I hate Career Day

Photo Credit: ginamccaleb via Compfight cc

On Friday, Griffin’s school will be celebrating Halloween. Instead of costumes, the children were asked to come dressed in the “career apparel” of their choice. They have to make a small presentation for a social studies credit on the profession of their choice and how that person contributes to the committee.

Listen, I get it. I fully endorse structured costume experiences. You don’t want a costume free for all. No one wants kindergarteners going home with nightmares because they passed a fifth grader dressed up as Freddy Krueger.  

I fully endorse the channeling of Halloween energy into an educational experience.

But I hate career day and I hate the question, “What do YOU want to be when you grow up?”

I hated it the first time Griffin got asked, “What do YOU want to be when you grow up?” when he was barely old enough to understand the question. I still hate it when he gets asked today.

I hate that we push middle schoolers to pick a college and high school students to pick a major and college students to map out their entire career.

I don’t know if I’ve EVER been able to answer the question – What do you want to be when you grow up? I’m still not sure how to answer. In elementary school, I liked to sing. I also loved to write. As a young girl immersed in pop culture, my only role models were singers and actresses. I didn’t know any professional writers and I didn’t see any on television. (A post for another day.)

As I grew up, I realized loving movies wasn’t the same as wanting to be in them. I also realized I liked to sing but I didn’t LOVE to sing. By high school, I had developed a healthy interest in politics so I decided to pursue a degree in political science and then take the expected next step of law school.

I still love politics. I still love writing. Along the way, I developed a love of social media and graphic design and parenting and self-growth.

And I’ve had jobs that encompass all or some of these interests, but never felt like I had a CAREER because I was taught grown-ups with careers pursue ONE JOB from college to retirement.

Slowly, I’m accepting that that is not me. That it will never be me. And that is ok.

In fact, I’ve recently learned there is a name for people like me.

Multipotentialite.

According to Emilie Wapnick and her fantastic Ted Talk, a multipotentialite is “a person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life.”

We don’t have “one true calling” or one career. We thrive on learning and exploring and pursuing many different interests, passions, and careers.

And guess what? Multipotentialites are essential in our new economy and thriving in the technological age. The New York Times recently published a piece entitled, “Why What You Learned in Preschool Is Crucial at Work.” The author noted that the diverse interests and skills developed in preschool are a great example of what adults need to thrive in an ever-changing workforce.

“Preschool classrooms, Mr. Deming said, look a lot like the modern work world. Children move from art projects to science experiments to the playground in small groups, and their most important skills are sharing and negotiating with others.”

I would argue that all preschoolers are multipotentialites. I know mine is. Amos loves art and karate and costumes and board games. Griffin is the same way.

It’s only as they’ve grown older that I’ve noticed the emphasis on eliminating interests to pursue ONE JOB.

It makes both me and my children anxious.

I had literally shown Griffin the Emilie Wapnick’s Ted Talk the week before I had to break the news about career day.

His face crumbled. “I don’t want to PICK ONE!”

He has never latched onto one career or job. He never wanted to be a fireman or doctor. Since he was old enough to answer, he’s resisted the traditional answers to the constant questioning about what he wants to be when he’s grow up.

If he finds a job he likes, he just adds it to the list. For the past two years, the list has remained consistent.

He wants to be a scientist, an animator, and a LEGO Master Builder. They all sound awesome to me and I won’t be encouraging him to pick one job or one major or one career anytime soon.

So, THAT is what he will be dressing up as on Friday. We’ve got goggles and pencils and a LEGO Master Builder coat all ready and he’ll be wearing all three. 

After all, our world is changing and it has room for my little multipotentialite… even on Career Day.

P.S. Why I also have a beef with talent shows.

Stop asking my kid what he wants to be when he grows up.

Posted by Sarah Stewart Holland on Wednesday, October 28, 2015

I should never have been allowed to see Dirty Dancing.

I grew up watching A LOT of television and going to A LOT of movies. I was an only child so I had time to fill and no siblings to help fill it. Some of my most vivid childhood memories revolve around media and popular culture.

