Accusations of Intolerance

Recently, my stepfather and I were having a discussion about Phil Robertson and the Duck Dynasty controversy. He expressed disgust with some of Robertson’s remarks but also told me he felt that Christians were often called intolerant for upholding the tenants of their religion.

I understood his point. Many of you know that I was raised Southern Baptist and for most of my adolescence was a devoted evangelical Christian. I remember feeling persecuted for my beliefs during that time in my life. I always felt like I was on the losing end of the culture wars and that no matter what I did or what I said I would always be the outcast who wasn’t having sex before marriage or who would prefer reading her Bible to late night partying.

Of course, in reality, it doesn’t take much to make a teenager feel persecuted and I realize now that often people took real issue with my beliefs but never singled me out merely because of my identification as a Christian. 

As I grew older and slowly abandoned that identity, I often found myself on the opposite side of the argument. Suddenly, I was the one accusing Christians of intolerant behavior. I vividly remember an intense discussion with a fellow classmate during college. He had voted against funding for my new women’s rights organization and I demanded to know why. He expressed concern with ever-changing gender roles and read me Bible verse after Bible verse to try and persuade me.

At one point, I said, “I get why that works for you. Not only are you right, but you have God on your side.” It’s difficult to argue with someone who believes they have God on their side and I think that is where the accusations of intolerance so often come from.

Intolerance is defined as unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own.  I suppose it depends on how your further define “accept” but it is difficult to find acceptance when another person defines your behavior as opposed to the law of God. For better or for worse, there is no room for the differences between us when your beliefs aren’t merely beliefs but are viewed as fundamental truths.

So does that mean all Christians are intolerant? Does that also mean that people who oppose certain Christian beliefs are also intolerant?

To be honest, I don’t really know. How do we find space for one another when our “truths” seem so diametrically opposed? In my own life, I try to remember that none of us are wholly and completely defined by our beliefs. I try to remember that my own beliefs have changed over the years and could always change again.

I also try to remember that the answer to intolerance is not more intolerance, but a willingness to understand where the other person is coming from and not just prove a point. I won’t say it’s always easy but it is always worth it.

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Will personal choice end the mommy wars?

If you’ve been on Facebook recently you’ve probably seen these photos. Connecticut Working Moms launched a photo series entitled “End the Mommy Wars” in which mothers with “warring” ideas are photographed together with placards representing the two sides. The idea being that we can all peacefully coexist and there’s no reason to judge one another.

It’s a really nice thought. At the risk of sounding a bit like George W. Bush, being a mother is HARD. Every day there seems to be endless ways to screw your kids up and get it all wrong. The guilt-ridden voices inside your own head are enough to deal with without the judgmental voices on the street or the playground adding to the cacophony.

However, I’m not sure that the answer to the “mommy wars” is embracing every parenting decision as an individual choice.

First of all, sometimes these choices aren’t really choices at all. If you didn’t breastfeed because your insurance didn’t cover lactation support, then that wasn’t a choice. If you had to sleep train your child so you could return to work after 6 weeks, then that wasn’t a choice. If your children eat fast food because you can’t afford organic options, then that’s not really a choice. Putting the burden of these decisions solely on the mother does nothing to further the debate on these important societal issues and furthers the idea that mothers are solely responsible for any and all parenting decisions.

What about fathers? What about communities? What about schools? What about churches?

If you don't take your children to church because you had a horrible experience with religion as a child, then the church community needs to address that instead of just brushing it off as an individual decision. If you home school because you feel that testing was detrimental to your child, then the public school system needs to foster a discussion about those concerns and not chalk it up to another individual choice.

Reinforcing the idea that parenting choices are all about the individual mother’s ideology or history or personality does a disservice to us all and oversimplifies very complicated issues. Not to mention, it also implies that these choices are written in stone and define us until the end of time. At any given moment, I could have held some of these placards at the same time. I breastfed AND formula fed. I co-slept AND sleep trained. I felt amazing after one birth and terrible after the next.

