Are people doing the best they can?

This weekend I finished the audio version of Brené Brown's new book Rising Strong.

Y'all. This book broke my brain. 

If you are unfamiliar with Brené's work, stop what you are doing and watch this Ted Talk. 

She is AMAZING. Her teachings on shame and vulnerability, including her books The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and Daring Greatly, instruct everything I do. Her insights have helped me re-evaluate my relationships, my work, my creative process, my parenting. 

In Rising Strong, she advocates "getting curious" about our emotions... in particular, when we are feeling self-righteous.

Not going to lie. I'm REAL good at feeling self-righteous. It's my go-to emotion when I'm feeling hurt or angry or unappreciated. During one of Brené's own bouts of self-righteousness, her therapist asks her a powerful question.

"Do you think people are doing the best they can?"

Brené answers with a resounding, "NO!" And as she goes on to explain why the "sewer rats and scofflaws" are keeping us all from living big, I found myself yelling along with the radio. 

"EXACTLY! You tell them Brené!"

It's SO HARD to assume the best of people when they are hurting us or shaming us or even ignoring us. I don't want to assume the passive agressive woman at church is really doing the best she can. I don't even want to assume the best of people I dearly love - like my own husband - when I'm in the midst of feeling resentful and angry.

However, we've all been on the other side of judgment and pain. We've all been someone else's "sewer rat and scofflaw" and we all know that - at that time - we were doing the best we could.

Now hear me, that doesn't mean we were doing THE BEST THERE WAS TO DO. 

When I yell at my four-year-old, I know it's not the best I'm capable of - objectively speaking. However, in that moment, considering my stress level, my energy level, and God knows what else I am doing the best I can with the tools available to me. I don't love him any less in that moment then when I am patient and calm. I'm just doing the best I can.

It's Brené's husband Steve who eventually states what feels like trurth to me. When she asks him if people are doing the best they can, he answers, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

She then quickly addresses the "murderers, assassins, and terrorists" question we all have.

Are murderer really doing the best they can?

Her answer?

Yes, but their best is DANGEROUS. 

And that's when my brain broke. I've been struggling recently with the concept of choice and personal responsibility, when it comes to my kids and when it comes to society as a whole. As we learn more and more about how the brain responds under stress, how can we really ascribe choice and then punishment to people who are suffering under incredibly difficult situations - from poverty to addiction to trauma? With regards to the little terrorists I live with on a daily basis, how can we punish a four-year-old who literally can't act differently? 

The brilliance of her answer is it separates EFFORT FROM RESULT.

Yes, you are doing the best you can and we acknowledge your humanity and suffering. However, the result of your actions are important as well. Whether you are hitting your brother or committing murder, why you did what you did is separate from why we can't allow you to do that again.

So, what do y'all think? Are people doing the best they can?

P.S. 5 Powerful People Who Keep Me Motivated

POLL TIME: Are people doing the best they can?

Posted by Sarah Stewart Holland on Wednesday, October 14, 2015

How to repurpose kids art as birthday cards

I'm trying my hand at Periscope! Yesterday, I shared one of my new favorite parenthacks. It's shockingly simple but is always paying big dividends!

How I got my family to help around the house

Recently, I looked around my home and realized I WAS DOING ALL THE THINGS.

I am lucky enough to have a husband who cooks and does most of the grocery shopping. But guess what? With church and community events and family obligations, we can go days and days without eating dinner at home, which means he is basically off the hook.

But breakfast? Packed lunches? Laundry? Picking up? Cleaning up? Plain ole KEEPING UP?

That was ALL. ME.

Add in the time I spend feeding, changing, and generally caring for baby Felix and suddenly there was no time leftover for my work… much less leisure.

I like to think of myself as hardcore when it comes to household chores. I like to think of myself as a mom who pushes her kids towards independence and responsibility. 

One of my proudest moments was at Griffin’s pre-K Mother’s Day luncheon a few years ago. When asked “What’s your mom’s favorite thing to do?”, LOTS of children answered that their mother’s favorite thing to do was wash dishes or cook dinner or go grocery shopping.