For a week in first grade, I had to stand in the corner for 30 minutes every day because I stole the gold stars for my behavior chart from the teacher's desk. (I had trouble staying quiet in class… shocking I know.) I remember thinking if I could just memorize The Cosby Show I could play it back in my mind to fill the time.

I remember wanting to bring Patrick Swayze to show and tell so we could dance together for my classmates. I remember being pulled away from a particularly enthralling episode of Mama’s Family to go to dance class and telling my mother I wanted to quit the next day. I remember sneaking around the corner to watch late night episodes of Designing Women and Murphy Brown.

My parents and I would go to double – sometimes even triple – features at the local movie theater and my mother and I would rent six VHS tapes from our local Phar-Mor for all weekend movie marathons.

It’s a passion that continued into adulthood. Most of you have probably been cornered by me at a party or in a Facebook thread as I argue that you really HAVE to watch Mad Men or The Wire or GIRLS or Friday Night Lights or whatever other movie or television show with which I’m currently obsessed.

Considering my long love affair with pop culture ,it might come as a bit of a surprise that Griffin has only been to the movies a handful of times and Amos has never been at all. They watch television but only children’s programming.

If I have the slightest concern that programming is too mature for them, the answer is no.

It’s not because I’m trying to protect them from mature subjects. As I hope I’ve made clear by now, I don’t believe it is my job as a parent to protect my children from everything bad in life, including tough subject matters.

However, I heard something once that changed how I felt about age-appropriate media.

It was an interview with Stefan Shephard of Zooglobble, a blog dedicated to kids music. He was on NPR talking about why he doesn’t just let his kids listen to pop music.

“I think one of the issues is what is the lyrical matter? What is the context of the song? The Beatles songs are great in that they’re simple, but a lot of them revolve around romantic love. You know, I wouldn’t want my daughter to hear nothing but songs about romantic love all day long. They’re fun to dance to, and I have no problem playing the Beatles occasionally, but I also thing that there are other songs that are more age-appropriate lyrically or musically sometimes.”

— Stefan Shephard

He went on to say that age-appropriate material builds real appreciation. It made so much sense to me. You build an appreciation for music or movies or television because it speaks to a world – in a language – that YOU understand.

After years of sticking to my pop culture guns with Griffin, I’ve realized the benefit to restricting mature programming might go beyond merely building appreciation for the art form.

After all, I consumed pop culture FAR outside the realm of age-appropriateness. I’ve had two different conversations in two days with women my age about the day we realized that Dirty Dancing’s ENTIRE plot revolves around a botched abortion. Or what about Pretty Woman? My mom got a lot of things right when it came to sex education, but I’m not sure letting me watch prostitution meet cute (even if she covered my eyes during the sex scenes) was one of them.

Looking back on my own experiences with pop culture and watching the way Griffin and Amos interact media, I’ve realized that age-appropriate media does more than build appreciation, it allows creative access.

Griffin is obsessed with the world of Harry Potter in a very different way then I was obsessed with Dirty Dancing or Gone with the Wind. Because he can comprehend the subject matter and many of the character’s central conflicts, he is driven to create his own versions of these worlds in a way I never was.

I knew I wanted to be like Baby and dance with Johnny Castle, but I didn’t really know WHY. I knew I wanted to be the subject of Rhett Butler’s desire and dress like Scarlett O’Hara, but I didn’t really comprehend what that meant.

I knew Penny was in trouble, but I didn’t realize it was because of an unwanted pregnancy.

So, I couldn’t really place myself in that world in the way Griffin fully inhabits Hogwarts. The conflicts contained within J.K. Rowling's universe are real and the emotion intense but the world of school and friends and teachers and parents is something a child can understand. So, Griffin writes new endings to the story and makes movies where he lives at Hogwarts and fights dark wizards. If you ask him, he promises there will be an 8th Harry Potter book because he’s already started writing it.

Maybe he will and maybe he won’t.

What I hope is - by guarding the gates to these little minds - I don't just raise consumers, but I raise creators.

P.S. Is it safe to play outside? 

