Things I Don't Do
The Happiest Mom recently wrote a fantastic post on the things she doesn't do as a mom. Blogs and social media are both wonderful inventions that give us an outlet and sense of community. We can log on and share all the things we are doing. Unfortunately, sometimes that translates into pressure to DO even more.
In the spirit of "everyone take a deep breath and calm the hell down," I'm going to share a list of what I do NOT do. (I do love lists as we know.)
Things I don't do (and don't care to do):
1. Clean my floors. Sounds gross. I know. But hear me out. My kitchen floor is right off my garage so it sees a lot of traffic. My husband cooks every night so it also sees a lot of grease and grime. Last week, we literally got down on our hands and knees and scrubbed it with OxiClean. Two days later, the bottoms of my feet were black again after walking on it. I've been at war with this floor for two years and I'm ready to admit defeat.
2. Garden. I want to have a gorgeous landscaped yard. I want to compost and have my own vegetable garden. However, I have accepted the reality that it is just not going to happen. I have two small children. Hello! I can barely take care of the inside of my house! (See #1.) There is a reason retirees have the best lawns. It's because they are the only ones with time to tend to them.
3. Play with my kids. Again, sounds terrible but hear me out. I don't really like trains or cars or blocks. Plus, Griffin doesn't really want me to play with him. Whenever I have grand designs of an afternoon of play time, he always wants me to just sit there andwatch him play. I've found the really special moments are when we are just spending time together and stumble across something we both enjoy doing...like dancing or watching Teen Mom. Just kidding!
Sort of...
4. Scrapbook. I love memory keeping. I love pictures. I love journaling. But when it comes to traditional scrapbooking, I'll pass. My children don't have beautiful books chronicling their first years. Instead, I use sites like Moment Garden and projects like A Week in the Life to capture all those special memories without a fortune spent on stickers and die cuts.
5. Cook. My husband cooks. Enough said.
Things I don't do but would like to:
1. Sew. My mother and grandmother are master seamstresses. I own a high quality sewing machine, which my grandmother fixed up for me. Yet, I still can't get my act together. I'm so crafty in other ways. I knit. I crochet. I think if I really knew how to sew I would be unstoppable.
2. Bike. I see people biking around town and it looks so fun and relaxing. Alas, I have no bicycle, which seems pretty essential.
3. Camp. I am married to a dang Eagle Scout! Doesn't it seem like I should be camping every weekend? Well, apparently, Eagle Scouts are camping snobs. According to Nicholas, it's not "camping" unless you hike for miles into the middle of nowhere with pounds of gear on you back. Call me crazy but that doesn't quite seem feasible with a two-year-old.
4. Date Night. I'd say we average one date night a month. With all the free babysitting available to us, that's a disgrace.
5. Volunteering. I want my boys to grow up doing for those less fortunate than themselves. I have big plans to volunteer at local charities (especially around the holidays) but I can't quite get my act together. I do better when I'm part of a volunteer organization. Luckily, I just joined our local Charity League so hopefully I can make this a thing I DO do soon.
What's on y'all's Don't Do lists? Things you wish you did? Things you're glad you don't?
This post was originally published on Salt & Nectar.
In Defense of the Summer List
“But when you think about it, summer break is really pretty short. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to fill so little time with so much activity?... a neatly checked-off “summer bucket list” isn’t a requirement of being a good mom.”
On the one hand, I agree. Of course, one doesn’t need a summer list to have a season filled with sunshine and happy memories.
However...
I have a summer list and I love it.
Spray park - CHECK!
I made it at the beginning of May, printed it out, and hung it in our kitchen. Over the past few months, we’ve been slowly checking one activity off after the other.
I won’t lie and say I feel no pressure to complete the list. I’m a completist from way back. Lists keep me motivated. Lists keep me focused. If too many days pass filled with Sesame Street and errands, my summer list reminds me that these warm, wonderful days are in short supply and we better make the most of them.
My summer list is a good mix of simple pleasures and the special experiences that make a summer. Plus, I leave lots of wiggle room. I’m not sure if we’ll make it to the zoo but the Nature Station at Land between the Lakes is just as good. Check! We made it downtown for the Saturday night street fair...even if we got rained out minutes later. Check!
Sandcastle - CHECK!
It's not even just about my kids. I've been wanting to take a canoe trip with my husband forever. I'd see the trips on the LBL calendar and think, "I want to do that!" Then, I put it on the list and it was NOT going unchecked. We went on a canoe trip over Memorial Day weekend. Just us. It had been so long since we did an "activity" - not just dinner and a movie - together. We had a blast and I have the summer list to thank.
