An Open Letter of Apology to my Firstborn

I feel like every month another open letter of apology makes the rounds on Facebook. The letter is written to the second or third child and is a tongue-in-cheek apology by an overwhelmed momma for all the things she DIDN'T do this time around. 

There were no prenatal yoga classes or germaphobic protections taken. There are no baby books filled with mementos or perfectly planned outfits. Instead, the "poor" second or third child is subjected to boisterous siblings and lack of 100% supervision.

I hate these letters.

I hate the implication that the "good" moms are the first-time moms who can bend over backwards to meet every unrealistic expectation of motherhood we place on ourselves from the moment we pee on a stick. 

I call shenanigans.

I will not apologize to my second (or soon-to-arrive third) child. They are not worse off because I don't obsess about their clothes or every germ they encounter. They are not worse off because I don't focus 100% of my attention on them. I am a better mother now then I was five years ago. Period.

However, I WILL unapologetically proclaim I am a MUCH better mom than I was the first time around - precisely because of the stuff I no longer do. I've let go of perfectionism (which is apparently the key to parental happiness). I'm more spontaneous and have more fun with my kids. I have learned more about child development and positive parenting. I've learned a lot in the past five years and it shows and I'm not embarrassed to say so. 

If anyone deserves an apology, it's my firstborn who still suffers the steep learning curve his father and I encounter at every major milestone. 

---

My dearest firstborn son,

Your babyhood is seared into my memory. It was transformative in a way I could never imagine. We spent so much time together you began to feel like an extension of my body and I can't imagine starting this journey with anyone but you. However, the journey wasn't always easy and I think I owe you an apology.  

I'm sorry I focused so much on your stupid sleep schedule. Some of my worst moments as a mother were trying to get you to take a nap that first (and second... and third year). I yelled. I cursed. I cried. Or I left you crying. It seemed so important at the time. You NEEDED sleep. What you didn't need was a crazed lady screaming at you to sleep. I'm really, really sorry about that.

I'm sorry you spent so much time with adults. I'm an only child and daddy's family lived far away so there weren't a lot of cousins. Plus, I hadn't perfected the art of mommy friends yet so you spent a lot of time as the center of adult attention. I wonder now if that's why you're such a serious kid. I suppose the world needs all those responsible firstborns to keep things running smoothly but I worry sometimes I robbed you of some of the silliness of childhood.

I'm sorry I fed you all that bland baby food - even if it was homemade. Your little brother ate what we ate from the get-go and, as a result, he seems to have a much more adventurous palate. For months, you ate nothing but unseasoned sweet potatoes and carrots and peas and any other vegetable I could fit in my Beaba Cooker. I'm really sorry for that. I'm hoping one day you overcome your fear of spice and learn to embrace your culinary wild side.

I'm sorry for dragging you to every stupid baby activity I could find before you could even sit up. Truth be told, I was desperate for adult interaction and you were an easy excuse. 

I'm sorry for all the over-zealous discipline. We spanked. We yelled. We doled out way more than our fair share of time outs. Daddy and I were rookies. That's the truth. We hadn't yet learned the subtle art of choosing our battles and adjusting our expectations. You took the brunt of that and I'm so so sorry. 

I'm sorry that you still carry the burden of our learning curve. You'll be the one we figure out how to manage homework with ... and curfews.... and college applications. I have loosened my grip on being the "perfect" mother but I still feel the pressure of all those firsts with you. 

You see I want to get it RIGHT precisely because I've messed up so much in the past with you. I feel like I owe it to you. You gave me the greatest gift possible. You made me a mom. In the most intense way possible, YOU are my baby.

That's a lot for one kid. I know that. I'm sorry. 

Thank God for your siblings.

Love, 

Mom

5 Ways We Beat Head Lice

I didn't think there was a limit (unless imposed by my husband) to what I would share on social media. Turns out I was wrong. There is and I discovered it the second week of December.

Griffin was sent home with head lice.