I was pleasantly surprised when Griffin’s answered, “Reading Harry Potter.”

BINGO! An actual leisure activity! My kid knows I don’t enjoy household drudgery because I say so on a pretty regular basis.  

And yet… assigning age-appropriate chores takes thought. Teaching children to do chores takes time. Following through and making sure your children actually do the chores takes energy.

With a new baby, I'm lacking on all three, which is how I ended up doing all the things.

This is how I stopped.

1. Announce a change

First, I told my children and my husband that I wasn’t going to do ALL THE THINGS any more. I needed help so I started by asking for it. 

2. Take the time to teach

Next, I taught Griffin how to drag our laundry out to the washing machine every day after school. We use one laundry basket at the end of the hall. Everything goes in. Everything gets washed on cold. I made that change a few months ago on the recommendation of a friend and it makes all the difference. No more sorting and worrying about who needs clean clothes.

I also bought Tide PODS so Griffin can load it and start it himself. Then, I informed Nicholas he would need to switch it to the dryer every day when he got home for work. 

Folding and putting away still falls to me, but I’m finding it’s not such a chore when I’m not also in charge of the washing and drying.

3. Make the chores kid-friendly

Next, I spent an entire day cleaning out our kitchen cabinets and moving ALL of our dishes, glassware, cookware, and utensils. Everything is now where the under-7 set can reach it. I moved our plates and bowls and glasses to the open shelving on each side of our island so that Griffin and Amos can now unload the dishwasher. 

I could practically hear angels sing as I wrote that last sentence. 

My kids now unload the dishes. ALL the dishes. Not just the silverware. THE DISHES.

Bonus: They can now clean up their places after every meal, unpack and put away their lunch boxes, AND set the table. 

How did I know I’d gone WAY too long shouldering most of the household chores myself?

The first day Amos had to put his own dishes in the dishwasher he looked at me and asked, “Why are you making us do all the work?”

I laughed manically in his face and then went back to sipping champagne as Griffin fanned me with giant peacock feathers.

Just kidding!

I went back to feeding Felix and told him that everyone in a family helps out. He was a big boy now so he could start helping out around the house!

So far, it’s going GREAT. Turns out slaving away resentfully without actually asking for help wasn’t the best approach. Go figure! It was work putting the new systems in place and I’m sure we’ll have to make changes here and there to keep things running smoothly. 

But - in the meantime - I’ll be over here reading Harry Potter while my kids set the table. 

P.S. The Truth That Changed My Marriage

Us v. Them

Credit BGN News

I don’t spend a lot of time bemoaning the state of the world. As overwhelming as the news can be, I believe that the world is a good place worth bringing children into. 

That is not to say I am immune to fear.

I worry about climate change and the growing power of ISIS. Like the rest of the world, I saw those babies’ lifeless bodies on the shores of Turkey and thought, “How could things have gotten this bad? What kind of world are we leaving to our children?”

Yet, there is an undercurrent of fear I’ve noticed when people discuss the problems plaguing our planet and its people. I’ve noticed it when people talk about the refugee crisis in Europe. I’ve noticed it when people talk about Kim Davis. I’ve noticed it when people talk about the Black Lives Matter movement.

Then, as I listened to an episode of This American Life, it hit home.

Entitled “The Problem We All Live With”, the episode examines failing inner city schools and the one solution that has worked.

Integration.

Credit Robert Cohen/St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Nikole Hannah-Jones, an investigative reporter The New York Times, has spent her career reporting on failing schools and has seen integrating schools work. She shared the story of the Normandy school district outside St. Louis, MO. The school district Michael Brown graduated from before he was killed in Ferguson.

That same year the district lost its accreditation. Students could chose to travel 30 miles to the predominantly white middles class school district of Francis Howell. This American Life shared the audio recordings of the Francis Howell school board meeting, where parents shared their “concerns” over the integration. It made me sick to my stomach. 

Here’s the transcript:

“Woman 1
My question is when a child who is coming from an under-performing school with low test scores comes into a math class at Francis Howell, how will they ever possibly cope?

