Brittany Maynard, Kara Tippetts, and the Right to Die
By now, most of you have read the story of Brittany Maynard. At 29 years old, Brittany was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer only a year after getting married. After brain surgery, she was told she had six months to live and decided to move to Oregon to take advantage of that state's Death with Dignity Law. After receiving a prescription for medication that will end her life, Brittany has chosen her last few weeks to advocate for the right to die.
By now, most of you have read the story of Brittany Maynard. At 29 years old, Brittany was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer only a year after getting married. After brain surgery, she was told she had six months to live and decided to move to Oregon to take advantage of that state's Death with Dignity Law. After receiving a prescription for medication that will end her life, Brittany has chosen her last few weeks to advocate for the right to die.
“Right now it’s a choice that’s only available to some Americans, which is really unethical,” she says.
”The amount of sacrifice and change my family had to go through in order to get me to legal access to death with dignity – changing our residency, establishing a team of doctors, having a place to live – was profound,” she says.
”There’s tons of Americans who don’t have time or the ability or finances,” she says, “and I don’t think that’s right or fair.”
I agree with Brittany Maynard wholeheartedly and, to be honest, I assumed most everyone else did, too. That was until a blog post started appearing in my Facebook feed. It's a guest post by Kara Tippetts on the blog A Holy Experience and is an open letter to Brittany Maynard. Entitled Dear Brittany: Why We Don’t Have To Be So Afraid of Dying & Suffering that We Choose Suicide, the post is a heartfelt and passionate plea from Tippetts to Maynard to reconsider her choice.
Tragically, Tippetts is uniquely situated to comment on Maynard's choice because she herself is battling terminal cancer. She speaks sincerely and eloquently about her own struggle and what she sees as the blessings and grace found within the journey of the dying and the struggle of suffering.
“Suffering is not the absence of goodness, it is not the absence of beauty, but perhaps it can be the place where true beauty can be known.”
I also agree with Tippetts to an extent. I also believe there can be beauty and grace in the midst of great suffering. I think running from death and grief is a fool's errand and the most profound moments of our human existence are when we allow space for vulnerability to experience the epic mix of joy and pain that is life itself.
However, I strongly disagree with Tippetts on two points. She argues that doctors assisting Maynard in her journey are breaking their Hippocratic oath to do no harm and uses the "beautiful partnership" she's built with her own doctors as evidence.
“Today my oncologist and I spoke of your dying, of my dying, and of the beautiful partnership I have with my doctors in carrying me to my last moments with gentle care. For two thousand years doctors have lived beside the beautiful stream of protecting life and lovingly meeting patients in their dying with grace.
The doctor that prescribed you that pill you carry with you that will hasten your last breath has walked away from the hippocratic oath that says, “first, do no harm.” He or she has walked away from the oath that has protected life and the beautiful dying we are granted. The doctors agreeing to such medicine are walking away from the beautiful protection of the hippocratic oath.”
Tippetts is extraordinarily lucky to have found such a partnership with her health care providers but the sad reality is that for millions of Americans "dying with grace" is not a choice they are given.
Earlier this year, a 21-member nonpartisan committee, appointed by the Institute of Medicine, the independent research arm of the National Academy of Sciences, released a report called Dying in America. The conclusion of the report was clear.
“The bottom line is the health care system is poorly designed to meet the needs of patients near the end of life,” said David M. Walker, a Republican and a former United States comptroller general, who was a chairman of the panel. “The current system is geared towards doing more, more, more, and that system by definition is not necessarily consistent with what patients want, and is also more costly.”
This report doesn't even include a discussion of death with dignity. The conclusion was, even for patients who want to face death as Tippetts has, the system does not work to their benefit. They are over-treated, over-medicated, and left with little choice in one of the most exquisitely personal decisions a human being can make - how to face death.
The personal manner of this choice is the second point in which I greatly disagree with Tippetts. She makes an impassioned plea based on her religious beliefs that only God should decide when we take our last breath and that a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is what Maynard needs in her life.
“He died and He overcame death three days later, and in that overcoming of death He overcame the death you and I are facing in our cancer. He longs to know you, to shepherd you in your dying, and to give you life and give you life abundant- eternal life.”
I'm not here to debate who should decide when I take my last breath. Kara Tippetts has every right in the world to believe that death with dignity is suicide and every right in the world to battle death on her own personal, spiritual, and emotional terms.
However, so does Brittany Maynard.
It is not the purpose of law to determine which philosophy is correct. A Death with Dignity law in all 50 states should exist so that no matter which road an American chooses to take when faced with the impossible journey of terminal illness that road is available to them.