If you follow me on social media, you saw nary a word about the incident. 

Both boys had been itching for several days but, when a cursory look over their head didn't reveal anything, I just figured it was dry scalp. In reality, I didn't know what I was looking for.

Griffin had it. Amos had it. I had it. 

(Take a moment to shudder. It's cool. I get it. I can wait.)

Immediately, Nicholas and I did what we do best. RESEARCH! I learned there are a lot of myths about lice.

We took what we learned and spent all day tackling the lice. I'm proud to report Griffin went back to school THE NEXT DAY and got a clean head check - as did Amos. I was cleared by my beautician as well. 

What I'm saying is I brought down THE HAMMER on that lice and here's what you need to know.

Forget the pesticides!

For one thing, the current scientific knowledge is that most lice are resistant. Even the most effective pesticide takes days (or weeks) to work, so if you want your child back in school then waiting for a pesticide to work isn't realistic. Plus, I couldn't have used them if I wanted to because I'm pregnant and if a chemical is too toxic for me and my growing baby - not sure I want do douse my preschooler and kindergartner in it anyway.

Don't obsess over your house.

Lice cannot survive off a human host for longer than 24 hours. Wash the obvious things - sheets and pillow cases and stuffed animals - and vacuum your couch well. However, do not waste time and energy obsessively stripping and cleaning every surface in your house. 

DO obsess over your child's head. 

There is one way and one way ONLY to truly get rid of lice and that is to kill the louse and remove their eggs (called nits). PERIOD. Now, there are easy ways to do this and hard ways to do this but it has to be done if you don't want to be back in the same position two weeks later. 

Start with this treatment to kill the louse.

We used the Nuvo Method for Head Lice to kill the actual bugs and it worked like a charm. We followed the directions EXACTLY and repeated the treatment once a week for three weeks as instructed. Now, this treatment says you don't need to remove nits to kill the lice but you DO need to remove nits to go back to school hence my next advice.

PRO TIP: Use Cetaphil SKIN Cleanser not FACIAL cleanser. The skin cleanser is cloudy. The facial cleanser is clear and is IMPOSSIBLE to comb out and blow dry into the hair. 

BUY THIS COMB. BUY IT NOW. SERIOUSLY. RIGHT NOW.

The best way end head lice is to get rid of the louse and their nits and KEEP them out. If there is a better way to do that then combing them out one by one, I haven't found it and neither has the internet.

Here's the rub. There is basically ONE comb that does this effectively - as in catches on the nit and pulls out the hair it's attached to. Otherwise, you are left to pull the little buggers off with your fingernails. That comb is The LiceMeister® Comb and (with few exceptions) it is only available online.

Because you have time during a lice outbreak to wait a couple of days for the comb to arrive in the mail!

After using our fingernails, we finally received The LiceMeister® Comb in the mail and - true to its word - it removed the actual nits. It's amazing. It works. You will need to comb through your child's hair morning and night for two weeks to assure the lice are gone so you might as well use the best comb to do it.

Nicholas keeps threatening to buy The LiceMeister® Comb in bulk and start handing it out at birthday parties.

Just trust us. Buy it. If you don't ever need it, GREAT! But if you DO, you'll thank us for already having it on hand.   

Constant. Vigilance. 

I found four nits on Griffin the evening he received a clean head check at school. I found five on Amos. I found one single nit on Amos ONE WEEK LATER.

The lesson?

Do your best Mad Eye Moody and maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE. Check those heads in the morning. Check them in the evening and keep checking them for TWO WEEKS.

What's your best advice on treating head lice?

A Resolution I Make Every Year

I was cleaning out my junk drawer - a thankless task that always reveals the less flattering aspects of my life I'd rather keep hidden. Projects neglected. Maintenance forgotten. Guilty pleasures stashed away. 

This time was no different. The first one I pulled out I didn’t think too much about. Then there was another. And another. And another. AND another.