Woman 2
Once Normandy comes in here, will that lower our accreditation?
[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Nikole Hannah
The woman says she was an education professor and warned Frances Howell officials not to be naive about the type of students they’d be receiving.

Woman 2
So I’m hoping that their discipline records come with them, like their health records come with them.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
...
Woman 3
Years ago, when the MetroLink was being very popular, Saint Charles County put to a vote whether or not we wanted the MetroLink to come across into our community. And we said no. And the reason we said no is because we don’t want the different areas— I’m going to be very kind— coming across on our side of the bridge, bringing with it everything that we’re fighting today against.

Nikole Hannah
A mother named Beth Cirami approaches the microphone

Beth Cirami
This is what I want to know from you. In one month, I send my three small children to you. And I want to know, is there any metal detectors?
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
I want to be clear. I’m no expert. I’m not you guys. I don’t have an accreditation. But I’ve read. I’ve read, and I’ve read, and I’ve read.

So we’re not talking about the Normandy School District losing their accreditation because of their buildings, or their structures, or their teachers. We are talking about violent behavior that is coming in with my first grader, my third grader, and my middle schooler that I’m very worried about. And I want to know— you have no choice, like me— I want to know where the metal detectors are going to be. And I want to know where your drug-sniffing dogs are going to be.

This is what I want. I want the same security that Normandy gets when they walk though their school doors. And I want it here. And I want that security before my children walk into Francis Howell, because I shopped for a school district. I deserve to not have to worry about my children getting stabbed, or taking a drug, or getting robbed because that’s the issue. I don’t care—

Nikole Hannah
To be clear, Normandy did not lose its accreditation because of violence. It’s easy to judge these parents. But I think part of what makes it seem so startling is that we rarely fight these battles anymore.

The reaction to large numbers of black children moving into white schools would probably sound no different in New York or Chicago or Boston. It’s just that in most of the country, no one is even trying. These parents don’t want to try, either. So one of them offered a helpful solution.

Man 1
You’re absolutely right. We have to do this. We have to follow the laws. We don’t have to like it, and we don’t have to make it easy. Has anyone considered changing our school start times, moving start times up 20 minutes, maybe 40 minutes, making it a little less appealing?”

It’s there. It’s in every statement.

Us v. Them. The poor kids. The black kids. The immigrant kids. The refugee kids. The kids of gay parents or gay kids themselves.

THEY ARE NOT MY PROBLEM. All that matters is that my child has the best. All that matters is that my kid’s life is safe and clean and perfect.

We all want what is best for our children BUT…

I don’t want my children to just have a better life. I want my children to live in a better WORLD.

Because my children - your children - live in the WORLD. No man is an island, even if that man is a little man with a very, very protective mom with plenty of resources. 

If the neighborhood across town is filled with black and brown children suffering under the burden of poverty and racism, that matters to your kids. If families thousands of miles away are risking everything to escape civil war, that matters to your kids. If the children of gay parents see their family derided and condemned, that matters to your kids.

The first thing to remember is it’s not you NOW. 

As Glennon of Momastery masterfully put it, "Let us all quit acting like we have anything to do with the fact that we were lucky enough to have been born on third base, while millions are starving outside the stadium."

You’re safe in the stadium NOW, but that might not always be the case. Most of us live within a small margin of error. An illness or job loss or natural disaster could change everything we know to be true very, very quickly and then it will matter how others respond to your suffering.

Suffering is not a character flaw. I understand that it makes all of us deeply uncomfortable. To see other’s suffering is to tap a deep vein of vulnerability. We don’t really want to wonder “What if that was us?”

However, it could be us and - even if it NEVER is - it still matters. 

Because the problems of poverty and racism and war will affect our children one way or another because they affect EVERYTHING. They affect the economy and the crime rate and our education system and they will touch in small ways and large every aspect of our children's existence. 

Also, I have faith in our children. I have faith that these little people we are raising are up to the challenge. That - if we let them - they can learn how to deal with difference and change and even suffering.

