How I talk to my kids about sex

Recently a video from the Break.com entitled "Parents Talk to Their Kids About The Birds and the Bees for the First Time" started making the rounds on the internet. It is HIGH-larious to watch both the kids attempt to answer basic biological questions and the parents CLEAR discomfort in discussing this topic with their children.

My favorite moment is the mom who presents a very straightforward biological explanation only to look at the camera and proclaim repeatedly, "I don't like that." Seriously, just watch it. I'll wait. 

Once I stopped laughing, I realized I have taken a very different approach then most of these parents. Instead of one BIG talk, I prefer to handle questions as they come with an emphasis on matter-of-fact honesty. 

I wish I could claim some type of greater enlightenment when it comes to sex but my attitude was influenced heavily - like everyone else - by how my parents, specifically my mom, talked to me about sex. 

I have this theory that the three of the most important things in life - sex, money, and food - don't get enough direct, honest instruction by parents. They are difficult subjects fraught with emotion and gray areas that make straightforward rules difficult and force us to examine touchy subjects we'd really rather not think about.

Now, I won't say my mother did a fantastic job teaching me about nutrition or money but I will say this without hesitation. My mom NAILED IT when it came to teaching me about sex.

I remember vividly coming home from seeing Look Who's Talking, which means I would have been around 8 years old, and asking my mom what the HECK was going on with those tadpole things. She sat me down and used these royal blue health books to explain it all to me. She covered everything from sex to periods and I recall thinking, "I wish I didn't know this."

Everything felt different all of a sudden.

Even though it all began with one big talk, what my mom did differently, and what I try to replicate in my relationship with my own children, was continue the conversation. She was always approachable, never embarrassed, and unflinchingly honest. 

The most infamous anecdote, which I think is both illustrative AND hilarious involved me approaching her with a question in middle school. My friends started talking about blow jobs, I ran to my mother for explanation. I don't remember any hesitation or embarrassment on her part. She just told me what it was and, when I exclaimed I thought that was disgusting, she responded, "You'll do it one day."

Well, then.

I remember my mother telling me about having to go on birth control if I decided to have sex, which would involve going to the doctor and putting my feet in stirrups. For some reason, in my mind, this involved a saddle and the doctor underneath you and I just decided I could wait on ALL that for a while. I remember my mother proclaiming over and over that sex was NOT like it was in the movies so I needed to let go of that notion quickly and move on. 

There was no guilt or shame or hiding. My mother and I had (and still have) open and honest conversations about sex that have served me well throughout my entire life. 

As a result, I am open and honest with my own children and don't shy away from the topic of biology or sex. Both Griffin and Amos know boys have pensises and girls have vaginas. Based on the advice of my absolute favorite child educator Pattie Fitzgerald, we use the proper biological terms every time.

Due to the impending arrival of their little brother, both boys know that the baby will come out of my vagina but that some babies also come out of their mommy's bellies. Griffin also has a basic understanding of periods and that when mommy isn't pregnant, she bleeds once a month to prepare her body for another baby.

This conversation came about because of my basic approach to this subject.

He asks. I answer.

I would much, much rather take 2-3 minute questions as they come and when he's ready to listen, then have to sit down and start from the beginning. 

The only time I've hesitated is when Griffin asked, "How did you and Daddy get three babies?" I think I understood what he was asking. He was asking, "How did you make the babies?" but he doesn't quite have the vocabulary to express that yet. Until he does, I'm not risking that he's not actually asking what I think he's asking or volunteering information for which he's not ready.

Instead, I asked him if he wanted to know how we decided we wanted three babies instead of four or five. He nodded and we talked about how every family is different and decides for themselves how big they should be.

However, if the next time his question is clear, my answer will be also.

I don't believe sex is shameful or embarrassing and conversations about it shouldn't be either - even with your own children. 

How do you approach the subject of sex with your kids?

20 Wonderful (and surprising!) Parenting Tips

I recently ran across this great roundup of parenting tips on A Cup of Jo. I loved the hacks and advice on everything from discipline to meal time and I thought, "WAIT! I have the most amazing mommy friends who probably have great tips, too!"

I was right. 

I asked for tips on Facebook and got the most wonderful and thoughtful responses I've listed below, including some of my own favorite parenting tips.

