Second (or Third) Time Mommy Anxiety

I wrote this post on Salt & Nectar in 2011 when I was pregnant with Amos. As Nicholas and I consider expanding our family once again, I realized some of these anxieties are resurfacing. Even with one more child "under my belt," I still worry that next time I will encounter something I just can't handle... 

It all started with the kicking.

I remember Griffin kicking. But it was the cute, surprising “Everyone come quick!” kind of kicking. Amos - not so much. His kicking is constant and strong and keeps me up at night. His kicking seems more like he’s trying to escape...through my belly button.

At first, I told myself that it was just because it was my second pregnancy. My muscles (and God knows what else) are all stretched out making every little flutter feel more like a flip. Then, I decided I just didn’t remember Griffin moving this much. But about two weeks ago, I called my friend and asked her if they could diagnosis hyperactivity in the womb.

The kicking alone is not the problem. The kicking is a problem because it contributes to my increasing anxiety about having a second child.

Here’s the thing. I think I’m a pretty good Mom. Griffin is well-behaved and charming and independent. He sleeps through the night, isn’t a picky eater, and plays well by himself. I used to get so riled up when people would tell me how lucky I was. Luck! It wasn’t luck! It was my (and my husband’s) fantastic parenting skills.

Lately though, my resolve has started to crumble because Griffin actually was and is a really, really good baby. He has an amazingly laid back and adaptive personality. I read stories about a month long battles some parents have with their children over food or baths and know in my heart of hearts that Griffin would never do that. He has preferences. He makes them known. But overall he’s just so damn good.

And here’s where the anxiety kicks in. What if I’m only a good mother because Griffin is such a good baby? Or worse, what if I’ve used up all my good baby karma and am fated to have the most difficult child on the planet next?

I read the other day that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all job and I realized that is something I’m going to have to remind myself of everyday. I want nothing more than to treat Amos like the individual he is. I want to meet his needs, not just shove him through the same mold I formed with Griffin. But what if I can’t? What if the strategies and tactics I learned the first time don’t apply? What if he won’t eat/stop crying/sleep?

I’ve always had confidence as a mother but all of a sudden I feel it all slipping away. I never had the same anxiety a lot first time moms had. I never had that “Are they really going to let me keep this baby? I have no idea what I’m doing!” But that is exactly how I feel now.

As an only child, I think some of my fears come from the fact that I have no framework for more than one child. I always pictured myself as a mother and I know how to deal withone child. But I’m going to have children - as in PLURAL - and I’m just not sure how that’s going to work.

Luckily, my husband is one of five children and has endless experience in siblings' relations. I have an amazing support group and tons of girlfriends with more than one kid who can help show me the way. At the end of the day, it’s not about letting myself down. It’s about letting Amos down. I’ve never wondered how I’ll love another child as much as I love Griffin. I love Amos already - fiercely. And I just want to be the best possible mother for him that I can be.

If only he would stop kicking me for five seconds...

How about you? Did you have any concerns about expanding your family? 

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I hate Snow White

One of the greatest tragedies for me as a mother has been discovering that I hate Snow White. I’m no fan of most Disney princesses, but I can usually draw my two-year-old daughter's interest to something in the origin story other than a beautiful girl or a handsome prince.

Snow White…I’ve got nothing.

There’s a queen obsessed with her looks (not with leading the kingdom to prosperity or even conducting ribbon cuttings at the opening of new Far, Far Away businesses) and a magic mirror that’s the equivalent of a “hot or not?” machine. The queen persecutes Snow White because of her beauty (riiiiight), and then Snow White, banished to the forest, cooks and cleans for hard-working little dudes, falls for the dumbest disguise ever, and has to be saved by a prince. The story has nothing for Snow White. She’s Rose-Nyland-naïve. She has no apparent wit, resourcefulness, or perception…nothing that I can offer my daughter, Jane, as an aspirational or even redeeming trait. Snow White is just pretty.

Well-intended people give Jane copies of Snow White and princess costumes and Barbies. They compliment her blonde hair, her cute shoes, and her pretty smile. These are people who love Jane very much, and they value her intelligence and curiosity. But their communication probably leaves her with the impression that, like Snow White, she’s just pretty.

