One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever received

Last week, as I stood on elementary school lawn enjoying the Back to School Night picnic, I was chatting up another mother, who also happens to be a dear friend, about our kids. We were talking the hilarious things kids say - some of them funny funny and some them embarrassing funny.

I was telling her all about Amos explaining “tongue lick kissing” to me the week before.

“It’s when you lick another person’s tongue,” he had told me one day as we were driving.

“Amos,” I responded, “That is for adults.”

Suddenly, Griffin piped in from the back seat. “Why is it just for adults?”

“Do YOU want to lick another person’s tongue?” I asked him.

“NO!”

Then, Amos smiles and says, “I do!”

My friend has a beautiful daughter Amos’s age and I was telling her to keep a close eye out.

She laughed and I added, “Of course, it’s better than Griffin explaining what transsexual meant to kid at Mommy’s Day Out.”

Oh yeah, this summer I was pulled aside by the director one day at pickup, who kindly reported my son had taught a lesson in the fluidity of sexuality to a bunch of six-year-olds. Even better? Griffin had then reportedly INFORMED another child that he was transsexual.

Sigh. Not one of my proudest moments. I believe in honesty with kids on all topics, but I forget how that can bite you in the butt when they spread that honesty to their peers.

That was when my friend dropped a SERIOUS piece of parenting wisdom on me. She has four kids, including one set of twins, so sister knows of which she speaks!

“Oh girl,” she laughed. “You ALWAYS tell them the big stuff on Friday or even better over the summer! That way it’s not fresh on their minds when they go back to school.”

My jaw dropped! GENIUS!

That is the kind of boots-on-the-ground parenting advice we all need. Forget vague admonitions to “praise…but not too much!” or “teach empathy!”

Time your big talks so they don’t blab to their friends and embarrass you in front of teachers and other parents! 

THAT IS SERIOUSLY HELPFUL!

Have you ever received any seriously realistic and seriously helpful parenting advice?

Apple Watch: The Parent’s Best Friend

I've had my Apple Watch a month now and I'm ready to make a proclamation - the Apple Watch is the parent's best friend.

When word of the Apple Watch first started to spread, it barely made a blip on my radar. I’m not opposed to wearable technology, but – at the time – I still had my Fitbit so I didn’t really see the point.

Then, my friend Jessica got an Apple Watch. This is the same Jessica who changed Christmas forever so I tend to listen when she speaks.

Y’all, she used the word “life-changing.”

At the time, I was feeling overwhelmed by the daily minutia of raising three kids, maintaining a home, and running a business. I felt like no matter what productivity system I tried to use I couldn’t quite get ahold of my to-do list. I have apps I like, but the problem was capturing the steady stream of must-dos, like-to-dos, and the such filling up my head, ESPECIALLY when they always bubbled up at the most inopportune times like when I was driving.

Reminders will change your life.

Then, along came Jessica with her shiny new Apple Watch that she informed me was the solution to my problem. Standing at the sink and realize you need dishwashing detergent? Simply raise your wrist and say, “Hey Siri, add dishwashing detergent to my shopping list.” OR “Hey Siri, remind me next time I’m at Walgreens to get dishwashing detergent.” Need to remember to pick up the sleeping bag your child left at your friend’s house? “Hey Siri, remind me to pick up the sleeping bag when I get to Shannon’s house.”

I was sold. I wanted one. Badly. When I lost my Fitbit a few weeks later, I knew it was a sign. Why spend $100+ on a new Fitbit when I could get a fitness tracker that would ALSO function as the best assistant ever.

Work projects. House maintenance. Permission slips. Birthday party gifts. As parents, there are SO. MANY. THINGS. we need to remember on a daily basis to keep things running smoothly and suddenly here was the solution!

The first week I got it I was driving around during a particularly hectic day. It was Griffin's first theater performance and I remembered I wanted to get him flowers. Unfortunately, I still had three other trips to make including one back home to pick up the younger kids. 

"Hey Siri remind me when I leave home to get flowers for Griffin."

Ran my errands. Went to get the kids. TOTALLY forgot about the flowers until I was pulling out of my driveway on the way to the theater.