And I learned from all those experiences and I am happy to learn from other’s experiences as well. When my dear friend and mother-of-four told me she thought sleep was a skill that had to be taught like any other, I took that TO HEART. I didn’t feel like she was judging me or battling me in an ongoing mommy war. I felt like she was dropping some knowledge and I was happy for it.

Knowledge of how our different choices affected us and our children is something we shouldn’t be afraid to share. If you think something works really well for your family, then go ahead and share that. Most mothers I know who share parenting victories aren’t doing so out of a superiority complex. They share out of a genuine joy over getting something right… for now anyway!

I’m so incredibly grateful for friends who have shared their parenting wisdom with me over the years. I’m equally grateful for my mommy friends who have looked at me and said, “I screwed this up. Don’t do what I did!” We do everyone – especially ourselves – a disservice when we cling to our mistakes under the banner of individual choice.

And I try to do the same. If you want to hear how NOT to get a toddler to stay in his big boy bed then seriously pull up a chair because I am an EXPERT.  I know it’s bad that I yell at my kids and let them watch too much iPad and don’t always read books before bed. Those aren’t my choices. Those are my real weaknesses as a parent and if you’ve got some suggestions, then please bring them on. I’m all ears.

Now, if you’re suggestion is “be a better mother,” then I’m busy. I think Tracy Cassels from Evolutionary Parenting said it best:

Some of you may be ready to jump in about how you have been bombarded by a stranger at the store while buying formula, claiming you’re poisoning your child, or something like that.  Folks – that’s not a mommy wars problem, that’s an asshole problem.  And sadly there are assholes everywhere and all the rhetoric about supporting each other isn’t going to change those people.

That's not to say I don't think we should support each other, of course I do. I think we should be compassionate and loving in all our relationships – especially those with other mothers.

I wish that was all it took to end the mommy wars. Unfortunately, I think the reality – much like parenting itself – is much more complicated.

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My guest appearance on HuffPost Live

Today I was a guest on a HuffPost Live segment addressing our society's obsession with wealth. Instead of just sharing how my family's lack of wealth (aka student loan debt) affects us, I decided to share how Nicholas and I turned our back on "affluenza" and the pursuit of wealth at all costs to move back to Paducah.

Check it out!

Understanding Jacqueline

Fifty years ago this month, John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas. In commemoration of this event, there have been articles and magazine spreads and television specials on the man, his presidency, and his death.

Many have also focused on the figure who has always been the most fascinating part of Camelot for me.

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis.

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved her. I'm sure my interest began superficially. She was beautiful. She was glamorous. She was famous. We also share a birthday.

I was thirteen when she died and I think it was then with all the memorializing and commemorating that I learned more about her. I learned that she was so much more than glamorous gowns and giant sunglasses. 

Still, despite my growing respect for her, Jacqueline remained someone with whom I never fully identified. How could I? She came from a different time. She existed in a world of privilege I would never know..

It was only last Sunday in the midst of all the historical coverage of the assassination that I began to see her in a completely different way. I was watching CBS Sunday Morning when they mentioned she was 32 when she became First Lady.

I'm 32.

Then, I started thinking. She had two children in 1963. A five-year-old and two-year-old.

I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old.

Suddenly, she was no longer on a pedestal I couldn't reach. She was a woman my age with children like mine.

However, there is one thing I still have trouble understanding.

I'm not sure how she survived. Every American has seen the shaky, grainy footage of the Zapruder film. However, in the past couple of years, technology has improved the quality of the footage tremendously and, let me tell you, it is horrific. 

He is shot in the neck. She moves over to check on him and touches his face as he is shot in the head.

What would I have done? How would I have faced another day - much less my two young children? Much less the entire world?