“Pretty” worries me. Pretty soon becomes thin. Pretty becomes “my nose is too big,” “I wish I was shorter than the boys in my class,” and “I hate my skin.” Then Pretty can become eating disorder, self-loathing, plastic surgery. As a mother, Snow White and Pretty are my enemies; more than any other big-scary-world-monster they threaten Jane’s health and well-being.

It’s hard to talk with a two-year-old about the Pretty slippery slope. It’s also hard to talk with her about body image and self-respect. In this moment, I’m not sure how to tell her that being healthy and being skinny are different. That being Pretty is fine, but being smart is great. That Mommy’s “after” is still the neighbor’s “before” and that it’s taken Mommy lots of years to be ok with that. That Mommy and Daddy are still trying to lose weight but only enough to be really healthy and active and energetic.

So, I’m turning to the only tool I know that combines all of these messages in a toddler-friendly package: yoga.

At first, I started doing yoga with Jane because she, like many two-year-olds, is an investigative journalist about my whereabouts. “Mommy, you go yoga class? What do-ning at yoga class? Mommy, show me! Mommy, I do yoga, too?” And so I talked to Jane about being a mountain and taking big mountain breaths. And she LOVED it.

And the light bulb switched on. Yoga is about making yourself bigger. Through yoga poses, Jane learns to take up space, to grow taller (gasp), to stretch out wide (gasp), even to expand her belly (gasp gasp gasp). With every pose, she learns that her body is a strong work of art. She has learned to be a tree (balance bonus!). She loves to be a cat and a cow and a dog and a snake (animal sounds double bonus). And she has learned that she can always come back to her big mountain breath to calm down (triple composure bonus). Yoga is fun and productive and subtle but powerful and the perfect foundation for future discussions about health and body and even about Pretty. It's easy and free and a bonding experience. It's the only way I have to show Jane my own healthy respect for my body.

And that will have to do until Jane can handle my re-write of Snow White:

Once upon a time, there lived a young woman named Snow White. Her evil step-mother, the Queen, was seriously jealous of Snow White's expansive vocabulary and physical prowess, so she made Snow White clean all the time. The Queen's insecurity led her to consult with a magic mirror. One day, when the Queen asked, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the strongest of them all?" the mirror responded "Snow White! She's poised and tenacious." The Queen flew into a jealous rage and banished Snow White to the forest. The Queen's huntsman approached Snow White about a possible modeling contract, but Snow White turned him down, saying "you think I scrubbed floors all these years to be a human clothes-hanger?"). In the forest, Snow White happened upon a charming ranch belonging to seven coal-mining dwarfs. Snow White admired the house and sensed development potential in the area. She could market a residential subdivision here as "rustic with a touch of luxury." But, she had no capital, so she gathered wood and brush and built herself a cottage that Jeff Probst would admire. She befriended the dwarfs, who helped her secure employment at the coal mine. Snow White's work ethic fast-tracked her climbing the ladder at the mine. She shattered the glass ceiling and became the first female CEO. In her new position, Snow White converted the mine to a laboratory for exploring alternative energy sources, and she promoted all of the dwarfs to key leadership positions. The Queen, upon hearing of Snow White's success, grew more jealous and disguised herself as an apple seller, hoping to poison Snow White. Snow White immediately saw through the ruse and offered to pay for the Queen's psychotherapy. Snow White could have succeeded the suddenly incapacitated monarch. Instead, she gathered the townspeople and orchestrated a democratic election. Grumpy, using the skills he acquired from negotiating with a diverse population of dwarfs, won in a landslide, and he and Snow White, as a representative of the business community, maintained a friendly but arms-length relationship. They all lived mostly happily ever after.

Beth is a mom, wife, sister, friend, and HR executive. She's also on a journey to become a yoga teacher. She likes watermelon, reality television, and politics.

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Water

Photo Credit: cosmonautirussi via Compfigh cc

My friend is gone.

After months of maybe - of hopes - of perhaps, the final answer is no. No, she will not recover. No, she will not wake up. No, she is not coming back.

In April, I went to a yoga retreat in the mountains of Tennessee. Slowing down for the first time in months, I felt the weight of her absence. Even as I still entertained the ever-decreasing hope of her recovery, I knew she had already missed so much - a Christmas, her son’s first birthday, a thousand small moments and milestones. 

The thought of her missing even more - of missing everything - felt like a weight I couldn’t lift off my shoulders. 