The best part is I’ve noticed the list has motivated our friends and family. People constantly ask me how the summer list is coming. A close friend printed out a list of her own. Several family members have commented that they love to see us check items off via Instagram and Facebook.
Canoe Trip - CHECK!
My favorite moment came when my in-law’s came for a visit. My mother-in-law brought water balloons because they wanted to be a part of the summer list - which contains a now checked off “Water balloon toss”. Maybe she would have brought the water balloons anyway but I loved that the list was a big part in creating a very special memory for everyone.
The summer list is only a source of positivity - not pressure. (Click to tweet.) There will be no penalties if items go unchecked. The list is for us and no one else.
And there will definitely be another one next summer.
Do you have a summer list? If so, is it a source of pressure or positivity?
My Most Popular Parenting Posts of the Year
I had a plan to post my favorite or most popular post of the year but I was having trouble choosing just one. THEN, I realized it's my blog and I don't have to! So, here are several of my most popular parenting posts of the year.
Parenting is a never-ending source of fascination, frustration, and inspiration for me. We all hold strong opinions on parenting because there is so much at stake! This is one of my favorite topics to write about and, if the numbers are any indication, your favorite topic to read about as well!
Click any photo to be taken to the post.
Safety, risk, and leaving children unattended
Earlier this week, Salon published a personal essay by Kim Brooks entitled ”The day I left my son in the car”. Almost immediately, I had friends sharing the article with me on Facebook.
The description read, “I made a split-second decision to run into the store. I had no idea it would consume the next years of my life.” When I first read that, I assumed the article would be another scary story about how one small decision as a parent can leave your child injured or worse.
Nope. Brooks left her 4-year-old son in the car while she ran into buy headphones and when she returned a few minutes later her son was perfectly fine. The reason that decision changed her life was because a bystander filmed her leaving her son in the car and then turned her into the police. As a result, she spent the next two years in court and had to do 100 hours of community service and take parenting classes.
First, let me be clear. I have left my children in the car. I don’t know if it qualifies as unattended because my rule is I have to see the van the entire time, but I’ve done it. (I don’t do it anymore because Griffin can now get out of his seat and a child in a car seat is a very different thing than a child loose in the vehicle.) In fact, I’d be lying if I said I haven't done it a few times when I can’t see the van.
Not only have I done it but I refuse to make excuses about why I did it and the reason is simple. I don’t think I did anything wrong and I don’t think Brooks did anything wrong either.
Earlier this week, Salon published a personal essay by Kim Brooks entitled ”The day I left my son in the car”. Almost immediately, I had friends sharing the article with me on Facebook.
The description read, “I made a split-second decision to run into the store. I had no idea it would consume the next years of my life.” When I first read that, I assumed the article would be another scary story about how one small decision as a parent can leave your child injured or worse.
Nope. Brooks left her 4-year-old son in the car while she ran into buy headphones and when she returned a few minutes later her son was perfectly fine. The reason that decision changed her life was because a bystander filmed her leaving her son in the car and then turned her into the police. As a result, she spent the next two years in court and had to do 100 hours of community service and take parenting classes.
First, let me be clear. I have left my children in the car. I don’t know if it qualifies as unattended because my rule is I have to see the van the entire time, but I’ve done it. (I don’t do it anymore because Griffin can now get out of his seat and a child in a car seat is a very different thing than a child loose in the vehicle.) In fact, I’d be lying if I said I haven't done it a few times when I can’t see the van.
Not only have I done it but I refuse to make excuses about why I did it and the reason is simple. I don’t think I did anything wrong and I don’t think Brooks did anything wrong either.
In trying to decide for herself if she did anything “wrong,” Brooks decides to seek out Lenore Skenazy – the infamous Free Range mom who let her 9-year-old ride the New York City Subway unattended. Skenazy’s quote is my favorite part of Brooks entire essay.
Later on in the conversation, Skenazy boils it down to this. “There’s been this huge cultural shift. We now live in a society where most people believe a child can not be out of your sight for one second, where people think children need constant, total adult supervision. This shift is not rooted in fact. It’s not rooted in any true change. It’s imaginary. It’s rooted in irrational fear.”
This goes to the heart of not only Brooks’ situation but also my post on why I hate public playgrounds. Let me be as clear as I can. I do not believe that my children can not be out of my sight for a single second.
Period.
No one – and I mean NO ONE – cares more about those children and their safety then I do. The idea that because I don’t do what other people have defined as “safe” that I don’t care about their safety INFURIATES me.