That, by exposing them to the real problems facing all of us, they might even be the solutions.

But, we have to teach them there is no us... no them... only WE.

My latest parenting FAIL

Photo Credit: Jari Schroderus via Compfight cc

In the midst of my terrible, terrible time, Amos forgot how to use the potty. People had warned me that regression was a real possibility when a new baby enters the picture. However, when Felix was born in February and we went months without an issue, I just figured Amos was old enough it wouldn’t be a problem.

Then, two things happened. First, we got really lazy about taking his pull-up off in the morning (a mistake we had also made with Griffin because we are clearly slow learners) and he started peeing in them while awake. THEN, we went to the beach where kids spend a lot of time peeing in the ocean (or - let’s be honest - in the pool).

The combination of the two WITH the new baby meant I had a four-year-old pooping in his pants on the REGULAR.

It was awful and frustrating and gross.

The only thing worse was how I handled it. 

I believe in positive parenting. I believe praising kids works better than scolding. I believe kids do the best they can and deserve to be respected as human beings. I believe harsh discipline rarely ever works. 

So, what did I do to Amos as he struggled with the potty?

The exact opposite. I yelled. I screamed. I took away toys. I spanked him. God help me, I even shamed him. 

It was awful and it went on for weeks. I was tired and overwhelmed and I knew he COULD do it so I didn’t know why he WASN’T. He kept telling me he forgot how. I felt like he was lying to me, even when he told my friend Carrie, who cuts his hair and who he LOVES, the exact. same. thing.

I am so, so ashamed of how I handled it. I am so, so ashamed of the fact that I didn’t believe my sweet boy when he was telling me the best he could that he was having trouble. 

Finally, I took a deep breath and looked up potty training regression on the internet, even thoughI knew deep down what it was going to say.

Negative reinforcement makes it worse and attention for the mistakes - even negative attention - is no the way to handle it. Positive reinforcement - like you used to train them in the beginning - works the best. 

So, we sat down at the computer. He picked out a Superhero Potty Chart on Pinterest and a Mario backpack on Amazon. We printed both out and taped them next to the potty. He got a gold star every time he peed or pooped in the potty and when the chart was filled up, he go the backpack.

It took about two weeks, during which he had maybe two or three accidents. It was that simple. 

Since he’s got his backpack, we’ve had only a handful of accidents, usually attributable to something else like napping or lack of access.

I can’t believe it was this simple all along. Actually, maybe I can. The most successful parenting techniques usually are simple - they’re just difficult. Not because of our kids but because our own hangups or lack of energy. 

In other words, parenting fails are usually about us and not our kids.

That’s the hardest lesson of all. 

The EASY way to limit screen time

My kids LOVE screen time. If given the choice, they would spend every waking moment playing Minecraft, LEGOS® Star Wars™ app, or watching Netflix until their eyeballs rotted out of their heads.

Obviously, as their mother, I try to prevent this from happening.

Now, I’m not opposed to ALL screen time. We live in a digital age and I want my children to be digitally literate, but I also don’t want their legs to atrophy or backs to develop humps.

I’ve tried and tried and tried several techniques to limit screen time. When Griffin was little, we used a clothespin technique, which worked really well when all we had to deal with was the television.

Since then, we’ve added an iPad, a Kindle Fire HD Kids Edition, and a LeapPad. (In my defense, we won the LeapPad and my husband purchased the Kindle Fire!) So, now I’m not trying to keep them from ONE screen. I’m trying to keep them from FOUR screens. 

The Kindle Fire has built-in screen time limits, but that doesn’t help much considering there are other options once that shuts down. I tried an app that used a timer to set daily limits and even let them “earn” more time by completing chores. The only problem with that is I had to constantly monitor them to make sure the timer was running, which was a total pain in the butt.

The same goes for all the screen time tokens, popsicle sticks, charts, etc. 

I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR ALL THAT.

Several years ago, I read a completely BRILLIANT idea for limiting screen time. This mother told her son she would only charge the iPad every three days. If he used all the battery the first day, that was his problem. 