Five little bubble containers. There were five of the little bottles given out at birthday parties and stashed in holiday gift bags.  There was a little red one topped with a snowman. There was a little yellow one with an Easter egg stamped in to the plastic. A turquoise one. A blue one. A green one. 

Every one of them taken from pleading little hands and stashed away. “It will make too big of a mess,” I’d say as Griffin begged to be allowed to blow bubbles. “You’ll just spill it everywhere,” my frowning reply. How many times had I stopped him as he tried to open the container? How many times had I talked him out of one of the easiest and purest of childhood joys?

I’d put them in the junk drawer with the intention of pulling them all out when it was time to blow bubbles. But when is it really time to blow bubbles? Never in my life have I penciled in “blow bubbles” on to my weekly schedule. Blow bubbles never makes a to do list or an activities calendar – at least not mine. Even when I create time in our schedule for “play” it’s the flashy activities of the season that get all the attention. We build a snowman. We run in the sprinklers. We fly a kite. 

Meanwhile, the bubbles were forgotten. An entire year’s worth of small moments missed because I kept putting them off for another day. 

Well, not this year. 

This year I resolve to blow more bubbles. 

These amazing little creatures that inhabit my life are so like bubbles themselves. Beautiful and slightly magical. A little messy. And oh so very temporary. Already I can feel them leaving me. Griffin will be in five-day-a-week preschool next year and then it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to kindergarten. Pop! Amos leaves behind another symbol of babyhood every day. Pop! Pop! Pop!

So, while they are still here …while they are still little, I’m going to soak it all up. It is so easy to get busy and forget that my children aren’t just passengers as I run errands and complete projects. Often, I tell myself they are the reason I try so hard. I want to make money to buy them the things they need. I want to create a house they love being in. I want to be a person they can admire. And as important as all that is, they are not only a source of must-do’s in my life. They are also the source of joy. But joy doesn’t just come from scheduled activities. In my experience, I feel it most profoundly when I stop to enjoy those everyday moments that come and go so quickly. 

Like blowing bubbles in the middle of breakfast or on the way to the mailbox or while we’re waiting for Daddy to get home.

Plus, bubbles make those moments so very easy. I don’t know why for so long I saw blowing bubbles as a messy chore. There is no prep. There are no special outfits. The thin film of soap left behind just makes my next cleanup that much easier.  I only have to pull out one of these tiny little containers and watch Amos’s eyes fill with glee as Griffin giggles and smiles. 

And I try to soak it all up before these moments are gone.

Pop!

This post first appeared on Salt & Nectar. 

My word for 2015

Every year I chose a word that represents something I want to work on for the upcoming year. It could be something I want more of in my life. It could be something I want to focus on in specific areas of my life. Either way - in addition to resolutions - I like to pick a word as a guiding concept to keep me centered all year long.

I've been picking a word for three years now. In 2013, my word was simplicity. In 2014, my word was growth. I've felt the power of having a word - especially this last year. 

Unfortunately, I was having a lot of trouble picking a word this year.

I wanted a word that represents the Buddhist principle of detachment. I've been thinking a lot about this concept. The idea of letting go of expectations and the stories we tell ourselves and the power we let other people and outside experiences have over our lives.

Clearly, I'm not the only one thinking a lot about this concept if the current issue of Real Simple is any indication

But "let it go" is three words and the related words weren't quite right. Obviously, detachment has too much of a negative connotation in English. The point is not to stop caring about the things and people you love. One friend suggested release, which I really liked but just couldn't connect with. I think because it implies one act of letting go as opposed to more of a daily practice.

Surrender was close. Accept was closer but still not it.

Finally, I told Nicholas I was going to look for the word in Sanskrit - the classical language of India and often used to describe spiritual concepts in yoga and Buddhism. 

He was skeptical... to say the least.

Well, what do you know! Turns out there is a Sanskrit word for the practice of non-attachment - as opposed to Detachment.

