Will personal choice end the mommy wars?

If you’ve been on Facebook recently you’ve probably seen these photos. Connecticut Working Moms launched a photo series entitled “End the Mommy Wars” in which mothers with “warring” ideas are photographed together with placards representing the two sides. The idea being that we can all peacefully coexist and there’s no reason to judge one another.

It’s a really nice thought. At the risk of sounding a bit like George W. Bush, being a mother is HARD. Every day there seems to be endless ways to screw your kids up and get it all wrong. The guilt-ridden voices inside your own head are enough to deal with without the judgmental voices on the street or the playground adding to the cacophony.

However, I’m not sure that the answer to the “mommy wars” is embracing every parenting decision as an individual choice.

First of all, sometimes these choices aren’t really choices at all. If you didn’t breastfeed because your insurance didn’t cover lactation support, then that wasn’t a choice. If you had to sleep train your child so you could return to work after 6 weeks, then that wasn’t a choice. If your children eat fast food because you can’t afford organic options, then that’s not really a choice. Putting the burden of these decisions solely on the mother does nothing to further the debate on these important societal issues and furthers the idea that mothers are solely responsible for any and all parenting decisions.

What about fathers? What about communities? What about schools? What about churches?

If you don't take your children to church because you had a horrible experience with religion as a child, then the church community needs to address that instead of just brushing it off as an individual decision. If you home school because you feel that testing was detrimental to your child, then the public school system needs to foster a discussion about those concerns and not chalk it up to another individual choice.

Reinforcing the idea that parenting choices are all about the individual mother’s ideology or history or personality does a disservice to us all and oversimplifies very complicated issues. Not to mention, it also implies that these choices are written in stone and define us until the end of time. At any given moment, I could have held some of these placards at the same time. I breastfed AND formula fed. I co-slept AND sleep trained. I felt amazing after one birth and terrible after the next.

And I learned from all those experiences and I am happy to learn from other’s experiences as well. When my dear friend and mother-of-four told me she thought sleep was a skill that had to be taught like any other, I took that TO HEART. I didn’t feel like she was judging me or battling me in an ongoing mommy war. I felt like she was dropping some knowledge and I was happy for it.

Knowledge of how our different choices affected us and our children is something we shouldn’t be afraid to share. If you think something works really well for your family, then go ahead and share that. Most mothers I know who share parenting victories aren’t doing so out of a superiority complex. They share out of a genuine joy over getting something right… for now anyway!

I’m so incredibly grateful for friends who have shared their parenting wisdom with me over the years. I’m equally grateful for my mommy friends who have looked at me and said, “I screwed this up. Don’t do what I did!” We do everyone – especially ourselves – a disservice when we cling to our mistakes under the banner of individual choice.

And I try to do the same. If you want to hear how NOT to get a toddler to stay in his big boy bed then seriously pull up a chair because I am an EXPERT.  I know it’s bad that I yell at my kids and let them watch too much iPad and don’t always read books before bed. Those aren’t my choices. Those are my real weaknesses as a parent and if you’ve got some suggestions, then please bring them on. I’m all ears.

Now, if you’re suggestion is “be a better mother,” then I’m busy. I think Tracy Cassels from Evolutionary Parenting said it best:

Some of you may be ready to jump in about how you have been bombarded by a stranger at the store while buying formula, claiming you’re poisoning your child, or something like that.  Folks – that’s not a mommy wars problem, that’s an asshole problem.  And sadly there are assholes everywhere and all the rhetoric about supporting each other isn’t going to change those people.

That's not to say I don't think we should support each other, of course I do. I think we should be compassionate and loving in all our relationships – especially those with other mothers.

I wish that was all it took to end the mommy wars. Unfortunately, I think the reality – much like parenting itself – is much more complicated.

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Fun (and educational) Snow Day Activities

Between the polar vortex and winter storm currently reeking havoc across the Midwest, families are facing many more snow days than they expected. Movies and board games only get you so far before you and the kids begin pulling your hair out. Try some these instead!