From me:

I check out audio books from the library and load them on old iPhones and iPods. I use them ALL the time to foster independent play, during long car rides, and even at night when one of the boys has taken a long nap and isn't exactly tired. They just lay there and listen until they fall asleep. 

Frozen banana + oatmeal = cooled AND naturally sweetened breakfast!

If I'm sending my children to any type of group babysitting scenario, I call it a KID PARTY! It's all in the marketing after all!

As soon as Griffin was tall enough to reach the water dispenser, I put plastic cups where he could reach them. When he says, "I'm thirsty!" I respond, "Great! Get it yourself!"

I keep a little cosmetic bag in my purse. It has a tiny container of Play-Doh, silly putty, a Slinky, and whatever random cheap toys we've collected recently. When we get to a restaurant or other place that involves waiting patiently, I pull it out to keep the kids entertained. It's better than always using an iPhone (which they never want to give up) and I really enjoy the few moments of peace and quiet. 

From all my super-smart mommy friends:

I have a rubbermaid container full of fun travel games that we use only for long car trips. This keeps my kids from solely relying on screen entertainment. We have Melissa and Doug bingo, hangman, and license plate games...activity pads, blank paper, colored pencils (crayons melt and markers get everywhere and dry out), stickers, etc. The kids only see these items a few times a year, so they always look forward to playing with everything.

- Becky, mother of 3

The best advice I received was, "a lot of people will give you advice, listen, take it in and use what works for you." You get really good at smiling and nodding

- Ashley, mother of 2

Explain decisions so your child's can learn how situations/issues are handled.

- Amy, mother of 1

My husband taught me early on to tell our son what I want him to do rather than what I don't (or, in addition to what I don't). He also taught me the importance of teaching RJ what to say in response to instructions I give him. I've probably said the phrase, "please tell me, OK mom" about a hundred billion times in the past 3 years. Oh, and "quiet hands/quiet feet/quiet mouth" for time out (instead of some predetermined amount of time)....the kid then controls when they get out of time out and causes much less arguing about "stand still! face the wall! stop crying!" Once they're quiet and still, they can get out. Teaches self-control and discipline.

- Jessica, mother of 1

Learn to say 'no consciously ....instead of breaking under whining negotiation. It can develop trust/honest communication that will last your relationship for life...and help them in other relationships.

- Nicole, mother of 2

Since John was 2 I've been using my own negotiating method called "make a deal." I tell him something like "bed in 10 minutes." He says "no." I say "bed in 5 minutes now, you'd better make a suggestion or make a deal or it's going to be even sooner." John learned quickly to propose an alternative and to support it. He doesn't whine and his "deals" are very creative.

We have had issues with John sleeping in his room alone. Something scares him and he suddenly won't sleep alone. Both times this happened we put the dog in there to protect him. It works like a charm.

- Emily, mother of 2

Give the kids "jobs" and responsibilities starting from a very early age. My kids are much more motivated to do things if they know it is their "job." For example, my kids are responsible for feeding the dog dinner every night. We talk about how they feel when they are hungry and how the dog must feel when she is hungry and what it would be like if no one gave them dinner, etc.

One more to add -- the Teach Me Time clock is the best thing I have ever spent money on for my kids. I don't care what the hec they are doing in their rooms, but if their clock is still yellow, then they stay in their rooms (except for going to the bathroom) until the clock changes to green. BEST INVENTION EVER. of water outside their doors so they can watch cartoons and we don't have to be up crazy early with them.  Ok - last tip -- Amazon Prime is worth every single penny. I wish it existed when Sam was a baby. I streamline EVERYTHING in my life. Going to a store with 3 kids = miserable. Amazon = wonderful!!

- Rebecca, mother of 3

One of my favorite time savers I have come up with is putting shoes and socks by the door. We always kept shoes by the door (seems obvious, right), but when it was time to go, kids all had to go back to their rooms to get socks - my kids love to go barefooted, no matter the season. With 7 kids, anything I can do to speed the getting out the door process is huge because if one slows down, they all slow down and we just keep getting exponentially later. I was able to score an old set of lockers from the break room at my mom's workplace. They were just going to throw them out so I got them for free. Bonus! I spray painted them a cute color and put them in our mud room right by the door. Every kid has a sock locker and a shoe locker. I also have a hook on the wall in this room for each person's backpack and coat. It has helped us tons.

- Shana, mother of 7

We have a ton of cold weather accessories. this is in our coat closet and works so well because the girls can just stuff it in a holder and can go get their own mittens/hats/scarves for school.