Tap. Tap. Tap. "Remember to get flowers for Griffin." 

Brilliant! Swung in the market and looked like Mom of the Year!

Now, as many iPhone users point out to me, you can already set reminders like this on your phone and that is true. HOWEVER, if your phone is constantly set to vibrate (so as to not awaken a sleeping baby) or buried at the bottom of your purse, then the reminders don’t really remind. Well, they do remind – they remind you that you forgot all that stuff you had to do the next time you pick up your phone.

Reminders on your Apple Watch is literally like having a very polite assistant follow you around and gently tap you on the wrist to help you remember.

Less distraction from the things that really matter.

I know this sounds crazy but putting your phone on your wrist really is less distracting. I'm not on my phone as much because I'm not worried about missing important messages. When I used to get on my phone to "check messages" I ended up also "checking" Facebook... and Twitter... and Instagram and neglecting the world around me. Now, I can plug in my phone in my room and not feel the constant tug of social media because I know anything important will come to the watch. 

No more missed calls or texts.

And I now miss ZERO of the important calls or texts due to the aforementioned fact that my phone is buried or silent OR – and here is where the Apple Watch really earns its keep for parents – in the hands of a child.

Kid watching PBS KIDS in the back of the van on a long road trip? No problem! You will still get all your texts and phone calls. What about restaurants or a friend’s house or doctor’s visit? Hand off your phone to a bored child without fearing you’ll miss any important texts or phone calls!

The fitness tracking and other features you didn't know you needed.

Another great feature is the camera remote control, which actually PULLS UP WHAT THE CAMERA IS SEEING ON YOUR WATCH so you can make sure everyone is in the shot and – most importantly – get in that family photo yourself for a change!

Now, I won’t lie. There’s a bit of a learning curve. You have to set up the Reminder Lists in a way that works for you and your family. (I’d like to recommend sharing the shopping list with your partner.) You also have to add any locations you visit often as contacts in your phone to make sure Siri knows which Walgreens or grocery store you’re talking about. However, once you get it, it’s awesome.

Plus, many of the common problems, such as lag time in nonnative apps, with the watch should go away with the new update.

And anything that makes parenting less stressful and more awesome is WORTH IT in my book.

Zero Tolerance Parenting

This post originally appeared on Salt + Nectar, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately as I tackle the same decisions with baby #3!

Cloth v. Disposable, Breast v. Formula, Co-sleeping v. Ferberizing...

These are the debates that keep us judging, keep us feeling guilty, keep us up at night. 

I remember reading and researching all these issues while I was pregnant with Griffin. I just knew it was imperative that I pick a side. It felt like sorority rush, once I revealed what jersey I had on there was no going back.

If I was going to breastfeed, I was going to breastfeed. Nothing but the breast for the first year as recommended by the World Health Organization! If I was going to use cloth diapers, then I better decide which brand was best and stock up so I'd never be caught without clean diapers. If I was going to co-sleep, then I pictured my snuggly little baby curled up next to me for the foreseeable future. 

Until I realized, I could do both...or neither...or whatever worked best for me that day.

My "aha!" moment came when Griffin was about two months old. I was reuniting with some high school friends. We had all had babies within the past year so motherhood and the surrounding debates were the main topics of conversation. One friend and I were discussing breastfeeding. She had breastfed both her boys, so I just assumed she was as hardcore as me. Then, she started talking about how much she loved a certain brand of formula. Confused, I asked her what she meant. Didn't she breastfeed?

"Yeah, but if we go out or something, I just leave formula with the babysitter." 

It was like I had been struck by lightening. Deciding to breastfeed didn't mean you couldn't EVER use formula!?! What a revelation! I hadn't signed some parenting contract. I could do what I wanted. It's sad to say, but I honestly hadn't even considered using formula until that moment. 

Suddenly, a world of moderation was opened up to me. I could use cloth diapers unless it was super-inconvenient like when we were traveling. I could Ferberize my six-month-old but still rock him to sleep when he was sick. Everything immediately seemed so much easier without (self-imposed) set-in-stone rules.