1. Snow Experiments There is lots to be learned about snow. From temperature to climate, take this chance to teach your kids about what temperature things freeze or how quickly depending on the item. Not to mention, there are fun things to make from snow ... like snow cream! Here's a roundup of other experimental ideas!

2. Snow Flake Comparison We all know every snow flake is unique but there's nothing like a snow day to really explore the magic of snowflakes in depth. Take a dark sheet or dark piece of paper outside with a magnifying glass. Have your little one capture snowflakes and compare and contrast their differences. 

3. Snow Library Collect all your winter-themed books and have a frosty read in. Ezra Jack Keats's The Snowy Day. Caralyn Buehner's Snowmen at Night. We all have a few snowy classics on our bookshelves. OR you could switch it and find all your books featuring sunshine and warm sunny days to warm you on on a cold snow day. If you'd like to explore some classics on the screen, this a great roundup of movies and shows available streaming online based on children's classics. 

4. Selective Screen Time Not all screen time is bad! There are a ton of amazing websites that offer learning resources like Khan Academy where your child can learn for free about math, art, computer programming, economics, physics, chemistry, biology, medicine, finance, history, and more! If your child is interested in computer science, Codecademy is a great place for them to start exploring that passion in more detail. 

What are your favorite snow day activities? Any classic wintery books you'd like to share? Leave a comment!

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Elf on the Shelf® the EASY way

To have an Elf on the Shelf®? Or not to have an Elf on the Shelf®?

THAT is the real question at Christmastime.

For several years, Griffin was just too young. Then last year he never mentioned it. It was easy to ignore the great Elf on the Shelf® debate. I was ambivalent to an elfish presence in our home. On the one hand, I understood how much fun it was for kids and I knew several friends who openly advocated for the little guy. They said all the hassle was worth the look on your child’s face when searching for the mischievous creature every morning.  On the other hand, I wasn’t completely comfortable with the NSA-like surveillance that went with the elf and bribing my kid to be good.

Nicholas was not ambivalent. He hated the elf. He argued it stank of consumerism and adding one more “must buy” to a holiday that already involved spending too much money. He rightly pointed out that we already had enough going on every day with our five advent calendars and we didn’t need one more thing to do. 

He wasn’t the only one hating on the elf. For every friend that loved it, I had parent after parent tell me they wish they’d never started. One friend exclaimed in frustration, “EVERY night you lay down to go to bed and remember SHOOT! I didn’t move the dang elf!”

So, I was on the fence. Nicholas was opposed. 

Then, Griffin asked one simple question over dinner. “How do we get an elf?” His friend William had an elf. The elf did all kinds of silly things when William was asleep and Griffin thought it would be fun to have an elf. So, he asked again, “How do we get an elf?”

We punted and said we’d ask William’s mom. Nicholas was still adamant. We didn’t need an elf. Were we going to cave every time one of his friends had something he wanted? This would have been a valid point… any other time of year. However, Christmas isn’t about consistency. Christmas is a magical time when the rules don’t quite apply and when you have a chance to make your child’s eyes fill with glee, you do it. 

So, I decided if Griffin wanted an elf, an elf he would have.

BUT this elf was going to be on MY terms. 

First, I would not be purchasing an Elf on the Shelf®. I applaud the idea, but I don’t think they need my $30 and I don’t need THAT elf or THEIR rules to have fun with my child. So, I went to our local home decor store and bought a little elf with wire limbs (I was told this was essential to arranging the elf) for 60% off. Ten dollars later and I was on my way to Christmas wonder. Plus, our elf has little knitted clothes and I’m thinking about changing them up every year.  

Second, our elf will arrive ONE WEEK - not one month - before Christmas. I have enough experience with every day projects to know a week is doable but a month is a commitment. Gathering seven elf adventure ideas takes about 15 minutes on Pinterest. Thirty or more ideas is a week long organizational project and while I want this experience for my kids, I am simply not willing to dedicate that much energy to it.  

Not to mention, December is an insanely busy month and I know some days I simply won’t have the mental or physical energy to deal with the elf. However, I always find things have slowed down by the final week. The anticipation is building and all the major projects are either completed or abandoned. The perfect time for our little visitor to arrive. 

