Zero Tolerance Parenting

This post originally appeared on Salt + Nectar, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately as I tackle the same decisions with baby #3!

Cloth v. Disposable, Breast v. Formula, Co-sleeping v. Ferberizing...

These are the debates that keep us judging, keep us feeling guilty, keep us up at night. 

I remember reading and researching all these issues while I was pregnant with Griffin. I just knew it was imperative that I pick a side. It felt like sorority rush, once I revealed what jersey I had on there was no going back.

If I was going to breastfeed, I was going to breastfeed. Nothing but the breast for the first year as recommended by the World Health Organization! If I was going to use cloth diapers, then I better decide which brand was best and stock up so I'd never be caught without clean diapers. If I was going to co-sleep, then I pictured my snuggly little baby curled up next to me for the foreseeable future. 

Until I realized, I could do both...or neither...or whatever worked best for me that day.

My "aha!" moment came when Griffin was about two months old. I was reuniting with some high school friends. We had all had babies within the past year so motherhood and the surrounding debates were the main topics of conversation. One friend and I were discussing breastfeeding. She had breastfed both her boys, so I just assumed she was as hardcore as me. Then, she started talking about how much she loved a certain brand of formula. Confused, I asked her what she meant. Didn't she breastfeed?

"Yeah, but if we go out or something, I just leave formula with the babysitter." 

It was like I had been struck by lightening. Deciding to breastfeed didn't mean you couldn't EVER use formula!?! What a revelation! I hadn't signed some parenting contract. I could do what I wanted. It's sad to say, but I honestly hadn't even considered using formula until that moment. 

Suddenly, a world of moderation was opened up to me. I could use cloth diapers unless it was super-inconvenient like when we were traveling. I could Ferberize my six-month-old but still rock him to sleep when he was sick. Everything immediately seemed so much easier without (self-imposed) set-in-stone rules.

I'm not sure where my unyielding attitude towards parenting came from. I should probably blame Supernanny. I watched a lot of Supernanny before I even had kids and the emphasis was always on consistency. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency. However, somewhere along the way consistency became uncompromising perfection. Maybe it's because the stakes are so high. It's another human being we're talking about and no one wants to end up ... well, on Supernanny. 

And consistency is important. Don't get me wrong. Kids are vulnerable. They're shorter than everybody else. They don't really speak the language all that well. It's tough and treating them fairly and consistently makes that easier. In particular, discipline without consistency is just yelling...at least in my experience. 

However, consistency in infant care? Not that important. 

Griffin had formula occasionally — so does Amos. They both seem to have survived. In fact, I'd say they're thriving. More importantly, motherhood felt like a much more manageable task when I had access to the entirety of tools at my disposal. 

The Mommy Race

Recently, a dear friend asked for my advice about a parenting dilemma. Not the Mommy Wars, this is what I’m going to call the Mommy Race (although dads are just as guilty!). It’s that moment every parent has when they feel compelled to engage in a sort of baby one-upmanship. Particularly prominent with first-time parents, an honest pride in baby’s newest milestone suddenly morphs into something a little less pure.

“I have a few mom ‘friends’ whom it seems I’m destined to be stuck with, that are increasingly ramping up behavior that is pretty much equal to, ‘If I see or hear your kid do something then I will make sure that next time you will witness my kid doing it louder and better, and I’ll have proof to share on Facebook so that everybody I know knows it, too.’ ”

Been. There.

Been there on BOTH sides.

Look, babies and toddlers – while a lot of work – are also a wonder to behold. My friend reached out to developmental expert who I think said it best, “There’s a reason why every parent thinks their baby is a genius…because they ARE. Their minds are developing at an amazing pace and it is fascinating to witness.”

They are geniuses and, if you’re experiencing this amazing ability for the first time, it can be something you want to share with the WORLD. I remember feeling like Griffin was really, really special. He said his first sentence at 11 months! He used the word facetious when he was only 2! I just KNEW everyone would be as in awe of him as I was.

So, one some level, I think some of this comes from a really great place. We’re just so DANG proud and we want everyone to know it! 

HOWEVER, there are many, many times when something else is happening completely.

Parenting is an incredibly vulnerable pursuit. Basically, we are putting our own insecurities and ego on display for all the world to see. Not only is this little human LITERALLY a version of us, BUT we are also making decisions every day to shape these little people. It’s our nature AND nurture laid bare for judgment.

“Look, everybody it’s a little version of me! Tell me what you think!”