Now, no one is arguing that crafting a law that allows someone to exercise his or her right to die would be easy. However, merely because a legislative task would be procedurally difficult or ethically complex does not mean we shouldn't try.
Oregon has had a death with dignity law for 17 years and has not been faced with a "slippery slope" situation in which depressed people or exploited elders are taken advantage of under the law. The numbers speak to the reality of the situation. Since its passage in 1997, 1,173 people have had prescriptions written under the act, and 752 have used them to die.
So, while I have nothing but the utmost respect for Kara Tippetts's journey and her plea to Brittany Maynard, I believe her intensely personal experience and religious beliefs are not enough to restrict those of any other American walking that difficult road.
We all must face death but we all deserve the right to face it on our own terms.
What are your thoughts on Brittany Maynard and death with dignity?
P.S. My further thoughts on Grief and the Choices We Make.
How To Handle Kids and Fears
When I was a little girl, I had a poster hanging on the wall next to my bed. The poster was of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck sharing a sundae in a 1950s dinner. I was CONVINCED that if I fell asleep facing the poster I would have nightmares, usually involving vampires.
I was afraid of vampires and spiders and ghosts. My father once let me watch Unsolved Mysteries, so I was terrified of being kidnapped. I also remember watching the television movie I Know My First Name Is Steven, based on the real life abduction of Steven Staynor, and being thoroughly traumatized.
I assume that these were normal childhood fears, and I don't believe I suffer from any long-term consequences. My parents told me there was nothing to be afraid of and in a way they were right. The thing that ended up filling my childhood with scary images and long-term trauma was something no one saw coming.
Of course, now as a parent, I see the scary things that haunt children from a completely different perspective. Neither of my children are particularly fearful. I've only seem Amos shake with fear once and that was only over a particularly pesky fly.
However, I wonder if this has made me too complacent in a way. Recently, Griffin has basically had to tell me something was too scary for him.
Photo Credit: Lili Vieira de Carvalho via Compfight cc
When I was a little girl, I had a poster hanging on the wall next to my bed. The poster was of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck sharing a sundae in a 1950s dinner. I was CONVINCED that if I fell asleep facing the poster I would have nightmares, usually involving vampires.
I was afraid of vampires and spiders and ghosts. My father once let me watch Unsolved Mysteries, so I was terrified of being kidnapped. I also remember watching the television movie I Know My First Name Is Steven, based on the real life abduction of Steven Staynor, and being thoroughly traumatized.
I assume that these were normal childhood fears, and I don't believe I suffer from any long-term consequences. My parents told me there was nothing to be afraid of and in a way they were right. The thing that ended up filling my childhood with scary images and long-term trauma was something no one saw coming.
Of course, now as a parent, I see the scary things that haunt children from a completely different perspective. Neither of my children are particularly fearful. I've only seem Amos shake with fear once and that was only over a particularly pesky fly.
However, I wonder if this has made me too complacent in a way. Recently, Griffin has basically had to tell me something was too scary for him.
The first time it was the real world nightmare of the Syrian civil war. I was listening to NPR and a report of the chemical weapons being used on the Syrian people. When Griffin asked me what they were talking about, I explained a bad man far away was using chemicals to hurt people.
"I don't want to listen to this. I shouldn't listen to things about people dying."
I was stung. He was right. I've always tried to be honest with him and take a hands off approach in my parenting. However, sometimes I forget I do need to protect him from the scary things in life. The second time we were watching Epic and he informed me that this wasn't a good kids movie and it was scaring him.
Both times I was left feeling like a bit of a failure. I feel strongly that my job is not to always protect my children but to teach them to protect themselves. I stay calm and encourage them to step into their fears - not away from. Some of this is my own personal fear... of being afraid. Being fearful is the only thing I can't stomach. If I feel myself pulling back or clenching in fear, I step further into it. I try (although not always successfully) to make decisions out of confidence - not out of fear.
However, I've realized that's more an attitude towards change or new experiences - not an attitude towards all things scary. I'm not running to the theater for every new Saw film, and you wouldn't catch me at a haunted house. I'm not interested in fear for fear's sake.
I'm just not sure how to tell the difference when it comes to my kids. How do I teach them to try new things and to recognize fear for the paralyzing and often detrimental emotion it often is without inadvertently giving them more the be afraid of? How do I find the line between fostering independence and fostering fears?
I definitely haven't discovered the answer and I suspect the line will be different with every child.