Mommy and Daddy can move the elf with gloves. I explained in our elf’s first letter that, while his magic is fragile, adults can move him carefully if wearing gloves. I just didn’t want the elf dangling from a fishing pole for 24 hours. I also didn’t want Amos, who can’t keep his grubby little paws off my tree much less a cheery little elf, “murdering” the elf every chance he got. So, after Griffin finds him every morning I place him high upon a shelf.

The elf can disappear at any minute. I set this one up so that if we have a particularly crazy day I can skip the elf. I haven’t done it yet and don’t anticipate needing to but I wanted the option either way. Plus, I’d read the horror stories of kids crying all Christmas Day when the elf left so I wanted Griffin to know that was an option from the beginning. 

My elf will not be making an appearance on social media. This is a big one for me. I decided I would not be posting the elf’s nightly adventures on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter. I won’t say I’ll NEVER post a single picture but it was important to me that I expend this energy for the right reason. The elf is for Griffin, not to prove what an awesome mom I am. I don’t consciously post anything to impress but I know the science and psychology behind social media and I am not foolish enough to think I’m immune. So, Awesome the Elf might appear once or twice but you won’t see his daily antics in your feed. 

We are currently five days into our little elf experiment and so far so good. When the elf first made his appearance in our mailbox, the sound of Griffin gasping as we pulled in the driveway was worth the $10 I’d already invested. Griffin clearly loves his little elf. After making the elf a hand glider and writing him a letter, he told me that when he was grown up and had his own house he would be taking his elf with him.

And really that’s all I want - one more happy Christmas memory he can take with him into adulthood. The time we spend fully immersed in the magic of Christmas seems so incredibly short. If a little stuffed elf can make that time seem better or longer, who am I to stand in the way?

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Guest Post: Holiday Safety Made Simple

My favorite child safety expert Pattie Fitzgerald is back with a new book, a giveaway, and tips to keep your child safe this holiday!

Every holiday season I get lots of inquiries from parents, usually with two concerns:

“How do I manage all those tasks and errands with kids in tow?”  

“How do I deal with those big family gatherings where there are so many friends, relatives, and kids running around – especially if there’s that one relative I’m not so sure about?!”

When my 16 year old daughter was much younger, I was faced with the same concerns that every parent with young kids thinks about.  There’s a lot to distract us (and our kids!) whether we’re at the mall, the airport, or Auntie Barbara’s house for her annual holiday bash.  

Here’s what I did – and it worked.  

1. I briefed my daughter on just a couple of do’s and don’ts before we went to the mall, the party, or where ever.  I put “safety” into the context of simple rules or do’s/don’ts, which made sense to her and reminded her that other people had to follow the rules, too.  I kept it short, sweet, and to the point so I didn’t bore her with long explanations.
2. I assessed the different environments ahead of time. Was there an arcade or play area at the mall that might distract her?  If so, the check first rule is the one I’m going to focus on.  At a party, is there one relative or family friend that gives me an “uh-oh feeling” every time I see them at a family function?  Gonna have to monitor that one!

For example, some families have that one relative… yuck! I call ours Cousin Uh-Oh because he blurs boundaries left and right.  I won’t bore you with all the details, but suffice to say, he’s been creeping me out since I was a kid, and I don’t want my daughter dealing with him, plain and simple.  If he was around, I simply told my daughter “If cousin ___________ wants you to go somewhere with him or gives you an Uh-Oh feeling, just let me know right away and I’ll talk to him.”  

More importantly, I made a “note to self” when we got to the party:  “Where’s cousin uh-oh/where are the kids?”  If he was hanging out with them when he should have been with all of us adults, I said something!  In this scenario, it’s my job to be monitoring.  I don’t have to act like I’m in the CIA for heaven’s sake, but I do want to keep an open, watchful eye on certain things because it’s easy to get caught up in the festivities.  

So, whether you’re driving across town for a shopping trip, headed to the airport or off to grandma’s for the annual soiree, here are some common sense tips to help you navigate through this busy time of year.  And remember, use common sense.  Most people and places are safe.  So, rock those holidays and enjoy!