“Yoga says no to detachment. Do not avoid situations in life or even in yourself, but learn to accept the existence of the things that are around you. Once you have accepted them and know their nature, then it is possible to become non-attached. The word ‘non-attachment’ does not really exist in English, but it exists in Sanskrit in the form of vairagya, meaning to to be free from attachment, without rejecting anything. It represents a state of mind that is continuously observing the nature of events and is unaffected. Non-attachment can easily be developed provided we can expand our awareness to see the reality behind things.”

— Yoga Magazine

I love this explanation and it perfectly sums up a concept that Dan Harris deals with a lot in one of my favorite books of 2014 - 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story. (Seriously, y'all, if you do one thing for yourself in 2015, read this book!) How do we stay invested in our lives without becoming slaves to our emotions? 

“Striving is fine, as long as it’s tempered by the realization that, in an entropic universe, the final outcome is out of your control. If you don’t waste your energy on variables you cannot influence, you can focus much more effectively on those you can. When you’re wisely ambitious, you do everything you can to succeed, but you are not attached to the outcome — so if you fail, you will be maximally resilient, able to get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the fray.”

— Dan Harris

It builds a type of resiliency. It allows some breathing room. Dan Harris describes it as the ability to respond to events in our lives instead of merely reacting. 

I want that in my life. I want the ability to be in the presence of powerful feelings and events - including my love for children and husband - without being controlled by them. I want to be able to pour my entire effort into something without feeling like my value is defined by the outcome. 

I don't want to detach from that love or that effort. I still want to be the passionate person I have always been.

So, vairagya is my word.

Do you have a word for 2015?

My Favorite Post of the Year

My word for 2014 was growth. I had hoped it would represent our growing family as we added a new member but the universe had other plans. Instead, it represented incredible personal growth for me both as an individual and as a wife. One of the biggest lessons I learned along the way is contained within this post and I was so incredibly thankful to hear it resonated with so many of you.

The Truth That Changed My Marriage

Nicholas and I have been married for eleven years. We work hard. We have two small children. We recently lost a baby. In theory, these should be tough times for our marriage, but they have been just the opposite.

These past two years have been our happiest and most fulfilling as a couple.

My husband is still the man he has always been. He is attentive and caring and intelligent, but he didn’t magically stop doing all the things that annoy me (leaving his shoes around the house, paying too much attention to his iPhone, giggling to his favorite podcasts, this isnot a comprehensive list). We still fight and he still hurts my feelings from time to time.

No, Nicholas didn’t change. I did.

It all began when my best friend and I read Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. The book is built around the author’s Christian journey, but I think it has important truths for anyone no matter their spiritual beliefs.

Emily speaks specifically about the three parts of the soul: our mind, our emotions, our free will and how easy it is to become a slave to the tyranny of emotion.

“There is no alternative to my own point of view. I am held captive by my own thoughts and emotions. I am my only point of reference.”

— Emily Freeman

As I was reading this, I realized this is similar to what I read several years ago in a VERY different spiritual book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. He called the emotions the “ego” so I’m not sure I ever quite made the connection but the point is similar.

My emotions are relevant but they are not reality.

For years, I’d let my emotions rule my marriage. If I felt neglected, it was because I was actually being neglected. If I felt unloved or hurt during a fight, it was because Nicholas didn’t actually love me and wanted to hurt me. It is embarrassing to admit how many times I thought during a normal marital fight, “Well, he doesn’t love me. We should probably get divorced.”

Y’all. Nobody – I mean NOBODY – loves me more than Nicholas Holland. And I suppose on some level I knew this because obviously we aren’t divorced. Outside the highly emotional environment of the fight itself, actual logic would take over.

Still, it was exhausting to ride that emotional roller coaster constantly. Not to mention, poor, poor Nicholas. (Sorry, again, honey!) I can still remember how confused he often looked during our worst arguments as I would cry over how he clearly didn’t love me.

It’s not that my emotions were unimportant. They were relevant then. They are relevant now. If I feel hurt or neglected or even unloved, I need to recognize that and say so. However, I have to constantly remind myself that the reality of the situation is much more complex than how I feel in that moment.