I'm not sure where my unyielding attitude towards parenting came from. I should probably blame Supernanny. I watched a lot of Supernanny before I even had kids and the emphasis was always on consistency. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency. However, somewhere along the way consistency became uncompromising perfection. Maybe it's because the stakes are so high. It's another human being we're talking about and no one wants to end up ... well, on Supernanny. 

And consistency is important. Don't get me wrong. Kids are vulnerable. They're shorter than everybody else. They don't really speak the language all that well. It's tough and treating them fairly and consistently makes that easier. In particular, discipline without consistency is just yelling...at least in my experience. 

However, consistency in infant care? Not that important. 

Griffin had formula occasionally — so does Amos. They both seem to have survived. In fact, I'd say they're thriving. More importantly, motherhood felt like a much more manageable task when I had access to the entirety of tools at my disposal. 

The Mommy Race

Recently, a dear friend asked for my advice about a parenting dilemma. Not the Mommy Wars, this is what I’m going to call the Mommy Race (although dads are just as guilty!). It’s that moment every parent has when they feel compelled to engage in a sort of baby one-upmanship. Particularly prominent with first-time parents, an honest pride in baby’s newest milestone suddenly morphs into something a little less pure.

“I have a few mom ‘friends’ whom it seems I’m destined to be stuck with, that are increasingly ramping up behavior that is pretty much equal to, ‘If I see or hear your kid do something then I will make sure that next time you will witness my kid doing it louder and better, and I’ll have proof to share on Facebook so that everybody I know knows it, too.’ ”

Been. There.

Been there on BOTH sides.

Look, babies and toddlers – while a lot of work – are also a wonder to behold. My friend reached out to developmental expert who I think said it best, “There’s a reason why every parent thinks their baby is a genius…because they ARE. Their minds are developing at an amazing pace and it is fascinating to witness.”

They are geniuses and, if you’re experiencing this amazing ability for the first time, it can be something you want to share with the WORLD. I remember feeling like Griffin was really, really special. He said his first sentence at 11 months! He used the word facetious when he was only 2! I just KNEW everyone would be as in awe of him as I was.

So, one some level, I think some of this comes from a really great place. We’re just so DANG proud and we want everyone to know it! 

HOWEVER, there are many, many times when something else is happening completely.

Parenting is an incredibly vulnerable pursuit. Basically, we are putting our own insecurities and ego on display for all the world to see. Not only is this little human LITERALLY a version of us, BUT we are also making decisions every day to shape these little people. It’s our nature AND nurture laid bare for judgment.

“Look, everybody it’s a little version of me! Tell me what you think!”

Whoa. That’s big. That’s a lot, especially in a society that has elevated the act of parenting (at least in theory) to the “MOST important job.” That is a lot of pressure if everything is going well. Should you or your child vary from this highly intense standard then watch out. Do you take your child to day care? Or feed them fast food? Or occasionally raise your voice? Does your child sometimes exhibit something other than perfect cheerfulness all the time? Or - God forbid - have an actual delay or disability?

Prepare yourself to crash headfirst into that societal wall of expectation. It hurts and, if we're being honest, it doesn't always bring out the best in us. 

So, we feel vulnerable and then we compete and we judge and we criticize. Let's hand the mic to my most favorite of favorites Brené Brown shall we?

“Ironically, parenting is a shame and judgment minefield precisely because most of us are wading through uncertainty and self-doubt when it comes to raising our children”

— Brené Brown

We all need to stop and just take a breath. With a few exceptions, we all want what is best for our children and we are ALL wondering if what we're doing actually IS the best thing. And that's ok. We're going to screw it up. It's the human tradition to screw up raising your kids in some form or fashion! We're in good company.

Plus, even when we are doing it right, this is not a zero sum game. There is plenty of love and growth and success to go around for all of or children.

Tell the voice in your head insisting YOU are right and THEY are wrong to calm down.

My voice gets loud about extracurricular activities right now. I hear other parents talking about all the cool stuff their kids are doing and I worry I'm making the wrong choice for mine. What if Griffin decides in second grade he wants to play baseball? Will it be too late because I didn't sign him up for t-ball? Will Amos lose his interest in music because I don't take him to music lessons once a week? Will NO ONE get into college!?!?