- Sara, mother of 2

I have entirely too many ideas, but I'll share the one thing that has served me well for every child, and through every age and stage. When your child is 4 or 5 (because that's about the age they can process what this means), decide on something physical they can carry to you when they want to tell you something they are a little nervous or scared to tell you. When they're little, it will probably be about something they broke or a naughty thing they did, etc. When my kids were little, it was a small yellow chair from a table set they had. They would sit on the yellow chair, and that was my cue to stop and carefully listen to them. My promise was that I would not freak out, but that there would still be appropriate consequences. Over the years, they stopped bringing the yellow chair, but it was more of a demeanor and a serious, "Mom, can we talk?" For the kids, it gave them the freedom to get things off their chest with the guarantee that I would listen, and not fly off the handle. For me, it was a reminder that I need to STOP (hard for a mom of many to do) and honor their courage in coming to me. It has continued to work through the teenage years, and several important confessions and cries for help. Because, in my heart, I truly believe children (even teenagers!) WANT their parents' help, and don't want to be burdened down by guilt, or fearful of their parents' response.

ps: maybe it's not a physical thing they bring, maybe instead it's a physical place. Like "Mom, can we go for a drive?" or "Mom, can we talk in your room?" Just establish a key item or place or phrase that creates a safe place to communicate.

- Stacey, mother of 5

The two things that have been my biggest sanity savers both involve "rest." First, a consistent bed time. It's gotten a little later as they've aged, but it's still early enough to give my husband and me an hour alone and ensure that our kids are rested for the next day. Second, a consistent "rest time" in the early afternoon. Once our kids give up naps, "rest time" involves listening to an audio CD for 45 min or so in separate rooms. It's good for our introverted family members to recharge during the time alone, and it's good for our extroverted family members to learn to play by themselves. (I'll add that "rest time" for the older kids involves some quiet building toys while listening to the books on CD. Legos are a favorite right now.)

- Michelle, mother of 3

What tips and tricks do you have?

Birth Plans and Feeling Guilty

I went to a baby shower recently. As often happens when women gather, the conversation turned to babies and birth. I was seated next to a lovely woman I had been acquainted with growing up, who had recently moved home to raise a family.  We were sharing our very similar stories, when I told her that I had given birth at home and had a wonderful experience.  

“I’m so jealous,” she said as she told me she had wanted a natural birth but ended up with a c-section. I could hear the disappointment and sadness in her voice. 

“But I know all that matters is my baby was healthy in the end." She gave me a small smile. 

I stopped her. 

“Actually, I don’t think that is all that matters. You are clearly still very upset and sad over what happened and I think that is a completely valid way to feel,” I told her. Her eyes filled with tears. 

“Thank you so much for saying that,” she whispered. 

Well-meaning family and friends had told her to focus on her healthy baby. They hoped to help her “get over” her birth experience. However, she confessed it never really made her feel any better...only guilty for feeling disappointed at all. 

We all enter motherhood with high expectations. Whether you’ve dreamt of motherhood since cradling that first baby doll or stumbled into it by surprise, we all are filled with visions of what we will look like as mothers. 

I saw myself as the mother of girls. I saw myself breastfeeding well into my child’s first year. I saw myself never spanking. 

Inevitably, those visions and expectations get adjusted...if not outright destroyed. Some have a harder road than others. Some of us face real tragedy and life-altering situations. However, this is not a zero sum game. One tragedy doesn’t soak up all the sadness for lesser disappointments. To quote Dr. Phil (which I assure you I RARELY DO), “If you are sitting in a hospital bed with a broken leg and the person next to you is in a coma, that does not make your leg not broken.”

So, if you are out there right now feeling sadness over a broken dream, please hear me. Do not let someone tell you what you are feeling is not valid. Motherhood is a journey filled with missteps and stumbles and it is hard enough without feeling guilty over every fall. Feel sad. Feel disappointed. 

But please don’t feel guilty. 

What disappointments have you had to overcome as a parent?

Why I'm Afraid to KEEP Having Babies

I love being a mother. I've been mothering since I was a small girl. I was always much older than my cousins so I grew up around babies. My twin half-brothers were born when I was ten years old. I remember coming home from summers in California with our father - summers spent caring for these tiny twin babies - and literally praying to God someone would leave a baby on my front porch. 