I LOVED this concept.

So, I tried it with the iPad because that was Griffin’s tablet of choice. Well, I could never remember what day we were on and he would often sneak the charger into a dark corner and play with the tablet plugged in. OR he would just move on to the Kindle if the iPad was dead.

I felt defeated. Then, I realized the concept was still good it just needed a little tweaking for our family.

When the boys were away one day, I gathered all the chargers and hid them away in my room. This seemed to be one of my major flaws the first round. If they knew where the chargers were, they were sure as heck going to use them. 

I also included every tablet in the new regime. Each one has several hours of run time and that seemed like plenty of time to play within one week. So, now I gather every tablet after the boys have gone to bed on Saturday night (therefore, maintaining the secrecy of the chargers) and charge everything overnight.

Come Sunday every tablet is on 100% and will not be plugged up again until the next week.

I don’t set any rules about who can play what for how long. They are in charge of working that out among themselves. They’ve been running through a huge chunk of time on Sunday, which is fine with me because I prefer our weekday evenings mostly screen free.

The television is obviously not included within the limitation. I allow PBS Kids in the morning and then other television viewing when I’m too tired to wrangle, which is why I like it not being limited. That way I don’t have to undermine myself when I just want everyone to BE. QUIET. for 30 minutes so I can hear myself think. 

Now, this would not work with a video game console, like a Wii or XBox. We don’t have those in our house because my husband would quickly lose his job and I like having food and shelter.

However, if your main battle is with tablets, it works like a charm.

We’re a couple of weeks in and both boys know we only charge on church days and they’ll have to find something else to do once the batteries are dead.

The best part?

No more timers. No more charts. No more nagging. 

How do you limit screen time?

One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever received

Last week, as I stood on elementary school lawn enjoying the Back to School Night picnic, I was chatting up another mother, who also happens to be a dear friend, about our kids. We were talking the hilarious things kids say - some of them funny funny and some them embarrassing funny.

I was telling her all about Amos explaining “tongue lick kissing” to me the week before.

“It’s when you lick another person’s tongue,” he had told me one day as we were driving.

“Amos,” I responded, “That is for adults.”

Suddenly, Griffin piped in from the back seat. “Why is it just for adults?”

“Do YOU want to lick another person’s tongue?” I asked him.

“NO!”

Then, Amos smiles and says, “I do!”

My friend has a beautiful daughter Amos’s age and I was telling her to keep a close eye out.

She laughed and I added, “Of course, it’s better than Griffin explaining what transsexual meant to kid at Mommy’s Day Out.”

Oh yeah, this summer I was pulled aside by the director one day at pickup, who kindly reported my son had taught a lesson in the fluidity of sexuality to a bunch of six-year-olds. Even better? Griffin had then reportedly INFORMED another child that he was transsexual.

Sigh. Not one of my proudest moments. I believe in honesty with kids on all topics, but I forget how that can bite you in the butt when they spread that honesty to their peers.

That was when my friend dropped a SERIOUS piece of parenting wisdom on me. She has four kids, including one set of twins, so sister knows of which she speaks!

“Oh girl,” she laughed. “You ALWAYS tell them the big stuff on Friday or even better over the summer! That way it’s not fresh on their minds when they go back to school.”

My jaw dropped! GENIUS!

That is the kind of boots-on-the-ground parenting advice we all need. Forget vague admonitions to “praise…but not too much!” or “teach empathy!”

Time your big talks so they don’t blab to their friends and embarrass you in front of teachers and other parents! 

THAT IS SERIOUSLY HELPFUL!

Have you ever received any seriously realistic and seriously helpful parenting advice?

Apple Watch: The Parent’s Best Friend

I've had my Apple Watch a month now and I'm ready to make a proclamation - the Apple Watch is the parent's best friend.

When word of the Apple Watch first started to spread, it barely made a blip on my radar. I’m not opposed to wearable technology, but – at the time – I still had my Fitbit so I didn’t really see the point.