Holiday Safe-Smarts

1. Out at the mall or other busy place?  Have kids follow the “3 Giants Steps Rule." Kids can only be 3 giant steps away from you at all times.  It’s a fun way to get the kids to stay close by especially during boring errands when they’re likely to get distracted or antsy – make it game!

2. Get smart about getting lost:  If your child can’t find you, teach them to look for a mom with kids or ask the cash register person who can make an announcement. Statistically these are the safest strangers in an emergency and can help quickly. Avoid telling kids to find a security guard, uniforms are confusing to little ones and not every place has one.

3. Child reminder:  NEVER leave the mall or store to go looking for you in the parking lot.  Let kids know that you’d never go outside to your car without them – no matter what anyone else tells them.

4. Dress children in brightly colored clothes to help keep them easily visible. You may even want to take a quick picture with your cell phone before venturing out.

5. If you have a toddler who’s prone to running off or wandering, consider using a cute harness/backpack especially at the airport or huge public places.  Kids love them, they’re fun and can give you some peace of mind!  PS – Stop worrying, IT’S NOT A LEASH!

6. “CHECK FIRST” always.  Kids should always check with you first BEFORE going anywhere in a public place, including another store, play area, or even the restroom.   Check First also applies in familiar settings as well. “Check first before going somewhere even if it’s with someone you know!”

7. Never leave kids alone at public facilities such as video arcades, movie theaters, play areas, etc. as a “convenient babysitter” while holiday shopping.  Kids who are unsupervised are far more vulnerable to “tricky people”.

8. If you’re comfortable letting an older child (at least 8 or 9 years old) use the men’s room alone, accompany them and as your child enters just call out “I’m right out here if you need me, don’t take too long!”  This just lets anyone in there know there’s a mom nearby who’s paying attention.  Good deterrent for tricky people!  If your child seems to be taking a long time, it’s ok to enter the doorway and make sure they’re ok.

9. Discuss age-appropriate safety issues with your child in a calm, non-fearful manner.  When discussing “strangers”, inform them that it isn’t what a person looks like, it’s what they ask a child to do that makes someone unsafe or tricky.  Kids have been known to leave with a stranger because “he seemed nice” or “he didn’t look like a stranger.”

10. In an emergency, a loud yell is one of the best things a child can do.  Teach them to yell out: “I NEED HELP”, “THIS IS NOT MY PARENT”.  A loud child calling attention to himself in public is a predator’s worst nightmare.

11. Always teach your child, they’re the BOSS OF THEIR BODY.  Their private parts are private and not for anyone else to see or touch, especially when you’re at parties or other gatherings.  It’s okay to say “Leave my body alone!” to anyone, even a bigger kid or a grownup.

Pattie Fitzgerald is a certified child safety educator and children’s visitation monitor. She is the founder of www.safelyeverafter.com , and has been featured on hundreds of radio and television news programs, as well as in magazines and periodicals throughout the United States.  Her children’s curriculum is now used in classrooms throughout the country.

For more child-friendly ways to talk about personal safety, check out Pattie Fitzgerald’s books for kids:  No Trespassing – This Is MY Body and Super Duper Safety School.

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How to use a timer to potty train

Photo Credit: thejbird via Compfight cc

Today I'm potty training Amos! Since our approach with Griffin worked so well, I'm following the same strategy and thought I'd share a post I wrote on Salt & Nectar explaining our potty training technique. 

You will have correctly surmised from the title of this post that I have in fact potty trained. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I now only have ONE child in diapers. Let me try that again for those of you in the back...

I ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD IN DIAPERS! HALLELUJAH!

My husband and I had used a busy schedule and several weekends of traveling to delay potty training Griffin WAY past when we knew he was ready. Finally, the weekend before Halloween we (and by we I mean me because my husband went out of town conveniently!) sucked it up and put the diapers away.

I'm proud to say the first day there were no accidents at all. We had one very difficult day establishing that poop DOES in fact go in the potty. However, we reached the one week mark with only a few accidents and two week mark with almost no accidents at all.