Why I told people my baby was difficult and why I stopped

Boy, did I have this coming. Baby Felix plays super-sweet for everyone then screams in my face when no one is around. Still, I don't call him difficult. I learned that lesson with Amos, as I shared in this post originally published on Salt + Nectar a few months after Amos was born. 

At first, you just want sympathy. Your baby is being difficult and you just want to talk about how hard of a time you are having. It starts innocently enough. Then, you realize you're sharing more stories about the stress your baby brings, instead of the joy.

Sometimes I wonder if Amos ever had a chance. Griffin was such a good baby that I convinced myself there was no way I could get that lucky twice. Nicholas tried to remind me that Griffin wasn't always a walk in the park but, for some reason, I only have rosy memories of him cooing and never crying.

So, when Amos and I got off to a rough start, I just knew all my worst fears had been confirmed. He was going to be my difficult child. He seemed to squirm more than Griffin. He wouldn't really let you hold him. He spit up all the time and screamed his head off in the car (still does that, actually). And I told anyone who would listen about our trials and tribulations.

But then I noticed he started to get a bit of a reputation.

All of a sudden other people started seeing him as difficult and that stopped me dead in my tracks. I wanted people to listen to me, but it never occurred to me that it would affect how they saw my precious boy.

It broke my heart that people didn't see this wonderful creature, especially as his little personality just started developing. And it made me miserable that I might have been the cause of their preconceived notions. After all, nobody wants assumptions made about their child, especially negative ones.

I wanted everyone to think Amos was the most amazing baby to ever walk the planet Earth because, despite my bitching, that's how I feel.

But the truth is I can't blame others for something I was doing myself. I had decided that my second child was going to be difficult so difficulty was all I saw.

Well, no longer. Amos deserves to write his own story, not have me write it for him. He might scream his head off in his car seat, but he also sleeps through the night. At the slightest smile, he gets the biggest sweetest baby grin you've ever seen in your life.

And he laughs! Oh, does he laugh.

I won't say I'll never complain again. I'll have difficult days. We all do.

But no more difficult children. I don't have any of those.

Why I'm voting for Hillary not Bernie

I love Bernie. I’ve always loved Bernie. I loved Bernie before loving Bernie was cool.

He was always my favorite Senator to hear speak during my time in the Senate. After I moved home, every time he’d come on The Diane Rehm show I’d crank up the volume and agree loudly with everything he said.  As he’d passionately defend the working poor and rail against the growing economic inequities, I’d testify like I was in church. “Amen!” “Let ‘em know, Bernie!”

But …

I’ve been here before.

I liked Barack Obama, too. I STILL like Barack Obama. I think he has been a great president, and if I could vote for him again I would. Bernie would also make a great president although one who would face very similar challenges to Barack Obama – an increasingly erratic and extremist House of Representatives and growing complexities abroad.

However, I don’t just want a great president. I don’t just want a progressive president.

I WANT A WOMAN PRESIDENT.

When I tell people (men) this, they balk. They tell me it’s outrageous to support a candidate just because she’s a woman. They mansplain all the “problems” with Hillary - as if I’ve never heard of Benghazi, as if I’m unfamiliar with the inner workings of email, as if I DIDN’T WORK FOR HER AND AM THEREFORE MORE QUALIFIED TO EDUCATE THEM ABOUT HER.

Diversity of leadership is very important to me as a voter and voting based on that value is no more or less acceptable than voting based on abortion or Wall Street reform or gay marriage.

It matters to me that Hillary Clinton is a woman and – the truth is – it matters to every single one of you as well. No one – male or female, Democrat or Republican – is immune to the effects of gender. If you believe your opinion of Hillary Clinton isn’t affected by the fact that she is a woman, you are FOOLING YOURSELF.

Can you disagree with policy positions? Absolutely. Can you think there are more important issues than the election of the first female president? Absolutely. BUT if you are using derogatory language to talk about Hillary Clinton, check yourself. If you are disparaging her looks or her wardrobe or the way she speaks, check yourself. If you are talking down to a Hillary supporter, CHECK YOURSELF.