Recently, my therapist drew a Venn diagram explaining the importance of one’s emotional life in relationship to other aspects of our lives.

It looked like this.

See how lovely and balanced that is?

Yeah, mine was more like this.

Truthfully, recognizing that I need to beef up my other circles has not only made me a happier wife, but a happier person. It has also become increasingly essential as I face the very emotional reality of pregnancy after the loss of our baby.

During the tough days surrounding my former due date, I felt a lot of things. Mainly, I felt like our baby was dead.  I had to remind myself that that emotion was relevant. It was relevant because I am still grieving the loss of our little one. It was relevant because I am incredibly anxious about the arrival of our son in February.

However, it was not reality. Our baby is very much alive.

And when I took a deep breath and tried to focus on some of those other aspects of my life I felt so. much. better. I listened to the logic in the voices of my husband and friend and doctor who reminded me my pregnancy and baby were healthy. I focused on my physical self by taking long walks outside. I worked on my spiritual self by meditating and writing.

And guess what? It worked!

Now, real talk. Is my Venn diagram now perfectly balanced? HA! That’s a big old no. More often than not my emotions are still elephant stomping all over my other circles.

However, when that happens, I remind myself that how I feel is relevant. It’s just not reality.

How do you manage your emotions? What realizations have changed the relationships in your life? 

P.S. Why Marriage Deserves To Be Celebrated

What Worked for Me in 2014

I LOVE this last little bit of time as the old year ends and the new year is about to begin. I love reflecting on a completed year and planning for an upcoming year. I basically complete every year-end reflection I come across and had just finished this personal audit from Unclutterer when I saw one of my favorites Modern Mrs. Darcy shared her similar reflections on what worked well for her in 2014. 

So, here you go...

What worked for me in 2014?

Therapy

I've been in therapy since March of this year. Despite facing an incredibly difficult loss (and 10.5 months of pregnancy in 2014!), I'm ending this year feeling happy and hopeful. Facing some difficult emotional truths was hard but it has left me stronger. My word for 2014 was growth - thanks to therapy I fully realized the power of that word. 

Cleansing Creme

Y'all, I'm off shampoo forever. I've got a more detailed post on this coming later. Life. Changing.

Meditation

I already believed in the power of the present moment but reading this book recently confirmed it. Meditation has been a less than regular part of my daily routine. Since I've made it a must-do every morning (even if it's for only 5 minutes), I've noticed a huge difference. 

Work Apps

I've started using Toggl for tracking my time, TripLog for tracking my mileage, Schedugram for managing multiple Instagram accounts, and Todoist for my to do list/project management. They have all saved me so. much. time.

Prepping for Christmas

Preparation is not celebration. Getting ready for Christmas doesn't rob the season of joy. It gives you the gift of time and peace when you need it the most. I'm gaging interest on how many of y'all would be interested in learning more about Christmas preparation. If you'd be interested in learning more, sign up here. 

Saying No

I ended several work projects and watched the work I find most fulfilling grow. I also focused on my friendships and relationships that bring me the most joy. I've been trying to live by the recommendation of one of my favorite books this year - "Remember that if you don't prioritize your life someone else will."

What didn't work for me in 2014?

Pregnancy 

When this baby is born in February, I will have been pregnant for 12 and a half of the last 14 months. Y'all, THAT IS TOO LONG. I want to drink. I want to bend and stretch and go back to yoga and climb up a ladder without worry. I'm incredibly grateful we were able to get pregnant so soon after our loss but WHEW! This is getting old. 

Exercise

Yeah... I'm not so much doing that right now. See previous item.

Going Paleo

Remember when I ate (mostly) Paleo with such success? Yeah, me neither. Back on the wagon in 2015!

What has (and hasn't) worked for you in 2014? We're having a great discussion on Facebook!

Post by Sarah Stewart Holland.