So, I went for a walk by a stream on a beautiful spring day and I talked to my friend. I told her how sorry I was for what happened to her. I told her how guilty I felt that I could still hug my children and she couldn’t. I told her that I loved her - that we all loved her - and the thought of never again hearing her voice or seeing her smile was unbearable. 

I felt her there with me that day and, as I watched the water rush past, here is what I decided. 

As mothers, our love is like water. In a perfect world - in a world without car wrecks or cancer or war, that love is like a pool. The water is still and deep and stays in the same place. Our children can dive in and immerse themselves in that love whenever they need us. We are always there for hugs or support or advice. 

But we do not live in a perfect world.

Sometimes that love is like a summer rainstorm. It comes and drenches everything in its path but then it is gone. However, the water it left behind still exists. At first, its presence is obvious. We see it in puddles on the sidewalk or in a thousand droplets across the grass. Then, we have to look harder. The water still exists as part of stream that rushed to sea or as the plant that continues to grow or as condensation filling another cloud for another rainstorm.

The love my friend felt for her children still exists. It was will always exist. The love she poured into every meal, every bath, every story is not going anywhere. As the years pass, her children will need to look harder. We all will. We will have to depend on what we know instead of what we can see - but the love will be there. 

Water doesn’t die. Love doesn’t either. It merely changes form.

Got advice?

There are a lot of blog posts out there angrily dismissing unsolicited parenting advice.

This is not one of those posts.

It might sound strange but I welcome uninvited parenting advice. “No one knows my child better than me.” Or “I’m going to raise my child the way I see fit” are not really sentences that exist in my vocabulary.

First and foremost, I do not know my child better than anyone else, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t know how many of you have toddlers but they are big giant mysteries — most often to their own mothers. Yesterday, Griffin loved bananas. Today, he won’t have anything to do with them and I have NO IDEA why. It does not bother me at all to admit that another mother might recognize the cause of behavior in my child that I wouldn’t have noticed if it had slapped me in the face.

Second, I moved back to my hometown precisely because I had no interest in tackling parenting on my own. I agree with Hillary Clinton on a lot of things, one of which is that it truly does take a village to raise a child. I think our society and, more importantly, our children have lost something very valuable when we stopped approaching parenting as a community endeavor and started approaching it as a solitary journey. There is a wisdom every mother earns through sleepless nights and endless crying that is lost if she never shares it. (Click to tweet.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the smug lady who offers a “You really should control your child” as your two-year-old melts down in the checkout line. Really!?! I would never have thought of that without your helpful advice! That lady and all the other jerks who offer judgment instead of kindness can take a walk.

I’m not talking about them.

However, the well-intentioned friend who says, “I would never have done that if I knew then what I know now” or the (dare I even say it) mother-in-law who notices similarities between your husband as a baby and your own child are ignored at your peril. No one wants to be told they’re making a mistake with their child or that they are bad mother. 

And, honestly, I don’t think that’s what most people are saying. They know you are a good mother and want what’s best for your child or most wouldn’t offer advice in the first place. No one went around offering Joan Crawford parenting tips. It was abundantly clear even the best advice wasn’t going to save those kids from the wire hangers.

The truth is we all know we make mistakes with our children - daily if not hourly - and if old Aunt Agnes’s unsolicited advice can keep my average down for the day then so be it. I’ll take it where I can get it. Sometimes the most helpful expert isn’t in the doctor’s office or the hottest new parenting book, but right down the street.

This post was originally published on Salt & Nectar in 2011. 

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In defense of the summer list

One of my favorite people (and bloggers) Meagan Francis recently wrote a post defending the simple pleasures of summer and explaining why a summer list isn’t the right fit for her family.

But when you think about it, summer break is really pretty short. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to fill so little time with so much activity?... a neatly checked-off “summer bucket list” isn’t a requirement of being a good mom.

On the one hand, I agree. Of course, one doesn’t need a summer list to have a season filled with sunshine and happy memories.

However...

I have a summer list and I love it. 

Spray park - CHECK!

I made it at the beginning of May, printed it out, and hung it in our kitchen. Over the past few months, we’ve been slowly checking one activity off after the other. 

I won’t lie and say I feel no pressure to complete the list. I’m a completist from way back. Lists keep me motivated. Lists keep me focused. If too many days pass filled with Sesame Street and errands, my summer list reminds me that these warm, wonderful days are in short supply and we better make the most of them.