Whoa. That’s big. That’s a lot, especially in a society that has elevated the act of parenting (at least in theory) to the “MOST important job.” That is a lot of pressure if everything is going well. Should you or your child vary from this highly intense standard then watch out. Do you take your child to day care? Or feed them fast food? Or occasionally raise your voice? Does your child sometimes exhibit something other than perfect cheerfulness all the time? Or - God forbid - have an actual delay or disability?

Prepare yourself to crash headfirst into that societal wall of expectation. It hurts and, if we're being honest, it doesn't always bring out the best in us. 

So, we feel vulnerable and then we compete and we judge and we criticize. Let's hand the mic to my most favorite of favorites Brené Brown shall we?

“Ironically, parenting is a shame and judgment minefield precisely because most of us are wading through uncertainty and self-doubt when it comes to raising our children”

— Brené Brown

We all need to stop and just take a breath. With a few exceptions, we all want what is best for our children and we are ALL wondering if what we're doing actually IS the best thing. And that's ok. We're going to screw it up. It's the human tradition to screw up raising your kids in some form or fashion! We're in good company.

Plus, even when we are doing it right, this is not a zero sum game. There is plenty of love and growth and success to go around for all of or children.

Tell the voice in your head insisting YOU are right and THEY are wrong to calm down.

My voice gets loud about extracurricular activities right now. I hear other parents talking about all the cool stuff their kids are doing and I worry I'm making the wrong choice for mine. What if Griffin decides in second grade he wants to play baseball? Will it be too late because I didn't sign him up for t-ball? Will Amos lose his interest in music because I don't take him to music lessons once a week? Will NO ONE get into college!?!?

I feel myself defensively insisting to any parent that will listen that that evenings are important and they are ... FOR MY FAMILY. Perhaps those families have their best discussions in the car or when a parent isn't stressed by cooking dinner - maybe they all eat breakfast together - I don't know!

And that's the point.

As, Kacey Musgraves so eloquently puts it in my new theme song, "I don't know about the rock in your shoe." But I DO know we all have a rock and pointing out the size of their rock doesn't actually make mine smaller.

And - rock or no - there might be a destination but there is no actual race. So, we can all keep hobbling along at our own pace and pray the smooth paths are long and the rocky patches are short.

The Last Baby

Y’all. I’m falling so hard for this baby.

Even with the middle-of-the-night feedings, I’m still completely enamored with him. I’ve always loved my babies when they reach this age. 

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE newborns, but it’s mostly because they are so soft and cuddly and sleepy. However, then the newness sort of wears off and you’re stuck with this completely dependent being who is just trying to figure out how to be a human and is more than a little bit frustrated by the task.

Then, the skies clear. 

They start sitting up and LAUGHING and eating solid foods and being particularly fond of YOU - the momma.

I just love it, but it’s more than even that.

I think I’m falling so hard for Felix because I know he’s my last. With time and space, I’m realizing the difference between sadness over the end of something and the longing for it not to be over.

I’m so so sad at the thought of being done having babies. I am. I’m sad that this completely defining phase of my life is coming to an end. Becoming a mother has made me feel more myself than any other experience of my life. For so long, everything else felt like rehearsal for real life. Then, Griffin was placed in my arms and it felt like the real show had begun. 

I’m still sad I won’t have a girl. I’m sad I won’t be the person people ask any more about baby products or sleep training or breastfeeding.  I’m sad to be saying goodbye to the intense intimacy of caring for an infant. 

However, with careful reflection, I’m realizing I don’t really want to do it again either. 

Everything beautiful must come to an end and, even if I had another baby or even a daughter, nothing would change the fact that this a temporary gig. And, as hard as it is to think about, I’m ready to start moving forward into the next phase.

Of course, everything worth doing is always mixed up with hard, sad emotions. That’s what makes it special and this is no different. Acknowledging to myself that Felix is my last baby has made every moment so much more precious.

With Griffin and Amos, I was so insistent that Nicholas and I share all the tasks equally. We took turns at bedtime and diaper changes and feedings. Now, I find myself gladly taking over Felix’s bedtime. I hold him close and I smell his head and I try desperately hard to store away forever how he looks up at me with those big eyes or how he buries his head in my chest or how he sighs when I start to sing our special lullaby. 

These moments are so fragile and wonderful ... and finite. 

The Secret to my STRESS-FREE Holiday Season

This is a guest post by my dear friend Jessica on an exciting co-venture we're launching!