I was positively phobic about being infertile. While I did postpone children long enough to go to law school, I remember the constant temptation to have a child. As I struggled with career choices and job searches, there was a huge part of me that wanted to bypass it all and start having children. I KNEW there would be none of the uncertainty and self-doubt when when it came time to be a mother. 

I knew the job of mothering would be fulfilling. I knew I would be good at it. 

And I was right. It is fulfilling. I am (for the most part) good at it. So, I understand where Chaunie Brusie is coming from in her post I'm Afraid to Stop Having Babies.

“Which is precisely why I am now terrified to ever move past the baby stage in my life.

There’s no pressing physical reason that I have to stop having babies, but I know very well that my husband and I are at a crossroads of sorts. We have lived in the trenches of parenting very young kids for the past six years and while it’s been so amazing in ways hard to explain, it’s also been stifling in many ways. Our marriage has been tested and I can feel my husband struggling to come up for air, wanting — and needing — to spread his wings in pursuing his dream job.”

— Chaunie Brusie

Chaunie goes on to explain - despite all this she's still terrified to leave the baby stage behind. She hates thinking that this baby is her last baby. 

“Because the honest truth is I’m afraid of what comes next...

As moms, we hear the plea from parents who have lived through the baby stages to enjoy it, soak it all in, count every last minute as the blessing that it is. Every time I close my eyes I see my husband’s grandma’s face, telling me with eyes full of sweet sadness, that right now, this time of babies nestled in my arms, days spent around naptimes and stories and coloring and play time, safe in our cocoon at home, is the best time of our lives.

And I fully believe that with all of my heart.

But the problem is, if this is the best time of my life …

How do I ever leave it behind?”

— Chaunie Brusie

I've had this EXACT thought so many times. Every time a sweet older relative or perfect stranger tells me to "soak it up" I can feel my chest tighten.

"I AM!" I want to exclaim in a panic. "But they keep growing up on me and I can't seem to slow it down no matter how much cherishing and soaking and enjoying I do!" 

It feels like trying to grasp sand. The tighter I clench my fist the faster it all runs through my finger. After all, no one wants to lose their job - especially one they're good at and truly enjoy. 

However, the bittersweet reality is that mothering is a temporary gig.

Now, don't misunderstand me. BEING a mother is forever. I think there's a reason there is no English word for a parent who loses a child, because you never STOP being their parent. I will be a mother until the day I die - no matter what.

However, the actual job of mothering is not forever - even Michelle Duggar will eventually have an empty nest. The intense poignancy of this thing - this MOTHERING - is precisely how fragile and fleeting it is. Every day they grow. Every day is one day closer to the day they leave you.

And THAT'S THE POINT.

We want our children to grow and become happy, healthy, independent adults - no matter how much it breaks our heart in the process. We all know parents whose children don't reach independent adulthood for a million different reasons and I know each of us who walks an easier path are grateful. Still, there is a type of sadness linked to that gratitude. I am always reminded of my favorite parenting quote from J.K. Rowling's A Casual Vacancy:

“How awful it was, thought Tessa, remembering Fats the toddler, the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement.”

In the midst of grieving, I try to remind myself that, even though mothering is a very special job, I believe there is real and true fulfillment found outside parenting. Oprah seems to be doing just fine. I don't think anyone would argue Gloria Steinem hasn't lived a fulfilling life. I think of my role models - women like Sandra Day O'Connor and Nancy Pelosi. These women were amazing mothers. They raised amazing children. Then, they went out after their children were grown and CHANGED THE DAMN WORLD.

I want to do that. I want a second act and my ability to do that is limited every time I have another baby. Every baby means less time, less energy, less money to pursue goals that are important to me.

And, as seriously as I take mothering and as much of myself that I pour into the raising of my children, I want more from my life then being their mother. I want my legacy to reach beyond what my children accomplished. I want to accomplish things in my own right. I want to leave my OWN mark. 

And that's why even though I'm scared to stop having babies... I'm even more scared to keep going. 

When did you realize you were done having kids?

Remembering Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

We recently saw Selma - the Oscar-nominated (and snubbed) film about the 1965 march for voting rights from Selma to Montgomery, AL. It tells the story of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., as well as James Bevel, Hosea Williams, and John Lewis, as they fought for civil rights for black Americans. 