My summer list is a good mix of simple pleasures and the special experiences that make a summer. Plus, I leave lots of wiggle room. I’m not sure if we’ll make it to the zoo but the Nature Station at Land between the Lakes is just as good. Check! We made it downtown for the Saturday night street fair...even if we got rained out minutes later. Check!

Sand castle - CHECK!

It's not even just about my kids. I've been wanting to take a canoe trip with my husband forever. I'd see the trips on the LBL calendar and think, "I want to do that!" Then, I put it on the list and it was NOT going unchecked. We went on a canoe trip over Memorial Day weekend. Just us. It had been so long since we did an "activity" - not just dinner and a movie - together. We had a blast and I have the summer list to thank. 

The best part is I’ve noticed the list has motivated our friends and family. People constantly ask me how the summer list is coming. A close friend printed out a list of her own. Several family members have commented that they love to see us check items off via Instagram and Facebook. 

Canoe trip - CHECK!

My favorite moment came when my in-law’s came for a visit. My mother-in-law brought water balloons because they wanted to be a part of the summer list - which contains a now checked off “Water balloon toss”. Maybe she would have brought the water balloons anyway but I loved that the list was a big part in creating a very special memory for everyone.

The summer list is only a source of positivity - not pressure. (Click to tweet.) There will be no penalties if items go unchecked. The list is for us and no one else. 

And there will definitely be another one next summer.

Do you have a summer list? If so, is it a source of pressure or positivity?  

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The Secret to Independent Play

Most mornings my boys play together in their room for an hour and a half to two hours. After we have breakfast, I send them back to play and I have one to two blissful hours to get things done.

Now, Griffin and Amos are only four and two. I still get the occasional question or request BUT, for the most part, I can depend on that time to get work done or projects completed around the house.

How do I do it?

The answer is so simple it’s going to shock you.

I turn on music.

That’s it. I turn on our superhero song playlist or Justin Roberts or the audiobooks of The Chronicles of Narnia. Doesn’t much matter what it is. They just need some noise.

Some mornings I forget to turn it on and they never last more than fifteen minutes before slowly drifting out into the living room. It always takes me a second to realize what’s missing. Then, the second I turn it back the happy, independent play resumes. 

I’m not sure when I figured it out. I think it was probably born of my paranoia of any television being on in Griffin’s first two years. I always had music on instead. 

While I’m still way past my complete screen restriction, I do try to keep the television off most of the day and if it’s on while they are in their rooms, they will inevitably be drawn out by the noise. Like moths to a flame, they just know the television is on.

However, when the rest of the house is quiet and their rooms are filled with music or stories, they will play happily together or independently in the same room. Either way I’m not spending every waking minute keeping them entertained. 

Do your children listen to music while playing? If not, give it a try and let me know how it goes! 

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The Marshmallow Test

In the late 1960's, psychologist Walter Mischel led several experiments on delayed gratification involving four year olds and a bunch of marshmallows. The premise is simple and I explain at the beginning of the video.

The characteristic these experiments test - basically self-control - has been to be a fundamental predictor of success in life. I've always said I'm going to test all my children in when they reach four years old - not because I want to see how successful they will be as adults, after all to think one can truly predict that is hopeful at best and ridiculous at worst. 

Basically, I just wanted to see which children I might want to keep a close eye on. 

Although, I haven't met a mother yet who doesn't already know the answer to that question by about two. Most can predict which children will scarf the marshmallow and which won't. I accurately predicted Griffin's behavior... 

but you'll have to watch the video to find out! 

Don't miss the hilarity around moment 2:50. 

Would you ever perform the marshmallow test on your child? Or do you already know what they will do? How important do you believe self-control to success? 

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Why My Family Doesn't Get the Flu Vaccine

Photo Credit: vinyl_word via Compfight cc

Unless you live far below the earth’s surface in a subterranean dwelling with no television or internet, you are probably aware that we are in the midst of flu season and that this particular flu season is VERY BAD. Bad. Bad. Bad. Everyone has the flu. “Run – don’t walk – to get your flu shot!” is the message coming from every media conduit.

Flu season and the flu shot has been the topic of conversation at my yoga class, my book club, and at basically every gathering I’ve attended over the past couple of weeks. I’ve got friends texting me at all hours of the night asking me if I’ve taken my boys to get shots yet.