Then, my friend Jessica got an Apple Watch. This is the same Jessica who changed Christmas forever so I tend to listen when she speaks.

Y’all, she used the word “life-changing.”

At the time, I was feeling overwhelmed by the daily minutia of raising three kids, maintaining a home, and running a business. I felt like no matter what productivity system I tried to use I couldn’t quite get ahold of my to-do list. I have apps I like, but the problem was capturing the steady stream of must-dos, like-to-dos, and the such filling up my head, ESPECIALLY when they always bubbled up at the most inopportune times like when I was driving.

Reminders will change your life.

Then, along came Jessica with her shiny new Apple Watch that she informed me was the solution to my problem. Standing at the sink and realize you need dishwashing detergent? Simply raise your wrist and say, “Hey Siri, add dishwashing detergent to my shopping list.” OR “Hey Siri, remind me next time I’m at Walgreens to get dishwashing detergent.” Need to remember to pick up the sleeping bag your child left at your friend’s house? “Hey Siri, remind me to pick up the sleeping bag when I get to Shannon’s house.”

I was sold. I wanted one. Badly. When I lost my Fitbit a few weeks later, I knew it was a sign. Why spend $100+ on a new Fitbit when I could get a fitness tracker that would ALSO function as the best assistant ever.

Work projects. House maintenance. Permission slips. Birthday party gifts. As parents, there are SO. MANY. THINGS. we need to remember on a daily basis to keep things running smoothly and suddenly here was the solution!

The first week I got it I was driving around during a particularly hectic day. It was Griffin's first theater performance and I remembered I wanted to get him flowers. Unfortunately, I still had three other trips to make including one back home to pick up the younger kids. 

"Hey Siri remind me when I leave home to get flowers for Griffin."

Ran my errands. Went to get the kids. TOTALLY forgot about the flowers until I was pulling out of my driveway on the way to the theater.

Tap. Tap. Tap. "Remember to get flowers for Griffin." 

Brilliant! Swung in the market and looked like Mom of the Year!

Now, as many iPhone users point out to me, you can already set reminders like this on your phone and that is true. HOWEVER, if your phone is constantly set to vibrate (so as to not awaken a sleeping baby) or buried at the bottom of your purse, then the reminders don’t really remind. Well, they do remind – they remind you that you forgot all that stuff you had to do the next time you pick up your phone.

Reminders on your Apple Watch is literally like having a very polite assistant follow you around and gently tap you on the wrist to help you remember.

Less distraction from the things that really matter.

I know this sounds crazy but putting your phone on your wrist really is less distracting. I'm not on my phone as much because I'm not worried about missing important messages. When I used to get on my phone to "check messages" I ended up also "checking" Facebook... and Twitter... and Instagram and neglecting the world around me. Now, I can plug in my phone in my room and not feel the constant tug of social media because I know anything important will come to the watch. 

No more missed calls or texts.

And I now miss ZERO of the important calls or texts due to the aforementioned fact that my phone is buried or silent OR – and here is where the Apple Watch really earns its keep for parents – in the hands of a child.

Kid watching PBS KIDS in the back of the van on a long road trip? No problem! You will still get all your texts and phone calls. What about restaurants or a friend’s house or doctor’s visit? Hand off your phone to a bored child without fearing you’ll miss any important texts or phone calls!

The fitness tracking and other features you didn't know you needed.

Another great feature is the camera remote control, which actually PULLS UP WHAT THE CAMERA IS SEEING ON YOUR WATCH so you can make sure everyone is in the shot and – most importantly – get in that family photo yourself for a change!

Now, I won’t lie. There’s a bit of a learning curve. You have to set up the Reminder Lists in a way that works for you and your family. (I’d like to recommend sharing the shopping list with your partner.) You also have to add any locations you visit often as contacts in your phone to make sure Siri knows which Walgreens or grocery store you’re talking about. However, once you get it, it’s awesome.

Plus, many of the common problems, such as lag time in nonnative apps, with the watch should go away with the new update.

And anything that makes parenting less stressful and more awesome is WORTH IT in my book.