I feel myself defensively insisting to any parent that will listen that that evenings are important and they are ... FOR MY FAMILY. Perhaps those families have their best discussions in the car or when a parent isn't stressed by cooking dinner - maybe they all eat breakfast together - I don't know!

And that's the point.

As, Kacey Musgraves so eloquently puts it in my new theme song, "I don't know about the rock in your shoe." But I DO know we all have a rock and pointing out the size of their rock doesn't actually make mine smaller.

And - rock or no - there might be a destination but there is no actual race. So, we can all keep hobbling along at our own pace and pray the smooth paths are long and the rocky patches are short.

The Last Baby

Y’all. I’m falling so hard for this baby.

Even with the middle-of-the-night feedings, I’m still completely enamored with him. I’ve always loved my babies when they reach this age. 

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE newborns, but it’s mostly because they are so soft and cuddly and sleepy. However, then the newness sort of wears off and you’re stuck with this completely dependent being who is just trying to figure out how to be a human and is more than a little bit frustrated by the task.

Then, the skies clear. 

They start sitting up and LAUGHING and eating solid foods and being particularly fond of YOU - the momma.

I just love it, but it’s more than even that.

I think I’m falling so hard for Felix because I know he’s my last. With time and space, I’m realizing the difference between sadness over the end of something and the longing for it not to be over.

I’m so so sad at the thought of being done having babies. I am. I’m sad that this completely defining phase of my life is coming to an end. Becoming a mother has made me feel more myself than any other experience of my life. For so long, everything else felt like rehearsal for real life. Then, Griffin was placed in my arms and it felt like the real show had begun. 

I’m still sad I won’t have a girl. I’m sad I won’t be the person people ask any more about baby products or sleep training or breastfeeding.  I’m sad to be saying goodbye to the intense intimacy of caring for an infant. 

However, with careful reflection, I’m realizing I don’t really want to do it again either. 

Everything beautiful must come to an end and, even if I had another baby or even a daughter, nothing would change the fact that this a temporary gig. And, as hard as it is to think about, I’m ready to start moving forward into the next phase.

Of course, everything worth doing is always mixed up with hard, sad emotions. That’s what makes it special and this is no different. Acknowledging to myself that Felix is my last baby has made every moment so much more precious.

With Griffin and Amos, I was so insistent that Nicholas and I share all the tasks equally. We took turns at bedtime and diaper changes and feedings. Now, I find myself gladly taking over Felix’s bedtime. I hold him close and I smell his head and I try desperately hard to store away forever how he looks up at me with those big eyes or how he buries his head in my chest or how he sighs when I start to sing our special lullaby. 

These moments are so fragile and wonderful ... and finite. 

How I STOPPED ruining Christmas

My journey with Christmas began in 2009. Up until that point, Nicholas and I had always traveled to our family’s and spent the holidays in someone else’s home. When Griffin was born, we spent our first holiday season in our own home and it was wonderful. The next year we traveled to Nicholas’s family for the holidays, which was hard, but we still only had Griffin so the trip itself was easy. 

As many of you already know, 2011 was the year that changed everything for our family and how we celebrate the holidays.

Nicholas lost his job in mid-November and we decided to celebrate Christmas without Consuming. We borrowed a tree. We canceled our Holiday Open House. We gave gifts of time and energy instead of presents. 

In many ways, that Christmas was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

It brought a certain intention to our celebrations. I began carefully examining the all-too-easy excess of the holiday season and realized that you really can say no.

However, much like Jessica’s journey, continuing to cut back began to depress me. Once our financial situation wasn’t as dire, I wanted a live tree. I wanted to open our home for friends and family. I wanted to buy my children presents.

My problem was that I wanted it ALL. There are so many traditions and specific celebrations that are important to me during the holiday season. So, I kept adding and kept adding, while at the same time adding children and familial obligations.

As a result, I spent many a holiday season stressed, overwhelmed, and over-committed. 