And I almost did. Twice. I made two separate appointments and then cancelled them.

Here’s why.

I had not made any plans to get flu shots. My children had never received flu shots. Because they were born in the early summer, the flu shot always comes up on rotation during the summer – aka NOT flu season. My doctor has always advised me to skip it and never questions me again during flu season since my children don’t go to full time day care.

However, this year was different. It wasn’t my doctor questioning me about whether or not I wanted my boys to receive the shot – it was everyone else. The scary stories of young children dying from the flu are abundant and it seemed like everyone had one for me.

And yet, I kept hesitating .Finally, after backing out twice,  I realized I was making a decision based on fear and outside pressure which is something I try never to do.

So, I took a deep breath and decided to look at some of the research. One of the first articles I found mentioned meta-analysis done by the Cochran Collaboration. No study is perfect, which is why the Cochran Collaboration analyses all the research and attempts to reach a conclusion.

Last year, the organization looked at 75 studies on flu vaccines in children and reached the following conclusions:

“Influenza vaccines are efficacious in preventing cases of influenza in children older than two years of age, but little evidence is available for children younger than two years of age. There was a difference between vaccine efficacy and effectiveness, partly due to differing datasets, settings and viral circulation patterns. No safety comparisons could be carried out, emphasising the need for standardisation of methods and presentation of vaccine safety data in future studies. In specific cases, influenza vaccines were associated with serious harms such as narcolepsy and febrile convulsions. It was surprising to find only one study of inactivated vaccine in children under two years, given current recommendations to vaccinate healthy children from six months of age in the USA, Canada, parts of Europe and Australia. If immunisation in children is to be recommended as a public health policy, large-scale studies assessing important outcomes, and directly comparing vaccine types are urgently required. The degree of scrutiny needed to identify all global cases of potential harms is beyond the resources of this review.

This review includes trials funded by industry. An earlier systematic review of 274 influenza vaccine studies published up to 2007 found industry-funded studies were published in more prestigious journals and cited more than other studies independently from methodological quality and size. Studies funded from public sources were significantly less likely to report conclusions favourable to the vaccines. The review showed that reliable evidence on influenza vaccines is thin but there is evidence of widespread manipulation of conclusions and spurious notoriety of the studies. The content and conclusions of this review should be interpreted in the light of this finding.”

— Cochran Collaboration

Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

The authors further conclude that six children need to be vaccinated with the live attenuated virus for one case of the flu to be prevented.

I know it sounds silly but I was starting to feel like every child who wasn’t vaccinated got the flu and every child who got the flu ended up in the hospital on the precipice of death. I knew logically that wasn’t true but the pressure I was receiving to get the flu shot had made me feel that way.

In actuality, your child has to get the vaccine with the live virus (which many pediatrician’s offices don’t carry) and then the vaccine has to be a good match with the strand circulating that year (which isn’t always the case) and then your child has to be the one in six for which the vaccine actually prevents the flu. The odds for things going badly are also small – although how small is hard to say since there are no real statistics on how many children die from the flu each year.

Either way, for me and my family the numbers simply aren’t strong enough. My approach to medical care is very hands off. I understand that modern medicine is life-saving for so many but – for the most party – I believe a healthy human body is better when left alone. If you want to do anything to my body or to the bodies of my children, you have better have a very good reason with very good research to back it up.

That’s the reason I have my children at home. That’s the reason I vaccinate on an alternate schedule. That’s the reason I did not circumcise my sons.

Trying to scare me with a one in a million scenario will not work. In fact, if I feel like I’m trying to be scared into something the chances are that much better I won’t do it.

I understand that not everyone feels that way and that is absolutely fine with me. However, I do wish that there was room for different approaches – especially in regards to the flu vaccine. I’ve had so many friends that chose not to vaccinate their children tell me they have gotten dirty looks or actually been accused of endangering the lives of their children and others.

The research on the vaccine is simply not strong enough to justify that kind of judgment. So often we go out of our way to make room for different approaches – from cloth diapers to day care to time out, we all know there are no “right answers” when it comes to mothering. We each take the information available to us and look at it through the prism of our own beliefs and experiences. Then – and most importantly – we do the best we can for our children.

The flu vaccine is no different.

This post originally appeared on Salt & Nectar.

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