When it comes to parenting, I get quite a bit wrong. My kid eats mostly sugary food for breakfast. He asks for dessert after EVERY meal. Last year, I handmade pretty awesome “Camp Ryan” birthday invitations (complete with old maps cut and folded into envelopes) and then forgot to mail them. And recently, I tried teaching him that if you’re smart, you should probably find other ways to express yourself other than using adult words (i.e. profanity); so now whenever he hears a four letter word, he blurts out, “Mom! That person isn’t smart.” 

Oh geez.

I realize these aren’t exactly end-of-the-world parenting failures, but they’re not necessarily things I’m proud of or like to publicly acknowledge. 

Luckily, there are a handful of things I seem to get right. Planning for a memorable and less stressful holiday season is one of those things. My type-A personality combined with a history of infertility fuels my passion for ensuring we wring every drop of magic and excitement out of Christmas.

While there wasn’t anything specific that happened, I just remember being very frustrated that the joy of the holidays continually lost out to the rush and stress of this busy season. My initial plan was to cut back. For two years, my husband and I didn’t exchange gifts. Then, I didn’t host any holiday meals or get togethers. Maybe we saved some money and a little bit of frustration, but ultimately, cutting out items moved me even further away from any Christmas joy.

A few years into cutting back, nothing seemed familiar. 

Then, several years ago, I started planning ahead. On the 25th of every month starting in August, I sit down for a few hours and plan out our holiday season. The first year or two were time-consuming; figuring out what needed to be done and how I wanted to spend our time wasn’t easy. I also worried that focusing on Christmas so early in the year might actually ruin things. After all, part of what makes Christmas special is that it only happens once a year for a short period of time. 

Truth be told, this organization is what brought the joy back into Christmas. 

The main reason is obvious: planning ahead spreads out the tasks and expenses. So, many of the essential tasks necessary to pull off a memorable holiday can be done well in advance. There’s no reason why I can’t update mailing addresses, purchase stamps and print labels for our Christmas cards in early November. These annual snail-mail gifts of friendship were likely the next task on the chopping block if I couldn’t find a way to tackle the holidays so I started with them. 

What began with organizing the Christmas card process quickly turned into managing other tasks: toys are purged in October; menus, recipes, and decor for holiday gatherings are finalized by early November; and gifts are purchased and recorded on a list all throughout the year.

An unexpected benefit has been that our family actually adds events to the calendar now. While we’re still establishing a few annual traditions, the planning enables us to more easily accommodate last minute invitations or visit exhibitions that may only be available this year.

Last year alone, we hosted an Elf Party, attended the Garden Glow at the Missouri Botanical Gardens, and I gifted my husband with 12 days of craft beer. Each of these experiences were only possible because I planned ahead and ensured the routine and repetitive tasks were done well before December. 

I focus on tasks now and enjoy experiences later.

My worry about ruining Christmas by focusing on it too early was unfounded and the reality has been that I very much relish the anticipation of December because there are so many events and memories to be enjoyed. 

Last year, several friends asked me to help them develop their own holiday planning process. Knowing how I was able to turn around our own holiday experience, I was confident I could help others do the same. Seeing the nearly 50 other individuals post about their planning successes was incredibly rewarding. Their organization throughout the fall months paid off in spades come December and seeing their “sitting by the fire, sipping hot cocoa and watching The Christmas Story with my family” posts solidify that this process works.

Their monthly to-do lists varied drastically, but the end result was the same: a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday season. 

It can work for you, too. Sarah and I have worked together to offer a special Christmas Comes Early online course!  

The course offers planning and organization assistance, short video lessons with ideas to help establish your own planning routines, and accountability to ensure you’re doing things which are important to you. We also have a short survey so we know how best to help YOU and an active Facebook group where you can go for ideas and support!

We're offering an early bird pricing of only $10 before the course begins on AUGUST 25TH!

So, sign up and PLAN NOW FOR JOY LATER!

The Marshmallow Test: The Amos Version

In the late 1960's, psychologist Walter Mischel led several experiments on delayed gratification involving four year olds and a bunch of marshmallows. The premise is simple and I explain at the beginning of the video.

The characteristic these experiments test - basically self-control - has been to be a fundamental predictor of success in life. I've always said I'm going to test all my children in when they reach four years old - not because I want to see how successful they will be as adults, after all to think one can truly predict that is hopeful at best and ridiculous at worst. 