And, for the record, I disagree with Hillary on several policy positions. I don’t believe you can – or that anyone really does – pick a candidate based solely on their policy positions. People smarter than me spend their careers researching why we vote how we vote. It’s not math. It’s psychology and it’s complex. So, let's all acknowledge that and stop pretending like we're the rational ones who are really just assessing the facts. 

All I can say is that I’ve stood in a room with this woman. I’ve seen her work up close. I’ve seen how she treats her staff. This is a brilliant human being who has dedicated her entire life to this country. There are few people in public service that have taken it on the chin as many times as Hillary Clinton and returned to the ring to fight again. She is tough. She is smart. She will fight for each and every one of us.

I would vote for her, even if she was a man.

But, I love her and support her and fight for her because she’s a woman.

And it’s time for a woman in the Oval Office. 

5 Ways My Life Has Changed In 5 Years

One of my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite songs of all time is the line from the Indigo Girl's Watershed - Every five years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh.

Last week, I completed my FIFTH year of a Week in the Life and the anniversary gave me just a chance to look back and have a good laugh. As I flipped through my first Week in the Life in 2010, I was overwhelmed by how much our lives have changed. The years have passed so quickly that I haven't been able to take a step back and see that in almost every area our lives are different. 

1. Our family

We went from three to FIVE. That's a BIG DANG CHANGE. It's affected every other thing on this list. We thought life was crazy with a one-year-old, but boy were we wrong! Our lives are so much bigger and fuller and crazier with a six-year-old AND a four-year-old AND an eight-month-old. It's not always fun and it's certainly not easy, but it's our life and we love it. 

2. Our home

I've painted or redecorated every room in our house except the dining room and bathroom. Many of the changes were due to our ever-expanding family. Our family changed so our home changed with it. However, a huge part of it was I was in such a hurry to settle in five years ago I didn't take the time to figure out what I really liked. While there is upkeep that still needs to happen (hello, kitchen cabinets!), I feel like I have finally found my style and am happy with how our house looks and feels.

3. Our community

Five years ago, our circle was so much smaller. We spent time with my immediate family and a few of my friends from childhood, but that was about it. In 2010, we had two activities the entire week. In 2015, we had upwards of two A DAY. We joined a church. We volunteer on boards and with community organizations. We help at preschool school and elementary school and Cub Scouts. Between church activities and community events and time with our awesome group of friends, our schedules are bursting at the seams as to the relative calm of five years ago.

4. Work

Well, five years ago, I wasn't working and Nicholas was working somewhere else! It was only a couple of months after completing the 2010 Week in the Life that The Other Sarah asked me if I'd be interested in starting a blog and everything changed. I went from spending a couple of hours a week teaching to now spending hours and hours running this blog as well as my social media coaching business.

5. Downtime

As a result of our expanded family and responsibilities, how we spend our leisure time is very different. Specifically, we don't have much leisure time! I almost laughed out loud when I read that I watched THREE HOURS of television one night. I bet I haven't watched more than three hours of television in one sitting in a solid year or more. Maggie is the only one laying on the couch these days. We're too busy going here, there, and yonder. 

Dealing with others helicoptering your kids

This little guy - who struggled with the second level of the playground - struggled with being "the ONLY first grader" who couldn't do the monkey bars. Again, I stood back and let him learn on his own and I was reminded of this post that is as true now as it was then. 

If someone were to ask me the personality trait I most want to teach Griffin, it would be independence.  My ultimate goal is to raise a confident, capable adult who does not need me to do his laundry or fight his fights.

As an infant, I would sit him down inside a play yard to play on his own. As soon as he could crawl, I baby-proofed his room and would allow him to play by himself in there (much to my mother's chagrin). I never saw it as my job to entertain him or show him how every single toy worked.

Once he was old enough to go to the park, my outlook didn't really change. I don't hover over him every second. I sit back and let him explore on his own. If he steps too close to the edge, I of course intervene. However, the truth is the one time he actually fell off the playground I was a mere foot away and just didn't have time to catch him. (He was fine.) I also don't pick him up every time he wants on a certain toy. Rather, I let him figure out on his own how to get up on the dinosaur/car/motocycle.

Recently, he's been trying very, very hard to get to the second layer of our playground accessible only by a small ladder. He whines and cries for me to pick him up and put him on the second level, but I have refused.