As we get closer and closer to the fright fest that is Halloween, I'm wondering how do you deal with your kids' fears?
5 Costume Ideas for Families with all BOYS!
It's October. Summer is officially over and it's time to embrace all things fall from corn mazes to falling leaves to COSTUMES!
That's right. October means Halloween and Halloween means costumes. I love dressing up and every year I look forward to planning out every little detail of what we will wear.
You see, we are family costumers. There is a theme. We all dress accordingly and have since Griffin was born. I love getting dressed up and I love being part of a group and I love these hooligans I call my family so it really is the perfect scenario for me.
It's gotten harder as we have to work around actual children with actual preferences (aka we will be dressed as some types of superheros again this year) but I never tire of the challenge.
Since family costumes take a bit more preparation, I thought I'd give you a couple ideas early in the month in case you wanted to force - I mean lovingly guide - your family into a theme.
It's October. Summer is officially over and it's time to embrace all things fall from corn mazes to falling leaves to COSTUMES!
That's right. October means Halloween and Halloween means costumes. I love dressing up and every year I look forward to planning out every little detail of what we will wear.
You see, we are family costumers. There is a theme. We all dress accordingly and have since Griffin was born. I love getting dressed up and I love being part of a group and I love these hooligans I call my family so it really is the perfect scenario for me.
It's gotten harder as we have to work around actual children with actual preferences (aka we will be dressed as some types of superheroes again this year) but I never tire of the challenge.
Since family costumes take a bit more preparation, I thought I'd give you a couple ideas early in the month in case you wanted to force - I mean lovingly guide - your family into a theme.
Baby Lobster and Chefs
Griffin's first Halloween he was the lobster and we were the chefs. We literally carried him around in that pot for part of the night and it was a HIT. The lobster costume was adorable and it's an easy theme to coordinate for new parents because all you need is white jackets and chef hats.
Pirates and Baby Parrot
My entire family got in on the act this year. We all dressed as pirates and Griffin was our parrot. Nicholas made Griffin's costume out of felt. It was basically a blue felt poncho with felt feathers glued on. We rented our costumes, which was more expensive, but dang we looked good. The best part was the theme for my favorite house on Jefferson Street was Peter Pan!
The Wizard of Oz
When we added baby Amos to the mix, we suddenly needed four costumes instead of three - opening up a new world of possibilities! The Wizard of Oz is the perfect fit for those with boys and I've got to admit - wearing the ruby slippers was more fun than I expected it to be! Also, my mom got in on the act and it was awesome.
Spiders!
Two years was the first year Griffin had a costume request. It was all Spiderman all the time at our house so we knew that would be our theme. Griffin was Spiderman. Nicholas was J. Jonah Jameson. Amos and I were the radioactive spider and his web. Thanks, Martha! It worked out perfect since Amos still needed to be toted around and people flipped for my skirt!
The Avengers
Boys like superheroes. A lot. Last year, Griffin wanted to be Iron Man and we were able to talk Amos into Thor. Add in a hulk and Black Widow (pre-pregnancy weight gain THANK GOODNESS!) and VOILA! The Avengers! There's room for more little boys so maybe we'll even use this one again some day.
This year our theme is... HARRY POTTER!
Do you and your family dress up together? I'd LOVE to hear your ideas or see pics on Facebook!
5 Things That Make Me Smile
Happy World Smile Day! What in the heck is World Smile Day? I'm so glad you asked!
Happy World Smile Day! What in the heck is World Smile Day? I'm so glad you asked!
“As is well known by now throughout the world Harvey Ball, a commercial artist from Worcester, Massachusetts created the smiley face in 1963. That image went on to become the most recognizable symbol of good will and good cheer on the planet.
As the years passed Harvey Ball became concerned about the over-commercialization of his symbol, and how its original meaning and intent had become lost in the constant repetition of the marketplace. Out of that concern came his idea for World Smile Day®. He thought that we, all of us, should devote one day each year to smiles and kind acts throughout the world. The smiley face knows no politics, no geography and no religion. Harvey’s idea was that for at least one day each year, neither should we. He declared that the first Friday in October each year would henceforth be World Smile Day®. Ever since that first World Smile Day® held in 1999, it has continued every year in Smiley’s hometown of Worcester, MA and around the world.”
What a beautiful idea that deserves to be celebrated! So, here are five things that make me smile.
1. This Song
"I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop"
2. This Show
Y'all. THIS SHOW. Ok, it also makes me cry but so, so, so much beautiful smiling. It is the most vulnerable, intimate, fantastic show about family I've ever seen and I've seen A LOT of television.