Not to mention, she had buried a child only three months before. Caroline and John would celebrate birthdays the week of the assassination. Then of course she had to be strong for the nation and bury her husband and begin to craft his legacy and move out of her home.

How she did not suffer a major mental break I do not know, but she didn't (even though others with similar situations did). 

I've always been inspired by her and I still am - even more so. She was so graceful and so intelligent and so incredibly strong.

However, as the nation remembers the assassination, I feel something else when I remember Jacqueline and what she went through that awful day. Something I've never felt before...I feel compassion for the wife and the mother and the woman who I couldn't fully understand until I was those things myself. 

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ULTA Beauty comes to Paducah

This post is sponsored by ULTA Beauty.

I am not a beauty blogger. I wear makeup and I LOVE my red lipstick but I’m not an expert or even a serious fan. Honestly, putting myself together feels like one more thing to do.

That was until I stepped through the doors of Paducah’s brand new ULTA Beauty.

I felt like Charlie as he stepped into the Chocolate Factory. Bright colors. Beautiful designs. Smiling faces offering to help you at every turn.

First, Ali, the Prestige Manager, gave me a quick lay of the land. ULTA Beauty really lives up to its reputation as a one-stop-shop. I wear a mix of both high end and drug store brands and it is SO great to know I can go to one place to get my fancy lipstick and my L’Oreal foundation. 

After I’d taken in the entire store and full service salon (and found out there are about 3 million types of blow dryers!), I headed back over the Ali for a makeover.

I explained that I’m a busy mom and I like looking nice but that I need a simple routine - preferably featuring products that pull double duty. I also told her I was in a bit of a rut.

Let me tell you, Ali was up to the task. She asked me thoughtful questions and definitely knew her stuff when it came to the 2.5 trillion (approximately) products on the shelves.

Here’s what I learned immediately. If you stop paying attention to beauty products for a decade or so, they invent new stuff ... BETTER stuff.

Ali suggested one of the fancy new CC creams from Smashbox that serves as a moisturizer, sunscreen, AND foundation in one. (Heads up people Ali says DD creams are coming next!) The coverage was good and it felt great on my skin. She also used a combination primer and concealer from Benefit. Ali swears by eye shadow primer. I was skeptical but hours later my eye shadow was still perfect. 

Next up, she applied one of Laura Geller Beauty's Blush-n-Brighten Baked Cheek Color. Apparently, this is the hottest thing. Baked blushes and eye shadows are molded mineral pigments that are baked so all the moisture evaporates leaving a beautiful new pigment. Fun fact. I've apparently been applying my blush incorrectly for the past 20 years!

For my eyes, she used the hugely popular Naked Pallette by Urban Decay and this gorgeous  TARTE Skinny smolderEYES Amazonian Clay Waterproof Liner. I had recently read this mascara recommendation by the seriously hip Morgan of the818 so I knew I had to give it a try. Y’all, the brush does tricks! You turn the cap and it goes from a lengthening to a volumizing brush! 

 Ali finished my look with my patented red lipstick, only instead of lipstick she suggested this Beauty Stain Stay Put Color by Pop Beauty. Holy Lord, it does. not. move. This product is a revelation! You know what a bummer it is to not kiss your kids or husband because you don’t want them to look like a burn victim!?!? Problem solved!

Chasity from The Brow Bar came over. Yes, they have a Brow Bar to address all your brow needs. Chasity and I had an intense discussion about brow rehabs and she decided my own rehab had gone far enough. I was in need of some maintenance. She tweezed and shaped JUST enough that I had a nice arch but wasn't overly thinned. She also used the most amazing Gimme Brow gel from Benefit. Again, another product I didn't know existed but now don't know how I lived without!

I left looking much better than when I came in but it was more than just a makeover. Trying new products, finding something that fits perfectly, looking pretty in the process. My trip to ULTA Beauty reminded me that makeup doesn't have to be a chore. It reminded me that makeup can be so much FUN! 