So, how'd I do it? What are my tips?

1. Tune out the noise. Between potty books, potty videos, and potty blog posts, I was stinking overwhelmed. Several close friends had offered advice as well but I was having trouble deciding on one strategy. What if I chose incorrectly? Or messed up some important step? Finally, I just adapted a simple technique to our lives and moved on.

2. Go big or go home. I had been offering the potty haphazardly for months. We would ask Griffin if he was ready and always be met with a resounding no. Finally, I just decided to dedicate an entire weekend to potty training. We weren't going back to diapers and that was the end of it. Zero tolerance was stressful but in the end it worked.

3. The potty timer is your friend. During my extensive (and at times paralyzing) research, I heard lots of parents recommend using a timer. The idea is that the timer is telling your child to go to the bathroom and not you. "Potty timer says go. Nothing I can do about it!" Some recommended setting the timer for every 20 minutes or (God save me) every 10. That seemed a bit rigid for me so I did something similar to the schedule you use in sleep training - only in the reverse. I started at 20 minutes. If he didn't go to the bathroom at the 20 minutes mark, I would set the timer for 15 minutes. If he didn't go at 15 minutes, I set the timer for 10. Worked like a charm.

4. Go commando. The first day Griffin wore nothing but an oversized t-shirt. I wanted him to feel the sensation of wetting himself, which he never actually did the first day. On Monday, when we went out, I just put pants on him with no underwear. That worked well until he had a VERY messy accident. The underwear came back and has remained, although I still think it's best to leave them commando at the very beginning.

5. iPotty. You know the easiest way to get a two-year-old to sit on the potty? Stick an iPhone/iPad/iPod in his hands. Who knew that was Steve Jobs's true legacy?

Despite one stressful day, potty training was much easier than I anticipated. We're not accident free but we are dang close and (just one more time because it makes me feel so dang good) I officially have only ONE child in diapers!!!

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Higher Education: Worth the cost?

Recently I was at dinner with a group of friends, several of whom were mothers. As is often the case, the conversation had turned to the education system. We were discussing testing and home schooling and teachers, when another friend – who does not yet have children – asked me a question that caught me off guard.

“Let me ask you a question. Will you tell your children they have to go to college?”

My response surprised me almost as much as the question. I told her five – even two – years ago I would have said absolutely. I wouldn’t have hesitated. Yet, here I was hesitating and giving a different answer.

“I don’t know.”

First and foremost, I worry I will not be able to afford it. I recently used an online calculator to determine how much my husband and I need to be saving in order to pay for our children’s college education.

WHAT!?!

$612 a month for Griffin. $607 for Amos.

I’m sorry. I need to save $1,100 A MONTH to send my children to college almost twenty years from now?!? That is insanity.

I don’t know many people who have an extra $1,000 every month to dedicate to college savings.  In fact, the reason my family doesn’t have extra income is related to why I am hesitant to recommend college to my children.

Our extra income goes to student loans (and health insurance – a post for another time!). Between my husband and I, we have almost a mortgage payment every month in student loans from law school. In fact, if we continue to make minimum payments, we will still be paying on these loans when our children begin looking at colleges.

This is an insanely depressing thought.

I do not want my children saddled with that kind of debt. I cannot stomach the thought of my boys starting adulthood owing thousands of dollars in student loan payments.

I took out those loans. I made the decisions and I made them at an older and more informed age than most. However, I can't honestly tell you I understood the full impact of my decision. When I was signing those papers, I read the numbers and I understood them logically but how does a 21-year-old truly comprehend the impact of six-digits in debt.

No one lied to me, but no one was telling me the full truth either. 

Clearly, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Recently, I posted an interview with Mike Rowe who has started a movement to promote the idea that college is not the right choice for everyone. He advocates avoiding debt and promoting good old-fashioned hard work. His position was praised by both my most liberal and most conservative readers.

Post by bluegrass redhead.

We all know that this system does not serve the next generation. In fact, there is increasing evidence that this system is not only inefficient but might even be corrupt.