Basically, I just wanted to see which children I might want to keep a close eye on. I tested Griffin at four and now it's Amos's turn!

Would you ever perform the marshmallow test on your child? Or do you already know what they will do? How important do you believe self-control to success? 

#SeedlingSummer - the Paducah Way

As you know from my summer list, we take summer seriously around these parts. Simply put -summer days are in short supply and I want to make the most of them.

Recently, The Other Sarah from Salt & Nectar joined the awesome team at Seedling, where they also take the fun of the summer season pretty seriously. TOS sent the boys a sampling of Seedling's all-in-one activity kits and asked me to share what summer looks like in our neck of the woods.

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that our summer is BUSY. I purposefully keep our school year low key so I can ramp it up in the summer. I'm happy to schlepp all over town when I have all day long to do it (and it doesn't interfere with dinner time).

Paducah is a great place to be a kid all year around, but summer is particularly wonderful. Of course, we're in the South so summer wouldn't be complete without Vacation Bible School. We've already had a full week of Vacation Bible School at Immanuel Baptist Church and weekend Harry Potter themed VBS at Grace Episcopal Church.  

Even though the boys are very close in age, each has their own summer adventures lined up. Amos had a blast Monsterific Preschool Playshop at the Market House Theater last week and will be attending another LEGO© themed play shop in July. Market House is an unbelievable resource to parents in Paducah. In fact, my cousin from Nashville traveled up every year to participate in the Musical Performance Camps. Griffin is finally old enough to participate this year and I can't wait!

Paducah is also lucky enough to have West Kentucky Community and Technical College, which hosts a variety of week-long summer camps AND The Challenger Learning Center, which is one of 40 space science education centers in the U.S.  

Add in Wednesdays on the Waterfront at the River Discovery Center and the Kids Summer Reading Program at McCracken County Library and our days seem pretty full. 

However, there are A LOT of hours to fill in the summer and - though it might not seem like it - I do like to leave many of them free for fun at the pool or fun summer crafts. That's where awesome companies like Seedling come in.

This week Griffin is attending a week-long full-day Extreme LEGO© Camp at WKCTC by Paducah's resident Science guy Jason Lindsey, which leaves a sad little brother at home by himself. Yesterday I told Amos to go play in his room to which he responded, "But there's no Griffin!"

Not surprisingly, the Seeding Create Your Own Dragon kit turned that frown upside down.

Truthfully, even in the summer, I still hand over a Leap Pad or iPad for convenience sake when little ones get bored. However, having an all-in-one kit made a big difference. I didn't have to search Pinterest for a fun idea and then round up all the supplies. I pulled the kit off the shelf and BAM! we were on our way!

No matter where you live, Seedling wants to help y'all build, imagine, play — and enjoy summer “camp” your way!

Seedling helps bring kids' ideas to life with kid-tested, parent-approved activity kits that encourage children to follow their own creative initiative. Enjoy 25% off at seedling.com when you choose your own adventure using the code KYSEEDLING25. (Offer valid one per customer; discount does not apply to past purchases, packaging, applicable taxes, or shipping and handling. Expires June 30, 2015 at 11:59 pm PST.)

Unique birth announcements for boys

When Griffin was born six years ago (SIX!??!), beautiful photo birth announcements had only recently become available to the masses. I spent a half an hour getting the perfect shot while he napped and ordered my sweet little birth announcement from Tiny Prints. 

By the time Amos arrived two years later, I wanted something a little more unique. I fell hard for the "Hi, I'm...." design on WestWillow and had my friend Emilee take the beautiful shot of Amos. 

Fast forward three and a half years later and the Hi/Hello motif is EVERYWHERE. I wanted something unique and something that spoke to Felix's third brother status. After months of searching, I finally decided to design it myself! So, the beautiful photo was taken by Brad Rankin and the announcement designed by your's truly!

Did you send birth announcements? Got a great source for unique designs?

Sidewalk Chalk Spray

Inspired by a post at Infarrantly Creative, I decided to take our weekly play group to the next level with some sidewalk chalk spray.

First, add 1/2 cup cornstarch to a small container, preferably one  with a spout. I used a simple pyrex measuring cup.
Next, add one cup hot water.

Then add one teaspoon tempura paint.

Last, add a small squirt of dishwashing detergent and mix well. Pour in your squirt bottles and your good to go!

As you can see, the spray was a huge hit at the play group. The bottles were pretty much empty when it was all over and my driveway looked like a Jackson Pollock painting!