If you live in Paducah and would like to check out ULTA Beauty for yourself, come down to the Grand Opening festivities this weekend! 

If you don't live in Paducah, then follow ULTA Beauty on Facebook or Twitter for all the latest!

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Government Shutdown: What's the REAL problem?

The government shutdown is over. Two weeks and 20 billion dollars later, there are several stories coming out of this debacle. Americans are angry at Congress. The Republican party is divided. Obamacare still exists. 

However, buried within each article I’ve read is what I consider the real cause of this debacle and the current political cold war.

Here it is in a New York Times article today entitled Losing a Lot to Get Little:

The worry among many Republicans is that the Tea Party flank will not get the message, mainly because their gerrymandered districts are so conservative they do not have to listen.

From a New Yorker article on the Tea Party caucus who demanded the shutdown:

Through redistricting, Republicans have built themselves a perhaps unbreakable majority in the House. But it has come at a cost of both party discipline and national popularity.

So, what is gerrymandering or redistricting? Let’s go to Wikipedia shall we?

In the process of setting electoral districts, gerrymandering is a practice that attempts to establish a political advantage for a particular party or group by manipulating district boundaries to create partisan advantaged districts.

Both parties are guilty of abusing this practice and creating districts that look like Rorschach tests instead of geographic areas.

From Wikipedia.

Whether or not you agree with shutting down the government doesn’t really matter. As a strategy it failed and the 80 members of Congress who put forth this strategy will suffer no electoral consequences because the districts they live are drawn in such a way that they will never have to.

Listen, 60% of Americans want to fire every member of Congress. And yet, 90% of Representatives will be re-elected.

NINETY PERCENT.

From opensecrets.org

This goes way beyond those 80 members. They just made the lesson obvious. When you are held accountable only by voters who wholeheartedly agree with your (sometimes) extreme ideological positions, what interest do you have in compromising? What interest do you have in legislating at all?

I defend Congress. I defend Congress a lot. So often people will yell and scream about how every politician is a crook and we need to kick the whole lot out. I don’t believe that. I don't believe that if we just fired every member of Congress the problem would be solved.

I worked in Congress. Yes, I would argue about 15% of politicians are crooks. Just like 15% of teachers and bankers and garbage men are crooks. It is a political system composed on human beings and human beings aren’t perfect.

More importantly, when put within a system that rewards ideological extremism and punishes compromise, human beings will react accordingly. These men and women want to keep their jobs. They believe in what they do and they want to keep doing it. 

Thanks to gerrymandering too often that means shutting the government down instead of working to make it run properly.

So what do we do?

Several reforms have been proposed. Independent Redistricting Commissions were seen as a solution early on. Under this reform, a bipartisan commission would have to draw the district lines so that each electoral district was competitive. However, many have argued this leaves minorities and smaller interest groups underrepresented.

The Center for Voting and Democracy argues quite convincingly that the winner-takes-all system is the real problem and that proportional representation within districts would lead to fairer results.

What’s proportional representation? Instead of having to win the most votes, representation is divided proportionally and elected officials need only pass a certain threshold to win elected office. 

Let’s say you have a “super district” that sends four members to Congress. Instead of one person having to flip flop and sell out to make the most people in the district (who most likely don’t agree with each other) vote for them, each candidate can honestly and accurately court the proportion of the population that agrees with their positions. He or she only needs to be one of the top four vote-getters to go to Congress, where they will represent a coalition of supporters instead of one ideological group.

Several state and local governments already use proportional representation to elect city commissioners or state representatives so there’s no reason to believe it could work on a wider level.

Honestly, I don't know if this is the right solution. I do know that this endless cycle of Americans hating Congress and repeatedly re-electing their Congressmen and Congresswomen has got to stop. In order to find a real solution, we have to be honest about the problem.  

What are your thoughts? Do you feel fairly represented? Do you hate Congress but love your Congressperson? 