I loved David Oweloyo's portrayal of King, including the difficulties he faced within his marriage. It is an incredibly powerful experience to remember that the legend that is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was also a very real man with problems and flaws and struggles all this own. It is the same experience I had when reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X - the connection you feel to a historical figure when you remember they were a human being just like you.

To me, it is important because it not only takes Dr. King. out of the history books, but also the struggle for which he fought so hard. As today's holiday approached and school lessons filled with stories of Dr. King, my son and I have spent a lot of time talking about the work of MLK. I find it so difficult to impart the ongoing struggle of civil rights without taking away from the successes of Dr. King's life and work. 

I want him to be so much more than a speech to my children.

One of my favorite ways to remember there was a very real human being behind his famous speech is Freedom's Ring illustration of Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech. The video is a beautifully illustrated representation but also allows you to see the edits Dr. King made to his written speech and the way it varies from the famous spoken version.

Something about seeing his edits and thinking about how he must have worked and stressed over the speech makes the entire thing seem so much more real. 

I highly recommend it if you are looking for a way to remember Dr. King today or any day.

How to use Purely Perfect Cleansing Creme

I'm done with shampoo. Forever.

I have tried the all natural No 'Poo approach in the past but could never get my hair to participate. So, I went back to regular shampoo always wondering if there was a better option. 

Well, I'm here to tell you ... THERE IS! Purely Perfect Cleansing Creme, which I discovered in of all places - Wired Magazine! I was totally intrigued by the idea that Michael Gordon, founder of Bumble & Bumble and hair guru, noticed hairdressers and beauty editors weren't using detergent-based shampoo.

“I thought that was odd. Why would the best hairdresser in the world not use Redken, or Paul Mitchell?” the British-born, New York-based Gordon says. “They’d use a lot of grease, French hair care stuff, face creams, they’d use sugar, they’d use soap, a lot of things—but not normal hair products.”

Still, the $40 a bottle price intimidated me and I said as much in one of my weekly emails. Luckily, my best friend Annie wasn't so intimidated and we decided to try Purely Perfect together.

Side note: Don't let the price intimidate you like it did me. I got my bottle in mid-October and have used a little less than a third. That's $40 every nine months, which I assure you is worth it!

Apparently, we weren't the only ones who decided to jump on the creme cleansing bandwagon because the product was out of stock for TWO months! (Meanwhile, I kept reading about how awesome going shampoo-free is in Real Simple and the New York Times.)

Once, I got my bottle I couldn't wait to try it out - only to discover there is a bit of a learning curve. As in I spent A WHOLE MONTH RELEARNING HOW TO WASH MY HAIR! Y'all know I'm not a beauty blogger. This is not my thing but I was obsessed with getting it right. I tried every different approach. Refined the process at each step. Even grilled my hairdresser - who also uses cleansing creme!

But after LOTS of experimentation I've got it down and I'm here to save you the trouble!

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How to use Purely Perfect (or any other) Cleansing Creme:

1. Divide your hair into sections. How many sections will depend on how thick your hair is. I basically divide my hair in half and use one full pump per section.
2. Fluff your hair. Take your fingers and fluff your hair up a bit so you can get in there with the cleansing creme and it doesn't all get distributed on the outside of your hair.
3. Apply cleansing creme. REALLY work it through your hair and distribute as evenly as possible.
4. Emulsify. This tip came from my hairdresser Carrie. Dip your hair back into the water for just a second. It helps emulsify the creme and distribute it more evenly.
5. SCRUB! Now, this is the part that took me so long to figure out. You have to scrub cleansing creme into your hair and you CAN NOT just use your fingers. If you do, it will just be distributed around your scalp and your hair will feel oily. You have to use YOUR WHOLE HAND on your head and scrub the hair back and forth. Literally, use the entire surface of your hand all over your head to scrub it in. Then, you leave it in for a couple of minutes.
6. Rinse. Now, it's time to rinse it out and you divide your hair again if you want to make sure the water is evenly distributed.
7. SCRUB! Again, cannot emphasize this enough. USE YOUR WHOLE HAND TO COVER THE ENTIRE SURFACE OF YOUR HAND AND SCRUB OUT THE CLEANSING CREME. If you just scrub with your fingertips, you will not get it all out. Keep on scrubbing and rinsing until you feel like the cleansing creme is out. It usually takes me a minute or two.

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Now, I know this seems like a process and it definitely takes longer than using detergent-based shampoo but here's the thing. 