Jessica had been preaching her “Start planning now!” mantra for a while but I was SO resistant.

First, I thought it was mainly about buying gifts in advance. In my mind, I still had my pre-kid gift list from 2008. It didn’t seem like a big enough deal to spend months working on in advance. (Turns out, when I wrote it all down, it’s a pretty big deal.)

Second, I hated the idea of celebrating Christmas early. I didn’t want to suck the joy from the season by jumping the gun. We ALL enjoy grumbling about Christmas decorations going up in the mall before Halloween is barely over and I didn’t want to be part of the problem.

Lastly, I just couldn’t understand how it would help ME. I love Christmas. It’s not that I wanted to cut back after all and completing tasks beforehand felt like cutting back in a way.

Boy howdy. I was wrong. wrong. wrong.

Last year, Jessica FINALLY convinced me to join the team and pre-plan. So, every month on the 25th beginning in August I would check the Facebook group, watch the video, and see what I could do. Sometimes I wouldn’t do anything. Sometimes I would do a lot.

However, every month what the group did was put Christmas on my radar.

Turns out I had lots of great opportunities to buy Christmas gifts if I was paying attention. My town has a spring arts festival with TONS of amazing gifts. Last year, one of our local gift shops went out of town and I literally purchased all my gifts for under $300. I would never have even thought to buy those presents otherwise. 

I also began to realize that there were some Christmas traditions that I love to do BUT that don’t need to be completed during the busiest time of the year. Instead of spending one night late updating Christmas card addresses after returning from a holiday party, I did it in October! I bought my stamps. I had the photos taken. Then, ALL I had to do come December was the part of the process I enjoyed the most - picking the design and sending them!

I realized I love decorating - not making - Christmas cookies with my children. So, in early November, I made all the dough, rolled it out, and stuck it in the freezer. Now, I’m not exhausted by the time it comes to actually decorate. 

I also decorated my home in advance - something I swore I’d never do. However, through the group I realized that it is having a decorated home I love come December 1st - not decorating. When I put it off, I spend a few hectic days doing nothing else just to get it all up so we can enjoy it. This year I started a few weeks early and, as a result, was able to craft new decorations I’ve been meaning to do for years.

The other huge change I realized is how I felt overall. I have a tendency to pack my schedule and Christmas was no different. It works great to pack everything in… until it doesn’t.

I ruined FAR too many Christmases by not allowing space and breathing room for things to go wrong. Last year, I dealt with a major lice outbreak. Any other holiday season this would have sent me into a panic because there would have been SO. MUCH. TO. DO. Last year? No big deal. We’ve got time. Broken garage door? No big deal. Broken down CAR? Rolled with that one, too!

PLUS, I realized when I left a little wiggle room in our holidays season by planning ahead I also had more room for things to go RIGHT. The kids want to go see the holiday lights again? Sure! My husband wants to spend a little more time hunting for stocking stuffers? No big deal. I want to go get a massage? Don’t mind if I do!

So… if stopping in for a mid-holiday season massage sounds good to you, what are you waiting for! Sign up for our Christmas Comes Early course. You’ll get a personal assessment form so we can help you figure out what works best for YOU. Access to our Facebook group and videos for ideas and accountability. AND daily emails once the holiday season kicks off!

Plan NOW for joy LATER! 

The Secret to my STRESS-FREE Holiday Season

This is a guest post by my dear friend Jessica on an exciting co-venture we're launching!

When it comes to parenting, I get quite a bit wrong. My kid eats mostly sugary food for breakfast. He asks for dessert after EVERY meal. Last year, I handmade pretty awesome “Camp Ryan” birthday invitations (complete with old maps cut and folded into envelopes) and then forgot to mail them. And recently, I tried teaching him that if you’re smart, you should probably find other ways to express yourself other than using adult words (i.e. profanity); so now whenever he hears a four letter word, he blurts out, “Mom! That person isn’t smart.” 

Oh geez.

I realize these aren’t exactly end-of-the-world parenting failures, but they’re not necessarily things I’m proud of or like to publicly acknowledge. 