3. Fall
Everything is still mostly green but there's the teeniest, tiniest bit of fall colors peaking out if you look closely.
4. Moment of Happiness email from Gretchen Rubin
My love of Gretchen Rubin is well-documented but I just recently subscribed to her daily Moment of Happiness email and I absolutely love it. Everyone morning I smile from the humor, intelligence, or wit of her daily quotation selection. Subscribe. You will not regret it.
5. Y'all
Seriously, I love all of you so much and I wanted to my World Smile Day act of kindness to include you somehow! SO, I'm going to giveaway 5 $5 Starbucks gift cards to 5 lucky readers.
All you have to do to enter is leave a comment telling everyone something that makes you smile! Giveaway ends at midnight CST TONIGHT (10/3/2014).
12 Pieces of Great Advice
So, here's the thing. Lena Dunham is my favorite person. Ok, not favorite as in FAVORITE of all time. She's my favorite person who I don't actually know.
I'm officially unseating Oprah. That's how much I love Lena.
She has a new book Not That Kind of Girl (which I have obviously already pre-ordered) coming out and to promote it she did this awesome series of advice videos that are not to be missed. Everything I love about her is present in these videos - her intelligence, her sense of humor, her empathy.
Image courtesy of FLURT
So, here's the thing. Lena Dunham is my favorite person. Ok, not favorite as in FAVORITE of all time. She's my favorite person who I don't actually know.
I'm officially unseating Oprah. That's how much I love Lena.
She has a new book Not That Kind of Girl (which I have obviously already pre-ordered) coming out and to promote it she did this awesome series of advice videos that are not to be missed. Everything I love about her is present in these videos - her intelligence, her sense of humor, her empathy.
1. Can you dress provocatively and be a feminist?
" I bought a see through rain dress. I don't have a lot of place to wear it but I'm gonna."
2. How to make peace with your body
"Where as when I was at my biggest - and like running around Brooklyn in a romper - it was raining men."
3. When to end a friendship
"I'll hope you buy it but even if you don't I still feel very connected to you."
4. Why you shouldn't sleep with "garbage trash people"
"I had a train of the most disastrous despicable van dwelling monsters in my bed and in my life."
5. Overcoming insecurities as a writer
"And by sharing things that are close to you, you will connect to other people who feel alone in the world."
6. On Mental Illness
I just love that she included this one, which isn't funny or clever, but rather important and empathetic.
7. How to deal with bullies
"A foreigner!!
8. Ending bad sex
"I don't think I even thought about whether I was enjoying sex until I was like 25."
9. What if your partner isn't funny
"It's right up there with - you know - don't hit me in the face and be vaguely attractive."
10. How to stop obsessing about death
"It's actually a little comical to me that I would think I have any authority to be afraid of it."
11. Comparing yourself to others
"Keep your side of the street clean."
12. Being told to be quiet
"Then I also said the word vagina very loud in the chocolate store."
Bonus points to whoever can find those kick ass earrings she has on.
Falling Leaves Craft on The Happiest Home
Two years ago, I shared one of my favorite fall crafts on one of my favorite blogs The Happiest Home. To celebrate the beginning of autumn, I thought I'd share it here as well!
It's a GREAT kid's craft with all things kids love - mainly making a "mess" with paint and paper! Only this time, the mess in channeled into an adorable craft!
We’ve all seen various handprint trees on Pinterest. However, on a recent visit to my best friend’s house I noticed a new twist on this old falling leaves craft stuck to her refrigerator door. My friend’s son has special needs and his awesome behavioral therapist Heather had added “falling leaves” (in a clear, sealed plastic bag – no mess!) and taken this traditional tree to a whole new level.
I knew immediately it would be a huge hit with my three-year-old son Griffin and we tackled it as soon as we got home.
First, we painted our hands red, yellow, and orange and made hand prints for the leaves of the trees.
Next up, we made the “falling leaves.” Heather had died pasta red and yellow to create her leaves. However, I am not as creative as Heather (read: I am lazy) and decided to harness my son’s mess-making ability by letting him tear and cut up little pieces of construction to make his leaves.
While he was making the falling leaves, I cut out our handprints and two basic tree trunks out of brown paper. My son helped me glue the handprint leaves to the tree trunk and then we taped them to the front of a clear ziplock bag.
He then put all his “falling leaves” in the bag and VOILA! two beautiful autumn trees with leaves falling down in between.
My son loves making the leaves “fall” over and over. I loved making a fun and easy craft that took less than 30 minutes and required no special supplies!
