It seemed overly complex (says the person who loves Myers Briggs) but the actual test was simple and easy.  I'm basically a 1 with 2 wing. That's a fancy way of saying I'm a Perfectionist who leans heavily towards giving. 

One site described it as a Servant-Leader.

“Among the liabilities for One-wing-Twos is that they can be perfectionistic, impatient, emotionally constricted, judgmental, inflexible, and intolerant. Furthermore, they can fail to match up to their own high standards in any number of ways. ”

(Shifts uncomfortably in seat because it's a little too dead-on.)

Also, it's Hillary Clinton's type. 🙌

Apparently, Ones have a big problem with anger and feeling defective. I realized reading so much of this that anger is my go-to emotion much of the time but that - as a woman - I don't feel allowed to feel angry. I'd never really thought about that before, which is why I LOVE personality tests and the self-examination they can prompt.

I also completed the Strengths Finder assessment. (You have to buy the book to get a unique code for the assessment.) Strengths Finder is a little different than a classic personality assessment. The idea is that leaders aren't "well-rounded" but that they play to their strengths instead of fixing their weaknesses. 

What I'm realizing is that as a Type One I'm prone to the idea that I must constantly improve my weaknesses instead of just embracing my strengths.

My Strengths are Input, Intellection, Strategic, Woo, Ideation.

In a nutshell, I love to take in a lot of information. My mind is ALWAYS going. I like to find creative solutions. I can work a room like nobody's business. And I love ideas and making connections.

Because I'm always wanting to "improve" I think for far too long I've beaten myself up for not wanting to focus on one thing, for being turned off by traditional approaches, and loving new ideas and new information.

Finally, I'm beginning to realize through a lot of self-exploration - from personality tests to therapy - that at almost-35 (gulp) I am who I am. I'm not going to work my way into another personality. I'm not going to wake up one day and enjoy having a boss or climbing the ladder at a traditional 9 to 5. 

I CAN wake up every day and be a little better version of myself than I was the night before by embracing my strengths and weaknesses - by working with both instead of fighting who I am.

It might seem silly that an online test can help me understand something as intensely personal but the paradox of personality is that learning how we are like others can help put our unique attributes in perspective. It can help us learn how others deal with similar challenges and what ideas and approaches worked for them.

It's just one more tool in the toolbox of growth and awareness and who doesn't love that?

What do y'all think about personality test? Anyone want to share their Enneagram or Strengths!?!

One Little Word for 2016

Three years ago, I began participating in One Little Word®. A project begun in 2006 by one of my favorite bloggers Ali Edwards, One Little Word® is choosing a single word to guide your year.

“A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow.”

— Ali Edwards

My words have had incredible impact, particularly  in 2014 when I chose growth. I wrote that I wanted to grow my family and my business and I got all that and a heaping helping of personal growth that year as well. Despite feeling like I missed the mark with last year’s word, I’m excited to choose another word to help me steer the ship in 2016.

I’m excited for 2016. Barring any unforeseen circumstances or Immaculate Conception, I won’t be pregnant for the first year since 2013! Felix will be turning one and, while he isn’t a walk in the park, I’m beginning to see then end of the infant care tunnel. I can’t wait to see what the year holds for Pantsuit Politics, my coaching business, and the blog.

I confessed in my weekly email recently that I’m uncomfortable with money. It makes me nervous discussing money or fees or negotiating. My friend diagnosed me as having a low money tolerance – meaning it doesn’t take very much to make me nervous.

I want to work on that in 2016. I want to get more comfortable charging for the work I do because I bring a lot of value and I deserve to be paid for it. I want to do my best Amy Schumer and state unapologetically, “I like money.”

So, I’ve decided my word for 2016 is… prosper.

It was my brilliant cousin who first proposed prosper after we had rejected value, achieve, and worth.

I wanted something positive but concrete. I wanted the word to push me to seek financial success, but not stop there.

Prosper is perfect. The definition is “succeed in material terms; be financially successful.” It can also mean to “flourish physically; grow strong and healthy.”

I want to my podcast to prosper. I want my business to prosper. I want to flourish in all areas of my life – emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically.

I want to prosper.

So, that’s my one little word.

Here’s to a prosperous 2016!

#NaNoWriMo: Halfway through

On November 1st, I signed a pledge to write a 50,000 word novel by November 30th.

I did not invent this ridiculous deadline. I am joining thousands of writers in National Novel Writing Month. The idea being that you just get out of your own way and WRITE. No endless plotting and planning. No stalling to edit. No being paralyzed by perfection.

1,600 words a day. Sit down and type.

I'm halfway through and 24,852 words in and I'm exhausted.

I started out excited. I had a concept I was excited about. I had done a modicum of character research and planning. I thought I had a plot.

About five days in, I realized I did not, in fact, have a plot so my characters kept meeting, talking, then running away again. I could set up a scene. I could introduce everyone, but then they had nothing to do. 

I think I've gotten a little bit better but, honestly, I'm not sure. I've got plot holes and missing context and bad dialogue.

But, I also have what could be described as a book!

More importantly, I'm learning lessons I never would have learned without sitting down and just STARTING. I'm learning keeping characters realistic AND interesting is a challenge. I'm learning that real life people are a great source of inspiration but not a great source of action. I'm learning that every thousand words or so I write something and think, "Wow, I wasn't expecting that but it's really good!"

I'm learning that writing 2,000 words or so a day stretches my creative muscles far beyond where I thought they could reach. It leaves me exhausted in the best possible way.

Two. More. Weeks.