First and foremost, “safe” is a societal construct. It is a subjective idea based on the amount of risk involved in a behavior and what we as a society define as too much risk. Drinking and driving is considered unsafe because there is a large amount of risk involved with that behavior. However, the presence of ANY risk at all does not define a behavior as unsafe. As Skenazy points out, the riskiest behavior Brooks engages in statistically is driving her child to the store – not leaving him in the car. It is far more likely that she would be involved in a traffic accident than something would happen to her child while he was in the car unattended.
The idea that how much risk is too much is an objective truth out there for anyone to see is ludicrous. As Brooks points out, previous generations of parents engaged in behavior that is now considered “unsafe” from stomach sleeping to seat belts and no one would dare assert that those parents cares less about their children’s safety than parents today.
Now, an increase in knowledge and information has exposed more risk involved with some of these behaviors of which previous generations weren’t aware. As we know better we do better and that is a good thing. But we’re not just talking about our parents who didn’t know any better. Safety is not only defined differently across generations but across the globe.
Parents in Norway leave their infants unattended to nap outside in sub-zero temperatures because they believe the cold air is good for them. In Japan, first graders commute to school in groups unattended. Across Europe, parents “park” their children outside restaurants and shops while they go inside to run errands or eat a peaceful meal. Do these parents love their children less than American parents? I don't think so.
So, the idea that the decisions you make are “unsafe” is ridiculous because how you and I define safety could be completely different. What is an unacceptable amount of risk to you might be tolerable for me. Should we as a society step-in and protect children whose parents exhibit a reckless disregard for their child’s safety? Of course, I just think we have to be VERY careful about what type of behavior we define as showing such a reckless disregard.
Truthfully, it is the decision to film Brooks and turn her in that I find abhorrent.
What it says to me is that the person filming Brooks believed they cared more for the safety of her son than she did, which is not only self-righteous but also incredibly short-sighted. On the most basic level, being involved in our legal system is expensive, time-consuming, and incredibly stressful. What if Brooks didn’t have help with her legal bills? What if she didn’t have a good lawyer? What if she had gone to jail?
Would her child be “safer” without her there at all?
It also speaks to a complete and total lack of empathy. Instead of deciding Brooks was a bad mother in need of police intervention, what if this stranger had merely stood guard to reduce any perceived risks and went on their merry way? Instead of deciding that Brooks was the enemy, what if this person had decided that Brooks was just as invested in the safety of her son as they were?
I have often advocated for more “judgment” of parenting decisions. I think we are all better off when we approach child-rearing as a community endeavor. When other parents feel free to share lessons learned, I think children and other parents benefit. If this person had a personal experience with leaving a child unattended, then why not share it?
In fact, if you totally disagree with me and had to learn the hard way that leaving a child in a car unattended is riskier than I think, please share your story with me.
I am not saying I am the only one who knows what is safe and what isn’t. I’m just saying at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I care deeply about the safety of my child and deserve a chance to learn.
Kim Brooks deserved that chance. We all do.
What do you think? Was Kim Brooks way out of line or did the person who turned her in cross the line?
We're having a great discussion on Facebook!
Post Note: I do want to point out something a good friend of mine pointed out which is how quickly a car can overheat. So, even if you come home and the baby is asleep and you think "I'll just put some things away.." the baby could quickly overheat in a hot car. If it is even the slightest bit hot, better safe than sorry. Read more here: You'd Never Forget Your Child Right.
Why I hate public playgrounds
Let’s have a chat about public playgrounds shall we?
A year or so ago Paducah FINALLY got one of those awesome indoor playgrounds in our mall. Lined with comfy seats and filled with padded playground equipment it is perfect for a rainy day when the kids need to jump and play and Mommy needs to sit and drink her latte.
When they first started building it, I couldn’t WAIT for it to open and we would go a couple of times a month – more in the winter months when outside play really isn’t an option. I absolutely loved it. Despite the hand sanitizer stations (which I loathe), the playground is well-designed for me to sit and read while keeping an eye on the boys.
However, recently I’ve come to dread going to the playground.
It all started a couple of months ago. I saw Amos and a little girl about his age wagging their fingers in each other’s faces. She seemed to be giving as good as she got so I didn’t worry too much about it. Next thing I know the little girl’s father is standing over me.
Let’s have a chat about public playgrounds shall we?