5 Ways To Celebrate Bourbon!
Some of us would love to celebrate Bourbon Heritage Month. Heck, some of us like to celebrate bourbon all month long. However, SOME OF US are pregnant and can't celebrate bourbon the right way (which is on the rocks for anyone who would like to know) so ....
I gathered up other delicious ways to celebrate over at HerKentucky.
Spoiler Alert: Most of them involve chocolate.
The Truth That Changed My Marriage
Nicholas and I have been married for eleven years. We work hard. We have two small children. We recently lost a baby. In theory, these should be tough times for our marriage, but they have been just the opposite.
These past two years have been our happiest and most fulfilling as a couple.
My husband is still the man he has always been. He is attentive and caring and intelligent, but he didn’t magically stop doing all the things that annoy me (leaving his shoes around the house, paying too much attention to his iPhone, giggling to his favorite podcasts, this is not a comprehensive list). We still fight and he still hurts my feelings from time to time.
No, Nicholas didn’t change. I did.
Nicholas and I have been married for eleven years. We work hard. We have two small children. We recently lost a baby. In theory, these should be tough times for our marriage, but they have been just the opposite.
These past two years have been our happiest and most fulfilling as a couple.
My husband is still the man he has always been. He is attentive and caring and intelligent, but he didn’t magically stop doing all the things that annoy me (leaving his shoes around the house, paying too much attention to his iPhone, giggling to his favorite podcasts, this is not a comprehensive list). We still fight and he still hurts my feelings from time to time.
No, Nicholas didn’t change. I did.
It all began when my best friend and I read Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. The book is built around the author’s Christian journey, but I think it has important truths for anyone no matter their spiritual beliefs.
Emily speaks specifically about the three parts of the soul: our mind, our emotions, our free will and how easy it is to become a slave to the tyranny of emotion.
“There is no alternative to my own point of view. I am held captive by my own thoughts and emotions. I am my only point of reference.”
As I was reading this, I realized this is similar to what I read several years ago in a VERY different spiritual book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. He called the emotions the “ego” so I’m not sure I ever quite made the connection but the point is similar.
My emotions are relevant but they are not reality.
For years, I’d let my emotions rule my marriage. If I felt neglected, it was because I was actually being neglected. If I felt unloved or hurt during a fight, it was because Nicholas didn’t actually love me and wanted to hurt me. It is embarrassing to admit how many times I thought during a normal marital fight, “Well, he doesn’t love me. We should probably get divorced.”
Y’all. Nobody – I mean NOBODY – loves me more than Nicholas Holland. And I suppose on some level I knew this because obviously we aren’t divorced. Outside the highly emotional environment of the fight itself, actual logic would take over.
Still, it was exhausting to ride that emotional roller coaster constantly. Not to mention, poor, poor Nicholas. (Sorry, again, honey!) I can still remember how confused he often looked during our worst arguments as I would cry over how he clearly didn’t love me.
It’s not that my emotions were unimportant. They were relevant then. They are relevant now. If I feel hurt or neglected or even unloved, I need to recognize that and say so. However, I have to constantly remind myself that the reality of the situation is much more complex than how I feel in that moment.
Recently, my therapist drew a Venn diagram explaining the importance of one’s emotional life in relationship to other aspects of our lives.
It looked like this.
See how lovely and balanced that is?
Yeah, mine was more like this.
Truthfully, recognizing that I need to beef up my other circles has not only made me a happier wife, but a happier person. It has also become increasingly essential as I face the very emotional reality of pregnancy after the loss of our baby.
During the tough days surrounding my former due date, I felt a lot of things. Mainly, I felt like our baby was dead. I had to remind myself that that emotion was relevant. It was relevant because I am still grieving the loss of our little one. It was relevant because I am incredibly anxious about the arrival of our son in February.
However, it was not reality. Our baby is very much alive.
And when I took a deep breath and tried to focus on some of those other aspects of my life I felt so. much. better. I listened to the logic in the voices of my husband and friend and doctor who reminded me my pregnancy and baby were healthy. I focused on my physical self by taking long walks outside. I worked on my spiritual self by meditating and writing.
And guess what? It worked!
Now, real talk. Is my Venn diagram now perfectly balanced? HA! That’s a big old no. More often than not my emotions are still elephant stomping all over my other circles.
However, when that happens, I remind myself that how I feel is relevant. It’s just not reality.
How do you manage your emotions? What realizations have changed the relationships in your life?
My podcasts
Subscribe to my weekly email
- August 2017
- March 2017
- January 2017
- November 2016
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013