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Maria Kang and Mommy Body Shaming

You know what the mommy wars needed? A big ole dose of body shaming! 

Oh, wait. 

Fitness blogger Maria Kang posted the above image on Facebook this week and the image went VIRAL. 16 million views viral. 12,0000 comments viral. People reacted strongly - both in support and in disgust - to the image of Kang in a bikini with her three small children surrounding her under the caption, "What's your excuse?" 

The implication is clear. If you have recently given birth or have young children, that is not an excuse from being fit (if we're being generous) or thin (if we're not). 

Look, I'm happy for Maria Kang. If physical fitness is a passion of hers and she has the time and resources to pursue that passion, then good for her. However, that IS NOT - and need not - be the reality for most mothers out there.

First of all, what's the dang hurry? I've always been a fan of the phrase "nine months on, nine months off" in regards to dreaded baby weight. That doesn't mean I applied it like a ticking time bomb to my own body. It took some serious time and big changes to my diet to finally lose all my baby weight after Amos and that's ok.

Not to mention, even after I lost that weight, my body sure as heck didn't look like Kang's. For most women, having babies changes their bodies permanently . If you benefit from great genetics or are married to a plastic surgeon, then I'm happy for you (I guess...) but that standard need not and must not apply to us all.

Second of all, our society tells a woman from a very young age that her value is indelibly linked to her appearance.  Motherhood used to be the last refuge from those types of expectations. Those of us who had recently reproduced or spent most of our waking hours raising the next generation got a pass.

Well, no longer. Now we're expected to be bikini ready within months (or weeks!). It's bad enough to have that message screaming from every celebrity rag in the checkout aisle. Now, we're expected to take this crap from "average moms" invading our Facebook feed!?!

Enough is enough.

Maria Kang, you're right I don't have an excuse.  

Because I don't need a damn excuse. 

I want to be happy and healthy and confident and that doesn't have anything to do with what I look like in a bikini. 

Time to ignore Maria Kang and support Jade Beall.

 Time to ignore Maria Kang and embrace the 4th Trimester Body Project.

4th Trimester Bodies Project - Intro from Ashlee Wells Jackson on Vimeo.

Time to embrace the bodies we HAVE - not the bodies others want to look at.

No excuses. 

What about you? Did you struggle with your post-baby body? 

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I HATE CHEVRON

I’m sorry. I know it’s bright and cheery and oh-so-very graphic but I AM OVER CHEVRON.

I’m not a monster. I loved it at first, too. Chevron looked modern and hip. A pillow here. A curtain there. I especially loved it in kids’ rooms. I remember thinking chevron ceiling fan blades were the cutest thing I’d ever seen.

Then, chevron started to spread. Suddenly, it was filling entire walls. It was on wreaths and picture frames and bedspreads. 

Chevron was not to be contained. People started putting in on their nails and wearing it EVERYWHERE. Chevron dresses, chevron scarves, chevron purses.

Listen, I’m not opposed to any and all zig zags. Lord knows I love a herringbone. However, chevron has reached the point of MANIA. Children are dripping in it. Pinterest is drowning in it. It’s time to acknowledge that chevron is taking. over.

We all need to take a step back and acknowledge that slapping a black and white chevron stripe on something doesn’t make it cute! Seriously, put the pumpkins down, people! They are fine just like they are!

All I think when I see chevron now is in a couple years we’re going to be able to pinpoint exactly when a photo was taken by the presence of chevron.

“Oh, look! Charlene is wearing chevron! That must have been 2013!!!”

Let’s put chevron to rest. It’s had its day. Honestly, I bet chevron is freaking exhausted. There’s no need to beat it completely into the ground. I think we can all agree we don’t want chevron to go the way of way of tie dye and be sentenced to Dance of the Decades party until the end of time.

Let’s just give it a few years… or decades off.

Let’s let another pattern have its day.

I for one LOVE polka dots!

P.S. The emotional truth that saved my marriage.

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