A year or so ago Paducah FINALLY got one of those awesome indoor playgrounds in our mall. Lined with comfy seats and filled with padded playground equipment it is perfect for a rainy day when the kids need to jump and play and Mommy needs to sit and drink her latte.
When they first started building it, I couldn’t WAIT for it to open and we would go a couple of times a month – more in the winter months when outside play really isn’t an option. I absolutely loved it. Despite the hand sanitizer stations (which I loathe), the playground is well-designed for me to sit and read while keeping an eye on the boys.
However, recently I’ve come to dread going to the playground.
It all started a couple of months ago. I saw Amos and a little girl about his age wagging their fingers in each other’s faces. She seemed to be giving as good as she got so I didn’t worry too much about it. Next thing I know the little girl’s father is standing over me.
“If you can’t control him, you really should leave the playground!”
“Excuse me?” I replied, shocked.
I told him I’d seen them arguing but she seemed to be ok. He told me Amos had pushed his daughter to the ground.
To which I responded – after apologizing of course, “Well, he is two.”
“So is she!” he spat.
I was stunned. I couldn’t believe I was being shamed for having a toddler who pushed. I thought pushing was a prerequisite to being a toddler. It’s not that it’s not behavior I don’t correct. Amos has spent so much time in time out for pushing and hitting he could have written Moby Dick by now.
But here’s the difference – I try to TEACH my children not to push. I don’t try to STOP them from ever pushing.
And that’s what wears me out about the playground. There seems to be two camps – parents who hover over their children the entire time desperately trying to prevent every fall or bad decision. Or they eagle eye the kids the entire time and yell and nag and generally over-instruct every minute of play.
The other camp let’s their children run and jump and yell and go the wrong way up the slide and get into it with other kids – only stepping in when a child is in danger or needs a time out.
Guess which camp I’m in?
I’ve written before that I am a mother – not an aviator. I’m not a helicopter parent and I don’t hover. If I constantly scoop Amos up every time he tries something the slightest bit dangerous, how will he ever learn to push himself? How will he ever learn how far is too far? If I constantly stop Griffin before he says or does something that might upset another child, how will he learn to be an empathetic person much less a good friend?
I won't say it's always easy, especially when my child is on the receiving end of a push or bullying statement. However, I remind myself that kids are just kids and I rarely blame the parent. Because to me the alternative is so much worse.
What I hate about the playground is I feel bullied into hovering like helicopter. I feel the judgment when I settle into one of the benches with a good book. I feel the sideways glances when Griffin or Amos do what kids sometimes do which is not act like adults every second of every minute of every hour.
It’s exhausting, which is why I sometimes act like a thirsty man in the desert when another mom from my camp arrives. The other day Griffin knocked a little boy down for yelling at Amos. I could feel my stomach knotting up as I looked to the little boy’s mother with my most apologetic face and said I was SO sorry.
She laughed. “He’s got big brothers of his own. He can defend himself. They’ll work it out.”
I almost kissed her.
After all, I come to the playground to let my kids be kids and have a few seconds when I’m not constantly caregiving or cooking or cleaning up.
If I can’t find that at a public playground, where can I go?
What are your thoughts on public playground etiquette? Should I be hovering a little more?
There's a great discussion happening on my Facebook post if you want to check it out!
Things I don't do
Three years ago, I wrote a post on Salt & Nectar sharing the tasks I don’t do as a mom. I was relieving myself of the guilt by announcing to the world “I don’t do these things and I don’t feel bad about it!” At the time, my list included cleaning my kitchen floors (because really that is a Sisyphean task if there ever was one), gardening, cooking, playing with my kids, and scrapbooking.
The list has largely remained the same. I still don’t clean my floors. I still don’t scrapbook or cook. I still don’t play with my kids. I have taken up yard work AND composting thanks to the generous help of family friends and a partnership with Ryobi (posts on that to come!). However, overall, I continue to NOT do those things and have added to the list since adding another kid and a growing business to my life.
So, here’s my UPDATED things I don’t do list.
Three years ago, I wrote a post on Salt & Nectar sharing the tasks I don’t do as a mom. I was relieving myself of the guilt by announcing to the world “I don’t do these things and I don’t feel bad about it!” At the time, my list included cleaning my kitchen floors (because really that is a Sisyphean task if there ever was one), gardening, cooking, playing with my kids, and scrapbooking.
The list has largely remained the same. I still don’t clean my floors. I still don’t scrapbook or cook. I still don’t play with my kids. I have taken up yard work AND composting thanks to the generous help of family friends and a partnership with Ryobi (posts on that to come!). However, overall, I continue to NOT do those things and have added to the list since adding another kid and a growing business to my life.