However, I believe my hesitation to recommend college goes well beyond my reservations about the cost. I loved college. I loved law school. I learned to think. I learned to analyze. I learned to write. I learned skills I use every day. I met people who have changed my life.

And yet…

I now work in a field that didn’t even exist when I went to college. I couldn’t have majored in social media marketing in 1999. The world we live in and the economy that runs it change too quickly for the education system to keep up with it. We all know the stories of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropping out of college. Heck, the kid who just sold Tumbr for $1.1 billion dollars dropped out of high school!

Of course, the problem is that as college educations have become more expensive and perhaps less valuable, a degree has seemingly become indispensable. A college degree is now seen as “the new high school diploma.” I know that if my children do not have a college degree there would be entire career paths off limits to them.

This difficult disconnect is the source of my indecision. I cannot in good conscience tell my children to pursue at a degree at all costs. I also cannot in good conscience tell my children they don’t really need a college degree either.

Maybe the answer is delaying college. Few are the freshmen who can handle unfettered access to alcohol much less who can handle deciding the course of their entire lives. Choosing classes. Picking a major. Starting down a road that doesn’t end until your mid-20s when you STILL might not know what you really enjoy doing.  

I don’t want that for my kids. I hope they find work they love. I hope they develop skills that make them happy. I hope those passions present themselves at 10 or 15. If they don’t, if the journey to discovering their proper path takes a bit longer, that’s ok.

And if that journey doesn't include college...maybe that's ok, too.  

What about you? Do you think college is a requirement?

Update: I'm embedding the discussion happening on my personal Facebook page about this post because there are so many insightful things being said. 

Post by Sarah Stewart Holland.

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Geocaching for Beginners

 Over fall break, my family developed a new obsession. We began geocaching and now that we've started we can't stop! I wanted to share our new hobby with all of you.

What is geocaching? 

Basically, it's a real live treasure hunt  happening all over the world. Containers ranging in size from a large bucket to a tiny test tube are hidden by geocachers in every possible geographic area. (Over two million of them!) You sign up online or download geocaching.com's app, get the GPS coordinates, and go find the treasure!

What do you do once you find them? 

Well, every cache - no matter how small - has a log so you always sign your name in the log and record your find online or on the app. However, the bigger caches have "treasures" inside - usually cheap plastic toys that my kids get VERY excited about.   You take a toy. You leave a toy. Then, you put the cache back where you found it.

Why would I want to do this? 

Because it's FUN!!! Seriously, I wasn't sold at first either. My brother-in-law has been geocaching for a while and I never quite got it. Then, over fall break, the national parks were shut down and I wanted something do outside with the boys. You can only take so many walks so I thought I'd give it a try.  

We actually didn't find the first one we were looking for but I decided to give it one more try and I can't describe the rush of finding our first cache. Griffin was SO excited. (Seriously, you cannot fake the look of glee in the photo above!) We went on to find three more that day and found one every day for a straight week. 

It truly is the best of free family fun. You're outside. You're working together. You're exploring places you haven't been before or might not have gone otherwise. You're spending good quality time together as a family. What more could you possibly ask for? 

 Is that all there is to it?

Ummmm.... NO. Holy mess, there is like an entire universe of geocaching knowledge. You've got geocoins and caching puzzles and pocket queries. Trust me, it gets intense. However, this post is for beginners and to begin you need not get overwhelmed. You only need the app or a few GPS coordinates from the website to be on your way to some serious family fun!

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Guest Post: 5 ways to prepare your children for the unthinkable

 Due to events in my own life, I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about how my children would cope if I were to pass away suddenly. It's an incredibly difficult thing to think about but I know no better person than my friend Emily to tackle this tough subject.  

Recently, I posted a rant on Facebook. I had read several sugary-sweet posts in the mom-to-baby vein wherein the parent promised to be there for the child through everything from the first day of school to the bad high school haircut.  These posts, and presumably the parents who write them, are idealistic bordering on delusional.  

It is a hard reality that many parents will not be there for their children—something health-related or financial could happen to jeopardize that storybook ending.