Luckily, there are a handful of things I seem to get right. Planning for a memorable and less stressful holiday season is one of those things. My type-A personality combined with a history of infertility fuels my passion for ensuring we wring every drop of magic and excitement out of Christmas.

While there wasn’t anything specific that happened, I just remember being very frustrated that the joy of the holidays continually lost out to the rush and stress of this busy season. My initial plan was to cut back. For two years, my husband and I didn’t exchange gifts. Then, I didn’t host any holiday meals or get togethers. Maybe we saved some money and a little bit of frustration, but ultimately, cutting out items moved me even further away from any Christmas joy.

A few years into cutting back, nothing seemed familiar. 

Then, several years ago, I started planning ahead. On the 25th of every month starting in August, I sit down for a few hours and plan out our holiday season. The first year or two were time-consuming; figuring out what needed to be done and how I wanted to spend our time wasn’t easy. I also worried that focusing on Christmas so early in the year might actually ruin things. After all, part of what makes Christmas special is that it only happens once a year for a short period of time. 

Truth be told, this organization is what brought the joy back into Christmas. 

The main reason is obvious: planning ahead spreads out the tasks and expenses. So, many of the essential tasks necessary to pull off a memorable holiday can be done well in advance. There’s no reason why I can’t update mailing addresses, purchase stamps and print labels for our Christmas cards in early November. These annual snail-mail gifts of friendship were likely the next task on the chopping block if I couldn’t find a way to tackle the holidays so I started with them. 

What began with organizing the Christmas card process quickly turned into managing other tasks: toys are purged in October; menus, recipes, and decor for holiday gatherings are finalized by early November; and gifts are purchased and recorded on a list all throughout the year.

An unexpected benefit has been that our family actually adds events to the calendar now. While we’re still establishing a few annual traditions, the planning enables us to more easily accommodate last minute invitations or visit exhibitions that may only be available this year.

Last year alone, we hosted an Elf Party, attended the Garden Glow at the Missouri Botanical Gardens, and I gifted my husband with 12 days of craft beer. Each of these experiences were only possible because I planned ahead and ensured the routine and repetitive tasks were done well before December. 

I focus on tasks now and enjoy experiences later.

My worry about ruining Christmas by focusing on it too early was unfounded and the reality has been that I very much relish the anticipation of December because there are so many events and memories to be enjoyed. 

Last year, several friends asked me to help them develop their own holiday planning process. Knowing how I was able to turn around our own holiday experience, I was confident I could help others do the same. Seeing the nearly 50 other individuals post about their planning successes was incredibly rewarding. Their organization throughout the fall months paid off in spades come December and seeing their “sitting by the fire, sipping hot cocoa and watching The Christmas Story with my family” posts solidify that this process works.

Their monthly to-do lists varied drastically, but the end result was the same: a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday season. 

It can work for you, too. Sarah and I have worked together to offer a special Christmas Comes Early online course!  

The course offers planning and organization assistance, short video lessons with ideas to help establish your own planning routines, and accountability to ensure you’re doing things which are important to you. We also have a short survey so we know how best to help YOU and an active Facebook group where you can go for ideas and support!

We're offering an early bird pricing of only $10 before the course begins on AUGUST 25TH!

So, sign up and PLAN NOW FOR JOY LATER!

#Nuance

Welcome, Beth, who wrote the post I've been meaning to write for WEEKS. 

This summer, the internet appears to have caught a case of False Dichotomy-tosis.  With every opinion on a major news story comes a flurry of memes, charts, and comments announcing that that’s YOUR WRONG OPINION and this is MY RIGHT ASSERTION OF REALITY and our positions on this topic are mutually exclusive.  It seems we need a way to acknowledge that the limited characters in our social media discourse don’t always afford space for a complete expression of thought.  

I hate to diagnose a problem without offering a cure, so here’s my proposal: if you’re posting about current events or other controversial topics (or topics that you can’t believe are controversial but trust-me-they-will-be-when-you-expose-them-to-the-scrutiny-of-your-Facebook-friends), just end the post with #Nuance as sort of a modern footnote telling the reader, “I have more to say but I’m out of time, and you’re out of interest.  Please don’t make a bunch of weird assumptions based on this post, cool?”  I understand that the world really doesn’t need another hashtag, but it seems from scrolling my feeds that we need a short way to introduce some fine print on our tweets and status updates.  