So, here’s my UPDATED things I don’t do list.
Watch TV.
When Nicholas lost his job, we cancelled our cable. We have a Roku box through which we can stream content on Netflix, Amazon, and HBO Go. We also get broadcast television and whatever content we can access on online, but no more cable.
Gone are long afternoons spent watching whatever the heck happened to be on TLC or HGTV. No more Real Housewives or Sister Wives or wives of any sort. It’s just too much work to hunt down crappy reality shows for a few moments of vegging out.
Now, do I still veg out by binge-watching series (Come back Orange is the New Black!)? HECK YEAH! But at least now there’s an end in sight with every binge.
I also still watch one to two shows live. Right now, I’m watching Mad Men and Game of Thrones. That’s it.
I went from watching several hours of television a DAY to one or two hours a WEEK.
Beauty Routines
It’s become my newest obsession. What else can I eliminate from my daily (or weekly or monthly routine) to save time and money?
Pedicures were the first to go. Last summer, I just decided my toes were going bare. No more finding time for an appointment. No more arguing with Nicholas over why it was money well spent. My friend suggested I paint my own but here’s what I discovered. I don’t care that much (unless it's a family event of course).
The sand felt just as good between my toes without polish.
Next up? Eyebrow maintenance. I’d already moved past waxing but had been going every couple weeks to have my eyebrows threaded. It was another item on my to do list. Another thing to spend money on.
So, I just stopped. I pluck occasionally but overall I’ve just let them grow. Amazingly, my husband still finds me attractive and no one has thrown rotten food at my face in disgust.
My latest elimination was blow-drying. I haven’t blown dry my hair in two years. Now, this is thanks in part to the bangs. And let me clear, the bangs get blow dried, but that takes 45 seconds not 30 minutes. My hair gets braided while it air dries during both winter and summer.
Do I get more compliments after getting my hair cut, when it is styled to the max? Yep. Do I care enough to add back in another half an hour to my routine? NOPE.
The best part is taking some things off the list has made room for others.
In the previous post, I talked about things I’d like to do in the future and I’ve actually made some progress! Sure, I haven’t learned to sew or bought a bicycle but we have camped (once but it counts!).
More importantly, I’ve joined the Charity League of Paducah and the board of the Oscar Cross Boys and Girls Club of Paducah. Volunteering my time with these two organizations has been immensely rewarding on so many levels and made me miss the reality shows and pedicures even less!
What have you eliminated from your life recently? What DON’T you do?
TEN Outdoor Games in 15 minutes or less!
This week is National Backyard Games Week. It's been GORGEOUS here in Kentucky and is supposed to remain gorgeous the rest of this week. That means there's no excuse not to get outside and have a little fun. Not to mention, things have been a smidge serious around these parts and we (as in the kids AND adults) could use a little silly.
I went and rounded up some awesome backyard games that involve MINIMAL effort (I'm looking disapprovingly at you giant Jenga/Chess/Checkers sets).
So, go outside, engage your competitive side, and have some fun!
This week is National Backyard Games Week. It's been GORGEOUS here in Kentucky and is supposed to remain gorgeous the rest of this week. That means there's no excuse not to get outside and have a little fun. Not to mention, things have been a smidge serious around these parts and we (as in the kids AND adults) could use a little silly.
I went and rounded up some awesome backyard games that involve MINIMAL effort (I'm looking disapprovingly at you giant Jenga/Chess/Checkers sets).
So, go outside, engage your competitive side, and have some fun!
Courtesy of you+me
Courtesy of Landee
Courtesy of Where Do We Find The Time?
Courtesy of All for the Boys.
Courtesy of Motherhood on a Dime.
Courtesy of The Taylor House.
Courtesy of She Speaks.
Courtesy of Mess for Less.
And don't forget to channel your inner Field Day participant and play the classics like sack race, wheelbarrow race, and the 3-legged race
"I'm your mother, not your friend."
I'm on the Huffington Post Parents blog sharing the valuable lessons my mom taught me about parenting.
My mother has told me the story a million times. I was only a couple of days old and asleep in my room. Laying in her own bed, my mother was worried about how quiet I was. What if I had stopped breathing?
Then she decided that if I had died, she would need her rest to deal with it. She rolled over and went back to sleep.
My mother was clear from the beginning. I might have been an important planet, but I was not the entirety of her universe. As an only child and the eldest grandchild, there were many adults in my life that doted on me and catered to my every whim.
My mother was not one of them.
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