It's worth it!

My hair is shinier and healthier AND I don't have to wash it as much! I went from having to wash my hair every other day (at minimum!) to only having to wash it once or twice A WEEK! And here's the crazy part - this even applies to my bangs. My bangs were always greasy and I had to wash them every morning, even if I'd taken a shower the night before but not anymore. Now, I can even wash my bangs once or twice a week. 

This is a dang product is dang miracle, people!

Have any of you tried cleansing creme?

Ashley Martin and "Picture Perfect Births"

Home birth is back in the news. In early December, the British health service released new statistics on the use of midwives at home and in birthing centers. Based on these findings, they concluded healthy women were safer delivering with a midwife at home or in a birthing center than in a hospital. These findings prompted the New York Times Editorial Board to officially recommend a more welcoming approach to midwifery and home births here in the United States. 

On one of her recent shows highlighting these findings, Diane Rehm noted that there seemed to be a consensus among her guests and the medical community - midwives offer a better standard of care and real lessons on how to improve the patient experience. 

Unfortunately, despite the growing evidence that midwives and home births can be a safe option for mothers, my most recent discussions involving home birth have centered around a viral post on PopSugar entitled "What A Home Birth Is Like: My True Feelings Regarding My Home Birth Experience" by Ashley Martin. 

In the post, Ashley shares her traumatic home birth experience that led to both her and her son being transferred to the hospital. Ashley is obviously still feeling the effects of this traumatic experience and I am so, so sorry for that. 

“I have nightmares about my birth. I think about it constantly. It consumes me. It has changed who I am as a person.”

— Ashley Martin

However, I am honestly troubled by the way in which she describes her journey to home birth and I think - as valid as her story is - using it to represent the dangers of home birth is incredibly problematic. 

Ashley spends a lot of time describing the home birth experience she was expecting. 

“I went into my home birth wanting that picture perfect birth — just like all the other home birth photos showed... I wanted a fairy tale — picture perfect birth. ”

— Ashley Martin

In fact, Ashley admits to investing hundreds of dollars in birth photography. The post itself is in response to the release of these photos on the internet. PopSugar even describes the previous post as a "beautiful photographed" home birth. 

I full admit to being swept up into this newest trend. When Griffin was born, having your home birth photographed was not a thing. Not to mention, due to the legal implications of our birth, photographs didn't seem like such a great idea. Amos's birth was documented but not by a professional. However, as I saw more photos and videos of home births, it seemed like such a wonderful idea.

No one loves to document more than me! Plus, these images seemed to undo all the negative stereotypes surrounding home birth and paint a VERY different visual than the imagery surrounding hospital births. Surely, that was a good thing?

Of course, after reading Ashley's story, I see the downside of "beautifully photographed" home births, especially if they perpetuate the myth of a "picture perfect birth."

Y'all, let me be VERY clear, there is no such thing as a perfect birth. The word perfect should not ever be used to describe an event during which one can poop oneself. Period.

My births were really wonderful. I gave birth to BIG babies without a ton of hard labor and with minimal pushing. I had zero intervention and great recoveries. However, there was nothing "pretty" or "glamorous" about it. I threw up. I screamed. I cried. I was unkind to my family members. I even had a few moments of panic. 

Birth is WORK. In my opinion, it's the best kind of work - work where your mental and physical and spiritual selves align. I realized recently when reading about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and the concept of flow (what he considers to be the secret to happiness) that that is what I experience during birth - full immersion in the process and a feeling of total focus and enjoyment.

And that's where else I take issue with Ashley's description of birth.

“We shouldn’t trust birth, we should respect it.... Birth is just about luck — making sure all the stars align perfectly.”

— Ashley Martin

I couldn't disagree more.

Birth is not about luck and implying that it is involves a passive acceptance of the process that too often leads to victimization and trauma. It is also not about blind trust in either your body or your caregiver - be they a doctor or a midwife. 

There are million factors - many we understand and many we don't - that contribute to birth. Not to mention, every mother, every baby, every birth is special and unique and no approach - be it a midwife's or a doctor's - holds the answer to every single scenario. 

There IS some trust involved and from Ashley's description it seems like her's was misplaced. 

“I was misled, lied too, and manipulated. Informed consent? Hah. I wish.

I left my birth feeling broken, beaten down, cheated. I felt like no one there really cared about the most important thing: my child’s safety and well-being.”