However, I have learned that no matter how much I value independence there are always other parents hovering and ready to step in where I would not. As the weather has warmed and we've spent more time at our local parks, I've had to swallow my frustration as another parent picks up Griffin and puts him on the dinosaur or lifts him to the second level of the playground.

I'm sure some are being kind to the very pregnant woman who they assume doesn't have the energy to chase around her two-year-old. Yet, when the playground is crowded with lots of mommies and kids, I'm pretty sure there is no way to tell he belongs to me in the first place.

It's not that I don't appreciate the community spirit in which everyone looks out for everyone else's kids, I do. I just wish some parents would realize that I'm not too distracted or too tired to be next to Griffin every second. I'm making a conscious decision to let him learn on his own.

And he does.

Just last week he made it to the second level all on his own. After all, first the playground ladder, then how to sort warms and colds!

This post was originally published on Salt + Nectar. 

Are people doing the best they can?

This weekend I finished the audio version of Brené Brown's new book Rising Strong.

Y'all. This book broke my brain. 

If you are unfamiliar with Brené's work, stop what you are doing and watch this Ted Talk. 

She is AMAZING. Her teachings on shame and vulnerability, including her books The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are and Daring Greatly, instruct everything I do. Her insights have helped me re-evaluate my relationships, my work, my creative process, my parenting. 

In Rising Strong, she advocates "getting curious" about our emotions... in particular, when we are feeling self-righteous.

Not going to lie. I'm REAL good at feeling self-righteous. It's my go-to emotion when I'm feeling hurt or angry or unappreciated. During one of Brené's own bouts of self-righteousness, her therapist asks her a powerful question.

"Do you think people are doing the best they can?"

Brené answers with a resounding, "NO!" And as she goes on to explain why the "sewer rats and scofflaws" are keeping us all from living big, I found myself yelling along with the radio. 

"EXACTLY! You tell them Brené!"

It's SO HARD to assume the best of people when they are hurting us or shaming us or even ignoring us. I don't want to assume the passive agressive woman at church is really doing the best she can. I don't even want to assume the best of people I dearly love - like my own husband - when I'm in the midst of feeling resentful and angry.

However, we've all been on the other side of judgment and pain. We've all been someone else's "sewer rat and scofflaw" and we all know that - at that time - we were doing the best we could.

Now hear me, that doesn't mean we were doing THE BEST THERE WAS TO DO. 

When I yell at my four-year-old, I know it's not the best I'm capable of - objectively speaking. However, in that moment, considering my stress level, my energy level, and God knows what else I am doing the best I can with the tools available to me. I don't love him any less in that moment then when I am patient and calm. I'm just doing the best I can.

It's Brené's husband Steve who eventually states what feels like trurth to me. When she asks him if people are doing the best they can, he answers, “I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

She then quickly addresses the "murderers, assassins, and terrorists" question we all have.

Are murderer really doing the best they can?

Her answer?

Yes, but their best is DANGEROUS. 

And that's when my brain broke. I've been struggling recently with the concept of choice and personal responsibility, when it comes to my kids and when it comes to society as a whole. As we learn more and more about how the brain responds under stress, how can we really ascribe choice and then punishment to people who are suffering under incredibly difficult situations - from poverty to addiction to trauma? With regards to the little terrorists I live with on a daily basis, how can we punish a four-year-old who literally can't act differently? 

The brilliance of her answer is it separates EFFORT FROM RESULT.

Yes, you are doing the best you can and we acknowledge your humanity and suffering. However, the result of your actions are important as well. Whether you are hitting your brother or committing murder, why you did what you did is separate from why we can't allow you to do that again.

So, what do y'all think? Are people doing the best they can?

P.S. 5 Powerful People Who Keep Me Motivated

POLL TIME: Are people doing the best they can?

Posted by Sarah Stewart Holland on Wednesday, October 14, 2015

How to repurpose kids art as birthday cards

I'm trying my hand at Periscope! Yesterday, I shared one of my new favorite parenthacks. It's shockingly simple but is always paying big dividends!