Approximately 1 in 20 children under age 15 will lose one or both parents.  As many as 1 in 7 will lose a parent before age 20.  Some websites had the stats even higher.  Furthermore, these statistics do not account for dealing with an accident or disease not resulting in death.  

I don’t need statistics to tell me how devastating the loss of parents is.  

Emily with her mother, who passed away when she was 27. 

I am an orphan and an only child.  My father died of cancer when I was 12 (he was 43). My mother died of cancer when I was 27 (she was 57).  Here is the point in the conversation where you will ask, “Oh my goodness, have you gotten yourself checked? Do you make sure to eat healthy and exercise?  Do you have other family close by?”  

Stop that.  Re-frame this conversation right now.  

Start asking me the questions like, “How did your parents prepare you to make it all on your own?”  “How did your single mom send you to a private college and a top-fifteen law school with minimal debt?”  “How do you raise two kids, work, and keep a happy house and a happy husband with no family in a seventy-five mile radius?”  

My mom did it and I continue to do it by being practical.  

Emily with her son Carter. 

Here is my advice for how to prepare your children the way my parents prepared me.  

• Have your house in order. Make a will; make provisions for who will care for your children.  This is a no-brainer and should be mandatory before leaving the hospital with a newborn.  Make sure everyone knows about it and understands the plan.  Give the future custodian a copy of the will and make sure they understand your finances or are known to your financial planner and/or accountant.  

• Have your finances in order.  Do not under any circumstances think that you are making your family’s life better by making yourself house-poor.  The money saved on an extra bedroom/media room/keeping-up-with-the-Jones’ room might mean the difference in your child’s educational future.  If your children lose a parent and then lose their house you have planned incredibly poorly.

  Furthermore, make sure all of your financial instruments reflect the correct beneficiaries.  Make sure that the 401(k) you had before you married and had babies doesn’t still pass to your sister.  Make sure that your partner knows about all of your assets/accounts.  If you try to split up your finances (I have no clue how folks do this), make a list of what bills are paid by each account and their due dates, because, depending on how your accounts are set up, the surviving person may not be able to access the account of the deceased individual.  It took months before I could withdraw the money from my mother’s account when she died.  I had to pay her house payment, car payment and other bills directly from my own pocket until the estate was settled.  Luckily, I had money set aside for an emergency.  Your house payment doesn’t wait for you to get your life back together after a loss.  

• Have your memories in order.  Want to make sure that your children remember you— then make traditions.  Do the same activities each year.  Make a big deal about them and make sure that your partner knows how to re-create these memories after you are gone.  Try new things too, but the smallest thing can call back a memory of a parent, something as small as the same beach towel, or the same cucumber water on a hike.  They can grab those things and feel like you are there.  Take lots of pictures, and make sure you are in them.  I have precious few pictures of my mom and me together and even less of me with my dad. Participate in family story-telling.  My husband is a master at this part.  As you are driving just start a conversation, “Hey do you remember...”  It’s so fantastic to hear your children’s voices in the re-telling.  

• Have your lessons in order.  Want to pass along life lessons, family history, or just general advice to your kids, write them down.  Your kids will be starving for any piece of you after you are gone and seeing your handwritten words may make all the difference.  I have my mom’s recipes and also her phone book.  I also have the book that she took notes in while planning my wedding.  I’m pretty sure that I’d rather have that book and her words than her jewelry.   

• Have yourself in order.  This is by far the most important tip.  You need to lead by example.  When confronted by an obstacle, never let your children see you wringing your hands, worrying, or confused.  Do that on your own time.  When my father died my mom exuded supreme confidence.  I’m not saying that she didn’t cry, you can certainly show emotion in front of your kids, but you cannot show indecision.  Show them how you make a plan and how you execute it.  Talk to your kids about problems and the process that you use to solve them.  As I grew up my mom would show me how she handled her finances and the importance of saving for the future   She showed me that you can have what you want if you plan. If you teach your children the confidence that comes with problem-solving, they can conquer anything.  

Emily is a 2004 graduate of Vanderbilt University Law School and a Prosecutor in Louisville, Kentucky. She is also a wife and mother am of two boys, John, 5 years and Carter, 10 months. 

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