— Ashley Martin

Unfortunately, I've heard people describe hospital births in exactly the same way - people who left a health care experience feeling surprised and traumatized that what they considered to be their best interests were not being met. I've recently had this discussion with many of my close friends regarding not just birth but birth control options, infertility, and general hormonal issues.

You cannot simply hand over the decision making for your health to a provider - be it a doctor or a midwife. No one has the same values and priorities as you do. No one knows your body the way you do. No one is invested in the outcome as much as you are. 

None of this is to say what happened to Ashley Martin is her fault. If she was lied to or her concerns were brushed off, then there are some real problems with her midwife and care providers that need to be addressed. Not to mention, she states that "No one was monitoring my vitals or his. No one was trained for this type of emergency." which obviously is a massive danger. 

However, there are no perfect home births and we don't need perfect outcomes to decide on the safety of home birth either. Anecdotal evidence - like what happened to Ashley Martin - is not how we should assess the future of home birth in this country.

As I often say, the presence of ANY risk does not define a behavior as unsafe.

There are risks involved with ALL birth and they are not erased once one crosses the threshold of a hospital. My favorite question I get when I tell people I am planning a home birth is, "What if something goes wrong?"

The implication being nothing goes wrong at a hospital.

There are risks unique to a hospital birth. There are risks unique to a home birth. Believe me, as I plan my third home birth after a pregnancy loss due to cord injury, I have thought A LOT about these risks. 

However, I cannot let the emotional and fearful voices in my head run my life. If I did, I would never have gotten pregnant again in the first place. I can't even rely solely on my previous home birth experiences - which are no less anecdotal than Ashley Martin's.

I have to look at the mounting evidence that states home birth is safe and complications rare. I have to look at the incredible experience of my midwife who has delivered over 700 babies and has encountered almost every complication imaginable. I have to look at my amazing obstetrician who supports my decision and is there in an emergency should I need her. And, yes, I have to look to my own body and build back a trust that was lost after the death of our baby.

The one thing I'm not looking for is perfection. 

7th Grade Life List: 22. See the Harlem Globetrotters

In 7th grade, I made a list of 60 goals I wanted to achieve in my life. Some were big (Win an Oscar, a Tony, and a Grammy) and some not so big (Read Gone with the Wind). After having a fabulous experience checking one SUPER item off, I decided to keep at it and achieve as many of my 7th grade goals as possible.

22. See the Harlem Globetrotters.

There are exactly three entries on my 7th Grade Life List that have anything to do with sports. 

See the Harlem Globetrotters. Be able to do a back handspring. Learn to play golf and tennis.

Needless to say, sports have never been a big part of my life. I played t-ball. I was a middle school cheerleader but that's about it. I did have a lot of fun as a child going to San Francisco Giants and Seattle Seahawks games with my dad but it never translated into a longterm love for the game.

So, it's not surprising that the one sporting event on the list is a little less sports and a lot more entertainment. For any of you who don't know, the Harlem Globetrotters are an exhibition basketball team that combine athleticism, comedy, and plain old shenanigans for a whole lot of fun.  

I reached out to the team when I heard they were coming to our area and told them all about my list. They were incredibly generous and gave us four tickets to a game at SIU Arena in Carbondale AND invited us to a pre-game meet and greet.

We met the shortest Harlem Globetrotter in history whose name is (obviously) Too Tall and brand new player Rocket. Both players were so kind and generous with the boys and clearly very excited to be on the Globetrotter team.

The pre-game entertainment also included lots of dancing and silliness from the Globetrotters' mascot Globie - a HUGE hit with the under 10 set. The game itself was a match off between the Globetrotters and their infamous rivals the Washington Generals. 

I'm sure I would have had fun no matter when I crossed this particular item off the list. However, attending a Globetrotter game with my two young sons was a blast. Silliness and shenanigans are basically the summit of all humor when you're 5 and 3 so Griffin and Amos were thoroughly entertained from beginning to end. 

Griffin was totally swept up into the game and burst into tears when it looked like the Washington Generals might win. Luckily, the Harlem Globetrotters pulled out a win during overtime and there was some major celebrating among the Holland family.

I think Griffin best summed it up on the way home...

"The Globetrotters are definitely a special team."

Thank you to the Harlem Globetrotters for sponsoring this post. Check out their event schedule here and get in on the fun with your own family!