My Most Visited Post of the Year

In many ways, our entire year was defined by the week of April 10-15. I spent the winter dealing with a pregnancy I knew was not right. I spent the spring grieving the loss of that pregnancy. I have spent the summer and fall pregnant again - feeling full of hope and trepidation.

So, I suppose it is appropriate that this post is the one the most of you read. I poured my heart into this post and y'all responded with such compassion and support that I can't imagine how I would have gotten through it all without you. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being there. 

April 10-15, 2014

Our ultrasound appointment was for 10:15. I had kept myself busy all morning to distract myself from the worry and dread that seemed to occupy my every thought.

When we got to the office, I confessed to the ultrasound tech – a longtime family friend – that I had been paranoid from the beginning. She told me that was normal. She told me often as mothers we feel like there’s an increased likelihood of something going wrong the more children we have but, in reality, we start each pregnancy on a level playing field. She also told me that older mothers worry more because we have more life experience with things going wrong.

When I reminded her we weren’t finding out the sex of the baby, she asked what was the purpose of the ultrasound. I told her Nicholas knew I’d be paranoid by now and we just wanted to take a peak to assuage my fears.

My heart began racing the second she put sensor to my skin. I looked away under the pretense of not wanting to unexpectedly see the sex of the baby, but the truth was I was on the edge of a panic attack. I took a deep breath and finally looked over because she was remaining so quiet.

The baby was curled up. Still. A perfect little silhouette.

“Something’s wrong isn’t it?” I asked.

She looked at me and said, “Sarah, I’m so sorry but I don't see a heartbeat.” The baby measured 16 weeks, which meant it had been dead for three weeks.

“I knew it.” That’s all I could keep saying over and over again.

*****

The doctor was very kind and informed me I could take my time but I would most likely be induced and deliver the baby. Immediately, I felt every cell in my body scream, "I don't want to do that!" Birth is so incredibly special to me. The thought of experiencing all of the medical interventions I have moved heaven and earth to avoid on top of an already traumatic experience was more than I could bear.

I called a close friend of mine for a second opinion and to rage against what seemed like the most unfair scenario possible. He told me that I had a surgical option as well. He told me I could have a D&E but that he didn't perform them. He mentioned another doctor in town who did and I called the office.

The doctor got me in that afternoon. She was kind and compassionate but very straightforward. She answered all my questions and was patient while I thought up more. Her ultrasound tech - a friend from high school  - confirmed that the baby was 16 weeks. My surgery was scheduled for Tuesday.

*****

I had four days to be with my baby. If the doctor had offered surgery that afternoon, I would have done it. However, as the days passed, I became strangely protective of our time together. 

For the entire pregnancy, I had feared the future. I couldn't be in the present moment because the present moment terrified me. I would look down at my every-growing middle and my head would immediately fill with every dark scenario possible. The only way I could cope was to distract myself and try not to think about being pregnant. 

Now that my worse fears had come true there was nothing left but the present moment. 

The baby and me and our last few days together were all that was left. 

*****

On Monday, we arrived for my pre-op appointment. I signed scary release papers, had my blood drawn, and had to face one of my biggest fears - general anesthesia.

I told the doctor my goal was to never be under general anesthesia.

"Well, we're going to need a new goal."

That evening I took Cytotec and spent most of the evening and the next morning in pain. By the time we got to the hospital, I was having contractions. Once I was in a room, the nurse gave me medication to relieve the pain.

A few drowsy hours later and I was wheeled back to surgery. I vaguely remember a nurse giving me what she described as "I don't care medicine." Then, I was awakened by another nurse telling me I had done great and was already in recovery.

It was completely surreal.

Moments later, the doctor was at my bedside  holding my hand. She told me they were able to remove the baby intact and that the cord had been wrapped around the neck twice very tightly.

It was an answer. I had hoped for an answer. Yet, as I laid there, all I had was questions. 

Huffpo Live: Canceling Christmas

I was on HuffPo Live today talking about my post on

Check it out!