For example: 

Post: Caitlyn Jenner is brave.  #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: My definition of “brave” is expansive, and I see bravery as a broad spectrum of risk-taking worthy of admiration.  By calling Ms. Jenner “brave,” I don’t mean to rule out the possibility that there are other brave people in the world or other people who are markedly more brave than she is.  I don’t qualify all of my statements on bravery because that seems rude.  For example, I wouldn’t say to a friend who just launched a start-up, “hey, that’s brave of you! I mean, obviously not like the bravery of our men and women in uniform or people battling cancer…but I still admire your entrepreneurial spirit.”  Or “My Dad is really my hero…he’s not like, Superman or an astronaut or a Navy Seal.  But, I still hold him in high esteem.”  

Post: Black lives matter. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: By recognizing the tragedy and existence of institutionalized racism, I don’t mean to discount other lives.  Of course, all lives matter—it’s just that we have some serious systemic problems.  Also, I think almost all police officers are dedicated public servants and heroes.  But a few aren’t, and that hurts everyone, including the excellent police officers.  

Post: I’m totally torn up about Cecil the Lion. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: By expressing my sadness about the senseless death of one of Earth’s most magnificent creatures, I don’t intend to display callousness about anything else, including (but not limited to) other endangered species, abused animals, children, the unborn, individuals living in poverty, dentists who don’t slaughter wild animals, etc.  I also don’t intend to express any opinion about (1) the type of hunting that, say, your uncle does, (2) eating meat, or (3) global climate change. 

Post: I think Mike Huckabee’s comments on the Iran deal disqualify him from serving as Commander in Chief. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: I don’t know much about the Iran deal because I haven’t read it, and I bet you haven’t either.  I also don’t pretend to understand all of the social, economic, cultural, historic, and religious forces that influence Middle Eastern dynamics.  That said, I think the Iran deal is scary, too.  What I’ve heard worries me.  But I think references to World War II should only be used to talk about what actually happened during World War II.  I think speaking only in hyperbole jeopardizes our ability to rationally debate ideas.  And I think the leader of the free world ought to be more sensitive and careful than that

Post: Donald Trump shouldn’t be Commander in Chief. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: I, too, am fed up with the gridlock in Washington and politics as usual.  I don’t trust most politicians, and I worry about the state of our government.  I think we need leaders who have demonstrated success outside of government to have any chance at reforming government.  However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a POTUS with some knowledge of foreign affairs (aside from incendiary talking points) and some level of humility. 

Post: Hillary Clinton should never have used her private email at work. #Nuance

#Nuance meaning: Yes, I’m a woman.  And I would very much like a woman to be president.  But, more than that, I value transparent and open government.  I would also like our POTUS to be more cognizant of cybersecurity issues and to be willing to be inconvenienced by 50 devices if that’s what it takes to keep our information safe. What’s that? Oh…yes, I would feel the same way if Ms. Clinton were male. 

Here’s the thing: we don’t have to stake out these extremes, and doing so is reductive and unworthy of our democracy.  Our social media discourse matters, so we should elevate it by asking questions, fleshing out ideas, and, respectfully engaging with each other.  If we can’t or won’t do those things, we can at least stop assuming that someone is against everything we believe in based on a single tweet.  You can believe in gun control and care about the Second Amendment.  You can acknowledge the existence of man-made climate change and God (for that matter, you can even acknowledge global warming on a snowy day).  You can be against drug use and pro-legalization.  You can pray every night and believe prayer in school is problematic.  We can and should examine our positions and allow for depth in both our own perspectives and the perspectives of others.  Go forth and tweet, facebook, and blog—just make space for the entirety of the conversation.    

Beth is a mom, wife, sister, friend, and HR executive. She's also on a journey to become a yoga teacher. She likes watermelon, reality television, and politics.

This post sparked a discussion between Beth and I ... that turned into an idea... that turned into a podcast - Pantsuit Politics!