Letter to my 15-year-old self

Dear 15-year-old Sarah,

First of all, let's talk about your hair. It's glorious! You will not appreciate that hair until it starts falling out in chunks after your first baby but dang it's so thick and SHINY. You won't have it that long again so enjoy it. You should also enjoy that beautiful complexion, which you falsely believe to have acne.

You don't know acne, girl.

You will. When you get pregnant for the first time and your skin erupts and scars, you will regret all those years stressing your "bad" skin.

Now that we've got the superficial things out of the way, let's address the only other thing you really care about...boys. Boys that are starting to pay attention to you for the first time. You will meet a boy on this trip to California. Nothing serious but it will usher in a new phase - a phase where boys stop being something you dream about and start becoming something you have to actually deal with.

It won't be easy and I won't ruin any surprises because the lessons you learn along the way are worth it. There are no shortcuts along the path to self-acceptance and self-confidence when it comes to men. 

Just know things will turn out fine in the end. It won't be the romantic comedy plot you've internalized at this point.

It will be so much better.

I do wish I could tell you one thing. One thing that would save some time and effort and money.  I know it doesn't work that way. That even if I could go back and tell you to do things differently I'd end up in Marty McFly's high top sneakers upsetting the balance of fate and the universe and my hovercraft...but still if I COULD I would say this. 

You are a writer. Not a lawyer. Not a lobbyist. Not a bureaucrat. 

A writer. Don't fight it. Don't listen to the voices that say you're not good enough or it's a dream too big. Even now at 15 you know that's the only thing you love to do all the time - no matter what. When things get tough or confusing, where do you go? To your journal to write. That will not change and there's a reason for that. Because you are a writer and I wish it wouldn't take you - me - so long to see it. 

Love,

Sarah

I hate Career Day

Photo Credit: ginamccaleb via Compfight cc

On Friday, Griffin’s school will be celebrating Halloween. Instead of costumes, the children were asked to come dressed in the “career apparel” of their choice. They have to make a small presentation for a social studies credit on the profession of their choice and how that person contributes to the committee.

Listen, I get it. I fully endorse structured costume experiences. You don’t want a costume free for all. No one wants kindergarteners going home with nightmares because they passed a fifth grader dressed up as Freddy Krueger.  

I fully endorse the channeling of Halloween energy into an educational experience.

But I hate career day and I hate the question, “What do YOU want to be when you grow up?”

I hated it the first time Griffin got asked, “What do YOU want to be when you grow up?” when he was barely old enough to understand the question. I still hate it when he gets asked today.

I hate that we push middle schoolers to pick a college and high school students to pick a major and college students to map out their entire career.

I don’t know if I’ve EVER been able to answer the question – What do you want to be when you grow up? I’m still not sure how to answer. In elementary school, I liked to sing. I also loved to write. As a young girl immersed in pop culture, my only role models were singers and actresses. I didn’t know any professional writers and I didn’t see any on television. (A post for another day.)

As I grew up, I realized loving movies wasn’t the same as wanting to be in them. I also realized I liked to sing but I didn’t LOVE to sing. By high school, I had developed a healthy interest in politics so I decided to pursue a degree in political science and then take the expected next step of law school.

I still love politics. I still love writing. Along the way, I developed a love of social media and graphic design and parenting and self-growth.

And I’ve had jobs that encompass all or some of these interests, but never felt like I had a CAREER because I was taught grown-ups with careers pursue ONE JOB from college to retirement.

Slowly, I’m accepting that that is not me. That it will never be me. And that is ok.

In fact, I’ve recently learned there is a name for people like me.

Multipotentialite.

According to Emilie Wapnick and her fantastic Ted Talk, a multipotentialite is “a person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life.”

We don’t have “one true calling” or one career. We thrive on learning and exploring and pursuing many different interests, passions, and careers.

And guess what? Multipotentialites are essential in our new economy and thriving in the technological age. The New York Times recently published a piece entitled, “Why What You Learned in Preschool Is Crucial at Work.” The author noted that the diverse interests and skills developed in preschool are a great example of what adults need to thrive in an ever-changing workforce.

“Preschool classrooms, Mr. Deming said, look a lot like the modern work world. Children move from art projects to science experiments to the playground in small groups, and their most important skills are sharing and negotiating with others.”

I would argue that all preschoolers are multipotentialites. I know mine is. Amos loves art and karate and costumes and board games. Griffin is the same way.

It’s only as they’ve grown older that I’ve noticed the emphasis on eliminating interests to pursue ONE JOB.

It makes both me and my children anxious.

I had literally shown Griffin the Emilie Wapnick’s Ted Talk the week before I had to break the news about career day.

His face crumbled. “I don’t want to PICK ONE!”

He has never latched onto one career or job. He never wanted to be a fireman or doctor. Since he was old enough to answer, he’s resisted the traditional answers to the constant questioning about what he wants to be when he’s grow up.

If he finds a job he likes, he just adds it to the list. For the past two years, the list has remained consistent.

He wants to be a scientist, an animator, and a LEGO Master Builder. They all sound awesome to me and I won’t be encouraging him to pick one job or one major or one career anytime soon.

So, THAT is what he will be dressing up as on Friday. We’ve got goggles and pencils and a LEGO Master Builder coat all ready and he’ll be wearing all three. 

After all, our world is changing and it has room for my little multipotentialite… even on Career Day.

P.S. Why I also have a beef with talent shows.

Stop asking my kid what he wants to be when he grows up.

Posted by Sarah Stewart Holland on Wednesday, October 28, 2015